Too Great of an American to Make us Waste Our Time Writing the Full "Edward"

I have the day off of work tomorrow for Presidents' day.  Which really is the combination of Lincoln and Washington's birthdays.  Instead of Presidents' day (like Father's day?  Should we be letting Obama sleep in and get him some sort of boring practical gift he could just easily buy himself but probably didn't want it enough to bother?) shouldn't it be Lincshington's day?  Or Washcoln?  Or Georgeraham Lincwashton.
Going back to the idea of birthdays being silly because it's just another year of not dying: how silly is it that we are celebrating the birthday of someone who is already dead?  If I ever get a day named after me, celebrate it on the day I did something really cool, not the day I was born.  I did nothing there, in fact, that was all you mom.  (as far as I know at least)  Actually, if I ever get a holiday named after me, just make it the day after the Superbowl like everyone wants.  Or put it in that big holiday-less gap in-between Presidents' day and memorial day.  Like the day after St. Patrick's day. 
You know what day Presidents' day falls on?  Washington's birthday.  Not Lincoln's.   You know what?  I give old Abe a hard time, but it's like a brother picks on his really dorky overachieving brother- out of love.  Haven't we given Washington enough?  Father of our country, (gross) and all, I get it.  Jeez though, this guy has the dollar bill, the giant monument erected in his honor, the quarter, best of all coins, (give me a quarter, I love quarters!*), oh, and our nation's capital.  Sidenote: Washington, District of Colombia?  Huh?  Can we take another country's name out of the city (district?) that's supposed to represent our entire country?  .....Yeah, come to think of it, I thought cities were supposed to be capitals, and we have a district?  Messed up if you ask me.  And you know who I think was behind it all?  George Washington.  Enough's enough.  And what have you done for me lately?  I tell you what- why not have a holiday after great and more current American Ed Schafer?

Who is that, you ask?
Exactly.
He hasn't done enough for us to go all crazy over the guy, naming our doorknobs and jelly beans after him, like that greedy Washington.
But just to give you a rundown of his career highlights:
Governor of North Dakota from 1992-2000.  That's right- his steady hand guided North Dakota through the most 90s period in the history of their entire state.  North Dakota remained largely unaffected by both M.C. Hammer and the grunge movement, not to mention neon green.
-He also declined calls from Republican leaders to run for higher office, including that of then president George W. Bush.  What better way to represent America than with complacency and/or laziness?  Dear Peter Principle, In your face.  Sincerely, Ed Schafer.
-Lastly on his surprisingly short list of accomplishments, Ed Schafer appeared in 2003 with his team, The High Flyers, as a contestant in the American TV Series Junkyard Wars.










*said in gypsy voice