It Was the Night Before Christmas (look how modern it is now)

Twas' the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, except for my Dad, and my brother, and I was of course, I'm writing this- I bet there were some bugs moving around, and for sure there were some microscopic mites, I don't know if you'd count single-cell organisms, amoebas and what not, but those were stirring too.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
and by "hung by the chimney" I mean "still in a box in the attic", and by "with care" I mean "they were thrown in"

The children my mom were  was nestled all snug in their her beds
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their her heads.  ...Yeah, that actually sounds about right.

And ma in her kerchief and I in my cap
had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa.  Is this guy calling his wife "ma"?  And "going to sleep" a "nap"?  How old is this thing?  I'm definitely never calling my wife "mother", creepy!  She will probably wear a kerchief to bed though.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Because Santa was landing on the lawn and not the roof for some reason.

Now what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a normal sized sleigh and eight normal sized reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it wasn't Santa, because Santa is big and fat.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
And I have no idea what a courser is.

"Now DASHER!  Now DANCER! Now PRANCER and VIXEN!  On COMET on CUPID!  On DONNER and BLITZEN!"
They all must get really tired of hearing that.  It's like "we get it Santa, OK?  Look, we're flying already.  You don't need to shout our names at every house we land at."

"To the top of the porch!  To the top of the wall!
...just go to the roof like we should have in the first place, thanks guys."

And then in a twinkling (which is a measurement of time apparently) I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each normal sized hoof.
As I drew in my head and was turning around
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
I wonder if the other Saints get pissed that some of them did stuff like die in burning flames or feed the hungry and poor while other ones just played the flute and had snakes follow him or gave out toys and they're even more famous.

He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot...but not all in fur, just around his sleeves and on his hat.  And I'm not even really sure that's fur...polar bear fur?
And his clothes were all covered with ashes and soot.


A bundle of toys he had hung on his back,
And he looked just like a peddler, opening his sack.
OK, don't know why we needed to know that last detail, but moving on....

His eyes how they twinkled (again with the twinkling?) his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses...well, like the color of roses, that would be weird
His nose, like a cherry! See above.

His droll normal sized mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.
The beard on his elbow was sort of a powder blue though, which really creeped me out.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath
"Santa" I said.  "That stuff will kill you man."  He just shrugged and kept going.

He had a broad face and a round little belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
So it wasn't really that little.  And what the heck is he laughing at?  How filthy he is and the disgusting pipe-smoke smell he's leaving in my parents' living room?

He was cubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!  Because I was really confused that he was an elf.  I always thought he was a human, so it was one of those things where you're so stunned you can't help but laugh- it wasn't funny or anything, but that was just the reaction I had.  I knew he probably got that a lot though, so I tried to bite my lip.  No dice though.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon let me know there was nothing to dread.
Also, he's Santa.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Which made it a little awkward.  So I was like "Hey Santa, what'd you bring me?" and he held out a wooden train.  So I said "Umm...you know I'm in my late 20s, right?  How about that PS3 I asked for?"  And Santa said "Dude, you're kind of a jerk."

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
And laying my finger inside of my nose, I went upstairs.

He sprang to his sleigh, gave his team a whistle,
And away they all flew like an outdated reference that rhymes with whistle.
And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

...which I heard him do 10 more times as he finished the rest of the street...except for the Jewish kids.



Merry Christmas everybody!!!