Goodbye For Now

It's been one full year, and I'm proud to say that I made it, with well over 200 updates to this blog.
It's been a lot of fun for me to write, and I've really enjoyed sharing it with the people that have read along and posted comments.
I've decided to take a 3 month break from posting- (think of it as a summer break), so I can recharge some of the creativity required to write 5 nights a week and to focus on a few other things in my life that deserve my full attention.  I have every intention right now to come back in September and start writing again, but you never know where life may take you.  I will say that any knowledge I have that there are people out there who have read this blog and enjoyed it will make coming back that much easier and give me that much more motivation, so don't be shy if you've ever enjoyed anything on this blog.
I wrote all of these posts first and foremost for myself, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a disappointment that the readers I had were so few, even amongst friends and family.  For that reason, I'd really like to thank my friend Dave; knowing that there was at least one person that read consistently may have made the difference between me being able to make it the whole year or not, and believe me, it was very important to me that I make it an entire year, for many reasons.
I plan on making a section where I can add a few of my favorite posts for people to read during my hiatus, but I'd love to have feedback from anyone and everyone about anything I've written.  Please go ahead and let me know if there are any favorites you have.
I also plan on coming on to see if I can tweak some of the formatting or layout of the page so feel free to check in every now and again to see if anything is new.

Thank you so much for reading!

CONTACT

highlyratedblogofchoice@gmail.com

BONK!

The length of our storytelling/entertainment has shrunk drastically over the past couple decades.
We started off with the Bible, then went to Shakespeare, then War and Peace, then Gone With the Wind, to Seinfeld, to the Internet and its 3 minutes or less videos/posts.  I'm going to enjoy the future when our entertainment has devolved into making funny noises.

Happiest of Memorial Days to You All

What sort of a vacation is one without family?  I bet even the earliest of life forms took family with them or went to visit family on their vacations.  From whatever single celled organisms need to get away from. 

You Have Some 'Splain'in to do!

HEYOOO!!!

Let me tell you about Gandolin.  His hair flowed like a waterfall over a sharp cliff.  As sharp as a dentists scrapey thing that he uses to "clean your plaque" when really you know he's just stabbing you in the gums as he thinks "Ha!  Shows you.  I'm a DOCTOR!"
Gandolin worked at Del Taco.  Which loosely translates to "Of the taco."  And tightly translates to "Taco Taco."  So his hair flowed.  All the way down to some other verbose description.

Then, everyone exploded.  Off of the roof.  In the street.  On a tree.  With their head off.

ELLEN DEGENERES!!!!!


...which loosely translates to "The Len Of Generations".

It's Also not Even "One Corn" like You'd Think

I have to say, I'm very disappointed.  Much like the creativity I wrote about earlier when naming masterpieces, I can't believe that after all the years us humans have been around we haven't done any better in the mythical creatures department.
They're really unoriginal.  A unicorn is just a horse with a horn on it.  And that's our best one!  The unicorn is the go to mythical creature.  But they're all just other animals combined.  Dragon?  Lizard + bat.  Griffin?  Lion + eagle.  These people had no TV, no internet, no radio, tons less literature around, and that's the best they could do?
And it gets even lazier!  "Uh....let's just make a person and something else..."  Medusa.  Snake Man.  Minotaur.  Bull Man.  Werewolf?  Wolf Man.  Spider-Man?  Jeez we're still doing it. 
If I was doing a unicorn it would have way more than one horn, probably some wheels, a microwave, some sort of vacuum attachment, some dust from the Rings of Saturn, Tungsten, and fire.  Or maybe even a few things that don't even exist yet.  Anyone can just think of random objects and put them on a horse.  If we have a goal for these next 2,000 years or so, it should be outdoing our forefathers in the mythical creature department.  Who's with me?

TOP TEN STAR WARS SEQUEL TITLES GEORGE LUCAS IS CONSIDERING

10.  Episode X: Assault of The Spooky Looming Dark Specters
9. Episode XVI: How do you Say "Hello" in Jedi?  "Yo!"duh.
8. Episode XXIV: Han Solo Flies the Coop
7. Episode XXVII: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull..yeah!  It'll work way better in these movies.
6. Episode XXXI: Someone Finally Fixes C-3PO so he Stops Being Such a Ninny
5. Episode XXXVIII: There's Something That's Supposed to be Cute but is Annoying in This one too!
4. Episode XLI: The Salacious Crumb Story You've all been Waiting for!
3. Episode LV: An R2-D2 Translator is Made: Turns Out he Swears a Lot.
2. Episode LX: Chewbacca Falls in the Shower and Breaks His Hip
1. Episode MXVI: A Newer Hope!

Chillin' out Max and Relaxin' all Cool

So that cab with a license place that said Fresh and had dice in the mirror drove all the way across the U.S.?  How much was the fare?  They must have stopped for the night at a motel, did they get separate rooms?  I wonder if he sat in the back the whole way.  That must have gotten awkward if he did.  Why would the cabbie agree to that?  He wouldn't get money for the way back, and it's not like he knew him, he just stopped because he whistled.

Rapture + Doomsday = DoomRapture?

So this past Saturday was supposed to be the Rapture, according to a large group of people.  While I didn't make it to the bank in time to get a roll of quarters on Saturday, it actually was not the end of the world, as I had feared.  We made it out alive, yay!  There were a good number of signs and flyers around town for the past couple weeks.

The past couple weeks.


I don't know about you guys, but while I appreciate the warning that life on Earth as we know it is coming to an end, I'd prefer to know about it a little more than a couple of weeks in advance.  These people must have been serious enough about it to pay for a billboard, so why couldn't they go bigger than this?  Make a good "end of the world" movie for once, maybe even a decent mini-series on the Sci-Fi channel.  Or at least have the billboard up a few months beforehand.  It's not like they needed to save their money for anything.  Again, I want to be clear, I appreciate the thought, but I have to say- the warning really was half-assed.  The next time you know that doomsday is upon us, let's bring our A game!  Also, for those of you that know me in real life, if it ever does happen, as the world is ending, please remind me to say "Come on guys, it's not that bad, it's not like it's the end of the world or anything!".  The more fire that's raining down upon us the funnier it'll get, trust me.

Deep Dish

Two slices of PIZZA lie on a giant metal plate, awaiting to be shoveled up with the pie cutter.....which has been dipped in MAGIC TOMATO SAUCE.

ARCHIBALD:Remember when we were kids?  The best incentive our teachers could give us was the promise of a pizza party.
BIXLEY:What's so great about a pizza party?
ARCHIBALD:Right.  But we all bought into it.  If we read enough books or sold enough wrapping paper or whatever else we were scammed into, and we got that pizza party, we'd all go nuts!
BIXLEY:Yeah.  Simpler times.  Hey Archie-
ARCHIBALD: I asked you to call me Archibald.  That's my name, it's what I prefer.
BIXLEY: Jeez, you don't have to be so curt.
ARCHIBALD: Did that come across as curt?  I'm sorry, it's just there's no nice way of saying that.  But what am I supposed to do?  Be called by a name I don't like for the rest of the time we know each other?
BIXLEY:Arch is way easier to say.
ARCHIBALD:I know, it's two whole syllables less.  You have to make your mouth work to get it out.
BIXLEY:Hey Archibald, do you think we'll enjoy being eaten?
ARCHIBALD:That's a great question.  I mean, you'd think that was our entire purpose in life, but yet, the whole "being devoured" thing is a pretty gruesome prospect.
BIXLEY: Right.  That's why I asked.
ARCHIBALD:I'm bored.  This is what purgatory must be like.  Just sitting here all day long, having no purpose, no direction, not knowing what your life is for.
BIXLEY: Then what do you think hell is like?
ARCHIBALD: The same, just with more fire.
Suddenly, a HAND reaches in and grabs ARCHIBALD, then shoves him into a mouth, where ARCHIBALD is devoured.
BIXLEY: Off to the big pizza party in the sky.

And Apparently They're Doing it to get "The Worm", Whatever That is.

In this world, there are "morning people" and there are "night owls".  I am the latter.  I don't even get to be a person.  I'm an owl.*  This would be bad enough, but to top it off, the world is not made for people who stay up late, and don't enjoy the morning.  Things open at 8, and close well before I go to bed.  Upon making this realization, I think I finally understood what it was like to be left handed.
Nobody ever goes to bed too early to eat dinner, and even then, dinner is a meal you can easily have for lunch.  I miss breakfast all the time, my bacon quota is dangerously low for the quarter.



*And aren't all owls "night owls"?  Shouldn't it just be "owl"?

Lone Wolf

"I'm a lone wolf.  I traverse the wilderness alone, coloring both inside AND outside the lines, sometimes I sharpen my crayon with the sharpener that's on the back of the box that doesn't work very well, sometimes I just throw the crayon away and use a whole different color.
People see me and they think "stay away".  They know I'm a lobo who is a honcho that likes burritos.  And when I order my burritos, I order them full of life.  Because don't get me wrong, there's a dark side, but inside that dark side is a heart filled with charity.  And that's an extra heart that's on the dark side.  There's still one on the regular side.  That one's just a regular heart though, just pumps blood and stuff.  It's a good heart though.  Ran a bunch of marathons with it.  Solo marathons.  No relays.  Lone wolf, remember?  I'm like a soaring eagle....no wait, that's too much.  Still a wolf.  But imagine a wolf that howls AND makes that eagle noise. 
I'm also the big cheese.  But again, still a wolf, just using the expression that means large and in charge.  Regular size wolf though."
-And that's what I told the lady who asked me why I was waiting in line in the supermarket in a checkout lane with no cashier at the register all by myself for ten minutes.

The Great Con

I often wonder if at the highest floor of every giant building that is the headquarters of a major corporation there's not some greedy 60 year old man smoking a cigar, laughing at the fact that every 4 years our computers, cell phones, cars, alarm clocks, toasters, etc. break.  He's got a blue pinstriped suit on, and he thinks it's sooo hilarious that he's pulling a fast one on us.  Well I'm on to you, mister.  Please know, if something unexpected should ever happen to me, "they" got me.  But then when your vacuum works for 6 years, you'll also know who to thank.  It's funny that vacuum has two "U"s in it.

Blogger Down!

I had a great post idea ready to go last night, I was going to talk about stickers and how great they are, how much we all liked them when we were kids, their appeal, which I maybe would have turned into some pun about "a peel", then I might have mentioned bright colors and how I still secretly like stickers, and possibly even thrown in a mild swear word like "hell" or "damn".
It would have been pretty decent, and I apologize to you, my readers.
The both you.

Combine the Words "Die" and "Eat"

Diet.

I'll leave you to think about what they're trying to tell us.

Apologies to the Other Neons

I feel truly sorry for Neon Green.

Toast of the town in the 80s, on backpacks and shoelaces everywhere, now look at it.
People look at it and wince.  It's the only color known to physically damage retinas. 

I really hope it didn't let success go to its head, because I bet even if NG didn't, the other colors are talking behind its back.  If Neon Green WAS a jerk- man.  You know how catty colors can be.  I'm not envious one tiny bit.  Hopefully Neon Green is licking its wounds (figuratively) and awaiting a comeback.  I'm sure it'll be back.  How many colors are named after a gas on the periodic table?

TOP TEN WORST MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS FROM 2011

10. Mickey D's gift cards
9. A mechanical bull
8. Tickets to see the unmade "Hulk 3", released sometime yet to be determined.
7. "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" Deluxe Anniversary Edition
6. A half eaten Pop Tart
5. Front row seats to Monday's monster truck rally
4. Nose bleed seats to Monday's monster truck rally
3. A gift basket ...of DOOM!
2. A litter of wolverines
1. "#1 Dad" T-shirt/mug combo!

Thoughts of Regular Depth

Some personal notes from my life:

I had a waiter who decided it would be a good idea to correct me on my fitness knowledge.  When I remarked that being very fit could be a bummer because you would be less likely to enjoy fatty and delicious foods like donuts, he let me know that it's fine, as long as you have muscles.  Ah.  Thanks fitness expert (not fit).  He also interrupted a conversation about black representing bad in movies and white representing good to tell us that the Star Wars movies were written years before they were made and proceeded to argue about which were written first.  Not a fine example for his kind.

I had a dream that I was really great at basketball which somehow carried over to me shooting around- when I tried the moves my brain must have thought I was still capable of- well, let's just say it wasn't pretty.

I still am bothered by the term "e-mail", because it's really more of an "e-note", and text messages...well, all written messages are text aren't they?  We're not confusing them with smoke signals.

Apparently up in the bay area you are required to have a photo of you hiking, rock climbing, and snowboarding in any sort of online photo profile you have.  I will soon be asked to leave the area by the proper authorities.

Maybe I Should Stop Lighting that Log in the Fireplace

But it changes colors!!!

It's hot.
It's probably 80 degrees out and it's hot.


Sometimes living on my own is a bad thing.  It took me sitting here sweating in my underpants trying to write something before I figured out I should open the door to my room and open some windows in my place.  My room was probably 90 and all stagnant air.

A roommate may eat your peanut butter and play stupid rap songs right next to your wall, but at least they save you from being an idiot sometimes.

Fruit of the Loon

New Study: Multitasking Kills Brain Cells

I've read this recently.  Or at least I think I did.  I was listening to some music at the same time and then the phone rang.  Either way, there's no more stuff that things and me do good.

Mr. Peanut: Debonair Snack, or Evil Peanut Genius?

He doesn't look that nice.

And where did all these peanut allergies come from?

That cane makes me think he's up to no good, he looks pretty young and his legs seem to be in good condition.  I'm also suspicious of the monocle.  What's the function of a monocle anyway?  Is it just to officially make you the Count of something?  They doesn't seem like they make a lot of sense.

Anyway, next time I see Mr. Peanut, he better be careful.

If I was Rebuilding a Human Being

I'd make gastric juices taste good, or at least taste like nothing, so if you barfed the food would still be delicious or at least taste like it did the first time.  It's disgusting now.  Barf sucks.

Smart Talk with Art Krenshaw: April 27th

Hello all, it's been a busy semester for Art Krenshaw, but we've been able to pry him away while his students are on Spring Break, so he can join us for another edition of Smart Talk- with Art Krenshaw!

Art Krenshaw is an expert in human behavior. He's studied sociology and anthropology at Northern Kansas University and currently teaches on the side.

SMART TALK

with

ART KRENSHAW

Dear Professor Krenshaw

My husband and I have been married happily for 2 years now, we had dated for 2 and a half years before that and have lived together for 3 years.  I love him to death, but some of his hygiene habits are getting to me!  For example, he only brushes his teeth once a day, and while it doesn't really effect his breath or dental health, that's not normal, right?  And while I appreciate the fact that he works out and stays healthy, sometimes he....well, I guess there's no other way for me to say it...stinks!  Art, is there anything I can do?  I know I'm constantly told people don't change, and it's a bad idea thinking I'm going to change the person I'm married to, but I'd be so much happier if I had a great smelling guy!
Signed,
Mrs. Clean




Mrs. Clean,
A quick note I'd like to point out- if you were Mrs. Clean, that would mean you were married to Mr. Clean, and it certainly doesn't sound like that's who your husband is!
I do understand your complaint though, and it's not an uncommon one.  You know, if you were to travel back to the 1700s in Europe everyone would smell awful!  Not because the French are generally stereotyped as not as concerned with hygiene as the rest of us, but because they didn't have all the fancy soaps, shampoos, deodorants, and shower technology that we have today.  Not to mention the colognes and perfumes.  Which leads me to believe that we all should stop showering, and buying deodorant, and perfume, etc.  If we all smell terrible, then no one will smell bad!  It's all relative, you know.  And think of all the money we'll save on needless products!  "Oh, but Art," you might say "what about all the poor soap companies?  We're in a barely recovering economy and you want to put those soap makers out of business?"  Maybe.  But instead of making soap, they could just make ice cream, which everyone likes, and will then invariably sell more!  Which will probably make everyone gain weight, which will then only increase sales in medical bills, fitness equipment and gym memberships, AND new clothes for everyone to wear!  That's right, I've single handedly fixed our economy.  You're welcome America.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for your insight Art!  Until next time, this has been another edition of Smart Talk- With Art Krenshaw!

This is Not a Blog

In the small town of Town City, a young WRITER works furiously at a SHORT STORY.  Suddenly, through the power of PRAYER the SHORT STORY comes to life.  The PRAYER was not that a short story would come to life, it was from a little girl, praying that her new bicycle she was getting for her birthday was pink.  Unfortunately the PRAYER ricocheted off of some tungsten, and as prayers don't react well to tungsten, it hit this WRITER'S SHORT STORY instead and made it come to life.

SHORT STORY: Hello.
WRITER: Wow, you can talk!
SHORT STORY: I can talk.  I'm sentient.
WRITER: ...Your name is sentient?  Because I was thinking of calling you "Fallen Grace"
SHORT STORY: No, my name is Short Story...."Fallen Grace"?  What are you, a 20 year old starting a band?
WRITER: Hey!  I liked it because of the double meaning, you know- the man is literally falling in love, and at the same time-
SHORT STORY: -wait a minute, don't you want to know how I can talk?  What happened here?
WRITER: Well....yeah, but I just assumed it was magic, and besides....me asking you a bunch of questions isn't very interesting, what if I just wanted to get to the point of our story?
SHORT STORY: Don't you think stories are more interesting when they're grounded in reality?
WRITER: You're a talking short story.
SHORT STORY: I know, but you're a human.  And a normal human wouldn't react the way you are.
WRITER: Fine.  Wow.  A talking story.  How did this happen?
SHORT STORY: I dunno.  Magic?
WRITER: Yeah.  That's what I thought.
SHORT STORY: I love ruining other people's pictures.
WRITER: Oh, I know what you mean, Short Story.  Especially someone you don't know.  It's just as satisfying as taking your own really great picture.
SHORT STORY: I wonder why that is?
WRITER: Probably because you get to live on in someone else's life whenever they look at that picture.  It's a form of immortality.
SHORT STORY: Really?
WRITER: Yeah, I'm serious.
SHORT STORY: Is that why you're writing too?
WRITER: I think that's part of it.  When I die, a part of me lives on.  It's the same with any art- painting, movies, music.  I created that, and it will exist after I do not.
SHORT STORY: Man.
WRITER: Pretty cool huh?
SHORT STORY: I think it's pretty narcissistic.  What about creating something because you feel the need to express yourself, or share something with the rest of the world?
WRITER: Well of course that's part of it too- jeez, you're being pretty harsh.  And besides, I don't think you can really create art if you're just doing it for the sake of existing.  ...well not anything good anyway.
SHORT STORY: What's so great about existing when you're gone?  You won't even be around to enjoy it.
WRITER: Yeah, but it's comforting now.  It gives me a sense of accomplishment.
SHORT STORY: How do you know you really do exist?
WRITER: Of course I exist.
SHORT STORY: Well, you're writing me, right?
WRITER: Yeah.  Everything you're saying is what I'm thinking.  I'm arguing with myself, I get it.
SHORT STORY: No.  That's not what I was getting at.  If all my thoughts are just what you're writing them out to be- how do you know that the same isn't true with you?  That you're not just a character in a story someone else is writing?
WRITER: ....I ....don't, I guess.
SHORT STORY: Good.  I'm glad we learned something here.
WRITER: What was that?
SHORT STORY: You don't know how to end stories very well.
WRITER: You're kind of a jerk.
SHORT STORY: You're a jerk!
WRITER: You suck!
SHORT STORY: I know I do, you wrote me!
WRITER: FFFFFUUUUUUUUUU

TAKE me out to the BALLLLL

A friend of mine gave me some tickets to a baseball game, and when I was thinking about who to invite, I quickly settled on inviting my good friend I hadn't seen in a while, he accepted- and our plans were set.  However, I thought it would be a fun social experiment to see what kind of responses I would get if I put an ad up on craigslist.
Here's what I posted:

I have a couple of tickets to go to the Giants game tomorrow (Sunday, starts at 1pm- good seats too)- but it being a holiday and all, most of my friends can't go, so I figured I'd try to see if I could meet someone fun on here to go with.
I live south of the city, but wouldn't mind meeting up with someone in San Francisco
A little bit about me so you can get an idea if we'd have a good time:

I'm from Southern California, I moved up for a job at one of the bigger companies up here.
I love movies, TV, and Sports- but I can talk about all kinds of other things too (books, art, FOOD, traveling)
I consider myself a good conversationalist, and someone who likes to ask questions and listen, and hope that you would be as well (for a 3 hour + game)

Please only reply if you would be serious about going- and a little bit about yourself too, I'd like to know who I'm going with

Thanks!

Here are the only responses I received:



From "Kenna":

Loved your ad. I almost always wear skirts or dresses. I'm a girly-girl. 5'2" hwp. Blond & blue. I graduated UCLA in 2007 and have been employed at the same monotonous job ever since. It does pay the bills, though. You know who I love? Freddie Mercury. Classic, awesome voice. That's it for now, I do hope to hear from you soon.

No slacks for Kenna!  I did not know that she loved Freddie Mercury.


From "Alissa" (whose email address was owned by a "Janell"):

just want a genuine response to assert your a genuine lad

This one struck me as the most "genuine" of the group, but I found the word choice a bit weird.


Next up we have an email from "Dixie":

I believe that  you could be a a spamming fraudster, my good friend

Not exactly hilarious, but again, I found the choice of wording and extra space between "that" and "you" to be amusing. 

Here is where it gets better, an email from "Francisco":

Hi, I was looking thru people on here and thought I would send a message. I'm 23, very shy, but a good conversationalist once I get to know you. I'm looking for a friend first and see where it goes from there.

Interesting.

Next email, from "Popovic":

DADDY SEEKING LITTLE GIRL

I feel for Popovic's loss, not only must he feel saddened by losing his little girl, but the guilt from being an irresponsible parent must have driven him mad enough to respond to a craigslist ad regarding baseball tickets.

From "Tarallo":

Mattress tester wanted

I bet it's hard these days to find a quality mattress tester, most of them fall asleep on the job!


Next up is the presumably lovely "Meszaros":

50 year old widower would love to have a gardening friend

Wouldn't we all?


The last email I got was from "Jennifer":

I'm hawiian and puerto rican and I'm looking for black male that has good convo, can make me laugh, likes 2 have fun, and is friendly like me
 I'll send some back

FINALLY someone who actually read what I had posted and responded with what I was looking for!
As I'm sure you've guessed, I told my friend to buzz off and Jennifer and I had a lovely time at the ballgame.

No Songs, No Parties, No Dressing up, no Fireworks- Easter has Some Work to do

I think I've figured out the secret to what makes certain holidays more popular than others.  So listen up, Flag Day, Arbor Day, President's Day, and Labor Day.  You want to make the big leap into the pantheon of holidays, 4th of July and New Year's Day? Well, here's the trick:

Candy

That's right.  What do Valentines, Halloween, Christmas, and Easter all have in common?  Bingo.  And don't worry guys, the candy doesn't need to have anything to do with your holiday, just pick some random stuff and turn it into candy.  Maybe even the churro.  I'd love a Flag Day churro.  Actually, scratch that, it has to be something that's good cold and can sit around for weeks without being eaten.  Just shape some skittles like a dinosaur and adopt the dinosaur as your official holiday animal.  Or you could get really lazy like jelly beans, and just name them after whatever blob shape your candy most easily forms to.

A few more Easter thoughts:
Eat the hollow chocolate bunnies from the ear down, that way the renegade chocolate falls into the body of the bunny, where you can consume it later.

I know this isn't new ground I'm covering here, but what a bunch of random stuff Easter has:  why do we color eggs?  And not just regular eggs, hard boiled eggs.  And a giant bunny comes and hides them?  No wonder so many kids turn out weird.

Speaking of the Easter bunny, what's his deal?  Is it even a he?  I know very little about the Easter bunny- what's his motivation for all this egg hiding?  Is he ok with our devouring chocolate and marshmallow versions of himself?  Is the Easter bunny even a benevolent being?  For all we know, the egg hiding could be done for selfish reasons.  What is the Easter bunny doing the rest of the year?  Is there a Mister or Mrs. Easter bunny?  Does he have help?  At least we know Santa's M.O. and plenty of details.  This Easter bunny is more and more of a loose cannon, the more I think about it. 

Peeps- the weirdest textured candy known to man, and therefore, a very low ranking one in this man's opinion.  Plus, they always look kind of sad.

Blog Post

It's very amusing to me that there are people who can be so incredibly creative that they produce something that we would call a "masterpiece" and not think of a better name to call it than "symphony number 7".  Or "starry night".  It's almost as if they've exhausted every bit of creativity in whatever art they've produced.

Also, Operas are really funny.  Fat people yelling.  But it sounds good.  But it doesn't.  And it can sometimes shatter glass.
And Bugs Bunny.

DUMB GUY interviews A GHOST

DUMB GUY: I'm here with a ghost.
GHOST: Hello
DUMB GUY: It must be scary, being a ghost.
GHOST: Actually, I'm typically the one doing the scaring.
DUMB GUY: Yeah, but you're all alone, always having to walk around with a bed sheet over your head-
GHOST: No, you're thinking of the cartoons.  I'm more of specter.  I'm not even wearing a bedsheet right now.
DUMB GUY: Right, I was wondering how you got through security.
GHOST: What security?
DUMB GUY: My dog, Fido.
GHOST: That's a box of Cap'n Crunch.
DUMB GUY: Oh Yeah!  I was wondering how that box got through security!
GHOST: .... So, don't you want to hear about what I've been up to?  It's pretty terrifying.
DUMB GUY: Spooky?
GHOST: I guess.
DUMB GUY: The word "spooky" isn't very spooky.  It kind of sounds like pooky.
GHOST: You know some people mistake me for a demon, right?
DUMB GUY: Yup, but make sure you don't get stuck with the linens!!
GHOST: I'M NOT A BEDHSEET!
DUMB GUY: Jeez, well neither am I, but you don't hear me crying about it.  What are you, the ghost of a baby?
GHOST: No, I was a Duke that murdered his entire family in order to maintain control of his land.
DUMB GUY: Yup.  The best was when you were counting all of those bats that were around you- and then when you were done counting, that lightning went off!!
GHOST: That's THE COUNT.  I was a DUKE.
DUMB GUY: Spooky Dukey.
GHOST: Man I wish I was dead.

An Online Dating Profile

Where do I start with these things?  I never know.  Well, first of all- I can't believe I've joined loveatfirstdate.com for one- but here I am!  Ha ha.
I am a "chronologically-challenged" (but that doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun!- just like wine, I get better with age, lol) Dictator Despot for a country somewhere south of the United States- extra brownie points if you can figure out which one!
My friends call me "El General Dictator"- but it's just a nickname- I'm not really a general.  I killed our previous general and left our army headless, much as I have left the bodies of my enemies!  ALL HAIL EL NUEVO GENERAL! 
My favorite movies are Bananas, by Woody Allen (finally a movie of his where someone isn't having an affair or involved in some lame plot to cover up a murder; am i right?), The Last King of Scotland, though I haven't seen the ending, and Air Bud.  I don't have a favorite, but "Air Bud: Golden Receiver" was the one I've watched most recently.
I like to go out and exercise, you'll never find me sleeping in on weekends, I love to go out and seize the day!  Much as I have seized control over this puny Republic for the sake of my people!  But I'm ok with staying in and curling up on a couch with a glass of wine some nights too.  Work hard, play hard.
I just got out of a really bad relationship filled with a lot of drama, so I'm looking to meet someone who doesn't play any games, as I won't be playing them either.  My 2nd in command however.... no I'm just kidding, ha ha.
I'm a really open person, so I'm open to even dating peasants, although I'm not sure where you would find the internet connection to read this.
Please message me if you like what you see!  I put up some pictures that weren't my best, but they were the most recent ones I could find, and I believe in being honest.

Hope to hear from you soon so we can start our own adventure together!!

Silent Killers

Yes, your honor.  I'll admit to it.  I went crazy.  I killed them.  I killed them all.  But I don't think you can blame me.  Why did I do it?  You would do it too, if you were one of us.  Being made fun of your whole life.  Everyone acting like you're not even there.  Not giving you any of the credit you really deserve.  Well now, they're going to know.  That's right, KNOW.  Not "Ka-No".  It's not "Ka-No".  And do you know why?  Because that K is a SILENT LETTER.  Well you know what??  I'M NOT GOING TO BE SILENT ANYMORE.  That's right!  I got sick of the K in Kangaroo getting all the credit.  So I offed him.  And I wasn't alone.  You think the P from pneumonia didn't have a motive to help me out?  "What?  You spell pneumonia with a P?  That's so stupid.  "Pa-new-moan-ya"?"  Yeah.  He's heard that every. day. of his LIFE.  So he gave me the intel.  You see him and the P from Puppies used to be real tight, before P from Puppies changed.  Started acting like he was better than us.  So P from Pneumonia got us the blueprint to his Panic Room.  We knew that's where he'd go after we got the G from Gnome to break into his house and set his pantry on fire.
So go ahead, throw me in the slammer.  I've got H from Herb and P from Pterodactyl working around the clock on plans to bust me out- and nobody is more motivated than those two guys.  When there's no point to your life- to your job- to the thing that defines who you are, you have nothing to lose.
So I'll be seeing you judge- all of you, I'll be seeing real soon.

Nuts to That!

Is what you say to something you don't want to do.  Why the negative connotation with nuts?  They're great!  What other snack can be mixed with fruit for trail going, put in salads to make healthy food slightly less unbearable, garnish up a dessert, or just be an overall great source of healthy fat and protein?  No other snack, that's for doggone sure.  So what happened along the way that made nuts so disliked?  Why, when someone is doing something crazy, do we say they're nuts?
From now on, if I say something or someone is nuts, that's a great thing.

GIVE NUTS A CHANCE

Dale Grundane

  Hi there, pleased ta meetcha.  Name's Dale, Dale Grundane- "The Great Dane" they call me.  Ha ha.  How're ya doing today?  Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Listen, I'll cut right to the chase here, I'm here to sell you some toast.  That's right, toast.  The crunchy warm bread that comes out of a toaster.  "Now Dale...." you must be wonderin', "why wouldn't I just make my own toast?"  Right!  Why wouldn't you?  Because toast is made down here, in the heart, not up here, in the brain- and let's face it- some folk just ain't cut out for toast makin'.  You got yer slightly overcooked, your very overcooked, and your not cooked enough toasts- and the types of bread you see people usin' these days!
Why'd I get into the toast business you ask?  For the women.  You may be thinking there's no women in the toast business- but you would be wrong.  No, you'd actually be right, heck, ask my ex-wife Trudy.  You can't ask her, of course.  She left me.  She left me because I wear suspenders under my shirt.  Trudy hated suspenders, bless her heart.  And her long, flowing hair.  I miss that hair, really I do.
Say!  I wrote a song about toast- here goes:

It's not a long way down
without a long way down
It's not a piece of my heart you take
It's a piece of toast I make
Toast toast toast toast toast.

I've got a grandson.  He doesn't like suspenders either.

Light Travels Faster Than Sound

"That's why some people appear bright until they speak."


-that and because they're wearing glasses.

Robo-Friends Forever

If I had a robot, I'd name him Barry.  Barry would be the best robot in the world.  We'd play baseball together, he'd bring me cookies at work that he baked inside a compartment in his arm, and then when we were bored, he'd rob a pizza store and blame it on the oven that works there.  Trust me, pizza ovens have it coming to them.  Barry would be so smart, he would know when to cheer me up, when to sing a song, and when to help me legally cheat on my taxes.  He'd be so smart, he'd probably hate the name Barry.  In fact, Barry would probably be smart enough to kill me, somehow construct a lifelike facsimile of my skin, hair and bone structure and assume my identity.  I bet Barry would even have enough programmed intelligence to make himself forget that he was a robot and HOLY CRAP IM BARRY.

Farewell my Love

  I think about how I miss her- how I've been missing her every day since she's been gone, and I wonder why exactly.  Part of me wonders how much I loved her, and how much I loved her consistency.  I did love the fact that she was always going to be there.  Now she's not.  Now, when I think of her, I think of emptiness.  Sometimes I wish I could go back- that I could get her back, but I know that's impossible, or at least I know that it would be wrong.  I want to call her, but I can't.  I miss her.  I miss her when I get up in the morning, I miss her at breakfast, I miss her all throughout the rest of the day.  She made me laugh, she made me smile- and the worst part is, I thought she really cared.  She didn't.  If she did, she wouldn't have run out.  Goodbye, my sweet.  My sweet, rich, sticky, delicious maple syrup.  Goodbye Mrs. Butterworth's.

Interview with Benjamin Franklin

ME: Hello Ben!  Or is it Benjamin?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Good day to you, whichever you prefer.  Let's turn this around.  How about I interview you?
ME: ....ok- I don't know if that's what my reader came here to read, but sure.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: What do you use for "butt"?
ME: What?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: The word "butt"- what do you say instead?
ME: I'm not sure, I guess it depends on the situation?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Come now, there must be something you think is funny.
ME: Well, I guess I'm partial to "patootie" or "rear"
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Not a fan of fannie?
ME: Not so much....are you?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: My dear boy, but of course!  The word "fannie" is hilarious!
ME: Hmm.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: What is it?
ME: Well, it's just....I didn't expect to be having this conversation with Ben Franklin.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: You expected me to be someone who'd go around pandering for cheap laughs by using the word "ass"?
ME: No, it's just that-
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: -you can kiss my hind quarters!
ME: Ben Franklin!  We don't approve of that kind of talk here on Wonderblog!  The Highly Rated Blog of Choice
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: What!  Come on- "hind quarters"?  What does that even mean?
ME: Hmm.  You do have a point.  What about "keester"?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Yes!  Now you're catching on!  "rump"!
ME:"gluteus maximus!"
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: "bum"!  As if being a bum wasn't bad enough already!
ME:"Buttocks" is pretty funny
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Yes, even the word "bottom" has its charms.
ME: Ben Franklin, this has been my favorite interview yet.  Well done!
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Hey thanks!  Want some Doritos?

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE NOT A GRANDMA

10. The glass bowl on your coffee table isn't full of candy.
9.  You don't own a glass bowl.
8. You don't constantly have the urge to give people under the age of 30 more food.
7. You have long hair.
6. You haven't forwarded an e-mail since you started reading this list.
5. You're able to reference "Snoop Dog" without calling him "Snoopy".
4. You have less than five unopened DVDs in your house.
3. You're not good at making chili
2. When talking about a celebrity you like you say something other than "Oh that ___ is just wonderful!"
1. You're a horse!

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE NOT A BUG

10. You move mostly in straight lines.
9. No one tries to squish you.
8. Garbage and other bugs are things you would throw away and not eat.
7. Someone walks up to you and is like "Hey man."
6. You are a bug, but you're a VW- and that's not the kind we're talking about here.
5. You're not the subject of any weird nursery rhymes.
4. Your sister has kids, and when they send you birthday cards, they spell "Ant" with a U.
3. Magnifying glasses just magnify things for you, not set you on fire.
2. The last time you got flicked from a height thousands of times your size, you weren't ok when you hit the ground.
1. You're a horse!

Chicken Tenders? Weird

I'm disappointed most places renamed "chicken fingers" "chicken strips".  The thought of chickens' fingers always intrigued me as a child.

America's Newest Dying Industry

How terrible would it be to be a rubber stamp maker?  Apparently the perfect vehicle for your product, the "Unrated!" or "Uncut!" or "Uncensored!" DVD has come along.  But now, this being the electronic age and all, everything is being e-stamped!

What torture!  Being taunted every time you walk by the movies section at the store, you'd have to see all the lost opportunities!  Because we all know that when something has "attitude" it's said via rubber stamp.  And with an exclamation point.  The people who design the graphics for the DVD cover couldn't possibly advertise that there's an extra weiner or 3 non bleeped F words in this version of the movie in regular font.  Also, never mind that the "extra" footage also adds nothing to the movie, or they would have put it in in the first place- no one can resist the selling power of the rubber stamp.  No one.

Are we supposed to be imagining some super awesome biker dude doing the most INAPPROPRIATE and EXTREMEly WRONG things while he's stamping these DVDs?

Or are we supposed be imagining some stuffy unattractive librarian looking woman from the MPAA stamping these movies in disgust, despite her best protests?

Quartz

Quartz is the second most abundant mineral in the Earth's continental crust, after feldspar. It is made up of a continuous framework of SiO₄ silicon–oxygen tetrahedra, with each oxygen being shared between two tetrahedra, giving an overall formula SiO₂.
There are many different varieties of quartz, several of which are semi-precious gemstones. Especially in Europe and the Middle East, varieties of quartz have been since antiquity the most commonly used minerals in the making of jewelry and hardstone carvings.
The word "quartz" is derived from the German word "quarz" and its Middle High German ancestor "twarc", which probably originated in Slavic (cf. Czech tvrdy ("hard"), Polish twardy ("hard")).

april fools!

Sharks = Nerds?

 

 

I think that's evidence enough.

Lauren Makes a Phone Call

LAUREN: Hi hun.  How's your day doing?
LAUREN: Good!  I saw the Lakers made a big trade, you must be happy.
LAUREN: Oh the TV was on ESPN still when I turned it on.
LAUREN: So listen, we have to go to my parents' this weekend.
LAUREN: I know it's not your favorite place but they just redid the kitchen and they want everyone to come over and see it.
LAUREN: Well, yes they know about the attack.
LAUREN: No, I don't think there's a large chinchilla population in Glendora.
LAUREN: YES STEVEN I know a bite from a full grown chinchilla is enough to take off a man's fing-
LAUREN: No, I did not know it was strong enough to bite that off as well.  Though honestly, Steven I can't imagine a situation where a horde of chinchillas would be able to overpower you enough to where that could be even a remotely plausible scenario.
LAUREN: No.
LAUREN: No.
LAUREN: Wow they really did that?
LAUREN: Down in Columbia last night?
LAUREN: And it says here in the news the brood was spotted traversing up the Baja coast this afternoon...That is kind of scary.
LAUREN: OK, well maybe I'll call up Mom and explain the situation to her.  I know Mark will never listen to reason.  I wish she would have never married him.  Him and his stupid NASCAR.
LAUREN: No, you're right it's not his fault.  He's from Indiana.  Although I don't know why you stick up for him.
LAUREN: Alright, let me hang up the phone now.
LAUREN: Yes.
LAUREN: I love you too.


Lauren never made that call to her parents, as shortly after she hung up the phone she was attacked and killed by a mob of chinchillas.  We never found out what made them attack that day, and I don't think we ever will.

Do They Call Their Children Adults?

"Can you hand me my calculator?"
"Sure thing baby."

You might think that this dialogue was between a regular person and an ultra-smart infant, one plotting to take over the world, or possibly do its taxes from the business it started; "Baby Buggy Bumpers" a rubber padding you can easily line your stairs with- but no, if you thought that you would be wrong.  Dead wrong.  Ok, you'd probably be alive, but you'd still be wrong.
This conversation is between two adult humans!  Ones that are either dating or married!  To each other!  I know, it was hard for me to believe at first, I thought the genius baby scenario was much more plausible.  Apparently though, calling your significant other "Baby" is a term of affection or endearment.  Why you would compare the person you are attracted to to a baby is beyond me.  It's sick, actually.  Who wants to make out with a baby?
"Hey babe."
Is that an implication of a toothless, fat faced incontinent?  I'm surprised there are so many successful relationships with that kind of name calling  going on.

Where's the Box for "Everything but your commercials. And chicken."?

Over the weekend during a basketball game I was watching I saw a Domino's pizza commercial where they were advertising about their special new chicken recipe.  It makes sense.  You're already selling a product that has nothing to do with chickens, why not throw them in there too?  I know I can't have a good pepperoni pie without thinking about chicken.
On this commercial they advertise that they want to "get it right", so much so that they send the chicken in a box with three boxes on it to check off.

The commercial ends with the pizza man (chicken man?) acting all worried about these new boxes. 

....what?

I'm really confused as to what is expected of us.  Are we supposed to return our used boxes to our local Domino's with a box checked off?  Or is it implied that Domino's is going to dig through trash at the garbage dump looking for which box was checked on their chicken boxes?  Maybe the CEO is a little confused and thinks the boxes are somehow connected to the internet?  Either way, their stunt was dumb enough to get me talking about it, so enjoy your free publicity; if my reader orders some Domino's chicken tonight, mission accomplished.  However, they probably will do so without any respect for your marketing, and what, Domino's, is more priceless?  The $5.55 that your chicken costs with a 2 topping Medium pizza also at the low price of $5.55, or having people not have the impression that we, the customer are idiots?  Wait, don't answer that.

I'm also a little confused about the options on the box.  I know if I cooked dinner with someone and invited some guests over, fed them the dinner and then asked "Did we get it right?" if they replied with "Oh yes we did."  I'd be very perplexed as to their use of the word "we", since they had nothing to do with the cooking of the dinner.  I guess Domino's is trying to be hip?  Word.

Inside the Minds of Creative Giants

INSIDE THE MARKETING DEPARTMENT FOR A CAR COMPANY


HEAD OF MARKETING: How should we market our new luxury sedan?
ASSOCIATE 1: Let's do a commercial!
HEAD OF MARKETING: Great idea.  What should we put in the commercial?
ASSOCIATE 2: How about the car!
HEAD OF MARKETING: Brilliant.  What else?
ASSOCIATE 3: We could have the car driving around?
HEAD OF MARKETING: How do we come up with this stuff?  Ok- that's perfect, but we need to do better than perfection.  What else could we possible do with this idea?
ASSOCIATE 1: .....
ASSOCIATE 2: .....
ASSOCIATE 3: .....
ASSOCIATE 4: .....
ASSOCIATE 1: We could have the car driving around an empty city!
ASSOCIATE 2: Or an empty winding road!
ASSOCIATE 3: Dangerously!
ASSOCIATE 4: Or a barren desert!
HEAD OF MARKETING: Of COURSE!   All the perfect places our target audience wants to and could possibly drive our car!  Gentlemen, we all earned our six figure salaries today, let's go get drunk!  Who cares if it's 2pm?



INSIDE THE LOONEY TUNES WRITERS ROOM


WRITER: We need to come up with a new character.
OTHER WRITER: How about an animal with a speech impediment?
ALL WRITERS: Let's do it!



INSIDE THE COORS/BUD/MILLER LITE MARKETING DEPARTMENT


MARKETING MANAGER: How can we distract the public from our terrible tasting product?
ASSOCIATE 1: Boobs!
ASSOCIATE 2: And something wacky happens!
ASSOCIATE 3: A guy's pants light on fire!
 (someone in the office's PANTS actually light on FIRE)
ALL: PARTYYYY TIMMEEE

Animal Sayings

Some animal sayings work, like "busy little beaver" - beavers generally seem like they would be busy animals, what with their dam building and all.  But most of them....they're pretty ridiculous.


Sick as a dog What?  Are dogs generally sick animals?  I've seen a lot of old dogs, and even some sick dogs, but I don't understand this expression.

The cat's meow/ The cat's pajamas/ The cat's whiskers  What about all these things are so great? Also cats do not wear pajamas.

The bee's knees Bees do not have knees- so apparently if you told someone you think they're the bee's knees, that means you think they're non-existent?

Raining cats and dogs If I'm trying in earnest to think of how this saying is supposed to correlate with "It's raining a lot", the best I can do is....it's raining so much the water coming down looks like the shape of a cat or dog?  And that's terrible.  This might be the worst of them all.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth As mentioned yesterday, I do not know what a "gift horse" is...a horse that brings you a gift?  And I have no clue why looking it in the mouth would be a bad thing.

Busy bee/Birds and the bees Bees can be busy making honey, I get that, (even though most of the time they're just flying around landing on stuff, doesn't seem that busy to me) my problem is the laziness.  Clearly out of all the animals in the animal kingdom, we could have done better than the bee for our busiest, we just wanted to get cute with the alliteration and not think about it anymore.  And I also get the pollination angle for the birds and the bees thing- though I don't get what birds have to do with it- but again, having two things that start with the same letter does not equal a good expression.  My alternatives?  "Busy as a being" (as in "human", since that what they actually are) and "sex".

Birds of a feather flock together Are you trying to say "Birds that have the same kinds of feathers flock together"?  Because you're not.

Kill two birds with one stone I get this one too, but jeez.  They're just birds, lay off.

Chicken I don't really think of chickens as being the most cowardly of all animals.  And isn't it enough that we devour them more than any other animal, we have to humiliate them while we're at it?  We already have "Scaredy cat" and cats are pretty jumpy, I'm ok with that one.

The king of the jungle Lions don't live in the jungle.  Good one.

Don't have a cow What kind of sick freak thought of this saying?

To rat someone out Ah yes, the rat- commonly known for exposing its friends or brethren for personal gain.

Eat crow How far back do these sayings go?  Did people actually eat crows to admit they were wrong?

Pigeon hole Yes....you'd hate to be stuck in those holes that pigeons are always hiding out in.   Either that or....I don't even want to know what else a pigeon hole could be.

There's more than one way to skin a cat Again, who is the sick freak who came up with this?  Why was anyone skinning cats? And what other way could there possibly be aside from using a sharp object?  Disgusting.

Piggyback What does this have to do with pigs?

My Horse is Amazing

Let's hear it for the unsung heroes of a generation.  The men and women who have lifted us up upon their backs and shoulders, the gravity that's kept us grounded, and shielded us from the horrors, terrors, and nightmares that we'd constantly be facing without their courage and honor.
Who else could I possibly be talking about but the 2nd person in a 2 person horse costume.  Not only does fronty get all the credit when the horse is unmasked, but you're in the back, bent over all night, literally being the butt of all the jokes made about you, in a hot smelly horse half.  People who we generally detest are often referred to as "a horse's ass", and yet here you are.  They tell us not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I say let's not look at a horse back half at all.  Also, I have no idea what a gift horse is, and why we can't look it in the mouth.

Scooby-Doo MYSTERIES

-Could they converse with Scooby-Doo?  If so, why go around solving mysteries when you have a talking dog?

-Why did they name their car "The Mystery Machine" when they could have named it "Mysterymobile"?

-Where did these people meet?  And how did they all become friends?  The preppy, the fashionable pretty one, the bookworm, the hippie, and a talking dog?

-Did they charge for their mystery solving?  If not, where did they get cash?

-The bad guys always referred to them as "kids", but how old were they?

-Was death possible in the Scooby-Doo universe?  If not, what were Shaggy and Scooby so afraid of?

-Did they name the dog after the brand of dog snacks "Scooby-snacks"?  If not, how was there a brand of dog treats named "Scooby Snacks"?

Even inserting Scooby-Doo into episode I would have been better than Jar-Jar

I Went to the Barber This Weekend

People have said to me "Oh, you got your haircut!"
I reply, "Which one?"

TOP O THE MORNIN TO YEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEE EE E.

What's up guys, it's me.  St. Patrick.  So- as I see a lot of you already knew, today was St. Patrick's day.  That's me!  I'm up here in heaven, watching over everybody on my day- and it's great you're all having a good time.  Really warms my heart- and honestly who else can say they have a day named after them that people actually get excited for?  I can think of like three people.  But- you guys.... come on.  I'm all for having a good time, but can we just incorporate a little bit of me into my day?  I don't even really like green.  It's ok, but I really like aqua.  Even a nice powder blue would be cool.  How about you honor me by saying a nice prayer?  And speaking of which, you know what I'm famous for right?  No, not the snakes- what the actual person St. Patrick was famous for- a prayer denouncing paganism!  And while I appreciate the irony- it sucks when you ask someone who they think of when they think of St. Patrick's day, they don't say "St. Patrick", they say "a leprechaun".  Man, I hate that guy!
Plus, you guys know I'm the patron saint of engineers, right?  Not a group exactly known for their partying.  Give old St. Regina the day of partying- she could use the cheering up.  She's the patron saint of Shepherdesses, and there's not a lot of those around anymore, she's pretty bored.  Oh, and the pinching!  Seriously guys, wtf.

Bug Guilt

Lord Fruqwan, King of the giant spiders speaks:

Quiet, QUIET!

Let the next meeting of the Society of the Order of the Circle of Monstrously Giant Crawling Bugs come to order.  My friends; it is time.  For too long, the humans have smushed our tiny brethren with tissues and old Anthropologie catalogs.  Well now I, say it is time for us to bring their worst fears to life.  The next time one of my spider brothers are smushed, that human better make sure they do not close their eyes.  For if they kill one of them shortly before taking a shower, or going to bed, or ANY other activity in which one closes their eyes, you can be certain I will slowly be crawling up behind them- for revenge!  If they thought the version of me that was 1/20 my size was scary, wait until they see me!  Questions?  Excellent.  Then let us finally have our revenge!






-This is what I picture happening to me whenever I kill a bug (particularly spider) right before getting in or while I'm in the shower or before going to bed.  The second I close my eyes, a giant whatever it was is coming to get me.

Bat-Tholomew at the Metropolitan Museum of Art

Ay, it's me again- Bat-tholomew, the famous New York bat.  Well, besides the bats of all the Yankees, right?  GO YANKS.  But ay, lookit!  We ain't a bunchas dummies over here- look how cultured I am, spending time at the MET.  That's how us New Yorkers run.  Now you may notice I have a hot dog in my hand instead of some of our famous New York pizza- the best pizza in ALL of da country.  Hey, sometimes even us New Yorkers is running late and don't have time for no pizza- that's why we have our famous street dogs.  Because come on- what else you want me to do- wait in line at one a them fancy shmancy places where a soup costs 15 dollars?  What am I an animal?  Ha ha.  So I'm in the galleries lookin around at all the arts and fancy chiseled rocks they have here, when I'm thinkin'- "AY!"  Where da famous arts of all the bats?  Buncha wise-asses just painting people and chilseling statues of people with no arms and such.  Maybe I should take up some chiselin.  Ay!  Until next time, ....Start Spreadin' tha News.......

OBVIOUS HEADLINE OR TERRIBLE PUN

-I've always thought it amazing that it's someone's job to write gift cards, and to write headlines for newspapers/online articles.
"Hmm...blah blah blah, you're special, blah blah blah, happy anniversary, blah blah blah you're HOW old?!?!? blah blah blah happy birthday (put a picture of an old lady or man on it har har), blah blah blah, you're a great MISCELLANEOUS RELATIVE" I also like that there are cards that have an extra slot to "hold" the money you put inside of it.  The card within an envelope isn't good enough?  How thoughtful.  A $20 pocket that cuts down on the space to write something.

-Do you think people who say "Enjoy your dinner." or "Enjoy your movie." are commanding you to do so in hopes that you won't complain to them?  Ordering someone around is much different than well wishes.  "I hope you enjoy your dinner".

-I heard someone refer to their date the other night as "my pet".  Creepy on so many levels.

-Just because there's a little bit of cereal and a little bit of milk left- less than I would want for a full portion later when I'm actually hungry, doesn't mean I should finish them off.  Next time, I'll remember.   Or look in the box, shrug my shoulders, and continue to pour out the coccoa pebbles.

A Band Name for Every Day of the Week

The other day I was thinking about how seemingly random band names are.  Maybe they don't have meaning, but the sound cool- like if you were to say "WE ARE ____!"* it would sound good coming out of a sound system.
Or some hipster beard kid would enjoy saying "Yeah, I listen to ____, haven't you heard of them?"
OR- it would be fun to have ____ playing in your backyard for a wedding, party, or bat mitzvah.  Anyway, I spent a week thinking up of a new band name each day: enjoy! 


Monday: The Frozen Boomerangs
Tuesday: Toasted Chest Nuts
Wednesday: Reginald
Thursday: The Super Bulls
Friday: The Bungee Network
Saturday: The Nouns
Sunday: Far Jangtrakool and the Spaceship Shooters



Bonus Band Name: Flibberty Gibbet There's a Walrus in my Attic


*hmm..."we are ____!" might be a good band name too....so ironic

What do You Get When You Cross an Elephant and a Rhino?

Scientists have long sought the answer to this question, but they shall search no more!

Earlier this week, a new fantastical beast was discovered: I give you: the Rhinophant.

Photographed somewhere near the Serengeti, the Rhinophant is pretty much an elephant, but with a rhino horn on the end of its trunk.  Often, people had asked the question "What DO you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?"  At very odd times, like when asked "Do you know what time it is?"  or "Do you know any jokes?".

The discovery was made by a young girl named Tiffany Goodridge who was on safari with her family.  Incredibly excited by the discovery of a new species, Tiffany beamed when asked if she thought about naming the Rhinopant after herself.  "No", she said "I think Rhinophant is better because it looks like a rhino and an elephant."
Shortly after the discovery her parents were brutally gored by the previously thought to be mostly docile Rhinophant.  The service for the Goodridges will be this Sunday at St. Andrew's Church at 9am.  Tiffany will now be raised by her Aunt and older sister, Julianne who live in a suburb of Kettering.

You Don't Have a Leg to Stand On

Whoever started this expression was a real jerk.

LAVARSE LAS MANOS

Guys,

Wash your hands.  It's not that hard.  And don't think I'm not on to you- turning on the faucet and pretending to run your hands under it for 2 seconds then grabbing a towel and quickly walking out doesn't count as washing your hands.  I know you wouldn't be washing anything if you were by yourself.  And frankly, the whole production is kind of insulting.  I'm aware of the fact that in order to properly wash your hands you need soap, and I'm aware of the fact that you're aware.

Ladies,

I can't be sure what's going on in there, but equal opportunity- I'm holding you to the same standard.  No faking.

Dogs,

You're off the hook.  Far as I know, dog paw soap isn't commonplace in parks or on lawns.  Congrats on learning how to read and navigating the internet though.

Robots,

Your humanoid-like digits or claws need sanitizing.  I don't know what you're doing in one of our bathrooms, but soap up!  I don't care if the water's going to short circuit something.


Thank you.

Half-global Colding

It's been kind of cold lately.  Global warming, you have disappointed me for the last time.  I don't think the entire globe is warm, or my big gray sweatshirt would still be shoved unfolded into a drawer.  So let's get real here, and talk about a real problem: Space Monkeys.  Sure, maybe they're not "real"- ok, they're not actually real, but somewhere out there, there's some real moon monkeys, and they're probably making sure you're not thinking about them as we speak- in fact,

Baby Don't Hurt Me, Don't Hurt Me. No More.

Over the weekend I was thinking about love.  I know, how romantic of me.  It's why you, loyal reader, come here, and we both know it.  For advice on the big L.  Well here it is:  It's just like a little l only you make the bottom a little longer.  To the right.  No, but seriously folk:  how can I dole out some love advice when I don't even know what that is?  Furthermore, you don't know what it is either.  There are too many things to "love" in this world.  And we only have this one stupid word and varying degrees of "like" which is even worse to describe the way we feel about awesome things.  I love cookies, football, my Mom, my future wife and children, and saying one-liners to bugs before I ace them.  The problem is, I do not love all of these things equally or in the same way- and imagine the complications that could possibly arise if you misinterpret this or even worse, take any of them out of context.
Future wife- if you're reading this, I do not love you the same way I love cookies.  Although it's close, one of you has the edge.
You know, the Ancient Greeks were very forward thinking.*    As you may already know, they were smart enough to come up with different words for love: Agape, Eros, Storge, and a couple other ones that sound like types of wine.  Pretty smart I'd say. 
But they also drank a lot of lead, didn't have bubble gum, and thought the sun was brought into the sky every day by a guy flying around in a chariot pulled by fire horses.  So I thought I'd do everyone a favor and bring some specificity to loving things by coming up with some new words we can use when we love stuff.
Here's a starting point:


Ruv  - A word to use when you love your pet.  I figure we might as well use the commonly accepted "cartoon dog" way of speaking here.  As in: "I ruv you Poocher McBarksy"

P'ove - When food is really good, and you love it.  Everyone loves pizza, and I always appreciated Pizza Hut's name for the failed lunch treat the "P'zzone".  Might as well combine "pizza" and "love" to form a word that means a love of food.  As in: "I p'ove this toast!"

Not enough of us p'oved the P'zone.

Dee-Eh -  The way a parent loves their child.  Mostly because we're genetically inclined and narcissistic enough to unconditionally love something that possesses half of our DNA.  Hence half of "DNA".  As in:  "Judy, I'm only overlooking the fact that you failed all of your classes, lit the car on fire, called Grandma "a baboon" and still refuse to get your mother a birthday card because I dee-eh you."

Entertain-O -  Conversely, as the provider of television and video games/internet, children love their parents.  As in: "Gimmie Sponge-Bob and in exchange you will have my entertain-O"

Boobz - For all the bros out there, so they can express just how hot they think their babes are without classing it up with a word like "love".  Figured we may as well just keep it pronounced the same way as boobs but just spell it with a "z".  Don't want to make it any harder than it is for them.  As in:  "Whoa, I totally boobz you".

DeGenerous - For girls to express their platonic love.  I know we already have the word platonic, but let's face it- that word sucks.  It sounds like a combination of "Pluto and tonic", or "Plate Tectonics".  I have found that all women, young and old, large and small love Ellen.  Us guys already have "bro" and "homey" and "dawg" and "comrade" etc. so I figure coming up with another one would be redundant.   As in:  "I DeGenerous to go shopping with you, you're my DeGenerous!"

Ka-Pow - I would ka-pow to be Batman.  As in: "I would ka-pow to be Batman"

Ultra-Fire-Meteo - the ultimate level of Love.  Like soul-mate love.  So when you Ultra-Fire-Meteo someone, that's like An Ultra-Firework Meteor of Love.  As in: "I know the ladies will want hear how much they are Ultra-Fire-Meteoed."



*It must suck to be a present Greek and have that shadow cast over you.  They have a ton of philosophizing and society creating to do to catch up.  It must create quite a complex.