Spied her? I Didn't. Webface.

I like helping.





























I especially like helping children.  They're much weaker and dumber than I am, so it takes a lot less effort to help, yet the results are equally as helpful as if you'd helped, say, your brother, or a co-worker.  It's all about the bang for your buck.

So as a public service to all of the kids out there- and I'm not talking about goats, although they're welcome to benefit from this as well- I'm going to help out with some schoolwork, it being the end of summer and all.  I know there's probably nary a kid out there who wants to do work after they've spent a whole summer goofing off.  Since I have to work every day of my miserable fulfilling existence, I thought I would help do something basic, like write a report.  And with today's modern technology and search engines being what they are, I bet there's 3 kids plagiarizing this blog as you're reading it.

Spiders:  Known in some circles as man's best friend, but those circles are full of idiots.  Spiders don't have any friends, and that's why they're all out to get us.  They don't like us, and we don't like them.  Simple as that. 
But to really get inside the mind of a spider, you have to know what exactly a spider is, and what drives them to do what they do.  A spider is composed of 8 legs (or 4 legs and 4 arms.  or 2 legs, 4 arms, and 2 more legs.  or 6 legs and 2 arms.) a body, eyes that we can't see but look kind of like a honeycomb, and 2 pinchers.  The spider uses its legs to walk in as creepy a way as possible, and it needs 8 legs because if it had 4, it would have to move just like every other animal.  The spider's pinchers are used to bite the hell out of humans when they sleep, because the spider is the 5th biggest coward in the animal kingdom, right behind the beaver, the chinchilla, african bull moose, and of course, the whale.  Every spider has an exoskeleton, which is exactly what it sounds like, and means they have no skeleton whatsoever.  An ex-ol'-skeleton.
 
If a spider feels threatened by humans, it retreats to the darkest place possible, and after you leave to pick up some burgers, builds a web right where your face would be on your sidewalk.  This is nature's way of telling us "we spiders want to make you humans look like fools".  And they do.
The spider's web is one of the most miraculous things on this planet.  It can make a grown man spit and flail his arms about like a baby after being hit in the face with one.  It also has the ability to make you think there's a spider in your hair or on your neck well after you walk through its jerk-like substance.  Although some crackpots think the web has other uses, no scientific evidence to support this claim has been found.  Oh they also cause Gwen Stefani to screen her phone calls for some reason yet unknown to man.
Another defense mechanism the spider has is the crazy amount of itching their bite will cause us.  This makes us resent the spider for the major annoyance it has caused us, and so we want to kill every spider we see, thereby reducing its competition. 

In conclusion, should you see a spider, think about how amazing it is that a creature so different from us can live in this world, and the intricate part it plays in the food chain.  Then think about how any animal that isn't delicious should be seen on TVs and zoos but never in person, and then squish it.  Or get the manliest person around, and they'll do it.

THE END


Kids,  you're welcome.  Doubt you're going to find a better "How I spent my summer vacation" paper than that!