If I was Rebuilding a Human Being

I'd make gastric juices taste good, or at least taste like nothing, so if you barfed the food would still be delicious or at least taste like it did the first time.  It's disgusting now.  Barf sucks.

Smart Talk with Art Krenshaw: April 27th

Hello all, it's been a busy semester for Art Krenshaw, but we've been able to pry him away while his students are on Spring Break, so he can join us for another edition of Smart Talk- with Art Krenshaw!

Art Krenshaw is an expert in human behavior. He's studied sociology and anthropology at Northern Kansas University and currently teaches on the side.

SMART TALK

with

ART KRENSHAW

Dear Professor Krenshaw

My husband and I have been married happily for 2 years now, we had dated for 2 and a half years before that and have lived together for 3 years.  I love him to death, but some of his hygiene habits are getting to me!  For example, he only brushes his teeth once a day, and while it doesn't really effect his breath or dental health, that's not normal, right?  And while I appreciate the fact that he works out and stays healthy, sometimes he....well, I guess there's no other way for me to say it...stinks!  Art, is there anything I can do?  I know I'm constantly told people don't change, and it's a bad idea thinking I'm going to change the person I'm married to, but I'd be so much happier if I had a great smelling guy!
Signed,
Mrs. Clean




Mrs. Clean,
A quick note I'd like to point out- if you were Mrs. Clean, that would mean you were married to Mr. Clean, and it certainly doesn't sound like that's who your husband is!
I do understand your complaint though, and it's not an uncommon one.  You know, if you were to travel back to the 1700s in Europe everyone would smell awful!  Not because the French are generally stereotyped as not as concerned with hygiene as the rest of us, but because they didn't have all the fancy soaps, shampoos, deodorants, and shower technology that we have today.  Not to mention the colognes and perfumes.  Which leads me to believe that we all should stop showering, and buying deodorant, and perfume, etc.  If we all smell terrible, then no one will smell bad!  It's all relative, you know.  And think of all the money we'll save on needless products!  "Oh, but Art," you might say "what about all the poor soap companies?  We're in a barely recovering economy and you want to put those soap makers out of business?"  Maybe.  But instead of making soap, they could just make ice cream, which everyone likes, and will then invariably sell more!  Which will probably make everyone gain weight, which will then only increase sales in medical bills, fitness equipment and gym memberships, AND new clothes for everyone to wear!  That's right, I've single handedly fixed our economy.  You're welcome America.
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Thanks for your insight Art!  Until next time, this has been another edition of Smart Talk- With Art Krenshaw!

This is Not a Blog

In the small town of Town City, a young WRITER works furiously at a SHORT STORY.  Suddenly, through the power of PRAYER the SHORT STORY comes to life.  The PRAYER was not that a short story would come to life, it was from a little girl, praying that her new bicycle she was getting for her birthday was pink.  Unfortunately the PRAYER ricocheted off of some tungsten, and as prayers don't react well to tungsten, it hit this WRITER'S SHORT STORY instead and made it come to life.

SHORT STORY: Hello.
WRITER: Wow, you can talk!
SHORT STORY: I can talk.  I'm sentient.
WRITER: ...Your name is sentient?  Because I was thinking of calling you "Fallen Grace"
SHORT STORY: No, my name is Short Story...."Fallen Grace"?  What are you, a 20 year old starting a band?
WRITER: Hey!  I liked it because of the double meaning, you know- the man is literally falling in love, and at the same time-
SHORT STORY: -wait a minute, don't you want to know how I can talk?  What happened here?
WRITER: Well....yeah, but I just assumed it was magic, and besides....me asking you a bunch of questions isn't very interesting, what if I just wanted to get to the point of our story?
SHORT STORY: Don't you think stories are more interesting when they're grounded in reality?
WRITER: You're a talking short story.
SHORT STORY: I know, but you're a human.  And a normal human wouldn't react the way you are.
WRITER: Fine.  Wow.  A talking story.  How did this happen?
SHORT STORY: I dunno.  Magic?
WRITER: Yeah.  That's what I thought.
SHORT STORY: I love ruining other people's pictures.
WRITER: Oh, I know what you mean, Short Story.  Especially someone you don't know.  It's just as satisfying as taking your own really great picture.
SHORT STORY: I wonder why that is?
WRITER: Probably because you get to live on in someone else's life whenever they look at that picture.  It's a form of immortality.
SHORT STORY: Really?
WRITER: Yeah, I'm serious.
SHORT STORY: Is that why you're writing too?
WRITER: I think that's part of it.  When I die, a part of me lives on.  It's the same with any art- painting, movies, music.  I created that, and it will exist after I do not.
SHORT STORY: Man.
WRITER: Pretty cool huh?
SHORT STORY: I think it's pretty narcissistic.  What about creating something because you feel the need to express yourself, or share something with the rest of the world?
WRITER: Well of course that's part of it too- jeez, you're being pretty harsh.  And besides, I don't think you can really create art if you're just doing it for the sake of existing.  ...well not anything good anyway.
SHORT STORY: What's so great about existing when you're gone?  You won't even be around to enjoy it.
WRITER: Yeah, but it's comforting now.  It gives me a sense of accomplishment.
SHORT STORY: How do you know you really do exist?
WRITER: Of course I exist.
SHORT STORY: Well, you're writing me, right?
WRITER: Yeah.  Everything you're saying is what I'm thinking.  I'm arguing with myself, I get it.
SHORT STORY: No.  That's not what I was getting at.  If all my thoughts are just what you're writing them out to be- how do you know that the same isn't true with you?  That you're not just a character in a story someone else is writing?
WRITER: ....I ....don't, I guess.
SHORT STORY: Good.  I'm glad we learned something here.
WRITER: What was that?
SHORT STORY: You don't know how to end stories very well.
WRITER: You're kind of a jerk.
SHORT STORY: You're a jerk!
WRITER: You suck!
SHORT STORY: I know I do, you wrote me!
WRITER: FFFFFUUUUUUUUUU

TAKE me out to the BALLLLL

A friend of mine gave me some tickets to a baseball game, and when I was thinking about who to invite, I quickly settled on inviting my good friend I hadn't seen in a while, he accepted- and our plans were set.  However, I thought it would be a fun social experiment to see what kind of responses I would get if I put an ad up on craigslist.
Here's what I posted:

I have a couple of tickets to go to the Giants game tomorrow (Sunday, starts at 1pm- good seats too)- but it being a holiday and all, most of my friends can't go, so I figured I'd try to see if I could meet someone fun on here to go with.
I live south of the city, but wouldn't mind meeting up with someone in San Francisco
A little bit about me so you can get an idea if we'd have a good time:

I'm from Southern California, I moved up for a job at one of the bigger companies up here.
I love movies, TV, and Sports- but I can talk about all kinds of other things too (books, art, FOOD, traveling)
I consider myself a good conversationalist, and someone who likes to ask questions and listen, and hope that you would be as well (for a 3 hour + game)

Please only reply if you would be serious about going- and a little bit about yourself too, I'd like to know who I'm going with

Thanks!

Here are the only responses I received:



From "Kenna":

Loved your ad. I almost always wear skirts or dresses. I'm a girly-girl. 5'2" hwp. Blond & blue. I graduated UCLA in 2007 and have been employed at the same monotonous job ever since. It does pay the bills, though. You know who I love? Freddie Mercury. Classic, awesome voice. That's it for now, I do hope to hear from you soon.

No slacks for Kenna!  I did not know that she loved Freddie Mercury.


From "Alissa" (whose email address was owned by a "Janell"):

just want a genuine response to assert your a genuine lad

This one struck me as the most "genuine" of the group, but I found the word choice a bit weird.


Next up we have an email from "Dixie":

I believe that  you could be a a spamming fraudster, my good friend

Not exactly hilarious, but again, I found the choice of wording and extra space between "that" and "you" to be amusing. 

Here is where it gets better, an email from "Francisco":

Hi, I was looking thru people on here and thought I would send a message. I'm 23, very shy, but a good conversationalist once I get to know you. I'm looking for a friend first and see where it goes from there.

Interesting.

Next email, from "Popovic":

DADDY SEEKING LITTLE GIRL

I feel for Popovic's loss, not only must he feel saddened by losing his little girl, but the guilt from being an irresponsible parent must have driven him mad enough to respond to a craigslist ad regarding baseball tickets.

From "Tarallo":

Mattress tester wanted

I bet it's hard these days to find a quality mattress tester, most of them fall asleep on the job!


Next up is the presumably lovely "Meszaros":

50 year old widower would love to have a gardening friend

Wouldn't we all?


The last email I got was from "Jennifer":

I'm hawiian and puerto rican and I'm looking for black male that has good convo, can make me laugh, likes 2 have fun, and is friendly like me
 I'll send some back

FINALLY someone who actually read what I had posted and responded with what I was looking for!
As I'm sure you've guessed, I told my friend to buzz off and Jennifer and I had a lovely time at the ballgame.

No Songs, No Parties, No Dressing up, no Fireworks- Easter has Some Work to do

I think I've figured out the secret to what makes certain holidays more popular than others.  So listen up, Flag Day, Arbor Day, President's Day, and Labor Day.  You want to make the big leap into the pantheon of holidays, 4th of July and New Year's Day? Well, here's the trick:

Candy

That's right.  What do Valentines, Halloween, Christmas, and Easter all have in common?  Bingo.  And don't worry guys, the candy doesn't need to have anything to do with your holiday, just pick some random stuff and turn it into candy.  Maybe even the churro.  I'd love a Flag Day churro.  Actually, scratch that, it has to be something that's good cold and can sit around for weeks without being eaten.  Just shape some skittles like a dinosaur and adopt the dinosaur as your official holiday animal.  Or you could get really lazy like jelly beans, and just name them after whatever blob shape your candy most easily forms to.

A few more Easter thoughts:
Eat the hollow chocolate bunnies from the ear down, that way the renegade chocolate falls into the body of the bunny, where you can consume it later.

I know this isn't new ground I'm covering here, but what a bunch of random stuff Easter has:  why do we color eggs?  And not just regular eggs, hard boiled eggs.  And a giant bunny comes and hides them?  No wonder so many kids turn out weird.

Speaking of the Easter bunny, what's his deal?  Is it even a he?  I know very little about the Easter bunny- what's his motivation for all this egg hiding?  Is he ok with our devouring chocolate and marshmallow versions of himself?  Is the Easter bunny even a benevolent being?  For all we know, the egg hiding could be done for selfish reasons.  What is the Easter bunny doing the rest of the year?  Is there a Mister or Mrs. Easter bunny?  Does he have help?  At least we know Santa's M.O. and plenty of details.  This Easter bunny is more and more of a loose cannon, the more I think about it. 

Peeps- the weirdest textured candy known to man, and therefore, a very low ranking one in this man's opinion.  Plus, they always look kind of sad.

Blog Post

It's very amusing to me that there are people who can be so incredibly creative that they produce something that we would call a "masterpiece" and not think of a better name to call it than "symphony number 7".  Or "starry night".  It's almost as if they've exhausted every bit of creativity in whatever art they've produced.

Also, Operas are really funny.  Fat people yelling.  But it sounds good.  But it doesn't.  And it can sometimes shatter glass.
And Bugs Bunny.

DUMB GUY interviews A GHOST

DUMB GUY: I'm here with a ghost.
GHOST: Hello
DUMB GUY: It must be scary, being a ghost.
GHOST: Actually, I'm typically the one doing the scaring.
DUMB GUY: Yeah, but you're all alone, always having to walk around with a bed sheet over your head-
GHOST: No, you're thinking of the cartoons.  I'm more of specter.  I'm not even wearing a bedsheet right now.
DUMB GUY: Right, I was wondering how you got through security.
GHOST: What security?
DUMB GUY: My dog, Fido.
GHOST: That's a box of Cap'n Crunch.
DUMB GUY: Oh Yeah!  I was wondering how that box got through security!
GHOST: .... So, don't you want to hear about what I've been up to?  It's pretty terrifying.
DUMB GUY: Spooky?
GHOST: I guess.
DUMB GUY: The word "spooky" isn't very spooky.  It kind of sounds like pooky.
GHOST: You know some people mistake me for a demon, right?
DUMB GUY: Yup, but make sure you don't get stuck with the linens!!
GHOST: I'M NOT A BEDHSEET!
DUMB GUY: Jeez, well neither am I, but you don't hear me crying about it.  What are you, the ghost of a baby?
GHOST: No, I was a Duke that murdered his entire family in order to maintain control of his land.
DUMB GUY: Yup.  The best was when you were counting all of those bats that were around you- and then when you were done counting, that lightning went off!!
GHOST: That's THE COUNT.  I was a DUKE.
DUMB GUY: Spooky Dukey.
GHOST: Man I wish I was dead.

An Online Dating Profile

Where do I start with these things?  I never know.  Well, first of all- I can't believe I've joined loveatfirstdate.com for one- but here I am!  Ha ha.
I am a "chronologically-challenged" (but that doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun!- just like wine, I get better with age, lol) Dictator Despot for a country somewhere south of the United States- extra brownie points if you can figure out which one!
My friends call me "El General Dictator"- but it's just a nickname- I'm not really a general.  I killed our previous general and left our army headless, much as I have left the bodies of my enemies!  ALL HAIL EL NUEVO GENERAL! 
My favorite movies are Bananas, by Woody Allen (finally a movie of his where someone isn't having an affair or involved in some lame plot to cover up a murder; am i right?), The Last King of Scotland, though I haven't seen the ending, and Air Bud.  I don't have a favorite, but "Air Bud: Golden Receiver" was the one I've watched most recently.
I like to go out and exercise, you'll never find me sleeping in on weekends, I love to go out and seize the day!  Much as I have seized control over this puny Republic for the sake of my people!  But I'm ok with staying in and curling up on a couch with a glass of wine some nights too.  Work hard, play hard.
I just got out of a really bad relationship filled with a lot of drama, so I'm looking to meet someone who doesn't play any games, as I won't be playing them either.  My 2nd in command however.... no I'm just kidding, ha ha.
I'm a really open person, so I'm open to even dating peasants, although I'm not sure where you would find the internet connection to read this.
Please message me if you like what you see!  I put up some pictures that weren't my best, but they were the most recent ones I could find, and I believe in being honest.

Hope to hear from you soon so we can start our own adventure together!!

Silent Killers

Yes, your honor.  I'll admit to it.  I went crazy.  I killed them.  I killed them all.  But I don't think you can blame me.  Why did I do it?  You would do it too, if you were one of us.  Being made fun of your whole life.  Everyone acting like you're not even there.  Not giving you any of the credit you really deserve.  Well now, they're going to know.  That's right, KNOW.  Not "Ka-No".  It's not "Ka-No".  And do you know why?  Because that K is a SILENT LETTER.  Well you know what??  I'M NOT GOING TO BE SILENT ANYMORE.  That's right!  I got sick of the K in Kangaroo getting all the credit.  So I offed him.  And I wasn't alone.  You think the P from pneumonia didn't have a motive to help me out?  "What?  You spell pneumonia with a P?  That's so stupid.  "Pa-new-moan-ya"?"  Yeah.  He's heard that every. day. of his LIFE.  So he gave me the intel.  You see him and the P from Puppies used to be real tight, before P from Puppies changed.  Started acting like he was better than us.  So P from Pneumonia got us the blueprint to his Panic Room.  We knew that's where he'd go after we got the G from Gnome to break into his house and set his pantry on fire.
So go ahead, throw me in the slammer.  I've got H from Herb and P from Pterodactyl working around the clock on plans to bust me out- and nobody is more motivated than those two guys.  When there's no point to your life- to your job- to the thing that defines who you are, you have nothing to lose.
So I'll be seeing you judge- all of you, I'll be seeing real soon.

Nuts to That!

Is what you say to something you don't want to do.  Why the negative connotation with nuts?  They're great!  What other snack can be mixed with fruit for trail going, put in salads to make healthy food slightly less unbearable, garnish up a dessert, or just be an overall great source of healthy fat and protein?  No other snack, that's for doggone sure.  So what happened along the way that made nuts so disliked?  Why, when someone is doing something crazy, do we say they're nuts?
From now on, if I say something or someone is nuts, that's a great thing.

GIVE NUTS A CHANCE

Dale Grundane

  Hi there, pleased ta meetcha.  Name's Dale, Dale Grundane- "The Great Dane" they call me.  Ha ha.  How're ya doing today?  Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Listen, I'll cut right to the chase here, I'm here to sell you some toast.  That's right, toast.  The crunchy warm bread that comes out of a toaster.  "Now Dale...." you must be wonderin', "why wouldn't I just make my own toast?"  Right!  Why wouldn't you?  Because toast is made down here, in the heart, not up here, in the brain- and let's face it- some folk just ain't cut out for toast makin'.  You got yer slightly overcooked, your very overcooked, and your not cooked enough toasts- and the types of bread you see people usin' these days!
Why'd I get into the toast business you ask?  For the women.  You may be thinking there's no women in the toast business- but you would be wrong.  No, you'd actually be right, heck, ask my ex-wife Trudy.  You can't ask her, of course.  She left me.  She left me because I wear suspenders under my shirt.  Trudy hated suspenders, bless her heart.  And her long, flowing hair.  I miss that hair, really I do.
Say!  I wrote a song about toast- here goes:

It's not a long way down
without a long way down
It's not a piece of my heart you take
It's a piece of toast I make
Toast toast toast toast toast.

I've got a grandson.  He doesn't like suspenders either.

Light Travels Faster Than Sound

"That's why some people appear bright until they speak."


-that and because they're wearing glasses.

Robo-Friends Forever

If I had a robot, I'd name him Barry.  Barry would be the best robot in the world.  We'd play baseball together, he'd bring me cookies at work that he baked inside a compartment in his arm, and then when we were bored, he'd rob a pizza store and blame it on the oven that works there.  Trust me, pizza ovens have it coming to them.  Barry would be so smart, he would know when to cheer me up, when to sing a song, and when to help me legally cheat on my taxes.  He'd be so smart, he'd probably hate the name Barry.  In fact, Barry would probably be smart enough to kill me, somehow construct a lifelike facsimile of my skin, hair and bone structure and assume my identity.  I bet Barry would even have enough programmed intelligence to make himself forget that he was a robot and HOLY CRAP IM BARRY.

Farewell my Love

  I think about how I miss her- how I've been missing her every day since she's been gone, and I wonder why exactly.  Part of me wonders how much I loved her, and how much I loved her consistency.  I did love the fact that she was always going to be there.  Now she's not.  Now, when I think of her, I think of emptiness.  Sometimes I wish I could go back- that I could get her back, but I know that's impossible, or at least I know that it would be wrong.  I want to call her, but I can't.  I miss her.  I miss her when I get up in the morning, I miss her at breakfast, I miss her all throughout the rest of the day.  She made me laugh, she made me smile- and the worst part is, I thought she really cared.  She didn't.  If she did, she wouldn't have run out.  Goodbye, my sweet.  My sweet, rich, sticky, delicious maple syrup.  Goodbye Mrs. Butterworth's.

Interview with Benjamin Franklin

ME: Hello Ben!  Or is it Benjamin?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Good day to you, whichever you prefer.  Let's turn this around.  How about I interview you?
ME: ....ok- I don't know if that's what my reader came here to read, but sure.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: What do you use for "butt"?
ME: What?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: The word "butt"- what do you say instead?
ME: I'm not sure, I guess it depends on the situation?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Come now, there must be something you think is funny.
ME: Well, I guess I'm partial to "patootie" or "rear"
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Not a fan of fannie?
ME: Not so much....are you?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: My dear boy, but of course!  The word "fannie" is hilarious!
ME: Hmm.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: What is it?
ME: Well, it's just....I didn't expect to be having this conversation with Ben Franklin.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: You expected me to be someone who'd go around pandering for cheap laughs by using the word "ass"?
ME: No, it's just that-
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: -you can kiss my hind quarters!
ME: Ben Franklin!  We don't approve of that kind of talk here on Wonderblog!  The Highly Rated Blog of Choice
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: What!  Come on- "hind quarters"?  What does that even mean?
ME: Hmm.  You do have a point.  What about "keester"?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Yes!  Now you're catching on!  "rump"!
ME:"gluteus maximus!"
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: "bum"!  As if being a bum wasn't bad enough already!
ME:"Buttocks" is pretty funny
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Yes, even the word "bottom" has its charms.
ME: Ben Franklin, this has been my favorite interview yet.  Well done!
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Hey thanks!  Want some Doritos?

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE NOT A GRANDMA

10. The glass bowl on your coffee table isn't full of candy.
9.  You don't own a glass bowl.
8. You don't constantly have the urge to give people under the age of 30 more food.
7. You have long hair.
6. You haven't forwarded an e-mail since you started reading this list.
5. You're able to reference "Snoop Dog" without calling him "Snoopy".
4. You have less than five unopened DVDs in your house.
3. You're not good at making chili
2. When talking about a celebrity you like you say something other than "Oh that ___ is just wonderful!"
1. You're a horse!

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE NOT A BUG

10. You move mostly in straight lines.
9. No one tries to squish you.
8. Garbage and other bugs are things you would throw away and not eat.
7. Someone walks up to you and is like "Hey man."
6. You are a bug, but you're a VW- and that's not the kind we're talking about here.
5. You're not the subject of any weird nursery rhymes.
4. Your sister has kids, and when they send you birthday cards, they spell "Ant" with a U.
3. Magnifying glasses just magnify things for you, not set you on fire.
2. The last time you got flicked from a height thousands of times your size, you weren't ok when you hit the ground.
1. You're a horse!

Chicken Tenders? Weird

I'm disappointed most places renamed "chicken fingers" "chicken strips".  The thought of chickens' fingers always intrigued me as a child.

America's Newest Dying Industry

How terrible would it be to be a rubber stamp maker?  Apparently the perfect vehicle for your product, the "Unrated!" or "Uncut!" or "Uncensored!" DVD has come along.  But now, this being the electronic age and all, everything is being e-stamped!

What torture!  Being taunted every time you walk by the movies section at the store, you'd have to see all the lost opportunities!  Because we all know that when something has "attitude" it's said via rubber stamp.  And with an exclamation point.  The people who design the graphics for the DVD cover couldn't possibly advertise that there's an extra weiner or 3 non bleeped F words in this version of the movie in regular font.  Also, never mind that the "extra" footage also adds nothing to the movie, or they would have put it in in the first place- no one can resist the selling power of the rubber stamp.  No one.

Are we supposed to be imagining some super awesome biker dude doing the most INAPPROPRIATE and EXTREMEly WRONG things while he's stamping these DVDs?

Or are we supposed be imagining some stuffy unattractive librarian looking woman from the MPAA stamping these movies in disgust, despite her best protests?