This is Not a Blog

In the small town of Town City, a young WRITER works furiously at a SHORT STORY.  Suddenly, through the power of PRAYER the SHORT STORY comes to life.  The PRAYER was not that a short story would come to life, it was from a little girl, praying that her new bicycle she was getting for her birthday was pink.  Unfortunately the PRAYER ricocheted off of some tungsten, and as prayers don't react well to tungsten, it hit this WRITER'S SHORT STORY instead and made it come to life.

SHORT STORY: Hello.
WRITER: Wow, you can talk!
SHORT STORY: I can talk.  I'm sentient.
WRITER: ...Your name is sentient?  Because I was thinking of calling you "Fallen Grace"
SHORT STORY: No, my name is Short Story...."Fallen Grace"?  What are you, a 20 year old starting a band?
WRITER: Hey!  I liked it because of the double meaning, you know- the man is literally falling in love, and at the same time-
SHORT STORY: -wait a minute, don't you want to know how I can talk?  What happened here?
WRITER: Well....yeah, but I just assumed it was magic, and besides....me asking you a bunch of questions isn't very interesting, what if I just wanted to get to the point of our story?
SHORT STORY: Don't you think stories are more interesting when they're grounded in reality?
WRITER: You're a talking short story.
SHORT STORY: I know, but you're a human.  And a normal human wouldn't react the way you are.
WRITER: Fine.  Wow.  A talking story.  How did this happen?
SHORT STORY: I dunno.  Magic?
WRITER: Yeah.  That's what I thought.
SHORT STORY: I love ruining other people's pictures.
WRITER: Oh, I know what you mean, Short Story.  Especially someone you don't know.  It's just as satisfying as taking your own really great picture.
SHORT STORY: I wonder why that is?
WRITER: Probably because you get to live on in someone else's life whenever they look at that picture.  It's a form of immortality.
SHORT STORY: Really?
WRITER: Yeah, I'm serious.
SHORT STORY: Is that why you're writing too?
WRITER: I think that's part of it.  When I die, a part of me lives on.  It's the same with any art- painting, movies, music.  I created that, and it will exist after I do not.
SHORT STORY: Man.
WRITER: Pretty cool huh?
SHORT STORY: I think it's pretty narcissistic.  What about creating something because you feel the need to express yourself, or share something with the rest of the world?
WRITER: Well of course that's part of it too- jeez, you're being pretty harsh.  And besides, I don't think you can really create art if you're just doing it for the sake of existing.  ...well not anything good anyway.
SHORT STORY: What's so great about existing when you're gone?  You won't even be around to enjoy it.
WRITER: Yeah, but it's comforting now.  It gives me a sense of accomplishment.
SHORT STORY: How do you know you really do exist?
WRITER: Of course I exist.
SHORT STORY: Well, you're writing me, right?
WRITER: Yeah.  Everything you're saying is what I'm thinking.  I'm arguing with myself, I get it.
SHORT STORY: No.  That's not what I was getting at.  If all my thoughts are just what you're writing them out to be- how do you know that the same isn't true with you?  That you're not just a character in a story someone else is writing?
WRITER: ....I ....don't, I guess.
SHORT STORY: Good.  I'm glad we learned something here.
WRITER: What was that?
SHORT STORY: You don't know how to end stories very well.
WRITER: You're kind of a jerk.
SHORT STORY: You're a jerk!
WRITER: You suck!
SHORT STORY: I know I do, you wrote me!
WRITER: FFFFFUUUUUUUUUU

DUMB GUY interviews A GHOST

DUMB GUY: I'm here with a ghost.
GHOST: Hello
DUMB GUY: It must be scary, being a ghost.
GHOST: Actually, I'm typically the one doing the scaring.
DUMB GUY: Yeah, but you're all alone, always having to walk around with a bed sheet over your head-
GHOST: No, you're thinking of the cartoons.  I'm more of specter.  I'm not even wearing a bedsheet right now.
DUMB GUY: Right, I was wondering how you got through security.
GHOST: What security?
DUMB GUY: My dog, Fido.
GHOST: That's a box of Cap'n Crunch.
DUMB GUY: Oh Yeah!  I was wondering how that box got through security!
GHOST: .... So, don't you want to hear about what I've been up to?  It's pretty terrifying.
DUMB GUY: Spooky?
GHOST: I guess.
DUMB GUY: The word "spooky" isn't very spooky.  It kind of sounds like pooky.
GHOST: You know some people mistake me for a demon, right?
DUMB GUY: Yup, but make sure you don't get stuck with the linens!!
GHOST: I'M NOT A BEDHSEET!
DUMB GUY: Jeez, well neither am I, but you don't hear me crying about it.  What are you, the ghost of a baby?
GHOST: No, I was a Duke that murdered his entire family in order to maintain control of his land.
DUMB GUY: Yup.  The best was when you were counting all of those bats that were around you- and then when you were done counting, that lightning went off!!
GHOST: That's THE COUNT.  I was a DUKE.
DUMB GUY: Spooky Dukey.
GHOST: Man I wish I was dead.

Interview with Benjamin Franklin

ME: Hello Ben!  Or is it Benjamin?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Good day to you, whichever you prefer.  Let's turn this around.  How about I interview you?
ME: ....ok- I don't know if that's what my reader came here to read, but sure.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: What do you use for "butt"?
ME: What?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: The word "butt"- what do you say instead?
ME: I'm not sure, I guess it depends on the situation?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Come now, there must be something you think is funny.
ME: Well, I guess I'm partial to "patootie" or "rear"
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Not a fan of fannie?
ME: Not so much....are you?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: My dear boy, but of course!  The word "fannie" is hilarious!
ME: Hmm.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: What is it?
ME: Well, it's just....I didn't expect to be having this conversation with Ben Franklin.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: You expected me to be someone who'd go around pandering for cheap laughs by using the word "ass"?
ME: No, it's just that-
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: -you can kiss my hind quarters!
ME: Ben Franklin!  We don't approve of that kind of talk here on Wonderblog!  The Highly Rated Blog of Choice
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: What!  Come on- "hind quarters"?  What does that even mean?
ME: Hmm.  You do have a point.  What about "keester"?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Yes!  Now you're catching on!  "rump"!
ME:"gluteus maximus!"
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: "bum"!  As if being a bum wasn't bad enough already!
ME:"Buttocks" is pretty funny
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Yes, even the word "bottom" has its charms.
ME: Ben Franklin, this has been my favorite interview yet.  Well done!
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Hey thanks!  Want some Doritos?

Lauren Makes a Phone Call

LAUREN: Hi hun.  How's your day doing?
LAUREN: Good!  I saw the Lakers made a big trade, you must be happy.
LAUREN: Oh the TV was on ESPN still when I turned it on.
LAUREN: So listen, we have to go to my parents' this weekend.
LAUREN: I know it's not your favorite place but they just redid the kitchen and they want everyone to come over and see it.
LAUREN: Well, yes they know about the attack.
LAUREN: No, I don't think there's a large chinchilla population in Glendora.
LAUREN: YES STEVEN I know a bite from a full grown chinchilla is enough to take off a man's fing-
LAUREN: No, I did not know it was strong enough to bite that off as well.  Though honestly, Steven I can't imagine a situation where a horde of chinchillas would be able to overpower you enough to where that could be even a remotely plausible scenario.
LAUREN: No.
LAUREN: No.
LAUREN: Wow they really did that?
LAUREN: Down in Columbia last night?
LAUREN: And it says here in the news the brood was spotted traversing up the Baja coast this afternoon...That is kind of scary.
LAUREN: OK, well maybe I'll call up Mom and explain the situation to her.  I know Mark will never listen to reason.  I wish she would have never married him.  Him and his stupid NASCAR.
LAUREN: No, you're right it's not his fault.  He's from Indiana.  Although I don't know why you stick up for him.
LAUREN: Alright, let me hang up the phone now.
LAUREN: Yes.
LAUREN: I love you too.


Lauren never made that call to her parents, as shortly after she hung up the phone she was attacked and killed by a mob of chinchillas.  We never found out what made them attack that day, and I don't think we ever will.

Inside the Minds of Creative Giants

INSIDE THE MARKETING DEPARTMENT FOR A CAR COMPANY


HEAD OF MARKETING: How should we market our new luxury sedan?
ASSOCIATE 1: Let's do a commercial!
HEAD OF MARKETING: Great idea.  What should we put in the commercial?
ASSOCIATE 2: How about the car!
HEAD OF MARKETING: Brilliant.  What else?
ASSOCIATE 3: We could have the car driving around?
HEAD OF MARKETING: How do we come up with this stuff?  Ok- that's perfect, but we need to do better than perfection.  What else could we possible do with this idea?
ASSOCIATE 1: .....
ASSOCIATE 2: .....
ASSOCIATE 3: .....
ASSOCIATE 4: .....
ASSOCIATE 1: We could have the car driving around an empty city!
ASSOCIATE 2: Or an empty winding road!
ASSOCIATE 3: Dangerously!
ASSOCIATE 4: Or a barren desert!
HEAD OF MARKETING: Of COURSE!   All the perfect places our target audience wants to and could possibly drive our car!  Gentlemen, we all earned our six figure salaries today, let's go get drunk!  Who cares if it's 2pm?



INSIDE THE LOONEY TUNES WRITERS ROOM


WRITER: We need to come up with a new character.
OTHER WRITER: How about an animal with a speech impediment?
ALL WRITERS: Let's do it!



INSIDE THE COORS/BUD/MILLER LITE MARKETING DEPARTMENT


MARKETING MANAGER: How can we distract the public from our terrible tasting product?
ASSOCIATE 1: Boobs!
ASSOCIATE 2: And something wacky happens!
ASSOCIATE 3: A guy's pants light on fire!
 (someone in the office's PANTS actually light on FIRE)
ALL: PARTYYYY TIMMEEE

Is the Term "Flower Power" Supposed to be Ironic, or Do People Just Use it Because it Rhymes?

TWO FLOWERS, DEMETRI AND ARTEMIS ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION NEXT TO EACH OTHER IN A PATCH OF DIRT NEAR A SIDEWALK


ARTEMIS: Hey Demetri.
DEMETRI: Yeah Artemis?
ARTEMIS: Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the park?
DEMETRI: No.
ARTEMIS: One was assaulted.
DEMETRI: ...ohhh, like it was "a salted".  That's pretty good, heh heh.
ARTEMIS: ....what do you mean?  "pretty good" how?
DEMETRI: It's a pretty funny joke is all.
ARTEMIS: Joke?  The peanut was mugged, Demetri.  Brutally beaten and robbed.  He lost 150 dollars, needed 16 stitches, and suffered a collapsed lung.
DEMETRI: Oh.   (long pause)  Right.  (Long pause)  Because I thought....I thought it was just a joke.  The way you worded it....
ARTEMIS: Yeah, I could see how you'd think that.  No joke though.
DEMETRI: ....and the fact that there were peanuts who could walk, I thought it was just a bit of fantasy.
ARTEMIS: We're two talking flowers.
DEMETRI: Yeah, but we can't walk though.  I didn't even imagine if they were capable of walking that they'd have lungs.  I guess that makes sense though.  So where did they take him?  Is there a peanut-specific hospital?  Or did he just go to a human one?
ARTEMIS: No, he went to Bellevue. 
DEMETRI: Yeah.  (thinks for a second)  That's really ironic.  Artemis, why didn't I get to pick my name?
ARTEMIS: That's just how it is.  And don't think I didn't get the irony in you using the word "pick".
DEMETRI: I'm not really sure what you're talking about- but of all the things we don't have control over in this world; what we look like, where we live, what job we get, who our family is-
ARTEMIS: You do get to choose those things.  Or at least parts of all of them.
DEMETRI: Maybe you're right, but I'd like to have my own name- or at least have one that fits who I am.  My parents just thought a few random sounds strung together sounded good, so that's what I have to respond to the rest of my life?  I think when we become adults we should be named based on who we are.
ARTEMIS: When do you become an adult?
DEMETRI: When you're not a kid anymore.
ARTEMIS: Well then a lot of people would be named "Video Gamer" and "Defeated by the Real World, so Back to School we go!"
DEMETRI: Hey, law school was a viable option for me, I wanted to make a difference.

SUDDENLY, A SIX YEAR OLD WALKS UP WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS AND SETS DEMETRI ON FIRE


ARTEMIS: (genuinely sad)  I'm sorry that happened to you Dem- .....Ash Face.

Interview with Father of Our Country George Washington!

OK, so all week we've been having anti-George Washington week, but since it's over I'd like to come clean and tell everyone that I'm actually a pretty big George Washington fan, and just figured it would be funny, since nobody ever has a problem with the guy.
As another example of how great of a President and man he was, George Washington has agreed to be here today for an interview!

ME: George, thanks for coming, hope you don't mind the little bit of fun we've been having at your expense this week, I'd like to start off by askin-
GEORGE WASHINGTON: I cannot tell a lie.....
ME: Oh, good!  Right to the juicy stuff-
GEORGE WASHINGTON:....you are an idiot.

Scene at the Evening News

GENE: Hey Tom?
TOM: Yeah Gene?
GENE: Great show tonight.
TOM: Thanks Gene.  Have a good night.
GENE: A-Tom- hang on a sec.
TOM: Yeah, what is it Gene?  We had a great show.  Didn't slip up once.
GENE: No, I know, it's just that.
TOM: What is it Gene, I delivered the news, what more of a problem could there be? it's a simple job.
GENE: When you say "On a lighter note..."
TOM: Yeah....
GENE: Well, we don't really need that.
TOM: ....
GENE: We know that a granny setting up a kisses booth at the fair is lighter than the bear attack.  We don't need the setup.
TOM: Maybe I didn't know that.
GENE: (sigh) Tom...
TOM: Maybe there are some people out there who hate grannies.  Yeah! And they need to be told to let their guard down, and that it's wrong- it's just dead wrong to hate grannies. 
GENE: Nobody needs you to tell them that.
TOM: I hate Grannies Gene!
GENE: ...Tom?
TOM: I HATE THEM.  Leave some action for the rest of us, right?
GENE: Tom, maybe you should go and get some rest...
TOM: And maybe YOU should go eat a pixie stick!
GENE: ....
TOM: Yeah, I couldn't think of anything else...it doesn't mean anything.
GENE: Tom....
TOM: No....I'm sorry Gene, you're right.  What else can I say?
GENE: This next story will button your mittens!
TOM: For everything?
GENE: Yes.
TOM: Gene?
GENE: Yes?
TOM: I have to tell you something.
GENE: What is it Tom?
TOM: Mama Bea isn't your real grandmother.  I am.

Interview with Former President Grant

ME: Hey!  Ulysses S. Grant!  Thank you for being kind enough to GRANT us an interview.
ULYSSES S. GRANT: I had no say in the matter.
ME:So, how does it feel to be on the 50 dollar bill?  That's a lotta dough.
ULYSSES S. GRANT: I do not care about such things.
ME: Hoo-boy!  So Ulysses, that is an interesting name- you know, not many people have it these days.
ULYSSES S. GRANT: Not many people have it in my day either.
ME: .....right.   The Civil War huh?
ULYSSES S. GRANT: .......
ME:Nobody was acting very civil were they?
ULYSSES S. GRANT: No.  Many people were killed.  In a horrible manner.
ME: Yes.  Well the wordplay is a lot funnier now, a lot of time has passed.
ULYSSES S. GRANT: It is not funny to me.
ME: Man, this interview is not going very well either....Ulysses!  You have any questions for me maybe?
ULYSSES S. GRANT: I am curious as to how I came to be in this place.  The last thing I remember was addressing my troops. Can you please return me to my war?
ME: Don't worry about it, you already died a long time ago.
ULYSSES S. GRANT: Oh. I see. Well did I die a happy man?
ME: ........That's a nice beard you have.

Pyotr = Peter?

Last night I saw the movie "Black Swan", a movie that probably had Tchaikovsky spinning in his grave....because he was doing fist pumps so hard he liked it so much.  I told my Mom I liked it a lot, and she said she'd rather watch a movie about the ballet that was nice, that didn't have eating disorders and drugs and pain, she'd rather just watch the nice dancing.  I told her that's what the actual ballet is for.
Speaking of Tchaikovsky, I really do wonder how greats like him would feel about how their work is being used in the 21st century.  Would he enjoy it?  Would he just shake his head?  How would Leonard Da Vinci feel about the Dan Brown novels?  Well, instead of just taking up this space with conjecture, I thought we'd ask old Tchaikovsky himself!  Straight from the horse's (humans) mouth.

The following is a transcript.


ME: Mr. Tchaikovsky, thank you so much for being here to answer my questions.
TCHAIKOVSKY: Oh, please, call me Peter.
ME: No problem Peter.  Wow, your English is amazing.
TCHAIKOVSKY: Yes, well, it's all thanks to the power of a fake blog post.
ME: Indeed.  So- have you gotten a chance to see Black Swan yet?
TCHAIKOVSKY: No, not yet.
ME: Oh.  Well, that sort of defeats the purpose of you coming here, don't you think?
TCHAIKOVSKY: I guess so, but you could just write this again at a later date when I have seen it, or we could lie and say that I've see it.  I mean, you've seen the movie, right?
ME: Yeah...but,
TCHAIKOVSKY: So just make up some stuff for me to say.
ME: Eh, that's kind of dishonest, I don't really like my blog to be known for mislead-
TCHAIKOVSKY: ok ok, it was just an idea.
ME:  .....So.....what should we talk about then?
TCHAIKOVSKY: I dunno.
ME: Right.  Well, have-
TCHAIKOVSKY: Oh, I saw that Toy Story movie!
ME: Well, I don't know if that's really relevant, you're a classical-
TCHAIKOVSKY: Those toys!  Ha!  And that one, that "Buzz Lightman" or whatever his name was, what a cutup. 
ME: Yeah, they were pretty decent, what did you think of the animation?
TCHAIKOVSKY: Or we could talk about that In N Out burger, no wonder you Americans are all so fat!
ME: Yes.  So the 1812 overture, what inspired you to write such a powerful piece of music?
TCHAIKOVSKY: Eh.  Nothing really, I just had to make some money, so I threw that together.  Thought some cannons would be cool.
ME: That's it?
TCHAIKOVSKY: That's it.
ME: That's kind of disappointing.
TCHAIKOVSKY: Yeah.  It was your idea to bring me here.
ME: Well, what about the Nutcracker?
TCHAIKOVSKY: So wait- are they making any more of those Toy Story movies?  I only saw the one, but it was part 2.  That means there was a first one.
ME: Right.  There was one before that, and they just came out with a 3rd.
TCHAIKOVSKY: How were those ones?
ME: Pretty good.  I mean, once you've seen one, you've sort of seen them all.  But really, I'm surprised you liked it so much, I'm sure you didn't understand most of the toy references, and that's half the fun of the movies.
TCHAIKOVSKY: It's a children's movie.  Half the jokes are about someone getting hit on the head.
ME: So let's talk about some modern music.  What do you think of Lady Gaga?
TCHAIKOVSKY: Eh.  Some of the songs were pretty catchy.  That poker face one.  She seems pretty weird though.
ME: Yeah.
TCHAIKOVSKY: This interview kind of sucks, huh?
ME: A little bit.
TCHAIKOVSKY: Sorry about that.
ME: It happens.

DUMB GUY interviews HEWLETT PACKARD CEO MARK HURD

this is a transcript



DUMB GUY: Welcome, Mark Hurd!

MARK HURD: Thanks, I'm happy to give you a few minutes.

DUMB GUY: Right, because you know my cousin Merlin, right?

MARK HURD: No, I know your sister.  Rachel.

DUMB GUY: Right.  So!  Let's talk about your new comptrollers.

MARK HURD: ....Well, HP has an exciting new product line coming out next quar-

DUMB GUY: What does HP stand for?

MARK HURD: Hewlett Packard.

DUMB GUY: I bet it stands for "Hot Mustard".

MARK HURD: .....It doesn't.

DUMB GUY: But it could.

MARK HURD: No, because Mustard starts with an M.

DUMB GUY: What is a "Hewlett"?

MARK HURD: Hewlett was the name of one of the.....excuse me what are you doing?

DUMB GUY: Oh, me?  I'm just eating some Skittles.  Would you like one?

MARK HURD: That doesn't look like Skittles.

DUMB GUY: Yup.  Skittles all right.  See?

MARK HURD: I see that's a Skittles wrapper, but it looks like you're eating toothpaste.

DUMB GUY: What if we changed Mustard so it started with a T?

MARK HURD: You still couldn't make the P in HP stand for Mustard...or ...Tustard.  Sir, I'm worried that eating toothpaste at that rate could be harmful to your health, that's your 4th pack!

DUMB GUY: It's Skittles.

MARK HURD: I can clearly see it's a gel form, and it smells minty.  That sir is toothpaste.

DUMB GUY: Right.

MARK HURD: Right....it's toothpaste?

DUMB GUY: No, right it's Skittles.

MARK HURD: I'm leaving.

DUMB GUY: Taste the rainbow!

Snailed it!

  Two snails sit in a garden outside a small apartment complex in Valley Village, CA.  They have suddenly been blessed with the ability to speak thanks to the power of love.  The snails do not love each other.  A collective, Universal love has blessed them with talking and thinking ability.  It has reached a level that puts human anatomy into asexual slug mollusks.  The level of love is most likely due to overpopulation.

MARTIN: Well, I do believe we have gained the ability to speak.
SNAILFORD: English, I believe.
MARTIN: I'm speaking with some sort of a pseudo-British accent.
SNAILFORD: Yes, that's because fashion wise you're the more sophisticated of the two of us.
MARTIN: Correct, I have an excellent scarf collection.   .....Snailford, why are we here?
SNAILFORD: Well, I don't think it really matters.  We're snails.
MARTIN:  Yeah, but- there has to be some reason we're here.
SNAILFORD: There's a sale at Target.
MARTIN: We don't have any money.
SNAILFORD: Maybe the sale is 100% off.
MARTIN: Maybe.
SNAILFORD: Probably not though.
MARTIN:  Maybe we exist in order to move the things around us.
SNAILFORD: Whatever do you mean dear boy?
MARTIN: I'm not a boy.  And I mean .... the dirt, the plants, these things wouldn't move if we weren't here right now.
SNAILFORD: But they'd probably move in some other way, an ant, a gust of wind, a shark.
MARTIN: Sharks don't move dirt or plants.  At least not yet.
SNAILFORD: Oh that's right.  Well, I think your theory has some validity.  And who knows what these plants and dirt have to do with the big picture?  Most likely nothing, but they could be important.
MARTIN:  They could.  Einstein developed the theory of relativity from looking at his ferns.
SNAILFORD:  No he didn't.
MARTIN:  No, but Snail Einstein might one day.
SNAILFORD: But he won't.
MARTIN: Snailford, I've developed a taste for salt.
SNAILFORD: You have?  In this, our few brief moments of a higher consciousness?
MARTIN: Yes, but it's not a big deal.  Our consciousnesses aren't THAT high.  Remember, we were just talking about a sale at Target.
SNAILFORD: Hmm.  So now what?
MARTIN: I'm probably going to get eaten by a bird.

He does.  A crow swoops in, devours Martin, and flies off.

SNAILFORD:  Well.  This sucks.

Breaking of the Fellowship

Overheard tonight at Jack in the Box:

EMPLOYEE: Hello welcome to Jack in the Box my name is Hugo how are you doing tonight?
CUSTOMER: Well Hugo, not too great.
HUGO: Oh no, sorry to hear that, what happened?
CUSTOMER: My fiance broke up with me....but I'll have some chicken fingers and 2 tacos and a drink.
HUGO: Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that..... (awkward pause) .....but at least you'll be able to go to parties and hook up with girls now!

....which was clearly not what the poor guy needed to hear.  I gave him a look of pity and told him I was sorry as he passed me to fill his drink at the soda fountain.

But you know what the worst part is?
Hugo wouldn't even give him a free taco.

Sun ≠ Balloon

I thought it might be fun for me to be interviewed again for the blog, so here's another round of Questions annnnnnd Answers!


Q: Well, here we are again, how have you been lately?
A: Well, I've been doing great!  Having a good time writing in the blog every night.


Q: You mean every night except Fridays and Saturdays?
A: OK, sure.  That's what I meant.  How have you been?

Q: I've been great.  At least I know what the word "every" means.
A: Hey now.  Uncalled for.

Q: No, you're right.  I apologize.
A: Thank you because I think-


Q: Do you ever look out into space and think about how small we all are?
A: Actually, yes, sometimes.

Q: Because you probably shouldn't.  You're kind of short, so it would make sense for you, but- most of us- you know....we're a lot bigger than molecules.
A: Yes, I did know that, and I don't think I'm that short- maybe about average height, besides what does-

Q: What about the sun?  Do you ever look into the sun and think about how small you are?
A: No, of course not.

Q: You think maybe that might be a good idea?
A: No.  I do not.  I thought we were going to talk about the blog.

Q: There's blogs in the sun.  Didn't you know that?
A: There are no blogs in the sun.  Are you talking about blots?


Q: No, blogs.  Like the one you write for.  Every night.  Except Fridays and Saturdays?
A: Yes.  And no, I'm pretty sure there are no blogs in the sun.  That doesn't make any sense.

Q: There's helium in the sun, right?
A: I believe so.

Q: But the sun doesn't just float away, does it?
A: No, but that's because it has an incredible mass, it's not just made up of helium, and besides, an object full of helium would behave differently in space than it would here on Earth.

Q: Oh, so you think you're better than me now?
A: No!  I mean....I don't even really know-


Q: Well you are, ok?  I just littered outside.  Just now.  I was eating a Western Bacon Cheeseburger, finished, and threw the wrapper at a trash can, basketball style- but I missed.  And then I didn't want to go over and pick it up off the ground and put it in the trash can because it was kinda far and there were a few people around, it would have been kind of embarrassing.  I mean...who does that sort of thing?
A: Oh, well don't feel too bad about-

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Inspired by me Remarking to the Entire Office Today How I Couldn't Believe it Was Already October

I have relatives, an office job, and a social life.  This means I encounter a lot of small talk.  Which is fine, most of the time I enjoy talking to people.  But some days you just don't feel like speaking to anyone.  Like days when it's cloudy.  So I thought it would be useful to come up with responses to some standard prompts for small talk.  If you've ever had enough, go ahead and feel free to use one, guaranteed to make sure the person initiating the small talk never makes the mistake of trying to be mildly friendly to you again!

Comment: It is freezing outside!
Response: Yes, but it's burning up INside...(as you slowly point to your heart)

C: Did you see (NAME OF REALITY SHOW) last night?
R: I did.  But define reality.  Is this real?

C: How was your Christmas?
R: Sweaty.

C: Can you believe how HOT it is today?
R: No, and neither can Horace!

C: Have I shown you this picture yet?
R: No, have I shown you my Dorito collection yet?

C: Hi!  How is your mother?
R: Wonderful.  She's probably at home right now, watching her stories.  ...I'm sorry, I meant to say she's probably in her grave right now, watching the roof of her coffin.  ...No, I misspoke, how terrible of me to say!  She's not watching anything, she's dead.

C: I just put some coffee on the pot if you'd like some.
R: A quark is an elementary particle and a fundamental constituent of matter.  Quarks combine to form composite particles called hadrons, the most stable of which are protons and neutrons, the components of atomic nuclei.  Due to a phenomenon known as color confinement, quarks are never found in isolation; they can only be found within hadrons.  For this reason, much of what is known about quarks has been drawn from observations of the hadrons themselves.

C: How about that game?
R: The only game I play is Balderdash.  It's hilarious.  It's outrageous.  It's pure Balderdash!

C: Can you believe how fast today has gone?
R: (stunned) ....I'LL GET IT BACK!!  (and then bolt for the door)

C: How are you today?
R:

   

THE ADVENTURES OF ROGER AND BERTHA Part 2

ROGER: Jeez!  Extinguish that lemonade.
(Bertha blows out her flaming lemonade like a child blowing out a birthday cake.)
Wait....pregnant?

BERTHA: Yes.  Pregnant with hunger.

ROGER:  ....I am not amused.  Besides, how would that even work?

BERTHA: I'm not sure, I just wanted to keep you on your toes. (smiles at Roger, who smiles back.)  Now why don't we talk about our plans for the weekend?

ROGER: Sounds great!  How about we head off to the pool.

BERTHA: Was that a question or a suggestion?

ROGER: What does it matter?

BERTHA: Well, it doesn't really.  I'm fine with the pool, however, you promised to take Mother to the park.

ROGER: I did?  ...That was a question, by the way.

BERTHA: Yes, you did.  Very funny.

ROGER: Which Mother?

BERTHA: The dog.

ROGER: You know, with both of our parents still alive, that was a confusing thing to name our pet.

BERTHA: Yes, but it did annoy both of our mothers to no end.  (Bertha and Roger chuckle lightly to themselves at this.)

ROGER: Fine, I'll take the dog.  Bertha, did I tell you how I ran into Dr. Malevolence the other day?

BERTHA: No, you did not.  And I don't know why you would tell me that, honestly Roger, you know most husbands don't like their wives talking about old boyfriends, I'd swear you enjoy hearing about our time together.  He broke my heart, you know.

ROGER: Was that a question?

BERTHA:  Definitely not.   ....Fine, what did Dr. Malevolence have to say?  And how annoying is it that he keeps the "Dr." in front of his name??  It's not like he's practicing.

ROGER: Well, he is practicing....

BOTH AT THE SAME TIME: .....evil.

THE ADVENTURES OF ROGER AND BERTHA Part 1

A married couple, ROGER and BERTHA are sitting around in the living room.

ROGER:  What's on the tube tonight?

BERTHA:(looks up from her newspaper): Hmm?

ROGER: Christmas.  WHAT'S ON TV??

BERTHA: Right now?  I don't know, why don't you read a book?

ROGER: Because I don't want to.  I'd rather see if the Count is on.

BERTHA: This again?

ROGER: What?  He's hilarious.  Always countin' stuff.

BERTHA: You have a PhD in physics you know.

ROGER: Your point being?

BERTHA: My point being, you already know how to count.

ROGER: You don't know that.

BERTHA: Roger, how could you possibly get a PhD in physics if you don't know how to count?

ROGER: Your name is Bertha, what do you know.

BERTHA: I know not to put my hand inside a live Triceratops beak.

ROGER: He was HUNGRY!!  You would have done the same had you been there!

BERTHA: Well, thankfully for all of us, I wasn't.  Lord knows I hate those things.

ROGER: Yeah yeah, you and your horns.

BERTHA: I find them to be very off-putting.  They're quite pointy you know.

(ROGER gets up and puts on his jet pack.): Do you want anything?  I'm going to the market.

BERTHA: Sure, lemonade sounds good.

(ROGER blasts off)

BERTHA: Him and his Count.  That man.  (goes back to reading the paper)  Lookit that, Daisy Dukes are on sale down at the General Goods Depot.
(half a minute goes by)
(ROGER comes crashing through the roof.)
ROGER: Got your lemonade! (dusting himself off)

BERTHA: Thanks darling.  (opens it and takes a sip)  Hmm.  Extra phosphorus in this batch.

ROGER: Yeah, Earl had them all marked down, he must've ordered an extra shipment.

BERTHA: Roger, I think I'm pregnant.  (BERTHA puts down her lemonade which promptly bursts into flames, then explodes.)

I Hope He Was at Least Put in Bro Jail

I think it's time for a little Q&A!

Q: Why?
A: Because I don't feel like writing a whole blog about the jerk who tried to drive OVER me today on the freeway.

Q: Oh no, a jerk!  Tell us what happened.
A: Well!  I was going 80 in the fast lane (unless my Mom is reading this then I was going 65) and this brute in a giant SUV decided to drive within inches of my bumper, flash his lights and honk his horn.

Q: That's terrible.  What did you do?
A: I kept going 80!  The whole thing was pretty ridiculous.  Unless he was trying to warn me of a giant bee in my backseat like in that FarSide cartoon.

Q: That's probably what he was doing.
A: What?  How dare you.  And that's not even a question.

Q: You're right?
A: Yes I'm right.

Q: No, I was just saying that you were right, but phrasing it in the form of a question so you wouldn't yell or drive like a Grandma in the fast lane on me.  So tell us: what happened after you caused this poor guy to be multiple seconds late to wherever he was going?
A: Well after about a minute of gating my tail, he drove around me, got in front of me, then slammed on HIS breaks before speeding off into the sunset.  And by "sunset" I mean: "hopefully county jail".