Double N Double S. Gotta Remember That Somehow.

THINGS I DO NOT LIKE:

- That I am made up of 60% water.  That's a lot of water to be sloshin' around with.

-The bird that happened to...relieve himself in the middle of his day while flying around....right on my car.  I'm very glad humans use a separate room and don't do things like birds.

-Being thirsty, drinking a ton of water, then STILL being thirsty, only your stomach is entirely full now.  (and then you're made up of at least 67% water)

-Waiting at stop lights.  Come onnn there's nobody else there...just let me go!  Just ME.  I won't tell anyone, I promise.

-My coworker had some trail mix today that was named "Wild West Trail Mix".  It was compromised of a couple various nuts, raisins, and M&Ms.  That's a combo that makes me think of saloons, gunfights, and ridin' horses.

-Any morning DJs.  Having your voice travel to both ends of the pitch spectrum during each word does not = wackiness.

-Putting on a shirt I thought was going to fit me still but didn't.  And not being able to find a way to blame the shirt.

-Duckbilled dinosaurs.  Do you realize how many other cool dinosaurs there are out there, and all you're giving me is a duck bill?  So lame.

-Murders.  Totally unnecessary.

-Spelling the word "unnecessary".  Split up double combo- not a fan.

Potter, or "and the Hendersons"?

I was just shaving, because hair on my neck is not acceptable.
The point where the chin meets the neck is where everything changes, and it becomes acceptable again.
But not to everyone.
If you keep going up the face, you'll get to the top of the head, where you're expected to have hair.  Except where you possibly can't help it, on the top of your scalp, in which case, you might be encouraged to get rid of all your hair.
And women, there is not to be ANY hair on your arms or legs.  But we expect hair on your heads.  Lots of it.  More hair!  We can't get enough hair!!  Just not anywhere below the eyebrows.

What were you eating under there?

I know the humorous observation has been made many times that men do not like to throw away their underwear until it would scatter into many particles like a dandelion if you blew on it- (by Jerry Seinfeld, I think) but what hasn't really been talked about (at least to my recollection) is why us men are so loyal to our underpants.  I have socks that are pretty old, but once they get holes in them, it's into the trash- there's nothing special about a smelly old sock.  And I have undershirts that are over 10 years old, but once it gets worn- out the door it goes.  The point is- I do not think this underwear stockpiling is a symptom of laziness, otherwise we'd all be walking around in socks and undershirts down to the thread.
Then what is it?
I'm not sure, and I'm not sure that any man wants to travel that deep into his psyche.  All I'd like to point out from this study is that ladies- be it moms, concerned girlfriends, or disgusted wives, think twice about throwing away your favorite man's unmentionables.  You aren't fully aware of the consequences, and neither, I think, are we.

LOOZER WUZ HERE

I was out at a fine Mexican restaurant today and had to use the restroom.  After resting, I decided to use the urinal.  While there, I noticed some stiffly written letters scrawled together to from what I'm assuming must have been some sort of note to the next weary traveler to go into the "los hombres" room:

HOZTESS W/ DA MOSTESS

I think people are fascinating- especially what they are thinking, so naturally, I was led to wonder what the person was thinking when they were in front of a urinal and became possessed to carve "Hoztess w/ da mostess" into the wall.  Were they telling us to tip our waitress extra?  Was this some sort of Hostess cupcake/other delicious dessert lover?  Did the "Z" mean anything?  Did they need to use "w/" and "da" instead of "with" and "the" because they were in danger and out of time?  Or was their stream coming to an end and they knew a couple words ahead of time?

Captivated by this nomad's message to his fellow man, I went back to my table of coworkers and regaled them with the archeological find I had made.
Apparently, there is never any sort of writing in women's restrooms, I was informed by my female coworkers.  At first, I thought how sad I was for them, that they would be deprived of extra reading material.  But then it made sense.   Women get to rest.  But if there is no newspaper or television around to entertain us males while using a urinal, what else is to be expected of us?  We can't just stand there!

Indifferent Birthday To You

Office birthdays:
Gotta go.

I really don't think anyone in my office cares that it's anyone else's birthday- I think birthday parties are fun- and everyone gathering in the break room forced to eat cake and make conversation for 20 minutes only to have to go back to your desk and sit with your sugar rush is not a party.

Any word besides party that you might want to associate with it would be incorrect as well: "celebration", "show of appreciation".  It's really more of an acknowledgment.  "We thought of you enough to remember the day you were born, and to prove this here is a dessert."

I wish I had the money to hire a clown- not so much to entertain me directly, but to entertain me by seeing the reactions of everyone else at an anonymous clown showing up for the mid-50s mid-level manager's low-excitement level party.

My Last Blog Post Ever.

Hello all.
Unfortunately, this is going to be my last blog.

Because I've thought of an idea that's going to make me rich and famous.  A comedy concept that is flat out brilliant.

You see, there will be this character, he will be male- and he will need to carry more things than he can put in his pockets, so he will purchase a European Carryall. 
The funny part IS- wait for it- that everyone ELSE will think he's carrying- wait for it again- a PURSE!!  His friends will make fun of him for carrying what they call a purse, but he will protest- "It's a CARRYALL!"- that's the part that's funny- and it gets even better!  WOMEN will make fun of him as well- emasculating him for carrying a purse, which is something that only women carry!!  Again this character will proclaim "It's a CARRYALL!" only this time he'll throw his arms up in exasperation!  Everyone in the audience will laugh because it is funny to see other people look stupid and men will feel more manly and therefore feel better about themselves while laughing at this foppish fool.
I know that this concept is 100% original and has never been done before, so those of you who are reading this, please do not steal my idea and go to Hollywood before I can.  Honestly, I shouldn't even be posting this on the internet, but I guess this way I can document that I had the idea before anyone else.

Look- here's a picture of her from 7 years ago!

This is a public service announcement- and a warning.

Women are getting smarter, they're evolving.  No longer does a female tell you about her less than attractive friend by saying they're "spunky" or they have a "great personality".  Those are obvious giveways that they know we know by now.  They've even moved on from answering the question of her attractiveness by saying "I think she's attractive....".
No longer.  Now, no matter what, the girlfriend she has is "super cute".  We have no idea what we're getting anymore guys, "super cute" could mean anything from knockout to wildebeast. 
Just stop setting us up with people ladies, and even if you're not setting us up- it's ok to admit your friend isn't just as attractive as movie star X.
Or at the least do what us guys do and shrug your shoulders and play dumb.  Or be offended at even being asked the question of another women's attractiveness.  That's much better.

QUEENSBRIDGE!!

Wooo!  What a day.  As a sports fan, there's nothing better than your favorite team beating the team you hate the most for a championship.  And that's what happened tonight when the LA Lakers beat the Boston Celtics.  I'm so pumped, that in grand Los Angeles sports fan tradition, I've already lit 6 cars on fire.
The MVP of the night might have been Ron Artest, who gave one of my favorite post game interviews, the reporter asked a question, which Ron completely ignored and then rattled off no less than 35 people he'd like to thank all without breathing.  He then proceeded to climb to the top of the Staples Center rafters and devour his socks.
It's amazing to be a Laker fan, the team having won 5 championships in the past 10 years.  I take much pride and feel great satisfaction for living closer to them than another team and by default having them be my favorite NBA franchise.
Thank you, thank you.

And I would like to thank my family, my old dog Cosmo, the Laker flags on my car, the pizza I had for dinner, myrightcouchcushionandeverybutterflywhaledinosaurandhedgehogthateverlived!!

Microwave to your Grandmother little Timmy

I had a microwave dinner tonight.  No, I did not eat a microwave, I sent waves of energy at a frequency which "irritated" the molecules in my food enough to eat them.  Your mouth watering yet?
But I don't care.  While you organic apologists were out healthing it up, taking the time to shop for groceries, prepare a meal, and clean up your dishes afterword, I was throwing my plastic plate in the trash, watching Spain vs. Switzerland that I already knew the result of so I got bored after 5 minutes and turned it off, reading about a new piece of technology that I don't need, and thinking about how I need to do my laundry but not doing it.  Boy do you feel like you wasted your time!

On a related note, people who use the microwave and leave time on the clock need to stop doing that.  You're disrupting the very fabric of spacetime by not letting the timer run out!!  And with radiation no less.  We're all going to be a bunch of hulks walking around soon.

GOOOOOOALLLLLLL!

I find it very funny that the United States of America has the audacity to call what the rest of the world calls "football" "soccer".  So what if you kick the ball with your foot and can't touch it any other way?  We're calling it what we want BECAUSE WE CAN.
Another fun thing about American sports is the USA chant.  U-S-A!!  U-S-A!!  U-S-A!! is the easiest chant to get a group of thoughtless people chanting.  Go ahead and try it.  And thank me later.  Don't really, because I won't remember what you're thanking me for, and it's not really something I want a "thank you" for.  Maybe just an acknowledgment of correctness.
Soccer can be a frustrating sport though, as sometimes a sneeze will knock another player off of his feet in an attempt to draw a foul, and minutes can go by with a few players playing what is the equivalent of a leisurely game of catch with each other just passing the ball back and forth.  It's the only sport I can think of where you can show replays DURING play and not miss anything. And the games can end in a 0-0 tie.  Nothing changes between the start of the game, and the end.
I do enjoy soccer though, the chanting/singing from the crowd, sliding on your knees, importance placed on every goal, and funny hair.

An Ode to the 2010 World Cup in Africa

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Dinosaurs playing video games?

I would love to be a sports telecast producer.  How fun would it be to pick the songs that are played when going to commercial, and what clips?
Like tonight, when the producer decided to play dramatic synthesized music over a SUPER slo-mo replay of an annoying player named "Big Baby" sticking out his tongue and yelling like a dinosaur until drool came out of his mouth.  He looked completely ridiculous doing this in the first place, but it lasted twice as long on the replay.  I'm glad people can't do that with the silly things I do in my life.  Like when I went to put my headset on today and hit myself in the face with it.

Separately,

I wonder what life would be like if video games always existed.  The idea of George Washington not being able to cross the Delaware because he was too wrapped up in finding every single warp zone in Super Mario Brothers slays me.
Which is probably why I thought Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure was such a good movie.

Party on Wayne!  .....or whatever they said.

We have to go baaaaack!

It's been a few weeks, but I thought I'd blog about the ending of the tv show LOST.  Already, I've lost 90% of the 2 people who are probably reading this.  (there's someone who was in a terrible accident and is just a head on a broomstick with wheels and a pincher claw old people use to get cans from high shelves)  I loved the show, and would admit to being a full-on nerd, but I won't fanboy it up right now- I'll just write about how strange it must be to create something so polarizing, but so popular.  Everyone I know who watched the show LOVED it, and everyone else thought it was as big of a waste of time as girls my age think video games and fantasy sports are.  I had a friend who stopped watching the show because he "thought it was ridiculous" so when he asked me what happened at the end I just said "everybody died" and left it at that.


On another note,

Earlier today I thought about how stupid of a name "facebook" was.  It's not a book.  It's on the internet.  Then I thought it might be fun to write a blog only containing all the other things I could think of that had really stupid names.  Football was the only other word I could think of.  Oh!  I thought of headphones just now while I was writing my other list.  Headphones are not phones.  Rainbows, too.  Not bows made of rain.

There are a lot of words with great names, however.

1. Oranges
2. Waterfall
3. Hedge Trimmers
4. Quarters
5. Your kneecap
6. Calculators
7. Tyrannosaurus Rex (Latin for "Tyrant Lizard King")
8. Newspapers
9. Apple Juice
10. Toothbrush

Nostalgie

It sure is a shame when you go back to watch or read something that you loved as a kid and it's terrible.  This happens all too often.  The example I tend to point people towards is the Smurfs.  Apparently back in the early 80s describing a cherry pie as "Smurfalicious" and made with "tender smurf and care" made for riveting entertainment.  I never understood what Gargamel wanted out of those Smurfs either.  Did he want to eat them?  Or was he planning on capturing them for monetary gain?  Like as a traveling street show.  I would pay good (5 dollars) money to see the writer's room for that show...how could a bunch of adults sit together and think of this stuff?
"OK, so....the one smurf says something to the other smurf about smurfing around and.....they learn a lesson.  Oh, and Gargamel is Smurfed."  Come to think of it, why can't I get a job like that? 
I also assume, since the show took place in Medieval times, that Smurfs were wiped out right around then and never made into the 20th century.  Probably bubonic plague.

The impetus for writing this blog was Garfield.  I don't know what made me say it, but I used the phrase "Aarrrgh!" in my daily life, and it made me think about how terrible Garfield was.  He was a cat who ate too much, and was a jerk to his owner and fellow pet dog.  That was every single Garfield cartoon ever made.  And there has to be over 30 books by now. (a quick check of Amazon says there's 51)
Yikes.

I thank Garfield and the Smurfs for pleasuring my feeble child mind, but also point at them with scorn for insulting my powerful adult brain.

Even Cookie Monster devoured cookies to the Masterpiece Theatre theme music every once in a while.

I've been logged as "water". ...waterlogged? eh? eh?? eh.

I went swimming this weekend, something I loved to do before I was an adult.
Then suddenly, I got a job and swimming wasn't fun anymore.  I'm not sure how that works.  But after slathering on smelly cold sunscreen (and still getting burned anyway because I missed a spot on my shoulder) I put on my only remaining pair of board shorts that fit anymore- ones that had that weird net in them instead of underwear or nothing....and why a net?  What am I trying to capture?  Or keep from escaping?  The net always has and always will be unsettling to me.  And when did it happen that a bathingsuit turned into a swim suit that turned into swim tunks that turned into board shorts?  I was not consulted on any of these name changes, and they've all happened within my lifetime!  Anyway, after that harrowing ordeal, I took the plunge.  And immediately jumped into what must have been a vat of chlorine because my eyes felt like I had been the one kid in Chemistry class who needed that weird looking thing that washes your eyes out but looks like an oxygen mask for a ventriloquist dummy.  After somehow retaining my vision, my hearing was the next sense to be assaulted as my ears became immediately clogged.  This never happened when I was younger, but now whenever I go swimming I can't hear out of one ear for at least the next day.  Maybe responsibility makes you retain water.  After eating dinner and singing happy birthday (which I was very much on key for seeing as I was able to do the equivalent of putting my hand over my ear while I was singing, only this time it was water inside of it) I went to get some magic potion at Target that "clears your ears of water"!  Too good to be true!  As I was following the instructions and tipping the bottle over to drop this wizard's fix into my ears I was thinking "Hmm...The fact there's water in my ears is bugging the heck out of me, maybe I shouldn't be pouring more liquid in right now...".  Of course, the whole hour it took to get home every band on the radio sounded like my neighbors three doors down attempting to cover 20 year old songs in their garage.  Thankfully, I jerked my head around like an idiot just enough to regain some audio.  Ahhh....summer!!

Crows

Crows are jerks a lot of the time.  I mean, who do they think they are, anyway?  There's even an expression, "crowing" where a person makes a fool of themselves hooting and hollering about something they've done.  Seriously, what have you ever done that was so great, crow?
It's also too bad that eating crow is something you do when you're wrong.  Maybe we should use crow eating as positive reinforcement on our children, like giving a dog a piece of bacon when it learns a new trick.
Speaking of hooting, don't get me started on owls!

TECH SUPPOOOOORRRRT

So tonight I had the pleasure of logging on to my computer, only to find 80% of my bookmarks or "favorites" had disappeared. That's right, they pulled a Houdini. Fortunately, this was a problem that multiple other users have had before me. Unfortunately, the solutions presented to me did not work. I find this happening frequently with computers, and it's quite frustrating. Not only because it's preventing me from doing a simple task, but mostly because there is no rhyme or reason whatsoever. If I ate a cheesecake every day for dinner and had a heart attack and diabetes years later, it would be tragic that my body broke, but not unexpected. If I never put water in my car, it would probably overheat, but I would know why. This doesn't happen with computers. This is like me waking up one morning and not having an arm or going downstairs to find that suddenly my car is in someone else's garage.

OK, it's not exactly like that since my computer itself didn't move to another location, but hopefully you get the idea, and are accepting of the fact that I was trying to present a more comical situation than a realistic one, and I'm very tired because my boss apparently likes to keep the thermostat for her office set on "nap" and I had a 3 hour meeting in there which took every ounce of willpower I posses to stay awake.

How will I solve this technical problem? I can't. The main reason is that I lack the technical knowledge. But a lesser, yet equally important problem is I cannot punch the internet. When my cell phone, car stereo, or even PC itself isn't working, an old bonk-slap-punch combo usually does the trick. Alas though, the internet is not tangible- and even if it were, I bet my punch would go right through it, due to its probable net-like properties.

And so it begins....

Welcome. I hope this Blog finds you well. If this Blog ever should spring to life and come looking for you that is.
I'm glad you've chosen to read my blog, and I'm also glad you've decided to start with this first post, because that means you like having everything lined up nice and neat. This means you are an overachiever. Congratulations.

Now, a few questions you may have.
Who am I?
Just a guy in his late 20s living in Southern California.
What is this blog's intended purpose?
None, really. I'd like to talk about a lot of things, mostly what's currently on my mind, but I'll throw some movies, sports, TV and book semi-reviews in as well.
How often do you intend on updating this Highly Rated Blog?
I hope to update it every night, but best laid plans and all that eh? Hopefully I can avoid the curse of the blog by not posting something for a week and a half straight only to have my next post a month and a half later saying something along the lines of "Oops, I keep meaning to come on here and write a lot more, but we've been really busy lately!"
I haven't told anyone about this blog, and I don't intend to unless I keep up with it, so hopefully Mom, if you're reading this, it's because I've been very diligent.
Your aspirations for this blog are to have your Mom read it?
That is correct. I'm often accused of being overambitious. My apologies if it comes across in my writing.
Please explain what or who your Blog is highly rated by.
The blog gods.
Why are you having trouble deciding whether or not to capitalize "Blog"?
I'm not quite sure.

-So there you have it. Another fact of note: ("Fact of note"??)
Today I was thinking about starting a new blog, and hours later my mind wandered to my Blog's title. I've started other blogs, and actually had conversations with friends and family on what to name theirs. Usually the name decided upon falls somewhere in-between over-thought and complete failure. However, within seconds of thinking about it, I was struck by a bolt of inspiration: I will name my blog "Blah Blah Blog"! It's very clever, and speaks to the intended rambling nature of my posts! Hurrying home, I typed in "blah blah blog" into google, only to find that I was just as clever as 2 other pages of people before me. And somehow one of the websites was proud of having adult-rated content (the internet is nothing if not consistent).
So, ok. I'll try "Blogged Down"- this was also a clever use of the absurd word "blog", which I think was created by a two-year old. Also taken. So now you have an idea of what could have been. However, I was proud of thinking of those two names, and so what if around 20 other people had already thought of them! I'm spreading the good word and taking alot of the credit!

Other thoughts:

-Just finished up a nice mini-pint of "Moose Tracks" ice cream, (brilliant name, by the way, who wouldn't think of something a moose has left behind as a delicious treat!) and I know you're not supposed to eat anything unhealthy so close to going to bed, but I was feeling rebellious and polished that bad boy off anyway. So take that, person eating their highly regulated string bean snack!

-I ended the title of this post with an ellipsis, the super dramatic trailing off trick. I hope you enjoy those too, because they're very fun to use, they make me seem so thoughtful...