I Saw Zombieland Too, but I Have Nothing Funny to say About it. It was Good Though.

My thanksgiving this year consisted of a trip to Claim Jumper, where no garlic cheese toast was available because the menu was set.  I did not give thanks for this. I did manage to get a dirty look from my mother, who maybe thought that I was being a rude guest by voicing my displeasure.  I'm sure the old prospector who started Claim Jumper is spinning in his grave.  ......but I bet HE has some garlic cheese toast.  The best part about Thanksgiving, (other than spending it with my wonderful family) was the satisfaction I got from constructing a crudely made yet highly efficient sun blocking device by shoving an old newspaper in the creases of the car window.  The ride home was made in the shade.




The cast of Harry Potter watches a screening of "Legion".


You'd think that someone would tell the actors in the Harry Potter movies to try coming up with a different reaction to magic being done other than "complete and utter wonderment".  It's been 7 movies now, you'd think that seeing a jelly bean turns into a bus would elicit nothing more than a shrug from the kids who have seen ANYTHING capable of happening.  Time travel, the dead coming back to life, and the intelligent cute girl showing an interest in the geeky redhead kid.  If you're wondering whether or not I enjoyed the latest movie, I did, however I do have two words for you:  tent dancing.

I also got a chance to see The Rock Dwayne Johnson's new movie this weekend, where he kills people because- well, we don't really need a reason, they could have just started the movie off with him saying "This is for revenge!" and then throwing a guy through a wall in front of a train that's headed off a cliff onto a box of dynamite.  That would have saved a good twenty minutes and allowed for at least three more one-liners. 

The movie I consider myself the most lucky to see this weekend was Legion, which (spoiler alert!) had a plot based on God wanting a baby dead so the human race would cease to exist.  He tried to accomplish this by sending some ice cream man/spider demon hybrids after the mother.  Makes sense. 

I Didn't Know How to Make Columns

Looking to build your own apartment complex and you can't decide on a name for your community?  I've come up with a handy cheat sheet for you.  Just combine two of these words, and you'll be ready to go in no time!

                                     WIND                                   CREEK

                                     OAK                                     STREAM
                                     EAGLE                                 DALE
                                     STONE                                COURT
                                     SUNSET                               PARK
                                     RIVER                                  WOOD
                                    CEDAR                                 WILLOWS
                                    SHADOW                             GLEN


This also works if you're naming streets in a new suburban community.

Smart Talk with Art Krenshaw Nov. 24th

Hello all, thankfully (get it?)  Thanksgiving break is coming up at NKU so Art Krenshaw has a little bit of time for us.  The e-mail questions have been piling up, but I thought we'd take a question that's relevant to our upcoming Thanksgiving holiday.

Art Krenshaw is an expert in human behavior. He's studied sociology and anthropology at Northern Kansas University and currently teaches on the side.

SMART TALK

with

ART KRENSHAW

Dear Dr. Krenshaw,

Hello.  I enjoy your advice and wanted to thank you for the insight you have provided.  My question is one about Thanksgiving.  The holiday is coming up and I have a young child who is being taught all about the Pilgrims and Indians at school.  Of course they are being taught a nice story about the Indians helping the Pilgrims through a cold winter and the wonderful feast the two of them shared.  The message is one of peace, giving, friendship, and appreciation for what you have.  All things I would love for my child to learn.  My concern is that the real Pilgrims were not incredibly kind or giving towards the Native Americans and I feel like I am lying in a way by not telling my child the truth.  However, I don't want to ruin the positive message that the schools are teaching or give my son the idea that he can't trust what he is being taught in school.  What do you think I should do?
Signed,
Thankful




 Thankful,
Thank you for bringing up this interesting point.  I know we have a class here at the University that focuses on "real" history vs. "desired" history, and I'm pretty sure this is one of the examples covered within the first few weeks of class.  Your situation and dilemma is not unique and I will tell you what the more commonly accepted solution in the academic community is.  In short:  lie some more.  The best thing to do would be to tell your children all sorts of other terrible things that the Pilgrims did so when they learn the truth, it is not as damaging.  But you need to put it into terms they will understand.  Something such as telling them that Pilgrims shut down the Indians internet and refused to let them watch Disney princesses.  I told my kids that the Pilgrims made the Indians go to the dentist and eat vegetables every day, and then monsters ate all of them.  Then when my kids asked if monsters ate everyone how come there are no monsters today, I simply explained the process of evolution to them, and that Daddy was part monster, so if they didn't go to bed at 8:30 every night, it was very possible he would eat them.  This is also a good segue into the story of Kronos, and how he attempted to eat all of his children.  Education.  For younger ones, a good analogy is something such as "The Pilgrims broke Thomas the Tank Engine".  When your children follow up with questions about that, just don't answer them, it's very exhausting explaining things to children.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to go to the store to ensure I have all my ingredients for Art Krenshaw's famous potato casserole!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mmmm!  You'll have to give us that recipe, Art!  As always, your advice was greatly appreciated.  Until next time, this has been another edition of Smart Talk- With Art Krenshaw!

A "Fanatic" is not Someone Who is a Fan of the Attic

Last night at the Chargers/Broncos game there was a guy who wore his Broncos jersey to the game, some doofus looking hat, goggles, and to top off the ensemble* a mullet and a poor excuse for a goatee.  The poor sap spent most of his $90 ticket with his back to the game, taunting the crowd, a move I will never understand.  Not only because he was making a large crowd of mostly intoxicated people with a few jerks sprinkled in angry, but because the Broncos were losing by 21 points.  He didn't have much to back up his taunts, most of which consisted of him gesturing like a poor man's Hulk Hogan.  Come to think of it, he was probably an intoxicated jerk himself, so I think I let him off easy by starting an extremely satisfying "Na na na na....na na na na....hey hey hey!  GOODBYE!" chant when he was leaving the game early.  As my brother pointed out, had we not been chanting at him, he probably would have had a lot more ice thrown at his goggles.
Starting chants is an incredibly fun thing to do.  It's probably as close as I'll ever come to leading an angry mob, or having an army.  It's dangerous though, because a failed chant is incredibly embarrassing.  The worst is the guy who tries too hard and doesn't realize the chant isn't happening.  "LET'S GO ANGELS....LET'S GO ANGELS....(now louder as if his desperation will motivate the crowd to join him)  LET'S GO ANGELS...(now it's a near scream, he's almost pleading)  LET'S GO ANGELS!!"  and hopefully it's around this time something happens in the game that gives the crowd an excuse to make noise for something else. 

Lastly,
Can we all agree nobody likes the twisty plastic part at the end of hot dogs?  Yuck.  We don't want to be reminded we're eating encased meats.












*pronounced with overzealous french accent

I Never See This Kind of Stuff on HGTV

Actual quotes from leasing agents while apartment hunting:

Here's our movie theatre room.  It costs $50 to rent out.  You can watch anything up to R rated movies in there.

"I sure hope you become a neighbor."
"Oh, do you live here?"
"No."

"Do you work here?"
"I guess."

"I don't like the squirrels here.  They're creepy."

I was in an empty apartment when we heard a ghost-like wail coming from the adjacent apartment, so I asked:
"Pretty thin walls eh?"
"....My mom lives here and she can't hear him cry."

Another lady KEPT mentioning the FOX granite countertops, I tried to politely correct her by mentioning something like "Oh, I haven't seen faux granite much today."  She either didn't get what I was talking about, or is making fun of me on her blog right now.

And the best was when the guy was fumbling with his keys for 5 seconds, got one in the lock, then after fiddling with the lock for another 3 seconds, pulled the lock out of the door with the key, then tried to put multiple other keys into the hole in the door before realizing the deadbolt was attached to his keychain.  Then after a good 2 minutes of me standing there watching him try to shove the deadbolt back in the door:
"I guess we can't go in.  I can draw you a picture of the floorplan...."
After which I reached around him and opened the now unlocked door.
"....oh."

Was it a Magic Carpet or a Magic Rug?

This computer I'm writing on sounds so much like an airplane I'm disappointed it hasn't taken off and started flying around the room. 
I'm also disappointed lightsabers aren't real.

I Could Have Spent This Time Hunting for Treasure

A quick note to the service representitive that I was talking to today:
You say something, I listen.  Then I respond while you listen.  This is how communication works.  Interrupting me every 5th word I say to repeat the first thing you said does not help.

I woke up this morning and thought "You know, I would love to spend hours on the phone with a collection agency because of a bill that shouldn't exist."  Let me give them a call!  Maybe I can jive with some of that fancy hold music.  The kind where the three nerdy middle aged white guys are sitting around saying "Wow Leonard, this funky beat is something, but I think the synthesizer sounds too modern and there's not enough slow saxaphone."  The kind of music I'm not even sure the people who are making it think is tolerable.  That's great stuff.  I honestly cannot picture anyone listening to that and thinking "Hey...this is pretty good."  And yet, someone created it, and then someone decided it was the best thing to force angry people to listen to.  "Since everyone enjoys being on hold, what could we do to make it even better!"  I know!  Music that reminds them of the last time they were being screwed by the inefficiencies of major corporations and the ineptitude of apathetic people getting paid unfair wages!

Thomas Edison is Jealous of my Inventions

I think I'll start some new things. 

How about a fad:
I'll start one where hip kids wear clothes that older ladies would wear, and dress all in purple.
Kind of like this, but with purple eyeshadow, lipstick, and wig/dye.

I'll call them "Purps".  Because I think half of a new fad is having a catchy name.  Old people are going to hate Purps.  Which is the other half of creating a new fad.  Man, that was easy.


Now I think I'll start a saying:

Let's go with "Sweet corn!"  As an exclamation.  Example:
Sweet corn that was some hot coffee!



I could start a new greeting, in place of the fist bump or quick head nod.

Now when you want to say hello to someone you put your hands up like you're going to fight and stick both of your pinkies up.


Not like this, but nothing that looked like what I was talking about came up on google image search, and this was the funniest thing under "double pinkies" so, here's the poster for the 2010 romp "Lost on Journey"


And finally, a new product:

The Adam Sandler movie generator.
I don't have a picture, but I'll plug the formula into the machine and let's see what it comes up with:

A bunch of stuff a 12-year old would think is funny happens.  Someone yells.

This thing is going to make a fortune.

TOP TEN THINGS I’D LIKE YOU TO PICTURE ABRAHAM LINCOLN DOING

10. The Robot.

9. Having a crazy Laundromat mishap in his own sitcom.

8. Falling in love with a girl from the wrong side of the tracks, one with a heart of gold.

7. Giving a speech that starts "Five score and seven years ago...."

6. Taking a huge bite out of a giant onion, then reacting like it was the best thing he’d ever tasted.

5. A cover of an Eminem song feat. Ulysses S. Grant

4. Being tickled.

3. Writing an angry letter to Wal-Mart

2. Running around in circles, wearing a Cat in the Hat hat, his hands waving in the air, screaming “I’m an apricot! I’m an apricot!” until he pulls out a jetpack and zooms away.

1. Growing a mustache for that damn beard!

Snailed it!

  Two snails sit in a garden outside a small apartment complex in Valley Village, CA.  They have suddenly been blessed with the ability to speak thanks to the power of love.  The snails do not love each other.  A collective, Universal love has blessed them with talking and thinking ability.  It has reached a level that puts human anatomy into asexual slug mollusks.  The level of love is most likely due to overpopulation.

MARTIN: Well, I do believe we have gained the ability to speak.
SNAILFORD: English, I believe.
MARTIN: I'm speaking with some sort of a pseudo-British accent.
SNAILFORD: Yes, that's because fashion wise you're the more sophisticated of the two of us.
MARTIN: Correct, I have an excellent scarf collection.   .....Snailford, why are we here?
SNAILFORD: Well, I don't think it really matters.  We're snails.
MARTIN:  Yeah, but- there has to be some reason we're here.
SNAILFORD: There's a sale at Target.
MARTIN: We don't have any money.
SNAILFORD: Maybe the sale is 100% off.
MARTIN: Maybe.
SNAILFORD: Probably not though.
MARTIN:  Maybe we exist in order to move the things around us.
SNAILFORD: Whatever do you mean dear boy?
MARTIN: I'm not a boy.  And I mean .... the dirt, the plants, these things wouldn't move if we weren't here right now.
SNAILFORD: But they'd probably move in some other way, an ant, a gust of wind, a shark.
MARTIN: Sharks don't move dirt or plants.  At least not yet.
SNAILFORD: Oh that's right.  Well, I think your theory has some validity.  And who knows what these plants and dirt have to do with the big picture?  Most likely nothing, but they could be important.
MARTIN:  They could.  Einstein developed the theory of relativity from looking at his ferns.
SNAILFORD:  No he didn't.
MARTIN:  No, but Snail Einstein might one day.
SNAILFORD: But he won't.
MARTIN: Snailford, I've developed a taste for salt.
SNAILFORD: You have?  In this, our few brief moments of a higher consciousness?
MARTIN: Yes, but it's not a big deal.  Our consciousnesses aren't THAT high.  Remember, we were just talking about a sale at Target.
SNAILFORD: Hmm.  So now what?
MARTIN: I'm probably going to get eaten by a bird.

He does.  A crow swoops in, devours Martin, and flies off.

SNAILFORD:  Well.  This sucks.

When do we Get to Collect on all This Daylight We've Been Saving?

When I get out of work, it's dark out.  I think it's safe to venture that when you get out of work it's dark out.  This is because of a rule called "Daylight Savings".  Contrary to the popular theory that Ben Franklin implemented it, it was actually first used in the United States in 1918, and the idea was proposed by a man named George Vernon Hudson.  His goal in life was to annoy people by making them sleep less.  After the small town he lived in took away his pots, pans, airhorns, symbols, roosters, and cannons, he had to think of a new way to make people tired.  It was then that Daylight Savings was conceived in his brain!  As an added bonus for George, he also managed to depress everyone leaving their office because it felt to them like they had wasted an entirely good day of sun by the time they had left work, a tradition that continues to this very day!  However, as a bonus, we now have more time for owls!

Breaking of the Fellowship

Overheard tonight at Jack in the Box:

EMPLOYEE: Hello welcome to Jack in the Box my name is Hugo how are you doing tonight?
CUSTOMER: Well Hugo, not too great.
HUGO: Oh no, sorry to hear that, what happened?
CUSTOMER: My fiance broke up with me....but I'll have some chicken fingers and 2 tacos and a drink.
HUGO: Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that..... (awkward pause) .....but at least you'll be able to go to parties and hook up with girls now!

....which was clearly not what the poor guy needed to hear.  I gave him a look of pity and told him I was sorry as he passed me to fill his drink at the soda fountain.

But you know what the worst part is?
Hugo wouldn't even give him a free taco.

The Orange Alka-Seltzer for Colds....mmm!

Yet another file for the "Things that were way better when you were a kid" folder:

Staying home sick.  When you were younger it meant having your Mom take care of you, she'd bring you some nice food, you would get to lay with your favorite blanket and  you'd get to watch cartoons and daytime TV.  Time has no meaning to you as a child, save "bedtime", so it didn't matter how long the day was or how much you had to sleep- you got to do other fun things in the meantime!

Flash forward to today as an adult.  There's no mom to take care of you, especially if you call during "Survivor" and even then, a phone can't bring you soda or popsicles.  Staying home isn't any fun because we've realized by now that daytime TV is terrible, and half the day is spent trying not to fall asleep so you don't wake up wide awake at 3am.  Although I will say medicine tastes a little better now.

*this blog would have gone on longer but the drowsy formula is starting to kick in...

Under THE Weather? What Kind of Weather? Probably Rain.

I'm sick.  So be happy with what you get.

Being sick sucks.  Which makes me take issue with anyone who uses the term "sick" to mean "really good".  Being sick is not sick.

Line?

So today when I walked into the voting area and got my ballot, I overheard the following exchange:

PERSON: Hi, I'm not registered, and I'm not from California, can I still vote?
WORKER: Here's a ballot.

I noticed all of the booths were taken so I made a line and the following exchange occurred.

WORKER: Hi!  You can go ahead and just sit at that table and vote.
ME: Right there? (pointing to the middle of the room where all the traffic is)
 WORKER: That's right.
ME: Won't everyone be able to see what I'm doing then?
WORKER: *shrugs

Voter Apathy < People Working the Polling Center Apathy

I wanted to ask what the cool looking machine was in the corner but I think I exceed my question limit by two.  I bet it played video games.


On a note unrelated to elections, whenever I'm creating my own line, I like to try and get in an ambiguous spot, because it doesn't seem fair to have to pick a horse and wait directly behind a person.  Then someone who got there after you did could come and get behind a person who happens to finish faster.  It defeats the purpose of a line- in fact- scratch that first sentence this paragraph- this DOES have something to do with elections, from now on (or at least until the end of this entry) I'm campaigning to have ONE line that filters into the next available slot in all movie theatres, fast food restaurants, grocery stores, bathrooms, etc.  We'll call it: "Prop Awesome".  How could anyone vote no on that?

Why Can't They Just Spell Out Their Name With Each Letter Standing for a Really Important Word?

America is a free country.  Based on capitalism.  Where you pay for everything.

It's also a democracy, which means we are ruled by an alien Overlord named Dem.  May his laser beams of justice shine down on all those who may stand in his way.

The best part of being part of a democratic society is that morons like me get to vote!  Which means during election time, a ton of videos are made for people who are dumb and too lazy to research any sort of facts about anything.  These videos are the best part about voting.

So as you can see, the best part about living in America is campaign videos.

The videos are great because they have incredibly ominous music, the kind you'd imagine playing when a super bad drug dealer is walking into the cop who's trying to chase him's house when the cop is at work, and some guy who sounds like he had a pack of smokes and is ready to rake you over the coals in the interrogation room is giving the viewer facts, facts which are repeated for emphasis. 

I thought I'd try writing an attack ad of my own, on the blog that has the url wonderblog.blogspot.com

Back in 2003, someone known only as "Murphy H, 2001" started a blog called "wonderblog", in it, they posted only nine times
(posted only NINE times?)

The last post?  Seven years ago.
(SEVEN years?)

Do you want a blogger who has no way to keep track of time?  I don't think so.

Hey, that was pretty fun.  Another one?

Once in January of 2003, the Wonderblog author wrote a post making fun of chubby blogs.
(chubby blogs??)

They probably didn't take into account that over 59 percent of the blog reading population could be considered chubby, DID THEY?

Back when wonderblog was created, the author chose to post in an olive green background.
(Olive green?)

That's the same color as split pea soup.  Which was also what the devil puked all over the room in the exorcist.

A vote for wonderblog.blogspot.com is a vote for the devil.

(paidforbyhighlyratedblogofchoice.blogspot.com)

Maybe juuuuust one more.


  

I'm the author of this blog, and I approve this message.


Sometimes, the author of wonderblog.blogspot.com used the letter H.  Hitler's name started with the letter H.

The highlyratedblogofchoice.blogspot.com's author frequently uses the letter P.  Puppies spell their name with a P.

What would you rather vote for, Hitler?  Or Puppies?