Guide to Interacting with NFL Fans at a Game

It's Sunday, so why not another football blog!


A) The Typical Fan
This person is at the game because they want to see their team live, and want to cheer them on- make some crowd noise and disrupt the other team, see all the things the cameras don't pick up.  They can usually be seen wearing a replica jersey of their favorite player, and headgear with the teams logo on it.  They are interested in a good game, booing and cheering appropriately, and are typically friendly.  Feel free to engage this person in conversation, they may even politely teach you a thing or two about the game should you require some future schooling as to the players or rules of the game.

B) The Casual Fan
This person enjoys going to a game, but normally wouldn't make a point of it.  They like the team when they win, know a couple players, check the scores the next day, and know enough to talk shop when necessary in business or social situations.  This person is what a lot of the other fans refer to as "dead weight"- in crucial moments of the game, they can often be seen, but not heard, partially nullifying the point of going to the game.  Team gear is borrowed or still has a price tag on it 85% of the time.  This person is wonderful to have around during blowouts, but can be easily distracted, which angers our next game attendant:

C) The Die-Hard
Much like Bruce Willis, this fan can often be heard yelling some variation of Mother + the F word.  They become visibly angry when things don't go right on the field- at everyone.  The players, the coaches, the opposing teams' players and coaches, and ESPECIALLY other fans.  It's always someone else's fault- for not cheering enough, for wearing the other teams' jersey, or for jinxing the team by wearing the away jersey to a home game.  They are constantly trying to lead cheers and always will be the last person awkwardly participating in chants, well after the rest of the crowd has stopped.  This person should be avoided unless the game is going wonderfully for their team, and even then, proceed with caution, because any incorrect information about the team is taken personally as you are not worthy of calling yourself a fan of team X should you not be able to name their right guard and 3rd-down back.  After a tough loss, run the other way.  Projectiles are commonly seen from the Die-Hard's area of occupancy.

D) The Drunk
Easily confused with the Die-Hard at first, due to their apparent passion for the team, it takes only about a quarter of play before it's obvious the only game this person is interested in watching is the "See how much time you can spend away from your seat in the bathroom or beer line" award.  They also contain some know-it-all qualities of the die-hard, just without the correctness.  Avoid at all costs- this person has no knowledge of social cues to end an interaction and will keep talking about a player the team hasn't had for years as if they just scored minutes ago.  They also have no knowledge of physical space or the volume of their voice, so keep your distance if possible.

E) The Idiot
The Idiot is at the game to get into a fight, because clearly anyone who doesn't root for the same local team as you must be a member of the Al-Quida-Communists.  Either that, or they realize their manhood (as they are typically male) isn't fully realized unless they are throwing blows over a remark about the lack of success their team had or is having.  They can be seen blocking the game from view from other fans, slinging vulgar and incorrect sports related insults, and acting much the way they think a WWE bad guy should act.  When in fact they're not getting paid, and are probably only acting like they want to fight over a game because they know nothing about what's going on and would be incredibly bored if they were paying attention to it.  Avoid eye contact with this person, much as you would a rabid hippopotamus.

F) The Babe
Some women like to show-off.  What better place than a football game?  Their knowledge of the game usually ends at the fact that there is a game.  Gentlemen who may be interested in this sort of thing, don't even bother, they tend to run in packs (much like the Banshee) or with overprotective Idiots.

G)The Drunk Idiot Pseudo-Babe
Any football fans' worst nightmare.  They feel the need to cheer the loudest, sing songs that aren't being played the loudest, and ask the absolute worst questions at the worst possible time.  So unless you're interested in letting them know where the nearest yogurt shop is during 4th and goal with 15 seconds left, absolutely avoid them like the plague.

and finally,

H) The Baby Fan
Easily the best way to get on the jumbotron.  Find a baby wearing the home team's logo, then enjoy your 1.9 seconds of fame.