Maybe we should rename the days of the week. They don't really make any sense as it is. With "day" at the end of them, they should be days of something. Like Labor Day or New Year's Day. But there's no such thing as a Wednes or a Tues, and I've certainly never figured out why it's a day of Mon.
So I propose the following changes, although I am highly receptive to input, this can be a collaborative effort.
Monday will now be Suckday. For obvious reasons.
Tuesday will now be known as Worstday, because while Wednesday typically gets a bad rap, I find Tuesday as the hardest day to get through, it's the furthest from the weekend without being a Monday, and nothing ever happens on Tuesdays. Except Tacos. So Tacoday could also be a possibility here.
Wednesday will now be known as Middleday. I refuse to call anything "Hump" except those good for nothing whales.
Thursday will now be known as Comedyday. When I was growing up the Simpsons were on Thursdays, so was Seinfeld, and more recently the Office and 30 Rock. What? YOU watched too much TV!
Friday will now be known as Outday. It's the best day to go out. Also I guess if you wanted to admit you were gay this would be the new day to do it.
Saturday will now be known as Yourday, although Myday is also a possibility here. That's the day you do your own stuff.
Sunday will now be known as Dreadday, since it's common to live the day with a feeling of dread from the impending work week ahead or Choreday or Footballday, I can't quite decide. Maybe we can call it Dreadoreballday. Because that makes more sense than Sunday.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The Dead Zone
Nothing is ever going on around this time of year. December 28th-30th are the ashen land on the otherwise fruitful soil that is our year. Nobody can decide whether or not they're working until the last minute when they decide they're not- or they come in and give a half-hearted "well....I'm here...." effort at work and then end up leaving a couple hours after lunch, the streets are practically abandoned, there's no holidays to celebrate, all the relatives have left, TV and radio are all in reruns, the new holiday movies have already come out, the sales were the days immediately after Christmas.....ladies and gentlemen and genetically altered intelligent dogs, I give you.....The Dead Zone.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Valley Village Represent
I would like to propose a rule change. People who say they are from "L.A." can only say that if they actually live in the city of Los Angeles. Let's just cut out a step so I'm not asking, "Oh, which part?" Instead you would say "Where are you from?" "Santa Monica". Same goes for you, people in Escondido that say they're from San Diego or people from Palo Alto who say they're from "The Bay Area". I know, you're assuming people don't know exactly where that is, so you'd rather give a broad answer, but how do you think they're going to know where you live if you keep substituting your fine city for a larger area?
I like Cool Ranch Doritos. I don't know what they're doing to make that ranch so darn cool, but I would like to visit there and eat the Doritos right out of the ground.
I like Cool Ranch Doritos. I don't know what they're doing to make that ranch so darn cool, but I would like to visit there and eat the Doritos right out of the ground.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
We Can Make the Song Way Catchier Too
"Happy birthday!"
A nice thing to wish someone. It makes sense to wish a person a happy birthday. However, I do sort of think we're going about this the wrong way. At least for myself. As far as I can tell, the best reason for wishing someone a happy birthday is, as the old Jerry Seinfeld bit goes "they've made another trip around the Sun, all you did was not die for twelve months!" I agree. So I would like to have anyone who should encounter me on my birthday say "Way to not die." While largely out of our control, I think that's quite an accomplishment. Rather than just wishing happiness upon me for one day, which really seems quite arbitrary, I'd rather be congratulated on all my hard work. I looked both ways when I crossed the street, did NOT go hunting with my festive Christmas Rudolph antlers on, and refrained from drinking a bleach and comet cocktail. I've also managed to enjoy many scenic views without a single slip, stumble, or plummet. Not bad if you ask me. Should you also prefer a "Way to not die!" over a "Happy birthday!", please let me know and I shall gladly accommodate you. On a related note, I am not sure if feeding one a buttery, sugar filled cake is a good way to send them on another year's journey away from death.
A nice thing to wish someone. It makes sense to wish a person a happy birthday. However, I do sort of think we're going about this the wrong way. At least for myself. As far as I can tell, the best reason for wishing someone a happy birthday is, as the old Jerry Seinfeld bit goes "they've made another trip around the Sun, all you did was not die for twelve months!" I agree. So I would like to have anyone who should encounter me on my birthday say "Way to not die." While largely out of our control, I think that's quite an accomplishment. Rather than just wishing happiness upon me for one day, which really seems quite arbitrary, I'd rather be congratulated on all my hard work. I looked both ways when I crossed the street, did NOT go hunting with my festive Christmas Rudolph antlers on, and refrained from drinking a bleach and comet cocktail. I've also managed to enjoy many scenic views without a single slip, stumble, or plummet. Not bad if you ask me. Should you also prefer a "Way to not die!" over a "Happy birthday!", please let me know and I shall gladly accommodate you. On a related note, I am not sure if feeding one a buttery, sugar filled cake is a good way to send them on another year's journey away from death.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
It Was the Night Before Christmas (look how modern it is now)
Twas' the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, except for my Dad, and my brother, and I was of course, I'm writing this- I bet there were some bugs moving around, and for sure there were some microscopic mites, I don't know if you'd count single-cell organisms, amoebas and what not, but those were stirring too.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
and by "hung by the chimney" I mean "still in a box in the attic", and by "with care" I mean "they were thrown in"
The children my mom were was nestled all snug in their her beds
While visions of sugar-plums danced intheir her heads. ...Yeah, that actually sounds about right.
And ma in her kerchief and I in my cap
had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Is this guy calling his wife "ma"? And "going to sleep" a "nap"? How old is this thing? I'm definitely never calling my wife "mother", creepy! She will probably wear a kerchief to bed though.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Because Santa was landing on the lawn and not the roof for some reason.
Now what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a normal sized sleigh and eight normal sized reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it wasn't Santa, because Santa is big and fat.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
And I have no idea what a courser is.
"Now DASHER! Now DANCER! Now PRANCER and VIXEN! On COMET on CUPID! On DONNER and BLITZEN!"
They all must get really tired of hearing that. It's like "we get it Santa, OK? Look, we're flying already. You don't need to shout our names at every house we land at."
"To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
...just go to the roof like we should have in the first place, thanks guys."
And then in a twinkling (which is a measurement of time apparently) I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each normal sized hoof.
As I drew in my head and was turning around
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
I wonder if the other Saints get pissed that some of them did stuff like die in burning flames or feed the hungry and poor while other ones just played the flute and had snakes follow him or gave out toys and they're even more famous.
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot...but not all in fur, just around his sleeves and on his hat. And I'm not even really sure that's fur...polar bear fur?
And his clothes were all covered with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had hung on his back,
And he looked just like a peddler, opening his sack.
OK, don't know why we needed to know that last detail, but moving on....
His eyes how they twinkled (again with the twinkling?) his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses...well, like the color of roses, that would be weird
His nose, like a cherry! See above.
His droll normal sized mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.
The beard on his elbow was sort of a powder blue though, which really creeped me out.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath
"Santa" I said. "That stuff will kill you man." He just shrugged and kept going.
He had a broad face and a round little belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
So it wasn't really that little. And what the heck is he laughing at? How filthy he is and the disgusting pipe-smoke smell he's leaving in my parents' living room?
He was cubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself! Because I was really confused that he was an elf. I always thought he was a human, so it was one of those things where you're so stunned you can't help but laugh- it wasn't funny or anything, but that was just the reaction I had. I knew he probably got that a lot though, so I tried to bite my lip. No dice though.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon let me know there was nothing to dread.
Also, he's Santa.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Which made it a little awkward. So I was like "Hey Santa, what'd you bring me?" and he held out a wooden train. So I said "Umm...you know I'm in my late 20s, right? How about that PS3 I asked for?" And Santa said "Dude, you're kind of a jerk."
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
And laying my finger inside of my nose, I went upstairs.
He sprang to his sleigh, gave his team a whistle,
And away they all flew like an outdated reference that rhymes with whistle.
And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
...which I heard him do 10 more times as he finished the rest of the street...except for the Jewish kids.
Merry Christmas everybody!!!
not a creature was stirring, except for my Dad, and my brother, and I was of course, I'm writing this- I bet there were some bugs moving around, and for sure there were some microscopic mites, I don't know if you'd count single-cell organisms, amoebas and what not, but those were stirring too.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
and by "hung by the chimney" I mean "still in a box in the attic", and by "with care" I mean "they were thrown in"
While visions of sugar-plums danced in
And ma in her kerchief and I in my cap
had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Is this guy calling his wife "ma"? And "going to sleep" a "nap"? How old is this thing? I'm definitely never calling my wife "mother", creepy! She will probably wear a kerchief to bed though.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Because Santa was landing on the lawn and not the roof for some reason.
Now what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a normal sized sleigh and eight normal sized reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it wasn't Santa, because Santa is big and fat.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
And I have no idea what a courser is.
"Now DASHER! Now DANCER! Now PRANCER and VIXEN! On COMET on CUPID! On DONNER and BLITZEN!"
They all must get really tired of hearing that. It's like "we get it Santa, OK? Look, we're flying already. You don't need to shout our names at every house we land at."
"To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
...just go to the roof like we should have in the first place, thanks guys."
And then in a twinkling (which is a measurement of time apparently) I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each normal sized hoof.
As I drew in my head and was turning around
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
I wonder if the other Saints get pissed that some of them did stuff like die in burning flames or feed the hungry and poor while other ones just played the flute and had snakes follow him or gave out toys and they're even more famous.
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot...but not all in fur, just around his sleeves and on his hat. And I'm not even really sure that's fur...polar bear fur?
And his clothes were all covered with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had hung on his back,
And he looked just like a peddler, opening his sack.
OK, don't know why we needed to know that last detail, but moving on....
His eyes how they twinkled (again with the twinkling?) his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses...well, like the color of roses, that would be weird
His nose, like a cherry! See above.
His droll normal sized mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.
The beard on his elbow was sort of a powder blue though, which really creeped me out.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath
"Santa" I said. "That stuff will kill you man." He just shrugged and kept going.
He had a broad face and a round little belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
So it wasn't really that little. And what the heck is he laughing at? How filthy he is and the disgusting pipe-smoke smell he's leaving in my parents' living room?
He was cubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself! Because I was really confused that he was an elf. I always thought he was a human, so it was one of those things where you're so stunned you can't help but laugh- it wasn't funny or anything, but that was just the reaction I had. I knew he probably got that a lot though, so I tried to bite my lip. No dice though.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon let me know there was nothing to dread.
Also, he's Santa.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Which made it a little awkward. So I was like "Hey Santa, what'd you bring me?" and he held out a wooden train. So I said "Umm...you know I'm in my late 20s, right? How about that PS3 I asked for?" And Santa said "Dude, you're kind of a jerk."
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
And laying my finger inside of my nose, I went upstairs.
He sprang to his sleigh, gave his team a whistle,
And away they all flew like an outdated reference that rhymes with whistle.
And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
...which I heard him do 10 more times as he finished the rest of the street...except for the Jewish kids.
Merry Christmas everybody!!!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
TOP TEN POSSIBLE NEW NAMES FOR CHRISTMAS
10. Ham Day
9. Insincere Thank-You-oween
8. Awkward Small Talk with Old Relatives Day
7. Santaland
6. Christmas Eve II: The Revenge
5. MasChrist (spanish speaking countries only)
4. Christmas....brought to you by Bud Light! The sure sign of a good time!
3. Rickey Henderson's Birthday!
2. Suck on a Candy Cane Until it Gets Really Sharp and Then Accidentally Stab Yourself in the Tongue Day
1. Flag Day!
9. Insincere Thank-You-oween
8. Awkward Small Talk with Old Relatives Day
7. Santaland
6. Christmas Eve II: The Revenge
5. MasChrist (spanish speaking countries only)
4. Christmas....brought to you by Bud Light! The sure sign of a good time!
3. Rickey Henderson's Birthday!
2. Suck on a Candy Cane Until it Gets Really Sharp and Then Accidentally Stab Yourself in the Tongue Day
1. Flag Day!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Rain Dear
Children!!
I know most of you aren't in school right now, what with Christmas break and all, but I wanted to give you an early Christmas present- a report you can give your teacher the day you go back! I'm sure it will be great for extra credit.
I've written an entire report on all the names of Santa's reindeer!
Just hit "print" on the top of this page, and you'll be guaranteed an A for the rest of your life.
The following is all fact:
SANTA'S REINDEER: A Biopic.
Dasher
Santa's first reindeer. He's the leader of the group, and also the fastest of all reindeer. Hence the name "Dasher". Dasher is stoic and is usually the last of the group to get a joke.
Dancer
Dancer came out of his momma doing disco moves, Santa couldn't help but laugh at the little guy, and although he fought his parents his entire life, he currently is one of Santa's flying reindeer, although he still dances on the side at the community theatre.
Prancer
Prancer is kind of like a worse version of Dancer.
Vixen
The only female of Santa's group, she's very feminine, but also can hang with the boys. A four-time "Miss North Pole" runner up, Vixen has taken the breath away from animals world wide with her smoking hot looks, but she's also very well-read, and is currently reading David Sedaris' newest.
Comet
A challenger for the title of "fastest reindeer", Comet can blister the night sky on his own, but his form needs some work. He has all the talent in the world, but his skills are still very raw. Comet's favorite food is spaghetti.
Cupid
It's a little known fact that for three weeks in-between January and February in 1936, Santa was going to have to take over Valentine's day for medical reasons. Everything turned out ok in the end, but Cupid was named because that year is when Santa adopted him! Cupid plays a mean trombone.
Donner
Donner is always mad because his name is the stupidest. Nobody really likes him, not even me.
Blitzen
Blitzen is the big football fan of the group, he never misses a game. He's had season tickets to the Atlanta Falcons for 27 years, and his dream is to see them play a playoff game at Lambeau field in the snow.
Rudolph is made up, but we all like his claymation show.
I know most of you aren't in school right now, what with Christmas break and all, but I wanted to give you an early Christmas present- a report you can give your teacher the day you go back! I'm sure it will be great for extra credit.
I've written an entire report on all the names of Santa's reindeer!
Just hit "print" on the top of this page, and you'll be guaranteed an A for the rest of your life.
The following is all fact:
SANTA'S REINDEER: A Biopic.
Dasher
Santa's first reindeer. He's the leader of the group, and also the fastest of all reindeer. Hence the name "Dasher". Dasher is stoic and is usually the last of the group to get a joke.
Dancer
Dancer came out of his momma doing disco moves, Santa couldn't help but laugh at the little guy, and although he fought his parents his entire life, he currently is one of Santa's flying reindeer, although he still dances on the side at the community theatre.
Prancer
Prancer is kind of like a worse version of Dancer.
Vixen
The only female of Santa's group, she's very feminine, but also can hang with the boys. A four-time "Miss North Pole" runner up, Vixen has taken the breath away from animals world wide with her smoking hot looks, but she's also very well-read, and is currently reading David Sedaris' newest.
Comet
A challenger for the title of "fastest reindeer", Comet can blister the night sky on his own, but his form needs some work. He has all the talent in the world, but his skills are still very raw. Comet's favorite food is spaghetti.
Cupid
It's a little known fact that for three weeks in-between January and February in 1936, Santa was going to have to take over Valentine's day for medical reasons. Everything turned out ok in the end, but Cupid was named because that year is when Santa adopted him! Cupid plays a mean trombone.
Donner
Donner is always mad because his name is the stupidest. Nobody really likes him, not even me.
Blitzen
Blitzen is the big football fan of the group, he never misses a game. He's had season tickets to the Atlanta Falcons for 27 years, and his dream is to see them play a playoff game at Lambeau field in the snow.
Rudolph is made up, but we all like his claymation show.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Thrice Upon O'Clock
Once upon a time ......
.......what? Once upon a time? What does that even mean? One time? Just say that, what is this "upon" how can you even be "upon a time"? I also am not a fan of the phrase "o'clock" "Seven of clock?"
I was going to write a fake fairy tale, but Bullwinkle already did that way better than I ever could, and then I got stuck on the phrase "Once upon a time", I'm also really thirsty. Let's hear it for refreshing water, and for Subway sandwiches, eat fresh!
.......what? Once upon a time? What does that even mean? One time? Just say that, what is this "upon" how can you even be "upon a time"? I also am not a fan of the phrase "o'clock" "Seven of clock?"
I was going to write a fake fairy tale, but Bullwinkle already did that way better than I ever could, and then I got stuck on the phrase "Once upon a time", I'm also really thirsty. Let's hear it for refreshing water, and for Subway sandwiches, eat fresh!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
You're Next Superman..."Fortress of Solitude"? Not Anymore!
Batman has really nice teeth. You wouldn't think so, with the fighting and all, but he does. So does the Joker. They sure fight a lot. I'm surprised both of them aren't missing teeth. Maybe they had implants put in. If they did, that wouldn't be a very interesting episode, movie, or comic. Which is why I think they should do a radio broadcast. They can also talk about what kind of food they eat, and where they get their clothes made. I also would like to have the fact that no satellites have discovered where Batman flies his plane, boat, and car out of explained. They probably attract a lot of attention. A quick Google maps search of "batcave" proved to give no results, but it did direct me to a Toys backwards R Us in Joplin Missouri.
Also, apparently after further review, there IS a batcave. It's in Henderson, North Carolina.
Of course! Right next to the Old Cider Mill and Applesolutely gift shop! Gotham. Psssh. Nice try Wayne, you sly dog. Riddler, you can thank me later.
Seriously though, "Applesolutely"? Is that supposed to be like absolutely? Not close enough.
Also, apparently after further review, there IS a batcave. It's in Henderson, North Carolina.
Of course! Right next to the Old Cider Mill and Applesolutely gift shop! Gotham. Psssh. Nice try Wayne, you sly dog. Riddler, you can thank me later.
Seriously though, "Applesolutely"? Is that supposed to be like absolutely? Not close enough.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Late Tonight with Wonderblog! The Highly Rated Blog of Choice
Hi there, hello! How's everybody doing tonight?
Let's see what's going on in the news:
TSA has decided to pat down customers and violate them!
It is perverted.
Former President George W. Bush is in the news!
He is considered to be stupid.
Former President Bill Clinton did something!
He is unfaithful to his wife.
Something happened with marijuana!
And it made everyone lazy and/or hungry.
_____ form the reality TV show ____ did _____!
They are pathetic, untalented, and we are better than them.
Those republicans are at it again!
They can be very closed minded.
Those democrats are at it again!
They did not get something mundane done that an every day person could.
Those liberals are at it again!
Example of taking something to an extreme.
A fast food company came out with a new product!
Fatty foods make people fat and cause heart attacks.
Larry King!
Is old.
Oprah!
Is powerful.
Local losing sports team made news!
They lose all the time, here is an extreme scenario.
We've got a great show tonight, Dave Coulier is here, with musical guest, Squirrel Nut Zippers!
Stick around, we'll be right back.
Let's see what's going on in the news:
TSA has decided to pat down customers and violate them!
It is perverted.
Former President George W. Bush is in the news!
He is considered to be stupid.
Former President Bill Clinton did something!
He is unfaithful to his wife.
Something happened with marijuana!
And it made everyone lazy and/or hungry.
_____ form the reality TV show ____ did _____!
They are pathetic, untalented, and we are better than them.
Those republicans are at it again!
They can be very closed minded.
Those democrats are at it again!
They did not get something mundane done that an every day person could.
Those liberals are at it again!
Example of taking something to an extreme.
A fast food company came out with a new product!
Fatty foods make people fat and cause heart attacks.
Larry King!
Is old.
Oprah!
Is powerful.
Local losing sports team made news!
They lose all the time, here is an extreme scenario.
We've got a great show tonight, Dave Coulier is here, with musical guest, Squirrel Nut Zippers!
Stick around, we'll be right back.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Q
Hey! Q! I gotta beef.
Demanding the presence of a "U", how self-important is that? Let U be its own letter! Ya big fatty.
And look, the other letters that get their own words, they're nice and simple. "a" (A) or "oh" (O) or even "see". (C) But you. You and your "Queue". What is that? It'd probably be just fine as "Que" (not to be confused with spanish) but you have to double your pleasure, don't you? AND have another word that's you, "cue". That also means two things! Greedy gus. All you are is an O and a G's misfigured child. Try getting your own identity, backwards lower case P jerk.
You know what I have to say to that? Your words you get when we're teaching kids the alphabet suck. Quilt? Queen? Quiet? BO-RING! I bet you wish you had Alligator or Xylophone or Mechagodzilla. But you don't. Quiz. I'm glad you're associated with mostly crappy things. Serves you right, ya dope.
I think it's all born out of insecurity. I know you'd never admit it, but I can tell you realize what's up. We could easily replace you with K's and W's together or even the occasional C or K on their own. So you just have to make yourself feel important. I for one am not buying it.
Demanding the presence of a "U", how self-important is that? Let U be its own letter! Ya big fatty.
And look, the other letters that get their own words, they're nice and simple. "a" (A) or "oh" (O) or even "see". (C) But you. You and your "Queue". What is that? It'd probably be just fine as "Que" (not to be confused with spanish) but you have to double your pleasure, don't you? AND have another word that's you, "cue". That also means two things! Greedy gus. All you are is an O and a G's misfigured child. Try getting your own identity, backwards lower case P jerk.
You know what I have to say to that? Your words you get when we're teaching kids the alphabet suck. Quilt? Queen? Quiet? BO-RING! I bet you wish you had Alligator or Xylophone or Mechagodzilla. But you don't. Quiz. I'm glad you're associated with mostly crappy things. Serves you right, ya dope.
I think it's all born out of insecurity. I know you'd never admit it, but I can tell you realize what's up. We could easily replace you with K's and W's together or even the occasional C or K on their own. So you just have to make yourself feel important. I for one am not buying it.
 |
| Photographic evidence that only jerks like the letter Q. |
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Showered With Confusion
Normally, I use this blog as a means to attempt amusing my multiple fans out there*, but tonight, I have a serious matter to attend to. Again, let me clarify. Serious. That's right, underline serious.
I was making my skin and hair smell nice today in a nice leisurely shower, one you take after a long day and a Subway sandwich. The kind where you ponder life's twists and turns as the warmth of the cleanliness cocoon relaxes every muscle in your body, where you think about what more you can do right and where along the way you went wrong as each stream from the showerhead gently massages your body and soul. I realized after a good five to ten minutes of ruminating on life and the human existence that it was probably time to get this show on the road, lest my skin become dried out and uncomfortable to live in. So on to the first step of cleaning- the shampoo. But wait! Had I already used the shampoo? My hair sort of feels clean...it smells kinda soapy, but that could just be from the soap that resides in the shower.
Usually, I leave nothing to chance and just wash my hair again anyway, this is a 50/50 shot of choosing.........wisely.** When you're wrong and you've already washed your hair but somehow forgotten, it's terrible. It's like rubbing butter on a bowl of spaghetti with your hands. (ladies...I did not just compare my hair to spaghetti) What I really want to know is, does this happen to anyone else out there? Am I completely alone in this and have a minor mental deficiency? Please, let me know. Seriously, I'm curious. Or showing signs of dementia.
I was making my skin and hair smell nice today in a nice leisurely shower, one you take after a long day and a Subway sandwich. The kind where you ponder life's twists and turns as the warmth of the cleanliness cocoon relaxes every muscle in your body, where you think about what more you can do right and where along the way you went wrong as each stream from the showerhead gently massages your body and soul. I realized after a good five to ten minutes of ruminating on life and the human existence that it was probably time to get this show on the road, lest my skin become dried out and uncomfortable to live in. So on to the first step of cleaning- the shampoo. But wait! Had I already used the shampoo? My hair sort of feels clean...it smells kinda soapy, but that could just be from the soap that resides in the shower.
Usually, I leave nothing to chance and just wash my hair again anyway, this is a 50/50 shot of choosing.........wisely.** When you're wrong and you've already washed your hair but somehow forgotten, it's terrible. It's like rubbing butter on a bowl of spaghetti with your hands. (ladies...I did not just compare my hair to spaghetti) What I really want to know is, does this happen to anyone else out there? Am I completely alone in this and have a minor mental deficiency? Please, let me know. Seriously, I'm curious. Or showing signs of dementia.
*The numbers being multiplied are 1, and 2
**
Monday, December 13, 2010
Pyotr = Peter?
Last night I saw the movie "Black Swan", a movie that probably had Tchaikovsky spinning in his grave....because he was doing fist pumps so hard he liked it so much. I told my Mom I liked it a lot, and she said she'd rather watch a movie about the ballet that was nice, that didn't have eating disorders and drugs and pain, she'd rather just watch the nice dancing. I told her that's what the actual ballet is for.
Speaking of Tchaikovsky, I really do wonder how greats like him would feel about how their work is being used in the 21st century. Would he enjoy it? Would he just shake his head? How would Leonard Da Vinci feel about the Dan Brown novels? Well, instead of just taking up this space with conjecture, I thought we'd ask old Tchaikovsky himself! Straight from the horse's (humans) mouth.
The following is a transcript.
ME: Mr. Tchaikovsky, thank you so much for being here to answer my questions.
TCHAIKOVSKY: Oh, please, call me Peter.
ME: No problem Peter. Wow, your English is amazing.
TCHAIKOVSKY: Yes, well, it's all thanks to the power of a fake blog post.
ME: Indeed. So- have you gotten a chance to see Black Swan yet?
TCHAIKOVSKY: No, not yet.
ME: Oh. Well, that sort of defeats the purpose of you coming here, don't you think?
TCHAIKOVSKY: I guess so, but you could just write this again at a later date when I have seen it, or we could lie and say that I've see it. I mean, you've seen the movie, right?
ME: Yeah...but,
TCHAIKOVSKY: So just make up some stuff for me to say.
ME: Eh, that's kind of dishonest, I don't really like my blog to be known for mislead-
TCHAIKOVSKY: ok ok, it was just an idea.
ME: .....So.....what should we talk about then?
TCHAIKOVSKY: I dunno.
ME: Right. Well, have-
TCHAIKOVSKY: Oh, I saw that Toy Story movie!
ME: Well, I don't know if that's really relevant, you're a classical-
TCHAIKOVSKY: Those toys! Ha! And that one, that "Buzz Lightman" or whatever his name was, what a cutup.
ME: Yeah, they were pretty decent, what did you think of the animation?
TCHAIKOVSKY: Or we could talk about that In N Out burger, no wonder you Americans are all so fat!
ME: Yes. So the 1812 overture, what inspired you to write such a powerful piece of music?
TCHAIKOVSKY: Eh. Nothing really, I just had to make some money, so I threw that together. Thought some cannons would be cool.
ME: That's it?
TCHAIKOVSKY: That's it.
ME: That's kind of disappointing.
TCHAIKOVSKY: Yeah. It was your idea to bring me here.
ME: Well, what about the Nutcracker?
TCHAIKOVSKY: So wait- are they making any more of those Toy Story movies? I only saw the one, but it was part 2. That means there was a first one.
ME: Right. There was one before that, and they just came out with a 3rd.
TCHAIKOVSKY: How were those ones?
ME: Pretty good. I mean, once you've seen one, you've sort of seen them all. But really, I'm surprised you liked it so much, I'm sure you didn't understand most of the toy references, and that's half the fun of the movies.
TCHAIKOVSKY: It's a children's movie. Half the jokes are about someone getting hit on the head.
ME: So let's talk about some modern music. What do you think of Lady Gaga?
TCHAIKOVSKY: Eh. Some of the songs were pretty catchy. That poker face one. She seems pretty weird though.
ME: Yeah.
TCHAIKOVSKY: This interview kind of sucks, huh?
ME: A little bit.
TCHAIKOVSKY: Sorry about that.
ME: It happens.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
TOP TEN DISCOVERIES MADE BY THE NEWLY SINGLE MAN
10. Belts are for the birds!*
9. "Cooking" involves pulling the lid off of a can of tuna to dip crackers.
8. Dinner consists of exactly the same thing and half a glass of orange juice.
7. Cleaning is forbidden.
6. Around the house, pants optional.
5. Everyone in the room likes whistling if you're the only one in the room.
4. Movies are much cheaper when you're only buying one ticket! ...unless they're in worthless "3D" that adds nothing to the movie.
3. More oxygen and less carbon dioxide around equates to a much more pleasurable breathing experience.
2. Now no one will know that you love watching the Westminster Dog Show.
1. The crippling loneliness!
*Figuratively.....but can you IMAGINE?? My heavens.
9. "Cooking" involves pulling the lid off of a can of tuna to dip crackers.
8. Dinner consists of exactly the same thing and half a glass of orange juice.
7. Cleaning is forbidden.
6. Around the house, pants optional.
5. Everyone in the room likes whistling if you're the only one in the room.
4. Movies are much cheaper when you're only buying one ticket! ...unless they're in worthless "3D" that adds nothing to the movie.
3. More oxygen and less carbon dioxide around equates to a much more pleasurable breathing experience.
2. Now no one will know that you love watching the Westminster Dog Show.
1. The crippling loneliness!
*Figuratively.....but can you IMAGINE?? My heavens.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Christmas Wishes
I'm so excited for this Christmas season. I've been a very good little boy this year, I haven't misbehaved once in Mrs. Hammershots class. Adam threw his Chips Ahoy cookies at me, but I didn't do one thing back. I didn't even tell Mrs. Hammershot. I just went back to adding my maths together.
And when I'm at home, I always help my sister, and my Mom, and my Dad who I all love very much. I helped my Mom with the Gingerbread men, and Dad hanging the lights on the tree, and I even helped my big sister shop for a present for her friend Anne.
I imagine tip-toing down the stairs on Christmas morning, the living room still fresh with the smell of the last bit of fire we had in the fireplace last night. I'll run to my stocking once I get down to the carpet, because it doesn't make as much noise as our wooden stairs do, and I'll pull out a new Videogame, the one with Super Mario and Donkey Kong in it, and I'll look over at the tree and be so happy. Because I'll know that my family all got the presents they wanted so very much to. I'll dive into the area with my big present, because I'll know what's there. A brand new bicycle and a new electronic keyboard. I'll hold them as closely to me as I can until my parents get downstairs, and then I'll give them the biggest hugs that anyone could ever give anyone else.
At least that's what I imagine I would do if I lived in a country that celebrated Christmas and didn't have to spend the day making cheap imitation women's wallets.
And when I'm at home, I always help my sister, and my Mom, and my Dad who I all love very much. I helped my Mom with the Gingerbread men, and Dad hanging the lights on the tree, and I even helped my big sister shop for a present for her friend Anne.
I imagine tip-toing down the stairs on Christmas morning, the living room still fresh with the smell of the last bit of fire we had in the fireplace last night. I'll run to my stocking once I get down to the carpet, because it doesn't make as much noise as our wooden stairs do, and I'll pull out a new Videogame, the one with Super Mario and Donkey Kong in it, and I'll look over at the tree and be so happy. Because I'll know that my family all got the presents they wanted so very much to. I'll dive into the area with my big present, because I'll know what's there. A brand new bicycle and a new electronic keyboard. I'll hold them as closely to me as I can until my parents get downstairs, and then I'll give them the biggest hugs that anyone could ever give anyone else.
At least that's what I imagine I would do if I lived in a country that celebrated Christmas and didn't have to spend the day making cheap imitation women's wallets.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
DUMB GUY interviews HEWLETT PACKARD CEO MARK HURD
this is a transcript
DUMB GUY: Welcome, Mark Hurd!
MARK HURD: Thanks, I'm happy to give you a few minutes.
DUMB GUY: Right, because you know my cousin Merlin, right?
MARK HURD: No, I know your sister. Rachel.
DUMB GUY: Right. So! Let's talk about your new comptrollers.
MARK HURD: ....Well, HP has an exciting new product line coming out next quar-
DUMB GUY: What does HP stand for?
MARK HURD: Hewlett Packard.
DUMB GUY: I bet it stands for "Hot Mustard".
MARK HURD: .....It doesn't.
DUMB GUY: But it could.
MARK HURD: No, because Mustard starts with an M.
DUMB GUY: What is a "Hewlett"?
MARK HURD: Hewlett was the name of one of the.....excuse me what are you doing?
DUMB GUY: Oh, me? I'm just eating some Skittles. Would you like one?
MARK HURD: That doesn't look like Skittles.
DUMB GUY: Yup. Skittles all right. See?
MARK HURD: I see that's a Skittles wrapper, but it looks like you're eating toothpaste.
DUMB GUY: What if we changed Mustard so it started with a T?
MARK HURD: You still couldn't make the P in HP stand for Mustard...or ...Tustard. Sir, I'm worried that eating toothpaste at that rate could be harmful to your health, that's your 4th pack!
DUMB GUY: It's Skittles.
MARK HURD: I can clearly see it's a gel form, and it smells minty. That sir is toothpaste.
DUMB GUY: Right.
MARK HURD: Right....it's toothpaste?
DUMB GUY: No, right it's Skittles.
MARK HURD: I'm leaving.
DUMB GUY: Taste the rainbow!
DUMB GUY: Welcome, Mark Hurd!
MARK HURD: Thanks, I'm happy to give you a few minutes.
DUMB GUY: Right, because you know my cousin Merlin, right?
MARK HURD: No, I know your sister. Rachel.
DUMB GUY: Right. So! Let's talk about your new comptrollers.
MARK HURD: ....Well, HP has an exciting new product line coming out next quar-
DUMB GUY: What does HP stand for?
MARK HURD: Hewlett Packard.
DUMB GUY: I bet it stands for "Hot Mustard".
MARK HURD: .....It doesn't.
DUMB GUY: But it could.
MARK HURD: No, because Mustard starts with an M.
DUMB GUY: What is a "Hewlett"?
MARK HURD: Hewlett was the name of one of the.....excuse me what are you doing?
DUMB GUY: Oh, me? I'm just eating some Skittles. Would you like one?
MARK HURD: That doesn't look like Skittles.
DUMB GUY: Yup. Skittles all right. See?
MARK HURD: I see that's a Skittles wrapper, but it looks like you're eating toothpaste.
DUMB GUY: What if we changed Mustard so it started with a T?
MARK HURD: You still couldn't make the P in HP stand for Mustard...or ...Tustard. Sir, I'm worried that eating toothpaste at that rate could be harmful to your health, that's your 4th pack!
DUMB GUY: It's Skittles.
MARK HURD: I can clearly see it's a gel form, and it smells minty. That sir is toothpaste.
DUMB GUY: Right.
MARK HURD: Right....it's toothpaste?
DUMB GUY: No, right it's Skittles.
MARK HURD: I'm leaving.
DUMB GUY: Taste the rainbow!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
It's Time to Take Out the Trash
I think I want to start inserting movie character dialogue into my daily life. But instead of using puns, I want to use words in their literal sense, only say them like I'm trying to bust out a cool one-liner. As an example, I would say "This oughta heat things up." when everyone is cold and I'm turning up the heater. Or if I'm having a taxi take me home, when we get to my house yell "Yeah! This is MY house!" and then pound my chest. It's all about the delivery.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Cactus
I am a cactus. I don't need much water, and I have needles. All over the place. That's what I'm known for. Think about that.
It wouldn't be very fun, would it? Maybe I should say to myself "Hey, look Cactus, that person that just drove by? They're not known for anything. Nobody in Delaware knows who they are, but they sure do know who I am. A Cactus." But that's not me. That's not who I am. I didn't study my rear endquarters off at Johns Hopkins and spend years touring with the Dayton Philharmonic Orchestra, ultimately unseating that snotty Bonnie Sherman to win the spot as lead Contrabassoonist just to be known as "that guy who can live where oaks can't." Forget it! Did you know I've memorized all 154 of Shakespeare's sonnets? Take heed, dear heart, of this large privilege; The hardest knife ill-used doth lose his edge. Yeah. Still- when you think of me, is that going to come to mind? Probably not. Your thought is probably how you want to avoid sitting on me. You know what? I'm not even going to bother anymore. I'm just going to sit here and watch some more reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. Which is actually a really good show- I'm not just watching it to prove a point about how pathetic my life has become. I mean the TV watching has something to do with that, but if I'm going to watch something, it might as well be entertaining. And the way those characters stay true to form....fabulous. Especially that Frank. R.I.P. Peter Boyle. You will be missed.
It wouldn't be very fun, would it? Maybe I should say to myself "Hey, look Cactus, that person that just drove by? They're not known for anything. Nobody in Delaware knows who they are, but they sure do know who I am. A Cactus." But that's not me. That's not who I am. I didn't study my rear endquarters off at Johns Hopkins and spend years touring with the Dayton Philharmonic Orchestra, ultimately unseating that snotty Bonnie Sherman to win the spot as lead Contrabassoonist just to be known as "that guy who can live where oaks can't." Forget it! Did you know I've memorized all 154 of Shakespeare's sonnets? Take heed, dear heart, of this large privilege; The hardest knife ill-used doth lose his edge. Yeah. Still- when you think of me, is that going to come to mind? Probably not. Your thought is probably how you want to avoid sitting on me. You know what? I'm not even going to bother anymore. I'm just going to sit here and watch some more reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. Which is actually a really good show- I'm not just watching it to prove a point about how pathetic my life has become. I mean the TV watching has something to do with that, but if I'm going to watch something, it might as well be entertaining. And the way those characters stay true to form....fabulous. Especially that Frank. R.I.P. Peter Boyle. You will be missed.
 |
| Artist's rendition. CACTUS NOT DRAWN TO SCALE |
Awake-Man! Late-Night Guy! The Midnight Avenger!
It has recently come to my attention that I have a superpower. I've had it for a long time, and it's not a very good one. I have the ability to stay up very late without falling asleep. This came in handy when I needed to write papers for school, and still does when I want to drive somewhere very late and avoid traffic. It also helps for putting together a good fantasy football team, AND I have managed to waste my life on the internet in ways no mortal could ever dream.
Alas, the downsides are twofold*, as with great power comes great responsibility, although I'm not quite sure what being able to stay up late makes me responsible for- and I definitely have a weakness. Aluminum. Two weaknesses. Besides aluminum, I am unable to wake up at a decent hour in the morning. This isn't because I'm lazy, it's just that anything before 9:30am becomes a struggle, it doesn't matter how early I go to bed. Weird, huh?
* I don't understand where folding comes into play.
Alas, the downsides are twofold*, as with great power comes great responsibility, although I'm not quite sure what being able to stay up late makes me responsible for- and I definitely have a weakness. Aluminum. Two weaknesses. Besides aluminum, I am unable to wake up at a decent hour in the morning. This isn't because I'm lazy, it's just that anything before 9:30am becomes a struggle, it doesn't matter how early I go to bed. Weird, huh?
* I don't understand where folding comes into play.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Let's Stop Calling it a "Rest"room. Unless we Start Building Cots in There.
I recently attended a hockey game in Anaheim, where I had the good fortune of having to go to the bathroom. In an arena, you're always fearing the worst in a men's room, and ladies, let me tell you, I'm talking worst. Fellas, you know where I'm going with this, and since there are grandmothers, little children, and princesses that read this blog, I'm going to spare the details of the horrors that lurk beyond those doorless concrete entrences with the little neckless handless feetless faceless hairless white jumpsuit wearing floating head men on them
yes, that's the one. Poor guy. If that guy doesn't say "manly" to you, I don't know what does. Personally, I would have put a picture of a bearded man eating a steak in one hand and swinging a giant axe at a group of criminals in the other, all while reading the dictionary; that's right: learning is manly. But I guess he'll have to do.
I've always wondered though, and I've yet to ask any women I know how they feel about the women's room sign. Are they offended by the dress? I know a lot of girls who prefer jeans over every other method of lower half coverings.
I've also always wondered if kilt wearing Scots are constantly confused about which bathroom to use. Definitely a recipe for disaster.
But anyway, back to the men's room at the hockey game. Not as bad as you would think. Rather than explaining why, let me show you one of the greatest fears any man has when entering a bathroom. No, it's not the filth, that is to be expected, no, not the smell, again a given in public restrooms, it's this:
LOW EXTREMELY CLOSE URINALS WITH NO DIVIDERS IN A WELL LIT AREA! Luckily, that is not what I got at the game, the bathroom was very nice there.
Ladies, should you ever encounter a black or any other color related magical "Freaky-Friday"-esque situation where you find yourself in the body of a man and need to use a public bathroom, I hope you will have imparted to you the knowledge that all men instinctually have, but if you do not get that knowledge, allow me to illuminate the etiquette required:
RULE #4 NO CHIT-CHAT
Look, there's a lot of time in the day. You do not need to continue the conversation, and you certainly, absolutely, under no circumstances do NOT* start a conversation. If you are that desperate for talk about how the Chargers looked in the first half, I'm sorry, truly, I am. But you don't walk up to another guy mid use and do anything that requires thought. You may think we just stand there, but it's harder than it looks.
RULE #6 DON'T USE THE CHILD SIZE ONE
The splashback potential is exponentially greater. Not a pretty sight for anyone involved.
RULE #7 FINISH YOUR ZIPPING AND ANY OTHER ADJUSTING BEFORE YOU TURN AROUND
It doesn't matter how big of a hurry you're in. Get it under control buddy.
RULE #8 AIM FOR GUM, THE PICTURE OF A FLY, THE CAKE, OR ANY OTHER OBJECT
It's just what you do. Again though, beware of splashback potential.
So there you have it. 8 rules that I believe are fairly simple to follow. There are probably a few others I'm leaving out, but again, I remind you, there's a princess of some distant country reading this blog.
As far as the bathroom makers themselves, we're not asking much, but here are some things I think should be essential:
-Dividers in-between the urinals. Come on. Not too much to ask, and easily the best way to avoid any more unpleasantness in an already terrifying world. And if you're not going to put them up, at least give us a couple feet of space in-between. Or a trough. I've always liked the trough.
-No more manual flushing. Please, don't make us touch anything. Do you know where that stuff has been??
-If you're going to do the timed sinks, make them so they last for more than one second. I'm not the Flash.
-If you're going to have automatic hand-dryers they better be strong enough so I can see my skin move. The greater the force of air being blown, the better.
-What's with the super tall, no depth urinals? Please don't.
*That's right, I used the bold-underline-italicize-all caps. I went there.
I've always wondered though, and I've yet to ask any women I know how they feel about the women's room sign. Are they offended by the dress? I know a lot of girls who prefer jeans over every other method of lower half coverings.
But anyway, back to the men's room at the hockey game. Not as bad as you would think. Rather than explaining why, let me show you one of the greatest fears any man has when entering a bathroom. No, it's not the filth, that is to be expected, no, not the smell, again a given in public restrooms, it's this:
LOW EXTREMELY CLOSE URINALS WITH NO DIVIDERS IN A WELL LIT AREA! Luckily, that is not what I got at the game, the bathroom was very nice there.
Ladies, should you ever encounter a black or any other color related magical "Freaky-Friday"-esque situation where you find yourself in the body of a man and need to use a public bathroom, I hope you will have imparted to you the knowledge that all men instinctually have, but if you do not get that knowledge, allow me to illuminate the etiquette required:
RULES WHEN USING A URINAL IN A MEN'S ROOM
RULE #1: IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, TAKE A URINAL WITH NOBODY ON EITHER SIDE
This is the most important rule. It doesn't matter if there's an open one right next to the door, if there's a guy using the one next to it, you walk as far as you have to to find a double empty. The level of filth on the open urinal also is irrelevant when taking this rule into consideration, it doesn't matter how disgusting it is, you take the one with nobody next to it. Just hold your breath and don't look down. Which leads to rule #2:
RULE #2: YOU MAY ONLY LOOK STRAIGHT DOWN OR STRAIGHT UP
There's no middle ground here. You need to be testing the flexibility of your neck. If you're not looking at the ceiling or your neck is not physically touching your chest, something is wrong. The only possible exception is having a television or newspaper directly at eye level, and even then, you better make sure nothing shakes your concentration. A mild explosion should not change the amount of focus given to the direction of your line of sight. What are the reasons for these rules? It's not anything homophobic, it's mostly about privacy, ...and it's the same reason we don't have a garbage channel on tv, or we ask other people not to chew with their mouths open.
RULE #3 IF WAITING IN LINE, GIVE THE PERSON AS MUCH SPACE AS POSSIBLE
Pretend they're using an ATM. Only multiply that by 10. Wait outside if possible. In your car.RULE #4 NO CHIT-CHAT
Look, there's a lot of time in the day. You do not need to continue the conversation, and you certainly, absolutely, under no circumstances do NOT* start a conversation. If you are that desperate for talk about how the Chargers looked in the first half, I'm sorry, truly, I am. But you don't walk up to another guy mid use and do anything that requires thought. You may think we just stand there, but it's harder than it looks.
RULE #6 DON'T USE THE CHILD SIZE ONE
The splashback potential is exponentially greater. Not a pretty sight for anyone involved.
RULE #7 FINISH YOUR ZIPPING AND ANY OTHER ADJUSTING BEFORE YOU TURN AROUND
It doesn't matter how big of a hurry you're in. Get it under control buddy.
RULE #8 AIM FOR GUM, THE PICTURE OF A FLY, THE CAKE, OR ANY OTHER OBJECT
It's just what you do. Again though, beware of splashback potential.
So there you have it. 8 rules that I believe are fairly simple to follow. There are probably a few others I'm leaving out, but again, I remind you, there's a princess of some distant country reading this blog.
As far as the bathroom makers themselves, we're not asking much, but here are some things I think should be essential:
-Dividers in-between the urinals. Come on. Not too much to ask, and easily the best way to avoid any more unpleasantness in an already terrifying world. And if you're not going to put them up, at least give us a couple feet of space in-between. Or a trough. I've always liked the trough.
-No more manual flushing. Please, don't make us touch anything. Do you know where that stuff has been??
-If you're going to do the timed sinks, make them so they last for more than one second. I'm not the Flash.
-If you're going to have automatic hand-dryers they better be strong enough so I can see my skin move. The greater the force of air being blown, the better.
-What's with the super tall, no depth urinals? Please don't.
*That's right, I used the bold-underline-italicize-all caps. I went there.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
I Saw Zombieland Too, but I Have Nothing Funny to say About it. It was Good Though.
My thanksgiving this year consisted of a trip to Claim Jumper, where no garlic cheese toast was available because the menu was set. I did not give thanks for this. I did manage to get a dirty look from my mother, who maybe thought that I was being a rude guest by voicing my displeasure. I'm sure the old prospector who started Claim Jumper is spinning in his grave. ......but I bet HE has some garlic cheese toast. The best part about Thanksgiving, (other than spending it with my wonderful family) was the satisfaction I got from constructing a crudely made yet highly efficient sun blocking device by shoving an old newspaper in the creases of the car window. The ride home was made in the shade.
You'd think that someone would tell the actors in the Harry Potter movies to try coming up with a different reaction to magic being done other than "complete and utter wonderment". It's been 7 movies now, you'd think that seeing a jelly bean turns into a bus would elicit nothing more than a shrug from the kids who have seen ANYTHING capable of happening. Time travel, the dead coming back to life, and the intelligent cute girl showing an interest in the geeky redhead kid. If you're wondering whether or not I enjoyed the latest movie, I did, however I do have two words for you: tent dancing.
I also got a chance to seeThe Rock Dwayne Johnson's new movie this weekend, where he kills people because- well, we don't really need a reason, they could have just started the movie off with him saying "This is for revenge!" and then throwing a guy through a wall in front of a train that's headed off a cliff onto a box of dynamite. That would have saved a good twenty minutes and allowed for at least three more one-liners.
The movie I consider myself the most lucky to see this weekend was Legion, which (spoiler alert!) had a plot based on God wanting a baby dead so the human race would cease to exist. He tried to accomplish this by sending some ice cream man/spider demon hybrids after the mother. Makes sense.
 |
| The cast of Harry Potter watches a screening of "Legion". |
You'd think that someone would tell the actors in the Harry Potter movies to try coming up with a different reaction to magic being done other than "complete and utter wonderment". It's been 7 movies now, you'd think that seeing a jelly bean turns into a bus would elicit nothing more than a shrug from the kids who have seen ANYTHING capable of happening. Time travel, the dead coming back to life, and the intelligent cute girl showing an interest in the geeky redhead kid. If you're wondering whether or not I enjoyed the latest movie, I did, however I do have two words for you: tent dancing.
I also got a chance to see
The movie I consider myself the most lucky to see this weekend was Legion, which (spoiler alert!) had a plot based on God wanting a baby dead so the human race would cease to exist. He tried to accomplish this by sending some ice cream man/spider demon hybrids after the mother. Makes sense.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
I Didn't Know How to Make Columns
Looking to build your own apartment complex and you can't decide on a name for your community? I've come up with a handy cheat sheet for you. Just combine two of these words, and you'll be ready to go in no time!
EAGLE DALE
STONE COURT
SUNSET PARK
RIVER WOOD
CEDAR WILLOWS
SHADOW GLEN
This also works if you're naming streets in a new suburban community.
WIND CREEK
OAK STREAMEAGLE DALE
STONE COURT
SUNSET PARK
RIVER WOOD
CEDAR WILLOWS
SHADOW GLEN
This also works if you're naming streets in a new suburban community.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Smart Talk with Art Krenshaw Nov. 24th
Hello all, thankfully (get it?) Thanksgiving break is coming up at NKU so Art Krenshaw has a little bit of time for us. The e-mail questions have been piling up, but I thought we'd take a question that's relevant to our upcoming Thanksgiving holiday.
Art Krenshaw is an expert in human behavior. He's studied sociology and anthropology at Northern Kansas University and currently teaches on the side.
Dear Dr. Krenshaw,
Hello. I enjoy your advice and wanted to thank you for the insight you have provided. My question is one about Thanksgiving. The holiday is coming up and I have a young child who is being taught all about the Pilgrims and Indians at school. Of course they are being taught a nice story about the Indians helping the Pilgrims through a cold winter and the wonderful feast the two of them shared. The message is one of peace, giving, friendship, and appreciation for what you have. All things I would love for my child to learn. My concern is that the real Pilgrims were not incredibly kind or giving towards the Native Americans and I feel like I am lying in a way by not telling my child the truth. However, I don't want to ruin the positive message that the schools are teaching or give my son the idea that he can't trust what he is being taught in school. What do you think I should do?
Signed,
Thankful
Thankful,
Thank you for bringing up this interesting point. I know we have a class here at the University that focuses on "real" history vs. "desired" history, and I'm pretty sure this is one of the examples covered within the first few weeks of class. Your situation and dilemma is not unique and I will tell you what the more commonly accepted solution in the academic community is. In short: lie some more. The best thing to do would be to tell your children all sorts of other terrible things that the Pilgrims did so when they learn the truth, it is not as damaging. But you need to put it into terms they will understand. Something such as telling them that Pilgrims shut down the Indians internet and refused to let them watch Disney princesses. I told my kids that the Pilgrims made the Indians go to the dentist and eat vegetables every day, and then monsters ate all of them. Then when my kids asked if monsters ate everyone how come there are no monsters today, I simply explained the process of evolution to them, and that Daddy was part monster, so if they didn't go to bed at 8:30 every night, it was very possible he would eat them. This is also a good segue into the story of Kronos, and how he attempted to eat all of his children. Education. For younger ones, a good analogy is something such as "The Pilgrims broke Thomas the Tank Engine". When your children follow up with questions about that, just don't answer them, it's very exhausting explaining things to children. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to go to the store to ensure I have all my ingredients for Art Krenshaw's famous potato casserole!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mmmm! You'll have to give us that recipe, Art! As always, your advice was greatly appreciated. Until next time, this has been another edition of Smart Talk- With Art Krenshaw!
Art Krenshaw is an expert in human behavior. He's studied sociology and anthropology at Northern Kansas University and currently teaches on the side.
SMART TALK
with
ART KRENSHAW
Dear Dr. Krenshaw,
Hello. I enjoy your advice and wanted to thank you for the insight you have provided. My question is one about Thanksgiving. The holiday is coming up and I have a young child who is being taught all about the Pilgrims and Indians at school. Of course they are being taught a nice story about the Indians helping the Pilgrims through a cold winter and the wonderful feast the two of them shared. The message is one of peace, giving, friendship, and appreciation for what you have. All things I would love for my child to learn. My concern is that the real Pilgrims were not incredibly kind or giving towards the Native Americans and I feel like I am lying in a way by not telling my child the truth. However, I don't want to ruin the positive message that the schools are teaching or give my son the idea that he can't trust what he is being taught in school. What do you think I should do?
Signed,
Thankful
Thankful,
Thank you for bringing up this interesting point. I know we have a class here at the University that focuses on "real" history vs. "desired" history, and I'm pretty sure this is one of the examples covered within the first few weeks of class. Your situation and dilemma is not unique and I will tell you what the more commonly accepted solution in the academic community is. In short: lie some more. The best thing to do would be to tell your children all sorts of other terrible things that the Pilgrims did so when they learn the truth, it is not as damaging. But you need to put it into terms they will understand. Something such as telling them that Pilgrims shut down the Indians internet and refused to let them watch Disney princesses. I told my kids that the Pilgrims made the Indians go to the dentist and eat vegetables every day, and then monsters ate all of them. Then when my kids asked if monsters ate everyone how come there are no monsters today, I simply explained the process of evolution to them, and that Daddy was part monster, so if they didn't go to bed at 8:30 every night, it was very possible he would eat them. This is also a good segue into the story of Kronos, and how he attempted to eat all of his children. Education. For younger ones, a good analogy is something such as "The Pilgrims broke Thomas the Tank Engine". When your children follow up with questions about that, just don't answer them, it's very exhausting explaining things to children. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to go to the store to ensure I have all my ingredients for Art Krenshaw's famous potato casserole!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mmmm! You'll have to give us that recipe, Art! As always, your advice was greatly appreciated. Until next time, this has been another edition of Smart Talk- With Art Krenshaw!
Monday, November 22, 2010
A "Fanatic" is not Someone Who is a Fan of the Attic
Last night at the Chargers/Broncos game there was a guy who wore his Broncos jersey to the game, some doofus looking hat, goggles, and to top off the ensemble* a mullet and a poor excuse for a goatee. The poor sap spent most of his $90 ticket with his back to the game, taunting the crowd, a move I will never understand. Not only because he was making a large crowd of mostly intoxicated people with a few jerks sprinkled in angry, but because the Broncos were losing by 21 points. He didn't have much to back up his taunts, most of which consisted of him gesturing like a poor man's Hulk Hogan. Come to think of it, he was probably an intoxicated jerk himself, so I think I let him off easy by starting an extremely satisfying "Na na na na....na na na na....hey hey hey! GOODBYE!" chant when he was leaving the game early. As my brother pointed out, had we not been chanting at him, he probably would have had a lot more ice thrown at his goggles.
Starting chants is an incredibly fun thing to do. It's probably as close as I'll ever come to leading an angry mob, or having an army. It's dangerous though, because a failed chant is incredibly embarrassing. The worst is the guy who tries too hard and doesn't realize the chant isn't happening. "LET'S GO ANGELS....LET'S GO ANGELS....(now louder as if his desperation will motivate the crowd to join him) LET'S GO ANGELS...(now it's a near scream, he's almost pleading) LET'S GO ANGELS!!" and hopefully it's around this time something happens in the game that gives the crowd an excuse to make noise for something else.
Lastly,
Can we all agree nobody likes the twisty plastic part at the end of hot dogs? Yuck. We don't want to be reminded we're eating encased meats.
*pronounced with overzealous french accent
Starting chants is an incredibly fun thing to do. It's probably as close as I'll ever come to leading an angry mob, or having an army. It's dangerous though, because a failed chant is incredibly embarrassing. The worst is the guy who tries too hard and doesn't realize the chant isn't happening. "LET'S GO ANGELS....LET'S GO ANGELS....(now louder as if his desperation will motivate the crowd to join him) LET'S GO ANGELS...(now it's a near scream, he's almost pleading) LET'S GO ANGELS!!" and hopefully it's around this time something happens in the game that gives the crowd an excuse to make noise for something else.
Lastly,
Can we all agree nobody likes the twisty plastic part at the end of hot dogs? Yuck. We don't want to be reminded we're eating encased meats.
*pronounced with overzealous french accent
Sunday, November 21, 2010
I Never See This Kind of Stuff on HGTV
Actual quotes from leasing agents while apartment hunting:
Here's our movie theatre room. It costs $50 to rent out. You can watch anything up to R rated movies in there.
"I sure hope you become a neighbor."
"Oh, do you live here?"
"No."
"Do you work here?"
"I guess."
"I don't like the squirrels here. They're creepy."
I was in an empty apartment when we heard a ghost-like wail coming from the adjacent apartment, so I asked:
"Pretty thin walls eh?"
"....My mom lives here and she can't hear him cry."
Another lady KEPT mentioning the FOX granite countertops, I tried to politely correct her by mentioning something like "Oh, I haven't seen faux granite much today." She either didn't get what I was talking about, or is making fun of me on her blog right now.
And the best was when the guy was fumbling with his keys for 5 seconds, got one in the lock, then after fiddling with the lock for another 3 seconds, pulled the lock out of the door with the key, then tried to put multiple other keys into the hole in the door before realizing the deadbolt was attached to his keychain. Then after a good 2 minutes of me standing there watching him try to shove the deadbolt back in the door:
"I guess we can't go in. I can draw you a picture of the floorplan...."
After which I reached around him and opened the now unlocked door.
"....oh."
Here's our movie theatre room. It costs $50 to rent out. You can watch anything up to R rated movies in there.
"I sure hope you become a neighbor."
"Oh, do you live here?"
"No."
"Do you work here?"
"I guess."
"I don't like the squirrels here. They're creepy."
I was in an empty apartment when we heard a ghost-like wail coming from the adjacent apartment, so I asked:
"Pretty thin walls eh?"
"....My mom lives here and she can't hear him cry."
Another lady KEPT mentioning the FOX granite countertops, I tried to politely correct her by mentioning something like "Oh, I haven't seen faux granite much today." She either didn't get what I was talking about, or is making fun of me on her blog right now.
And the best was when the guy was fumbling with his keys for 5 seconds, got one in the lock, then after fiddling with the lock for another 3 seconds, pulled the lock out of the door with the key, then tried to put multiple other keys into the hole in the door before realizing the deadbolt was attached to his keychain. Then after a good 2 minutes of me standing there watching him try to shove the deadbolt back in the door:
"I guess we can't go in. I can draw you a picture of the floorplan...."
After which I reached around him and opened the now unlocked door.
"....oh."
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Was it a Magic Carpet or a Magic Rug?
This computer I'm writing on sounds so much like an airplane I'm disappointed it hasn't taken off and started flying around the room.
I'm also disappointed lightsabers aren't real.
I'm also disappointed lightsabers aren't real.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I Could Have Spent This Time Hunting for Treasure
A quick note to the service representitive that I was talking to today:
You say something, I listen. Then I respond while you listen. This is how communication works. Interrupting me every 5th word I say to repeat the first thing you said does not help.
I woke up this morning and thought "You know, I would love to spend hours on the phone with a collection agency because of a bill that shouldn't exist." Let me give them a call! Maybe I can jive with some of that fancy hold music. The kind where the three nerdy middle aged white guys are sitting around saying "Wow Leonard, this funky beat is something, but I think the synthesizer sounds too modern and there's not enough slow saxaphone." The kind of music I'm not even sure the people who are making it think is tolerable. That's great stuff. I honestly cannot picture anyone listening to that and thinking "Hey...this is pretty good." And yet, someone created it, and then someone decided it was the best thing to force angry people to listen to. "Since everyone enjoys being on hold, what could we do to make it even better!" I know! Music that reminds them of the last time they were being screwed by the inefficiencies of major corporations and the ineptitude of apathetic people getting paid unfair wages!
You say something, I listen. Then I respond while you listen. This is how communication works. Interrupting me every 5th word I say to repeat the first thing you said does not help.
I woke up this morning and thought "You know, I would love to spend hours on the phone with a collection agency because of a bill that shouldn't exist." Let me give them a call! Maybe I can jive with some of that fancy hold music. The kind where the three nerdy middle aged white guys are sitting around saying "Wow Leonard, this funky beat is something, but I think the synthesizer sounds too modern and there's not enough slow saxaphone." The kind of music I'm not even sure the people who are making it think is tolerable. That's great stuff. I honestly cannot picture anyone listening to that and thinking "Hey...this is pretty good." And yet, someone created it, and then someone decided it was the best thing to force angry people to listen to. "Since everyone enjoys being on hold, what could we do to make it even better!" I know! Music that reminds them of the last time they were being screwed by the inefficiencies of major corporations and the ineptitude of apathetic people getting paid unfair wages!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Thomas Edison is Jealous of my Inventions
I think I'll start some new things.
How about a fad:
I'll start one where hip kids wear clothes that older ladies would wear, and dress all in purple.
Kind of like this, but with purple eyeshadow, lipstick, and wig/dye.
I'll call them "Purps". Because I think half of a new fad is having a catchy name. Old people are going to hate Purps. Which is the other half of creating a new fad. Man, that was easy.
Now I think I'll start a saying:
Let's go with "Sweet corn!" As an exclamation. Example:
Sweet corn that was some hot coffee!
I could start a new greeting, in place of the fist bump or quick head nod.
Now when you want to say hello to someone you put your hands up like you're going to fight and stick both of your pinkies up.
Not like this, but nothing that looked like what I was talking about came up on google image search, and this was the funniest thing under "double pinkies" so, here's the poster for the 2010 romp "Lost on Journey"
And finally, a new product:
The Adam Sandler movie generator.
I don't have a picture, but I'll plug the formula into the machine and let's see what it comes up with:
This thing is going to make a fortune.
How about a fad:
I'll start one where hip kids wear clothes that older ladies would wear, and dress all in purple.
Kind of like this, but with purple eyeshadow, lipstick, and wig/dye.
I'll call them "Purps". Because I think half of a new fad is having a catchy name. Old people are going to hate Purps. Which is the other half of creating a new fad. Man, that was easy.
Now I think I'll start a saying:
Let's go with "Sweet corn!" As an exclamation. Example:
Sweet corn that was some hot coffee!
I could start a new greeting, in place of the fist bump or quick head nod.
Now when you want to say hello to someone you put your hands up like you're going to fight and stick both of your pinkies up.
Not like this, but nothing that looked like what I was talking about came up on google image search, and this was the funniest thing under "double pinkies" so, here's the poster for the 2010 romp "Lost on Journey"
And finally, a new product:
The Adam Sandler movie generator.
I don't have a picture, but I'll plug the formula into the machine and let's see what it comes up with:
A bunch of stuff a 12-year old would think is funny happens. Someone yells.
This thing is going to make a fortune.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
TOP TEN THINGS I’D LIKE YOU TO PICTURE ABRAHAM LINCOLN DOING
10. The Robot.
9. Having a crazy Laundromat mishap in his own sitcom.
8. Falling in love with a girl from the wrong side of the tracks, one with a heart of gold.
7. Giving a speech that starts "Five score and seven years ago...."
6. Taking a huge bite out of a giant onion, then reacting like it was the best thing he’d ever tasted.
5. A cover of an Eminem song feat. Ulysses S. Grant
4. Being tickled.
3. Writing an angry letter to Wal-Mart
2. Running around in circles, wearing a Cat in the Hat hat, his hands waving in the air, screaming “I’m an apricot! I’m an apricot!” until he pulls out a jetpack and zooms away.
1. Growing a mustache for that damn beard!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Snailed it!
Two snails sit in a garden outside a small apartment complex in Valley Village, CA. They have suddenly been blessed with the ability to speak thanks to the power of love. The snails do not love each other. A collective, Universal love has blessed them with talking and thinking ability. It has reached a level that puts human anatomy into asexual slug mollusks. The level of love is most likely due to overpopulation.
MARTIN: Well, I do believe we have gained the ability to speak.
SNAILFORD: English, I believe.
MARTIN: I'm speaking with some sort of a pseudo-British accent.
SNAILFORD: Yes, that's because fashion wise you're the more sophisticated of the two of us.
MARTIN: Correct, I have an excellent scarf collection. .....Snailford, why are we here?
SNAILFORD: Well, I don't think it really matters. We're snails.
MARTIN: Yeah, but- there has to be some reason we're here.
SNAILFORD: There's a sale at Target.
MARTIN: We don't have any money.
SNAILFORD: Maybe the sale is 100% off.
MARTIN: Maybe.
SNAILFORD: Probably not though.
MARTIN: Maybe we exist in order to move the things around us.
SNAILFORD: Whatever do you mean dear boy?
MARTIN: I'm not a boy. And I mean .... the dirt, the plants, these things wouldn't move if we weren't here right now.
SNAILFORD: But they'd probably move in some other way, an ant, a gust of wind, a shark.
MARTIN: Sharks don't move dirt or plants. At least not yet.
SNAILFORD: Oh that's right. Well, I think your theory has some validity. And who knows what these plants and dirt have to do with the big picture? Most likely nothing, but they could be important.
MARTIN: They could. Einstein developed the theory of relativity from looking at his ferns.
SNAILFORD: No he didn't.
MARTIN: No, but Snail Einstein might one day.
SNAILFORD: But he won't.
MARTIN: Snailford, I've developed a taste for salt.
SNAILFORD: You have? In this, our few brief moments of a higher consciousness?
MARTIN: Yes, but it's not a big deal. Our consciousnesses aren't THAT high. Remember, we were just talking about a sale at Target.
SNAILFORD: Hmm. So now what?
MARTIN: I'm probably going to get eaten by a bird.
He does. A crow swoops in, devours Martin, and flies off.
SNAILFORD: Well. This sucks.
MARTIN: Well, I do believe we have gained the ability to speak.
SNAILFORD: English, I believe.
MARTIN: I'm speaking with some sort of a pseudo-British accent.
SNAILFORD: Yes, that's because fashion wise you're the more sophisticated of the two of us.
MARTIN: Correct, I have an excellent scarf collection. .....Snailford, why are we here?
SNAILFORD: Well, I don't think it really matters. We're snails.
MARTIN: Yeah, but- there has to be some reason we're here.
SNAILFORD: There's a sale at Target.
MARTIN: We don't have any money.
SNAILFORD: Maybe the sale is 100% off.
MARTIN: Maybe.
SNAILFORD: Probably not though.
MARTIN: Maybe we exist in order to move the things around us.
SNAILFORD: Whatever do you mean dear boy?
MARTIN: I'm not a boy. And I mean .... the dirt, the plants, these things wouldn't move if we weren't here right now.
SNAILFORD: But they'd probably move in some other way, an ant, a gust of wind, a shark.
MARTIN: Sharks don't move dirt or plants. At least not yet.
SNAILFORD: Oh that's right. Well, I think your theory has some validity. And who knows what these plants and dirt have to do with the big picture? Most likely nothing, but they could be important.
MARTIN: They could. Einstein developed the theory of relativity from looking at his ferns.
SNAILFORD: No he didn't.
MARTIN: No, but Snail Einstein might one day.
SNAILFORD: But he won't.
MARTIN: Snailford, I've developed a taste for salt.
SNAILFORD: You have? In this, our few brief moments of a higher consciousness?
MARTIN: Yes, but it's not a big deal. Our consciousnesses aren't THAT high. Remember, we were just talking about a sale at Target.
SNAILFORD: Hmm. So now what?
MARTIN: I'm probably going to get eaten by a bird.
He does. A crow swoops in, devours Martin, and flies off.
SNAILFORD: Well. This sucks.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
When do we Get to Collect on all This Daylight We've Been Saving?
When I get out of work, it's dark out. I think it's safe to venture that when you get out of work it's dark out. This is because of a rule called "Daylight Savings". Contrary to the popular theory that Ben Franklin implemented it, it was actually first used in the United States in 1918, and the idea was proposed by a man named George Vernon Hudson. His goal in life was to annoy people by making them sleep less. After the small town he lived in took away his pots, pans, airhorns, symbols, roosters, and cannons, he had to think of a new way to make people tired. It was then that Daylight Savings was conceived in his brain! As an added bonus for George, he also managed to depress everyone leaving their office because it felt to them like they had wasted an entirely good day of sun by the time they had left work, a tradition that continues to this very day! However, as a bonus, we now have more time for owls!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Breaking of the Fellowship
Overheard tonight at Jack in the Box:
EMPLOYEE: Hello welcome to Jack in the Box my name is Hugo how are you doing tonight?
CUSTOMER: Well Hugo, not too great.
HUGO: Oh no, sorry to hear that, what happened?
CUSTOMER: My fiance broke up with me....but I'll have some chicken fingers and 2 tacos and a drink.
HUGO: Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that..... (awkward pause) .....but at least you'll be able to go to parties and hook up with girls now!
....which was clearly not what the poor guy needed to hear. I gave him a look of pity and told him I was sorry as he passed me to fill his drink at the soda fountain.
But you know what the worst part is?
Hugo wouldn't even give him a free taco.
EMPLOYEE: Hello welcome to Jack in the Box my name is Hugo how are you doing tonight?
CUSTOMER: Well Hugo, not too great.
HUGO: Oh no, sorry to hear that, what happened?
CUSTOMER: My fiance broke up with me....but I'll have some chicken fingers and 2 tacos and a drink.
HUGO: Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that..... (awkward pause) .....but at least you'll be able to go to parties and hook up with girls now!
....which was clearly not what the poor guy needed to hear. I gave him a look of pity and told him I was sorry as he passed me to fill his drink at the soda fountain.
But you know what the worst part is?
Hugo wouldn't even give him a free taco.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
The Orange Alka-Seltzer for Colds....mmm!
Yet another file for the "Things that were way better when you were a kid" folder:
Staying home sick. When you were younger it meant having your Mom take care of you, she'd bring you some nice food, you would get to lay with your favorite blanket and you'd get to watch cartoons and daytime TV. Time has no meaning to you as a child, save "bedtime", so it didn't matter how long the day was or how much you had to sleep- you got to do other fun things in the meantime!
Flash forward to today as an adult. There's no mom to take care of you, especially if you call during "Survivor" and even then, a phone can't bring you soda or popsicles. Staying home isn't any fun because we've realized by now that daytime TV is terrible, and half the day is spent trying not to fall asleep so you don't wake up wide awake at 3am. Although I will say medicine tastes a little better now.
*this blog would have gone on longer but the drowsy formula is starting to kick in...
Staying home sick. When you were younger it meant having your Mom take care of you, she'd bring you some nice food, you would get to lay with your favorite blanket and you'd get to watch cartoons and daytime TV. Time has no meaning to you as a child, save "bedtime", so it didn't matter how long the day was or how much you had to sleep- you got to do other fun things in the meantime!
Flash forward to today as an adult. There's no mom to take care of you, especially if you call during "Survivor" and even then, a phone can't bring you soda or popsicles. Staying home isn't any fun because we've realized by now that daytime TV is terrible, and half the day is spent trying not to fall asleep so you don't wake up wide awake at 3am. Although I will say medicine tastes a little better now.
*this blog would have gone on longer but the drowsy formula is starting to kick in...
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Under THE Weather? What Kind of Weather? Probably Rain.
I'm sick. So be happy with what you get.
Being sick sucks. Which makes me take issue with anyone who uses the term "sick" to mean "really good". Being sick is not sick.
Being sick sucks. Which makes me take issue with anyone who uses the term "sick" to mean "really good". Being sick is not sick.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Line?
So today when I walked into the voting area and got my ballot, I overheard the following exchange:
PERSON: Hi, I'm not registered, and I'm not from California, can I still vote?
WORKER: Here's a ballot.
I noticed all of the booths were taken so I made a line and the following exchange occurred.
WORKER: Hi! You can go ahead and just sit at that table and vote.
ME: Right there? (pointing to the middle of the room where all the traffic is)
WORKER: That's right.
ME: Won't everyone be able to see what I'm doing then?
WORKER: *shrugs
Voter Apathy < People Working the Polling Center Apathy
I wanted to ask what the cool looking machine was in the corner but I think I exceed my question limit by two. I bet it played video games.
On a note unrelated to elections, whenever I'm creating my own line, I like to try and get in an ambiguous spot, because it doesn't seem fair to have to pick a horse and wait directly behind a person. Then someone who got there after you did could come and get behind a person who happens to finish faster. It defeats the purpose of a line- in fact- scratch that first sentence this paragraph- this DOES have something to do with elections, from now on (or at least until the end of this entry) I'm campaigning to have ONE line that filters into the next available slot in all movie theatres, fast food restaurants, grocery stores, bathrooms, etc. We'll call it: "Prop Awesome". How could anyone vote no on that?
PERSON: Hi, I'm not registered, and I'm not from California, can I still vote?
WORKER: Here's a ballot.
I noticed all of the booths were taken so I made a line and the following exchange occurred.
WORKER: Hi! You can go ahead and just sit at that table and vote.
ME: Right there? (pointing to the middle of the room where all the traffic is)
WORKER: That's right.
ME: Won't everyone be able to see what I'm doing then?
WORKER: *shrugs
Voter Apathy < People Working the Polling Center Apathy
I wanted to ask what the cool looking machine was in the corner but I think I exceed my question limit by two. I bet it played video games.
On a note unrelated to elections, whenever I'm creating my own line, I like to try and get in an ambiguous spot, because it doesn't seem fair to have to pick a horse and wait directly behind a person. Then someone who got there after you did could come and get behind a person who happens to finish faster. It defeats the purpose of a line- in fact- scratch that first sentence this paragraph- this DOES have something to do with elections, from now on (or at least until the end of this entry) I'm campaigning to have ONE line that filters into the next available slot in all movie theatres, fast food restaurants, grocery stores, bathrooms, etc. We'll call it: "Prop Awesome". How could anyone vote no on that?
Monday, November 1, 2010
Why Can't They Just Spell Out Their Name With Each Letter Standing for a Really Important Word?
America is a free country. Based on capitalism. Where you pay for everything.
It's also a democracy, which means we are ruled by an alien Overlord named Dem. May his laser beams of justice shine down on all those who may stand in his way.
The best part of being part of a democratic society is that morons like me get to vote! Which means during election time, a ton of videos are made for people who are dumb and too lazy to research any sort of facts about anything. These videos are the best part about voting.
So as you can see, the best part about living in America is campaign videos.
The videos are great because they have incredibly ominous music, the kind you'd imagine playing when a super bad drug dealer is walking into the cop who's trying to chase him's house when the cop is at work, and some guy who sounds like he had a pack of smokes and is ready to rake you over the coals in the interrogation room is giving the viewer facts, facts which are repeated for emphasis.
I thought I'd try writing an attack ad of my own, on the blog that has the url wonderblog.blogspot.com
Hey, that was pretty fun. Another one?
Maybe juuuuust one more.
It's also a democracy, which means we are ruled by an alien Overlord named Dem. May his laser beams of justice shine down on all those who may stand in his way.
The best part of being part of a democratic society is that morons like me get to vote! Which means during election time, a ton of videos are made for people who are dumb and too lazy to research any sort of facts about anything. These videos are the best part about voting.
So as you can see, the best part about living in America is campaign videos.
The videos are great because they have incredibly ominous music, the kind you'd imagine playing when a super bad drug dealer is walking into the cop who's trying to chase him's house when the cop is at work, and some guy who sounds like he had a pack of smokes and is ready to rake you over the coals in the interrogation room is giving the viewer facts, facts which are repeated for emphasis.
I thought I'd try writing an attack ad of my own, on the blog that has the url wonderblog.blogspot.com
Back in 2003, someone known only as "Murphy H, 2001" started a blog called "wonderblog", in it, they posted only nine times
(posted only NINE times?)
The last post? Seven years ago.
(SEVEN years?)
Do you want a blogger who has no way to keep track of time? I don't think so.
Hey, that was pretty fun. Another one?
Once in January of 2003, the Wonderblog author wrote a post making fun of chubby blogs.
(chubby blogs??)
They probably didn't take into account that over 59 percent of the blog reading population could be considered chubby, DID THEY?
Back when wonderblog was created, the author chose to post in an olive green background.
(Olive green?)
That's the same color as split pea soup. Which was also what the devil puked all over the room in the exorcist.
A vote for wonderblog.blogspot.com is a vote for the devil.
(paidforbyhighlyratedblogofchoice.blogspot.com)
Maybe juuuuust one more.
I'm the author of this blog, and I approve this message.
Sometimes, the author of wonderblog.blogspot.com used the letter H. Hitler's name started with the letter H.
The highlyratedblogofchoice.blogspot.com's author frequently uses the letter P. Puppies spell their name with a P.
What would you rather vote for, Hitler? Or Puppies?
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Monster Stink
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| This picture has nothing to do with the blog, but it's Halloween themed. |
For Halloween, I thought I'd blog about something scary! Like monsters! Although how scary are they really? Sure, monsters get a lot of hype. We know they are supposed to be scary, but they're really not. Yes, there's many children out there who are afraid of monsters (the under the bed, in the closet variety) but I think we can agree that it's very possible what they're really afraid of is not getting enough attention or going to bed early.
Who are the monsters I'm talking about? Well, when I think of "monsters" especially around Halloween, there's a select few that come to mind.
Frankenstein
Technically "Frankenstein's Monster", but nobody wants to talk about Dr. Frankenstein- we just want to talk about the body parts he had sewn back together, which somehow came back to life when lightning hit them! Maybe it was the bolts sticking out of his neck. Come to think of it, the logistics of Frankenstein have never really been explained to me. Why is he really tall and strong enough to walk through walls? If he's just a bunch of body parts sewn together and brought back to life, shouldn't he just be normal size and have the strength of an average human? The haircut and green color didn't make a lot of sense to me either. Who looks like that? Frankenstein's motives always seemed ambiguous as well. Did he just want to walk around and be left alone? That's what it seemed like to me. Not very scary. Neither is the fact that he can't bend his knees. Any monster the fat and the elderly can easily escape from is not a very good monster. At least in terms of the ability to frighten. He seems like a perfectly nice giant dead guy.
The Wolfman
I'm not sure why The Wolfman gets the distinction of "The" Wolfman, and not just "Wolfman", but I'll roll with it. This one makes a little more sense. Wolves can be kinda scary. And one that's bigger - say- man-sized could be that much scarier. The only problem here is that it's not much scarier than a big wolf. I mean, at least a Wolfman is part human, a giant wolf is just some crazy animal! And the nose wouldn't look as ridiculous as it does on Wolfmen. Really, I think the prospect of turning into a wolfman is much scarier than an actual Wolfman. So I propose from now on, we just have "Giant Wolf". That has fire breath. And can walk through walls. And is bulletproof. And can drive a car and also sometimes looks like your cousin so you never know if it's really him, or if it's really Giant Wolf. Now that would be scary.
The Mummy
Kinda sounds like "Mommy". Not very scary.
Dracula
So vampires are supposed to be "sexy" these days. I guess that sort of takes the scariness out of Dracula. Really though, it makes sense. Because what is sexier than something that's dead? And can turn into a bat? The teeth are pretty creepy too. Trendiness aside, the fact that vampires are afraid of garlic has always amused me. Whoever decided to use that storytelling cop-out didn't think things through very well- typically you want to be afraid of the monster, not have the monster afraid of common household items or delicious herbs and spices. It's also nice that he dresses so snazzy. But not so scary.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Please Stop Calling Things "Spooktacular"
Halloween is coming up on Sunday. I have mixed feelings about the holiday- I'm not even sure if we should call it a holiday. I think holidays should be something you miss work for. Halloween feels more like an event than a holiday. I've had good Halloweens and bad ones, but of course as a child nothing is more exciting than a holiday where you get to BECOME whatever you want, and get candy for it!
The whole "scary" thing I think is confusing for kids, because we spend much of our childhoods trying to not be scared and trying to talk ourselves out of things being scary. "There's no monster in the toilet.", "I won't fall through those grates in the sidewalk in big cities." that kind of stuff. Yet, here comes this day where we celebrate vampires and ghosts and witches and more recently, cartoon characters and pop culture people getting 15 minutes of fame. Although I guess that last one IS pretty scary.
I remember being younger and being so excited for whatever costume I was going to be. A vampire, a Ninja Turtle, a baseball player, and the Penguin from Batman. (the Burgess Meredith version- I don't know why, of all the things I could be that was the one that appealed to me. Apparently the purple top hat, monocle, umbrella, and a long cigarette holder are enticing to an 8 year old.)
The thing about Halloween- and I think this still holds true today- is it's a lot like going to a buffet after you haven't eaten in a while. You pile on an extra helping of hash browns, a few more scoops of fruit, and one roll too many because your eyes are bigger than your stomach. In this case, for Halloween, all you can think about is the presentation of the costume. How's it all going to look? Nevermind that after 3 houses and 5 minutes walking you realize wearing fake plastic teeth is uncomfortable, you're hot in your green ninja turtle sweats, your baseball helmet is falling off because it's too big, and the stage glue that's keeping your fake penguin nose on smells funny. Halloween costumes aren't meant to impress other people, they're meant to make us all uncomfortable. That's why I think we should just make signs that say "dinosaur" or "Sponge Bob" and let everyone use their imaginations. That's what the holiday is all about, anyway. Well, that and pagans throwing their slaughtered livestock into bonfires.
The whole "scary" thing I think is confusing for kids, because we spend much of our childhoods trying to not be scared and trying to talk ourselves out of things being scary. "There's no monster in the toilet.", "I won't fall through those grates in the sidewalk in big cities." that kind of stuff. Yet, here comes this day where we celebrate vampires and ghosts and witches and more recently, cartoon characters and pop culture people getting 15 minutes of fame. Although I guess that last one IS pretty scary.
I remember being younger and being so excited for whatever costume I was going to be. A vampire, a Ninja Turtle, a baseball player, and the Penguin from Batman. (the Burgess Meredith version- I don't know why, of all the things I could be that was the one that appealed to me. Apparently the purple top hat, monocle, umbrella, and a long cigarette holder are enticing to an 8 year old.)
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| Who wouldn't want to dress up as this? |
The thing about Halloween- and I think this still holds true today- is it's a lot like going to a buffet after you haven't eaten in a while. You pile on an extra helping of hash browns, a few more scoops of fruit, and one roll too many because your eyes are bigger than your stomach. In this case, for Halloween, all you can think about is the presentation of the costume. How's it all going to look? Nevermind that after 3 houses and 5 minutes walking you realize wearing fake plastic teeth is uncomfortable, you're hot in your green ninja turtle sweats, your baseball helmet is falling off because it's too big, and the stage glue that's keeping your fake penguin nose on smells funny. Halloween costumes aren't meant to impress other people, they're meant to make us all uncomfortable. That's why I think we should just make signs that say "dinosaur" or "Sponge Bob" and let everyone use their imaginations. That's what the holiday is all about, anyway. Well, that and pagans throwing their slaughtered livestock into bonfires.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
They Tell Me to Leave a Message After the Beep, I Wonder Why They're Swearing at Me
This day and age cell phones are our number one form of long distance communication. It has taken a little while, but I've noticed some groups emerging from cell phone users. After being called there's:
The Never Pick Up
Not quite sure why, but the caller ID on this person's cell phone isn't good enough. They have to wait and see if your MESSAGE is worth calling back as well. Typically this person is not busy enough to the point that they would never have time to answer their phones
The Texter
This person rarely picks up, and usually your call is quickly followed by a "whats up" or a "saw u called" text message. Then you, being a sucker, text back detailed information or plans, which was the reason you called instead of texting in the first place- to save time because you figure they would have picked up the phone if they were able to. The exchange usually ends in a phone call when The Texter gets too lazy to continue the conversation via text.
The Doubler
For whatever reason, this person only answers their phone on the second try, this person could also be known as The Slowpoke or the Insta Callback because they take forever to get to their phones. Typically you have to discover someone is an Insta Callback or Slowpoke before you realize they're a Doubler and you have to call them twice to get a hold of them.
The Liar
"Hey I'm busy let me call you right back". This person says they will, but always somehow "forgets" to call back.
The No Check
Who knows why, maybe a traumatic event happened while checking a voicemail, but this person never checks the message you leave them.
The Comedian
They've set up a funny voicemail message and they want you to hear it. Great. Problem is, it's not funny six months later after the 50th time.
The Robot
If you've never called this person before you never know if you're calling the right number because they couldn't take the time to say "Hi, this is ____. Leave a message." The robot is also incredibly slow and not fun to listen to multiple times either.
The Blind Man
They say they "Didn't see your call" but you know they keep their phone with them religiously.
The No-Hands
This person refuses to just put the phone up to their ear like a normal person. They need to have in a handsfree or have you on speaker every time, which means they're either distracted or incredibly hard to understand.
The Commuter
Don't bother trying to talk to this person when they're not traveling somewhere. The minute they reach a destination, your conversation turns into a pumpkin and is over.
The Never-Ender
"I have to go" has no meaning to this person, they continue to talk as if you've never said a thing.
and finally,
The Multi-Tasker
Extremely hard to have a conversation with, talking to them could be considered a sport as you're constantly competing with kids, tv, shopping, or any other number of things that are incredibly distracting.
....or maybe I'm just a terrible conversationalist.
The Never Pick Up
Not quite sure why, but the caller ID on this person's cell phone isn't good enough. They have to wait and see if your MESSAGE is worth calling back as well. Typically this person is not busy enough to the point that they would never have time to answer their phones
The Texter
This person rarely picks up, and usually your call is quickly followed by a "whats up" or a "saw u called" text message. Then you, being a sucker, text back detailed information or plans, which was the reason you called instead of texting in the first place- to save time because you figure they would have picked up the phone if they were able to. The exchange usually ends in a phone call when The Texter gets too lazy to continue the conversation via text.
The Doubler
For whatever reason, this person only answers their phone on the second try, this person could also be known as The Slowpoke or the Insta Callback because they take forever to get to their phones. Typically you have to discover someone is an Insta Callback or Slowpoke before you realize they're a Doubler and you have to call them twice to get a hold of them.
The Liar
"Hey I'm busy let me call you right back". This person says they will, but always somehow "forgets" to call back.
The No Check
Who knows why, maybe a traumatic event happened while checking a voicemail, but this person never checks the message you leave them.
The Comedian
They've set up a funny voicemail message and they want you to hear it. Great. Problem is, it's not funny six months later after the 50th time.
The Robot
If you've never called this person before you never know if you're calling the right number because they couldn't take the time to say "Hi, this is ____. Leave a message." The robot is also incredibly slow and not fun to listen to multiple times either.
The Blind Man
They say they "Didn't see your call" but you know they keep their phone with them religiously.
The No-Hands
This person refuses to just put the phone up to their ear like a normal person. They need to have in a handsfree or have you on speaker every time, which means they're either distracted or incredibly hard to understand.
The Commuter
Don't bother trying to talk to this person when they're not traveling somewhere. The minute they reach a destination, your conversation turns into a pumpkin and is over.
The Never-Ender
"I have to go" has no meaning to this person, they continue to talk as if you've never said a thing.
and finally,
The Multi-Tasker
Extremely hard to have a conversation with, talking to them could be considered a sport as you're constantly competing with kids, tv, shopping, or any other number of things that are incredibly distracting.
....or maybe I'm just a terrible conversationalist.
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