Cactus

I am a cactus.  I don't need much water, and I have needles.  All over the place.  That's what I'm known for.  Think about that.

It wouldn't be very fun, would it?  Maybe I should say to myself "Hey, look Cactus, that person that just drove by?  They're not known for anything.  Nobody in Delaware knows who they are, but they sure do know who I am.  A Cactus."  But that's not me.  That's not who I am.  I didn't study my rear endquarters off at Johns Hopkins and spend years touring with the Dayton Philharmonic Orchestra, ultimately unseating that snotty Bonnie Sherman to win the spot as lead Contrabassoonist just to be known as "that guy who can live where oaks can't."  Forget it!  Did you know I've memorized all 154 of Shakespeare's sonnets?  Take heed, dear heart, of this large privilege; The hardest knife ill-used doth lose his edge.  Yeah.  Still- when you think of me, is that going to come to mind?  Probably not.  Your thought is probably how you want to avoid sitting on me.  You know what?  I'm not even going to bother anymore.  I'm just going to sit here and watch some more reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.  Which is actually a really good show- I'm not just watching it to prove a point about how pathetic my life has become.  I mean the TV watching has something to do with that, but if I'm going to watch something, it might as well be entertaining.  And the way those characters stay true to form....fabulous.  Especially that Frank.  R.I.P. Peter Boyle.  You will be missed.

Artist's rendition.  CACTUS NOT DRAWN TO SCALE