Inspired by me Remarking to the Entire Office Today How I Couldn't Believe it Was Already October

I have relatives, an office job, and a social life.  This means I encounter a lot of small talk.  Which is fine, most of the time I enjoy talking to people.  But some days you just don't feel like speaking to anyone.  Like days when it's cloudy.  So I thought it would be useful to come up with responses to some standard prompts for small talk.  If you've ever had enough, go ahead and feel free to use one, guaranteed to make sure the person initiating the small talk never makes the mistake of trying to be mildly friendly to you again!

Comment: It is freezing outside!
Response: Yes, but it's burning up INside...(as you slowly point to your heart)

C: Did you see (NAME OF REALITY SHOW) last night?
R: I did.  But define reality.  Is this real?

C: How was your Christmas?
R: Sweaty.

C: Can you believe how HOT it is today?
R: No, and neither can Horace!

C: Have I shown you this picture yet?
R: No, have I shown you my Dorito collection yet?

C: Hi!  How is your mother?
R: Wonderful.  She's probably at home right now, watching her stories.  ...I'm sorry, I meant to say she's probably in her grave right now, watching the roof of her coffin.  ...No, I misspoke, how terrible of me to say!  She's not watching anything, she's dead.

C: I just put some coffee on the pot if you'd like some.
R: A quark is an elementary particle and a fundamental constituent of matter.  Quarks combine to form composite particles called hadrons, the most stable of which are protons and neutrons, the components of atomic nuclei.  Due to a phenomenon known as color confinement, quarks are never found in isolation; they can only be found within hadrons.  For this reason, much of what is known about quarks has been drawn from observations of the hadrons themselves.

C: How about that game?
R: The only game I play is Balderdash.  It's hilarious.  It's outrageous.  It's pure Balderdash!

C: Can you believe how fast today has gone?
R: (stunned) ....I'LL GET IT BACK!!  (and then bolt for the door)

C: How are you today?
R: