I had a good time at a Karaoke bar this weekend. "Karaoke", the ancient Japanese art of yelling into a microphone, or its literal translation: "super mouth" is not for the faint of heart.
Things I'd like to say to those in attendance:
The guy who only knew 20% of the words to "Take on Me". Try for a little higher ratio next time.
The girl in the audience who was treating each song like it was her own personal concert. Good for you. What an ego booster for the masses.
The old man in the Christmas sweater: Good for you too. Your serious and sad song would have bored me had you not been for your mildly depressing sincerity. The Christmas sweater at the end of February offset any sadness though. Well done.
The guy who sang the Spider-Man theme song: You had the best voice of the evening. What better song to use it on than one that goes "watch out, here comes a Spider-Man".
The dime I found on the floor: Treasures are all around us.
To the people who chose songs over four minutes long: Why?
To the guy hosting the karaoke: You took no prisoners. Thankfully our judicial system is not as unforgiving as you. NEXT!!
To the guys who go up together to sing "The Thong Song" or "Baby Got Back": We get it, it's hilarious. Maybe next time just announce the title, let us contemplate the comedic implications for a second or two, and move along.
To everyone in the audience during my song: I swear I sound way better when I'm in the car on the way home from work!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I Pull an All-Afternooner Every Day
I've written a handful of times about my late-night sleeping habits...figuratively. Tonight I find myself confronted with the fact that I'd be better off as a morning person yet again. I think if I had pulled a near all-morninger I probably wouldn't be writing this blog. I'd be in bed right now. But instead it was the near all-nighter. All too often I find myself saying, "I need to go to bed earlier...". Never have I heard anyone say "Aw, jeez- I need to get up later." Nobody ever regrets anything they do in the morning. It's always the thing they did last night: "I shouldn't have read that next chapter/had that next drink/watched that next episode/stayed online so long, etc." Nobody ever says "I shouldn't have been responsible and gotten a head start on my day."
.....until now*.
*Not really. I just thought that was a better way to end the post.
.....until now*.
*Not really. I just thought that was a better way to end the post.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Interview with Father of Our Country George Washington!
OK, so all week we've been having anti-George Washington week, but since it's over I'd like to come clean and tell everyone that I'm actually a pretty big George Washington fan, and just figured it would be funny, since nobody ever has a problem with the guy.
As another example of how great of a President and man he was, George Washington has agreed to be here today for an interview!
ME: George, thanks for coming, hope you don't mind the little bit of fun we've been having at your expense this week, I'd like to start off by askin-
GEORGE WASHINGTON: I cannot tell a lie.....
ME: Oh, good! Right to the juicy stuff-
GEORGE WASHINGTON:....you are an idiot.
As another example of how great of a President and man he was, George Washington has agreed to be here today for an interview!
ME: George, thanks for coming, hope you don't mind the little bit of fun we've been having at your expense this week, I'd like to start off by askin-
GEORGE WASHINGTON: I cannot tell a lie.....
ME: Oh, good! Right to the juicy stuff-
GEORGE WASHINGTON:....you are an idiot.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
TOP TEN REASONS WHY CHEWBACCA WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER PRESIDENT THAN GEORGE WASHINGTON
10. Though Washington could also rip the arms from a droid's sockets, Chewbacca has actually done it, and isn't all talk.
9. Washington's victory at Yorktown small potatoes compared to Chewbacca’s victory on the moon of Endor
8. Two national languages: English, and Yelling like a bear.
7. Grover Cleveland was a fictitious character too, and he was a fine president.
6. Chewie needed neither powder nor a wig, dude was allll fur.
5.Chewbacca could also never tell a lie, if he did, he would be barred from the great table of Wookie elders for the next eight moons.
4. Washington's laser crossbow didn't have the cool ammo sash to go with it.
3. Since Chewbacca wasn't born in America, opens up the door for Ahhhnold to be president: think of all the comedy THAT would bring!
2."Chewbacca D.C." sounds way better.
1. His teeth and claws aren't wooden!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
TALE OF THE TAPE
 |
| GEORGE COSTANZA |
 |
| GEORGE WASHINGTON |
VS.
Faced down foreign invasion from British Faced down foreign invasion from soup Nazi
"I cannot tell a lie." "The jerk store called and they're running out of you!"
Intentionally killed many redcoats Unintentionally killed his fiance.
Benedict Arnold Newman
Worked to establish the Yankees Worked to establish the Yankees
Cherries from Cherry Tree Calzone
The Father of Our Country The Chucker/"Can'tstandya/Coco
Thomas Jefferson/Ben Franklin/Alexander Hamilton Jerry/Kramer/Elaine
All in all, pretty even I'd say.
.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sacre Beaulieu!
Anti-George Washington week continues!
Yesterday's point about greater, more recent Americans really struck close to home with a lot of people so I thought I'd continue with another example.
Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Mr. Emile Beaulieu. :
This great American presided as Mayor of Manchester, New Hampshire in the tumultuous years of 1982-83, was soundly defeated, then came back for more to navigate the murky political waters of New Hampshire's highest populated city.
According to my crack research**:
"During his first administration, he was involved in promoting the Amoskeag Millyard Urban Renewal Project and the development of Arms Park and Bass Island. Riverfest, an annual community festival, was revitalized during Beaulieu's tenure."
That's right loyal reader. Without Emile, he with a great American name, there would be no Riverfest. I was just thinking the other day, "What have I done for rivers lately?" Not enough. Well Emile here did something to change it, and how many coins and holidays do we have named after him? Exactly.
What else did he do during his tenure(s)? I'm glad you asked. Or at least I'm glad I assumed you asked and wrote that you did.
"During the latter part of the 1980s, Beaulieu visited Neustadt an der Weinstraße in Germany and Taichung in Taiwan, establishing sister city relationships between these two cities and Manchester."
Where would New Hampshire be today without having a city to call sister? Two sisters in fact. And what better cities than Taichung, where 85% of the worlds Happy Meal toys are conceived, and Neustadt an der Wiesagdsa, a place where I'm sure frankfurters are commonplace. Where would New Hampshire be without Emile Beaulieu? Most likely at the bottom of the ocean.
*Am 90% sure this is an actual picture of Emile Beaulieu
**Wikipedia
Yesterday's point about greater, more recent Americans really struck close to home with a lot of people so I thought I'd continue with another example.
Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Mr. Emile Beaulieu. :
 |
| * |
This great American presided as Mayor of Manchester, New Hampshire in the tumultuous years of 1982-83, was soundly defeated, then came back for more to navigate the murky political waters of New Hampshire's highest populated city.
According to my crack research**:
"During his first administration, he was involved in promoting the Amoskeag Millyard Urban Renewal Project and the development of Arms Park and Bass Island. Riverfest, an annual community festival, was revitalized during Beaulieu's tenure."
That's right loyal reader. Without Emile, he with a great American name, there would be no Riverfest. I was just thinking the other day, "What have I done for rivers lately?" Not enough. Well Emile here did something to change it, and how many coins and holidays do we have named after him? Exactly.
What else did he do during his tenure(s)? I'm glad you asked. Or at least I'm glad I assumed you asked and wrote that you did.
"During the latter part of the 1980s, Beaulieu visited Neustadt an der Weinstraße in Germany and Taichung in Taiwan, establishing sister city relationships between these two cities and Manchester."
Where would New Hampshire be today without having a city to call sister? Two sisters in fact. And what better cities than Taichung, where 85% of the worlds Happy Meal toys are conceived, and Neustadt an der Wiesagdsa, a place where I'm sure frankfurters are commonplace. Where would New Hampshire be without Emile Beaulieu? Most likely at the bottom of the ocean.
*Am 90% sure this is an actual picture of Emile Beaulieu
**Wikipedia
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Too Great of an American to Make us Waste Our Time Writing the Full "Edward"
I have the day off of work tomorrow for Presidents' day. Which really is the combination of Lincoln and Washington's birthdays. Instead of Presidents' day (like Father's day? Should we be letting Obama sleep in and get him some sort of boring practical gift he could just easily buy himself but probably didn't want it enough to bother?) shouldn't it be Lincshington's day? Or Washcoln? Or Georgeraham Lincwashton.
Going back to the idea of birthdays being silly because it's just another year of not dying: how silly is it that we are celebrating the birthday of someone who is already dead? If I ever get a day named after me, celebrate it on the day I did something really cool, not the day I was born. I did nothing there, in fact, that was all you mom. (as far as I know at least) Actually, if I ever get a holiday named after me, just make it the day after the Superbowl like everyone wants. Or put it in that big holiday-less gap in-between Presidents' day and memorial day. Like the day after St. Patrick's day.
You know what day Presidents' day falls on? Washington's birthday. Not Lincoln's. You know what? I give old Abe a hard time, but it's like a brother picks on his really dorky overachieving brother- out of love. Haven't we given Washington enough? Father of our country, (gross) and all, I get it. Jeez though, this guy has the dollar bill, the giant monument erected in his honor, the quarter, best of all coins, (give me a quarter, I love quarters!*), oh, and our nation's capital. Sidenote: Washington, District of Colombia? Huh? Can we take another country's name out of the city (district?) that's supposed to represent our entire country? .....Yeah, come to think of it, I thought cities were supposed to be capitals, and we have a district? Messed up if you ask me. And you know who I think was behind it all? George Washington. Enough's enough. And what have you done for me lately? I tell you what- why not have a holiday after great and more current American Ed Schafer?
Who is that, you ask?
Exactly.
He hasn't done enough for us to go all crazy over the guy, naming our doorknobs and jelly beans after him, like that greedy Washington.
But just to give you a rundown of his career highlights:
Governor of North Dakota from 1992-2000. That's right- his steady hand guided North Dakota through the most 90s period in the history of their entire state. North Dakota remained largely unaffected by both M.C. Hammer and the grunge movement, not to mention neon green.
-He also declined calls from Republican leaders to run for higher office, including that of then president George W. Bush. What better way to represent America than with complacency and/or laziness? Dear Peter Principle, In your face. Sincerely, Ed Schafer.
-Lastly on his surprisingly short list of accomplishments, Ed Schafer appeared in 2003 with his team, The High Flyers, as a contestant in the American TV Series Junkyard Wars.
*said in gypsy voice
Going back to the idea of birthdays being silly because it's just another year of not dying: how silly is it that we are celebrating the birthday of someone who is already dead? If I ever get a day named after me, celebrate it on the day I did something really cool, not the day I was born. I did nothing there, in fact, that was all you mom. (as far as I know at least) Actually, if I ever get a holiday named after me, just make it the day after the Superbowl like everyone wants. Or put it in that big holiday-less gap in-between Presidents' day and memorial day. Like the day after St. Patrick's day.
You know what day Presidents' day falls on? Washington's birthday. Not Lincoln's. You know what? I give old Abe a hard time, but it's like a brother picks on his really dorky overachieving brother- out of love. Haven't we given Washington enough? Father of our country, (gross) and all, I get it. Jeez though, this guy has the dollar bill, the giant monument erected in his honor, the quarter, best of all coins, (give me a quarter, I love quarters!*), oh, and our nation's capital. Sidenote: Washington, District of Colombia? Huh? Can we take another country's name out of the city (district?) that's supposed to represent our entire country? .....Yeah, come to think of it, I thought cities were supposed to be capitals, and we have a district? Messed up if you ask me. And you know who I think was behind it all? George Washington. Enough's enough. And what have you done for me lately? I tell you what- why not have a holiday after great and more current American Ed Schafer?
Who is that, you ask?
Exactly.
He hasn't done enough for us to go all crazy over the guy, naming our doorknobs and jelly beans after him, like that greedy Washington.
But just to give you a rundown of his career highlights:
Governor of North Dakota from 1992-2000. That's right- his steady hand guided North Dakota through the most 90s period in the history of their entire state. North Dakota remained largely unaffected by both M.C. Hammer and the grunge movement, not to mention neon green.
-He also declined calls from Republican leaders to run for higher office, including that of then president George W. Bush. What better way to represent America than with complacency and/or laziness? Dear Peter Principle, In your face. Sincerely, Ed Schafer.
-Lastly on his surprisingly short list of accomplishments, Ed Schafer appeared in 2003 with his team, The High Flyers, as a contestant in the American TV Series Junkyard Wars.
*said in gypsy voice
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Aw, French Toast!
The other day I was playing some pickup basketball at the park, and one of the people I was playing with was this Russian dude who every once in a while when he'd miss a shot or his guy would get by him would mutter "sugar!" under his breath as some sort of euphemism. The rest of us on the court thought it was pretty funny, so the rest of the game I said the following instead of swear words when I would miss a shot, my guy would score, or I'd let a ball get out of bounds:
(Picture these with the intonation of how you'd say a swear word...sort of like Jerry would say "Newman!" in Seinfeld)
"Cinnamon!"
"Nutmeg!"
"Sweet-N-Low!"
and my personal favorite:
"Creamy Nougat!"
.....needless to say, I lost the game.
(Picture these with the intonation of how you'd say a swear word...sort of like Jerry would say "Newman!" in Seinfeld)
"Cinnamon!"
"Nutmeg!"
"Sweet-N-Low!"
and my personal favorite:
"Creamy Nougat!"
.....needless to say, I lost the game.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Save the Doctors, Scientists, Mechanics, and Tim Gunn
While I'm sure it would be a real downer to live in a post-apocalyptic world, I don't understand why in all the movies, TV shows, comics, or any other media everyone dresses the way they do. Drab, drab, and more drab. It's like the nuke/plague/zombie infestation that wiped out all the people also wiped out all the colors but taupe.
I'm sure being one of the last bastions of hope for humanity is sad, but why make it even sadder with these expressionless colors? If it were me searching the world for any sort of hospitable human contact, you bet I would be doing it in a hawaiian shirt. Or at least a good looking powder blue. You know, spruce up the place a little.
I'm sure being one of the last bastions of hope for humanity is sad, but why make it even sadder with these expressionless colors? If it were me searching the world for any sort of hospitable human contact, you bet I would be doing it in a hawaiian shirt. Or at least a good looking powder blue. You know, spruce up the place a little.
 |
| Bo-ring! |
Monday, February 14, 2011
Creative Writing
In 6th grade I remember writing a story with my best friends for an assignment we had to do. The story was great- it had Garfield in it, the Animaniacs, Venom, a reference to some commercial that was on at the time- probably Koala Yummies- and I'm pretty sure they went to Chuck E Cheese. All of my friends and I knew it was the best thing anyone had put on paper. Who talked about this stuff in stories? Nobody, that's who. Kristina Whitmer was probably just writing about her stupid cat or her tip to Iowa. The Mundane? Not for us! We were topical, zany, and rife with inside jokes. I think Ren and Stimpy even made an appearance. The paper was pretty much a guaranteed A.
Mrs. Rolskie didn't think it was though. She said that we needed to develop more of a "story", and put more "detail" into our paper. Didn't she realize the significance of Garfield having a conversation with Donatello from the Ninja Turtles?? That wasn't something you got anywhere else.
Hey Mrs. Rolskie, I don't care how much character development and foreshadowing you have in your stories, or how many metaphors you can fit in- we were in 6th grade! I bet your stories never had any of their characters breaking out into song with the X-Men or putting Marty Dinkel into a trash can. Yeah, I know you were the teacher, and you probably couldn't write about putting Marty Dinkel into a trash can, him being in your class and all- but that's what would have made it that much cooler! Come on, we know you didn't like him either.
Anyway, I know it's 20 some-odd years later, and this might seem kind of petty, so I just wanted to say that I forgive you. I know you were just doing what you thought was your job, and heck- you probably didn't even watch the Animaniacs- as hard as that was for us to fathom. So Mrs. Rolskie- you're off the hook. Godspeed.
Oh, and I set your bushes on fire last weekend.
Mrs. Rolskie didn't think it was though. She said that we needed to develop more of a "story", and put more "detail" into our paper. Didn't she realize the significance of Garfield having a conversation with Donatello from the Ninja Turtles?? That wasn't something you got anywhere else.
Hey Mrs. Rolskie, I don't care how much character development and foreshadowing you have in your stories, or how many metaphors you can fit in- we were in 6th grade! I bet your stories never had any of their characters breaking out into song with the X-Men or putting Marty Dinkel into a trash can. Yeah, I know you were the teacher, and you probably couldn't write about putting Marty Dinkel into a trash can, him being in your class and all- but that's what would have made it that much cooler! Come on, we know you didn't like him either.
Anyway, I know it's 20 some-odd years later, and this might seem kind of petty, so I just wanted to say that I forgive you. I know you were just doing what you thought was your job, and heck- you probably didn't even watch the Animaniacs- as hard as that was for us to fathom. So Mrs. Rolskie- you're off the hook. Godspeed.
Oh, and I set your bushes on fire last weekend.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Another Night in the 5th: Homicide
It was pouring rain outside. The night was darker than usual, but just as cold as it's been all month. Unforgiving. Detective McNally paused at his doorstep to get out his keys, the rain soaking through his coat, he could feel his shirt clinging to his skin now, another perfect ending in his string of perfect days. His keys jammed in the bottom lock as usual, so he pulled the door in tight before giving the lock a brutal turn. The way he solved all his problems. Finally getting inside he flipped his shoes off letting them fall wherever they may, hardwood floors be damned. He was just renting anyway- and with this case he was working on, wouldn't matter much come next year when the lease was up; he'd probably be dead.
His gun felt heavier than usual when pulling it out of his holster. Maybe this was from everything going down in the department, maybe it wasn't. But he knew Major Starks wanted the thugs that killed that witness brought to justice one way or the other, and McNally wasn't about to give up his badge when he was only 11 months away from getting full pension- for his family. Even if they all moved out, they were all he had left.
He thought about that latest victim- the way her eyes looked straight up at him but still managed to stare nowhere at all and he thought about what mattered most to him in his life- what mattered most right now, today, on this day. He went to the kitchen, pulled out his bottle of Jameson and his glass, and the main course. The stuff that got him out of bed, that made this life worth living. His candy hearts. "Urs Forever". They certainly were. "Will u be mine". I certainly will, he thought. Nothing came between McNally and his candy hearts. "Real Lov" one said- he knew it was "Love", the E was just faded a little bit- a lot of them had messages that were incomplete or faded, but his desire for those chalky, not too sweet, not too hard treats never would.
Happy Valentines Day everyone!!
His gun felt heavier than usual when pulling it out of his holster. Maybe this was from everything going down in the department, maybe it wasn't. But he knew Major Starks wanted the thugs that killed that witness brought to justice one way or the other, and McNally wasn't about to give up his badge when he was only 11 months away from getting full pension- for his family. Even if they all moved out, they were all he had left.
He thought about that latest victim- the way her eyes looked straight up at him but still managed to stare nowhere at all and he thought about what mattered most to him in his life- what mattered most right now, today, on this day. He went to the kitchen, pulled out his bottle of Jameson and his glass, and the main course. The stuff that got him out of bed, that made this life worth living. His candy hearts. "Urs Forever". They certainly were. "Will u be mine". I certainly will, he thought. Nothing came between McNally and his candy hearts. "Real Lov" one said- he knew it was "Love", the E was just faded a little bit- a lot of them had messages that were incomplete or faded, but his desire for those chalky, not too sweet, not too hard treats never would.
Happy Valentines Day everyone!!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Viking Response
Hello loyal reader,
I received an overwhelming response to yesterday's viking post, but one stood out among (amongst?) the others, I hope he doesn't mind, but I thought I would share with you all:
Dear NJM,
Thank you for your insightful blog post on Vikings. I have long been thinking the same thing. It was humorous and insightful, and hit an area close to my heart. You see, I am a samurai. That's right, from feudal Japan. Although some might say "futile" Japan these days. Why? For the same reasons those very Vikings you mentioned yesterday are probably very sad. All these years we've been training, riding around on cool horses, fighting each other with sticks to practice for fighting with our awesome swords, while who gets all the popularity these days? Ninjas! Yeah, ALLLL the kids think Ninjas are super "radical", while what are we? Just guys with funny looking shoulder pads? It's not fair! We are the ones who have honor! Ninjas won't even show their own faces- in fact, most of them became ninjas because they couldn't grow any facial hair- as opposed to our super manly/cool fu man chus. Yet Ninjas are the ones who get all the publicity- the toys, the movies, the internet jokes....while samurai? What do samurai get? Tom Cruise. Anyway, I'm glad you understand our plight.
Domo arigato,
A Samurai
I received an overwhelming response to yesterday's viking post, but one stood out among (amongst?) the others, I hope he doesn't mind, but I thought I would share with you all:
Dear NJM,
Thank you for your insightful blog post on Vikings. I have long been thinking the same thing. It was humorous and insightful, and hit an area close to my heart. You see, I am a samurai. That's right, from feudal Japan. Although some might say "futile" Japan these days. Why? For the same reasons those very Vikings you mentioned yesterday are probably very sad. All these years we've been training, riding around on cool horses, fighting each other with sticks to practice for fighting with our awesome swords, while who gets all the popularity these days? Ninjas! Yeah, ALLLL the kids think Ninjas are super "radical", while what are we? Just guys with funny looking shoulder pads? It's not fair! We are the ones who have honor! Ninjas won't even show their own faces- in fact, most of them became ninjas because they couldn't grow any facial hair- as opposed to our super manly/cool fu man chus. Yet Ninjas are the ones who get all the publicity- the toys, the movies, the internet jokes....while samurai? What do samurai get? Tom Cruise. Anyway, I'm glad you understand our plight.
Domo arigato,
A Samurai
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Stop Discrimination Now
On a scale of 1 to 10, I wonder how upset Vikings are that pirates got all the buzz in the centuries old despicable criminals that were glorified when they should have been vilified category.
Vikings have:
-Cool dragons on the front of their ships instead of lame mermaids.
-Way better beards
-No annoying parrots
-Had the kraken ripped off from them by pirates and the greeks lately- come up with your own tentacled sea beasts guys!
-Actually been much cleaner than pirates, in fact, Vikings were known to bathe more than most people and were frequently combing their hair. It's true. Look it up.
-Thor and Odin- all pirates had were some guy who lived in a locker. Lame!
-Better nicknames. Pirate nicknames involved looking at what color someone's beard was. Vikings had nicknames like "Ivar the Boneless", "Sven Forkbeard", and "Cnut the Great". See? There were even rapping pirates, C-Nut's album is dope yo!
-Cooler hats than Pirates
vs.
And if you think about it, Vikings have the word "king" in their name even! What do Pirates have? That's right, "rat". Coincidence? Yes. But kings are way cooler than rats. Ask the rat king.
While Pirates did have the unbeatable "arrrrrr!", we don't know what vikings used as their catch phrase, so we can make up whatever we want, things like "More mead for Olaf!" or "Pelts are neat".
So how do we make it up to Vikings? While a theme-park ride would be the logical place to start, I think instead we should just be kinder to Vikings. The next time you see one, give them a friendly smile instead of running away in fear that they may pillage you or your hut.
Vikings have:
-Cool dragons on the front of their ships instead of lame mermaids.
-Way better beards
-No annoying parrots
-Had the kraken ripped off from them by pirates and the greeks lately- come up with your own tentacled sea beasts guys!
-Actually been much cleaner than pirates, in fact, Vikings were known to bathe more than most people and were frequently combing their hair. It's true. Look it up.
-Thor and Odin- all pirates had were some guy who lived in a locker. Lame!
-Better nicknames. Pirate nicknames involved looking at what color someone's beard was. Vikings had nicknames like "Ivar the Boneless", "Sven Forkbeard", and "Cnut the Great". See? There were even rapping pirates, C-Nut's album is dope yo!
-Cooler hats than Pirates
vs.
And if you think about it, Vikings have the word "king" in their name even! What do Pirates have? That's right, "rat". Coincidence? Yes. But kings are way cooler than rats. Ask the rat king.
While Pirates did have the unbeatable "arrrrrr!", we don't know what vikings used as their catch phrase, so we can make up whatever we want, things like "More mead for Olaf!" or "Pelts are neat".
So how do we make it up to Vikings? While a theme-park ride would be the logical place to start, I think instead we should just be kinder to Vikings. The next time you see one, give them a friendly smile instead of running away in fear that they may pillage you or your hut.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Scene at the Evening News
GENE: Hey Tom?
TOM: Yeah Gene?
GENE: Great show tonight.
TOM: Thanks Gene. Have a good night.
GENE: A-Tom- hang on a sec.
TOM: Yeah, what is it Gene? We had a great show. Didn't slip up once.
GENE: No, I know, it's just that.
TOM: What is it Gene, I delivered the news, what more of a problem could there be? it's a simple job.
GENE: When you say "On a lighter note..."
TOM: Yeah....
GENE: Well, we don't really need that.
TOM: ....
GENE: We know that a granny setting up a kisses booth at the fair is lighter than the bear attack. We don't need the setup.
TOM: Maybe I didn't know that.
GENE: (sigh) Tom...
TOM: Maybe there are some people out there who hate grannies. Yeah! And they need to be told to let their guard down, and that it's wrong- it's just dead wrong to hate grannies.
GENE: Nobody needs you to tell them that.
TOM: I hate Grannies Gene!
GENE: ...Tom?
TOM: I HATE THEM. Leave some action for the rest of us, right?
GENE: Tom, maybe you should go and get some rest...
TOM: And maybe YOU should go eat a pixie stick!
GENE: ....
TOM: Yeah, I couldn't think of anything else...it doesn't mean anything.
GENE: Tom....
TOM: No....I'm sorry Gene, you're right. What else can I say?
GENE: This next story will button your mittens!
TOM: For everything?
GENE: Yes.
TOM: Gene?
GENE: Yes?
TOM: I have to tell you something.
GENE: What is it Tom?
TOM: Mama Bea isn't your real grandmother. I am.
TOM: Yeah Gene?
GENE: Great show tonight.
TOM: Thanks Gene. Have a good night.
GENE: A-Tom- hang on a sec.
TOM: Yeah, what is it Gene? We had a great show. Didn't slip up once.
GENE: No, I know, it's just that.
TOM: What is it Gene, I delivered the news, what more of a problem could there be? it's a simple job.
GENE: When you say "On a lighter note..."
TOM: Yeah....
GENE: Well, we don't really need that.
TOM: ....
GENE: We know that a granny setting up a kisses booth at the fair is lighter than the bear attack. We don't need the setup.
TOM: Maybe I didn't know that.
GENE: (sigh) Tom...
TOM: Maybe there are some people out there who hate grannies. Yeah! And they need to be told to let their guard down, and that it's wrong- it's just dead wrong to hate grannies.
GENE: Nobody needs you to tell them that.
TOM: I hate Grannies Gene!
GENE: ...Tom?
TOM: I HATE THEM. Leave some action for the rest of us, right?
GENE: Tom, maybe you should go and get some rest...
TOM: And maybe YOU should go eat a pixie stick!
GENE: ....
TOM: Yeah, I couldn't think of anything else...it doesn't mean anything.
GENE: Tom....
TOM: No....I'm sorry Gene, you're right. What else can I say?
GENE: This next story will button your mittens!
TOM: For everything?
GENE: Yes.
TOM: Gene?
GENE: Yes?
TOM: I have to tell you something.
GENE: What is it Tom?
TOM: Mama Bea isn't your real grandmother. I am.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Super Wonderblog! The Highly Rated Fantastic Blog of Choice
Well sports fans, another football season is in the books- or as the kids are calling them these days "inter-mails" (that's what they're using instead of books, right?)
That means the Super Bowl was just finished. This may come as a shock to many of you, but I really like the Super Bowl. Although it's not like I have much of a choice. How could you not like anything that has "Super" in front of it? Back when it was just called the "Meh. Bowl" I don't think anyone cared. I'm sure if ratings should ever start to decline (heaven forbid!) they'll just add a "fantastic" in there somewhere.
I really enjoyed the game though. Proof?
Yeah that's right. I'm cutting edge. New Reese's minis, Chili Cheese Ruffles and Coke Zero. The prototypical modern man. And doesn't hurt to have a couple classics "Cool Ranch" Doritos, and some stuffed crust pizza hut. And for desert? Diabetes and high cholesterol! Mmmm.
Things I also enjoyed about the game:
Christina Aguilera thinking she could make up for leaving out half the National Anthem by holding out the last note for the length of the verses she skipped.
Doritos (hallowed be thy name) incredibly awful commercials, and the fact they spent millions on them.
The Black Eyed Peas borrowing some of the Chinese from the '08 Olympic opening ceremonies. (Although where were the drums? Come on.)
Wanting to barf afterward- that means you ate your money's worth- really what the Superbowl is all about.
The shot of John Madden staring at his cell phone as if someone just explained the concept of texting to him for the first time.
The Puppy Bowl being mentioned no less than 5 times throughout the day.
Fighting with all of my willpower to avoid the typical 3rd quarter "post 1st half snacks halftime pizza" nap that seems to always take over during a slow part of the game. Stayed awake! In your face stomach! Trying to knock me out to gain extra energy to digest all that junk. Showed you.
That the Superbowl is slowly making its move to overtake Thanksgiving as America's unifying tradition that people gather together to eat and celebrate over. I highly anticipate the day when schools are teaching children how John Elway sailed across the Deleware to discover America and break bread with the Chiefs and Redskins.
Oh yeah, and I think there was some game on. I liked that too.
That means the Super Bowl was just finished. This may come as a shock to many of you, but I really like the Super Bowl. Although it's not like I have much of a choice. How could you not like anything that has "Super" in front of it? Back when it was just called the "Meh. Bowl" I don't think anyone cared. I'm sure if ratings should ever start to decline (heaven forbid!) they'll just add a "fantastic" in there somewhere.
I really enjoyed the game though. Proof?
 |
Things I also enjoyed about the game:
Christina Aguilera thinking she could make up for leaving out half the National Anthem by holding out the last note for the length of the verses she skipped.
Doritos (hallowed be thy name) incredibly awful commercials, and the fact they spent millions on them.
The Black Eyed Peas borrowing some of the Chinese from the '08 Olympic opening ceremonies. (Although where were the drums? Come on.)
Wanting to barf afterward- that means you ate your money's worth- really what the Superbowl is all about.
The shot of John Madden staring at his cell phone as if someone just explained the concept of texting to him for the first time.
 |
| What's a TEXTER? |
Fighting with all of my willpower to avoid the typical 3rd quarter "post 1st half snacks halftime pizza" nap that seems to always take over during a slow part of the game. Stayed awake! In your face stomach! Trying to knock me out to gain extra energy to digest all that junk. Showed you.
That the Superbowl is slowly making its move to overtake Thanksgiving as America's unifying tradition that people gather together to eat and celebrate over. I highly anticipate the day when schools are teaching children how John Elway sailed across the Deleware to discover America and break bread with the Chiefs and Redskins.
Oh yeah, and I think there was some game on. I liked that too.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Jared is Probably Spinning in his Grave
You know what Mr. Hot Shot "I went to Stanford and am wearing a Stanford hat 40 years after I graduated and live in Palo Alto and am probably super rich"? The Subway lady was really happy her Subway sandwich was only 5 dollars, so when she asked you how great of a deal it was, you could have just said it was a great deal instead of complaining about the chips being too expensive. What did you think, she was going to get her CEO on the phone and have Subway knock down the price of potato chips? Just smile and say "Yeah! What a great deal!" or at least nod your head. It sucked watching the grin fade from her face while you waltzed out into your Mercedes.
Don't worry though, I complimented her pizza flavored Doritos and we had a good laugh at the fact that you waltzed out the door instead of walking.
Don't worry though, I complimented her pizza flavored Doritos and we had a good laugh at the fact that you waltzed out the door instead of walking.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Meet Bat-Tholomew
You know what really flaps my wings? When people say bats are flying rats! Ay, I'm from New York, I know a thing or two about rats you know what I'm sayin'? Hold on, I gotta get down to 5th avenue to do some fancy shopping ayyyy! You know I'm the best bat from the Nor East, and if you don't think so- then ayy who cares I'm from New York! Everything's done in a New York minute here, so my in-your face attitude is so in-your face, you'll never get me outta your face! Your friends will start calling you bat face probably, and you'll order license plates that say "BTFACE" and then your friends will start calling you butt face! HA! New York sense of humor right there, fuggedah bout it!!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
When I Dance, I Don't Bust a Move, I Bust ALL of Them
Bananas sure have an enticing quality! And I can peel you. If only there was some way to combine the two thoughts...
I wonder what Winston Churchill would think about the guy playing him in "The King's Speech" also being the guy who turned into the rat in Harry Potter.
Powermax: Your brand of batteries did not have the maximum amount of power, as your name would imply. So unless a guy named Max makes all the batteries, you should be ashamed of yourselves. And even then, it should be called "Maxpowered"
It's too bad Indiana Jones didn't hate whales instead. It probably would have made his adventures a lot easier on him.
I'm suspicious of pretzel bread that is not in the shape of a pretzel.
I think my favorite college name has to be "Osmania University". I'm bummed I didn't go to a college with "mania" in the title. "Burritomania University"
Look Princess Jasmine, I hate to break it to you, but you are NOT like a shooting star. You can, in fact, go back to where you used to be. Whereas a shooting star is incapable of doing so.
Grilled Cheese, if you were a person, I would eat you. That might get a little awkward for both of us though, so let's just keep things the way they are.
I wonder what Winston Churchill would think about the guy playing him in "The King's Speech" also being the guy who turned into the rat in Harry Potter.
Powermax: Your brand of batteries did not have the maximum amount of power, as your name would imply. So unless a guy named Max makes all the batteries, you should be ashamed of yourselves. And even then, it should be called "Maxpowered"
It's too bad Indiana Jones didn't hate whales instead. It probably would have made his adventures a lot easier on him.
I'm suspicious of pretzel bread that is not in the shape of a pretzel.
I think my favorite college name has to be "Osmania University". I'm bummed I didn't go to a college with "mania" in the title. "Burritomania University"
Look Princess Jasmine, I hate to break it to you, but you are NOT like a shooting star. You can, in fact, go back to where you used to be. Whereas a shooting star is incapable of doing so.
Grilled Cheese, if you were a person, I would eat you. That might get a little awkward for both of us though, so let's just keep things the way they are.
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