Monster Stink

This picture has nothing to do with the blog, but it's Halloween themed.

For Halloween, I thought I'd blog about something scary!  Like monsters! Although how scary are they really? Sure, monsters get a lot of hype.  We know they are supposed to be scary, but they're really not.  Yes, there's many children out there who are afraid of monsters (the under the bed, in the closet variety) but I think we can agree that it's very possible what they're really afraid of is not getting enough attention or going to bed early.
Who are the monsters I'm talking about?  Well, when I think of "monsters" especially around Halloween, there's a select few that come to mind.

Frankenstein
Technically "Frankenstein's Monster", but nobody wants to talk about Dr. Frankenstein- we just want to talk about the body parts he had sewn back together, which somehow came back to life when lightning hit them!  Maybe it was the bolts sticking out of his neck.  Come to think of it, the logistics of Frankenstein have never really been explained to me.  Why is he really tall and strong enough to walk through walls?  If he's just a bunch of body parts sewn together and brought back to life, shouldn't he just be normal size and have the strength of an average human?  The haircut and green color didn't make a lot of sense to me either.  Who looks like that?  Frankenstein's motives always seemed ambiguous as well.  Did he just want to walk around and be left alone?  That's what it seemed like to me.  Not very scary.  Neither is the fact that he can't bend his knees.  Any monster the fat and the elderly can easily escape from is not a very good monster.  At least in terms of the ability to frighten.  He seems like a perfectly nice giant dead guy.

The Wolfman
I'm not sure why The Wolfman gets the distinction of "The" Wolfman, and not just "Wolfman", but I'll roll with it.  This one makes a little more sense.  Wolves can be kinda scary.  And one that's bigger - say- man-sized could be that much scarier.  The only problem here is that it's not much scarier than a big wolf.  I mean, at least a Wolfman is part human, a giant wolf is just some crazy animal!  And the nose wouldn't look as ridiculous as it does on Wolfmen.  Really, I think the prospect of turning into a wolfman is much scarier than an actual Wolfman.  So I propose from now on, we just have "Giant Wolf".  That has fire breath.  And can walk through walls.  And is bulletproof.  And can drive a car and also sometimes looks like your cousin so you never know if it's really him, or if it's really Giant Wolf.  Now that would be scary.

The Mummy
Kinda sounds like "Mommy".  Not very scary.

Dracula
So vampires are supposed to be "sexy" these days.  I guess that sort of takes the scariness out of Dracula.  Really though, it makes sense.  Because what is sexier than something that's dead?  And can turn into a bat?  The teeth are pretty creepy too.  Trendiness aside, the fact that vampires are afraid of garlic has always amused me.  Whoever decided to use that storytelling cop-out didn't think things through very well- typically you want to be afraid of the monster, not have the monster afraid of common household items or delicious herbs and spices.  It's also nice that he dresses so snazzy.  But not so scary.

Please Stop Calling Things "Spooktacular"

Halloween is coming up on Sunday.  I have mixed feelings about the holiday- I'm not even sure if we should call it a holiday.  I think holidays should be something you miss work for.  Halloween feels more like an event than a holiday.  I've had good Halloweens and bad ones, but of course as a child nothing is more exciting than a holiday where you get to BECOME whatever you want, and get candy for it!
The whole "scary" thing I think is confusing for kids, because we spend much of our childhoods trying to not be scared and trying to talk ourselves out of things being scary.  "There's no monster in the toilet.", "I won't fall through those grates in the sidewalk in big cities." that kind of stuff.  Yet, here comes this day where we celebrate vampires and ghosts and witches and more recently, cartoon characters and pop culture people getting 15 minutes of fame.  Although I guess that last one IS pretty scary.

I remember being younger and being so excited for whatever costume I was going to be.  A vampire, a Ninja Turtle, a baseball player, and the Penguin from Batman. (the Burgess Meredith version- I don't know why, of all the things I could be that was the one that appealed to me.  Apparently the purple top hat, monocle, umbrella, and a long cigarette holder are enticing to an 8 year old.)

Who wouldn't want to dress up as this?

The thing about Halloween- and I think this still holds true today- is it's a lot like going to a buffet after you haven't eaten in a while.  You pile on an extra helping of hash browns, a few more scoops of fruit, and one roll too many because your eyes are bigger than your stomach.  In this case, for Halloween, all you can think about is the presentation of the costume.  How's it all going to look?  Nevermind that after 3 houses and 5 minutes walking you realize wearing fake plastic teeth is uncomfortable, you're hot in your green ninja turtle sweats, your baseball helmet is falling off because it's too big, and the stage glue that's keeping your fake penguin nose on smells funny.  Halloween costumes aren't meant to impress other people, they're meant to make us all uncomfortable.  That's why I think we should just make signs that say "dinosaur" or "Sponge Bob" and let everyone use their imaginations.  That's what the holiday is all about, anyway.  Well, that and pagans throwing their slaughtered livestock into bonfires. 

They Tell Me to Leave a Message After the Beep, I Wonder Why They're Swearing at Me

This day and age cell phones are our number one form of long distance communication.  It has taken a little while, but I've noticed some groups emerging from cell phone users.  After being called there's:

The Never Pick Up
Not quite sure why, but the caller ID on this person's cell phone isn't good enough.  They have to wait and see if your MESSAGE is worth calling back as well.  Typically this person is not busy enough to the point that they would never have time to answer their phones

The Texter
This person rarely picks up, and usually your call is quickly followed by a "whats up" or a "saw u called" text message.  Then you, being a sucker, text back detailed information or plans, which was the reason you called instead of texting in the first place- to save time because you figure they would have picked up the phone if they were able to.  The exchange usually ends in a phone call when The Texter gets too lazy to continue the conversation via text.

The Doubler
For whatever reason, this person only answers their phone on the second try, this person could also be known as The Slowpoke or the Insta Callback because they take forever to get to their phones.  Typically you have to discover someone is an Insta Callback or Slowpoke before you realize they're a Doubler and you have to call them twice to get a hold of them.

The Liar
"Hey I'm busy let me call you right back".  This person says they will, but always somehow "forgets" to call back.

The No Check
Who knows why, maybe a traumatic event happened while checking a voicemail, but this person never checks the message you leave them.

The Comedian
They've set up a funny voicemail message and they want you to hear it.  Great.  Problem is, it's not funny six months later after the 50th time.

The Robot
If you've never called this person before you never know if you're calling the right number because they couldn't take the time to say "Hi, this is ____.  Leave a message."  The robot is also incredibly slow and not fun to listen to multiple times either.

The Blind Man
They say they "Didn't see your call" but you know they keep their phone with them religiously.

The No-Hands
This person refuses to just put the phone up to their ear like a normal person.  They need to have in a handsfree or have you on speaker every time, which means they're either distracted or incredibly hard to understand.

The Commuter
Don't bother trying to talk to this person when they're not traveling somewhere.  The minute they reach a destination, your conversation turns into a pumpkin and is over.

The Never-Ender
"I have to go" has no meaning to this person, they continue to talk as if you've never said a thing.

and finally,


The Multi-Tasker
Extremely hard to have a conversation with, talking to them could be considered a sport as you're constantly competing with kids, tv, shopping, or any other number of things that are incredibly distracting.

....or maybe I'm just a terrible conversationalist.

Advertising Brilliance

I've been watching a lot of Mad Men lately.  I've also been studying up on some great comedy.  The Marx Brothers, Peter Sellers, Bob Newhart, Early SNL, Ghostbusters, Dumb and Dumber, Will Ferrell, The Office, you name it.  So today I figured, why not use comedy to sell a product?  A funny ad is one that the most people will talk about, I'm surprised Don Draper hasn't mentioned this yet.
My idea isn't entirely refined, but I'm sure it's a good one, and maybe my legion of reader can help me fine-tool this idea.
OK.  Here it is:

SOMETHING.....does something you WOULDNT EXPECT IT TO!

I'll let you digest that a little bit before we move on.




I know that it's a brilliantly complicated notion, so I'll keep this example simple.  Two words:
Smart.  Baby.

Hilarious, right?  And who wouldn't want to go into work tomorrow and tell the people they have nothing in common with other than an office space about a baby doing something like SCIENCE!

It's incredibly funny because no baby would ever do anything scientific, so it challenges our very notion of reality.  It's the absurd brought to life!  And a baby with a BEAKER?!?  In a LAB COAT?!?  With GOGGLES on????  I guarantee no babies ever wear labcoats for practical reasons, this will lead the audience to have nothing but a favorable reaction to seeing one.

Now that that idea has probably sunk in a little bit, I'm going to throw a Koufax-esque curve at you:
A hippo driving a car!!

Outrageous, no?  A hippo wouldn't even be able to fit in most sedans, and where would a hippo keep his keys?!?!  Is there such a thing as hippo driving school????  Oh man, I am tearing up just thinking about that.

As for the product, it doesn't matter, we can just throw the logo of the company on at the end of the commercial.  The baby or animal doing something only an adult human would do will be enough to get the masses talking SO much, one 30 second tv or web commercial becomes minutes worth of discussion for billions of people worldwide!  We let our viewers do the networking FOR us!!  If we want, we can put it up on the facebook, just pop it right up in everyone's faces.  Man, this is going to be a delight.  And the best part is, no one will ever see it coming!

Look out Peggy Olsen, there's a new kid in town!

I Remeber How Funny it was When I Discovered the Word "Dumbwaiter"

Dear Waiters,

I know I have never been one of you, and I'm supposed to not be able to say ANYTHING bad about you unless I've been one, but I've worked retail jobs and have a blog, so I'm going to say something anyway.
When you ask if I have any questions about the menu, and I say "Is this printed on plastic, or laminated?" It's ok to laugh, I promise!
I know that you get more money the more money I spend, however, I am allowed to just order water to drink or split a meal.  Maybe I'm watching my wallet, maybe my waist, maybe I just want some thirst quenching water!  Save the disappointed look of scorn.  I will keep in mind that you're getting less than if I ordered a drink that costs 5 times what it would if I got it at the grocery store when I'm leaving a tip.
When I'M being obnoxious and forgetting to look at the menu because I'm having an engrossing conversation, go ahead and call me out on it, I know you want to move on, and I'm sitting there to order food.
If you're not in the mood for small talk, don't fake it.  I can sense you forcing it and it makes things awkward for us both.  I know people have bad days at work, just grab the food and go.  It's cool, really.  You're there to carry food from one place to another, not to be my friend.
Thank you for knowing that when you come by and ask how my food is, me nodding my head means "the food is good" and not "yes".
Save the "OH, YOU HATED THAT, DIDNT YOU???" joke when I've cleaned my plate.  We've heard it before.
Again, don't act like I told you your goatee is stupid when I say I'm not interested in any dessert. 
I like smiley faces and hearts to dot the letter I on my receipt. 

Thanks, I enjoy you almost all of the time, I hope that I tip fairly and that you enjoy working with me as a customer.

Sincerely,

The grown man who asks for crayons and a children's menu

Jupiter Gets an Honorable Mention

A LIST OF FUNNY THINGS:

-sock puppets
-happy dogs that run all over the place and are happy from stupid little things like sniffing a chair
-talking hamburgers
-fish out of water time travel
-typos
-bug eyed mustachioed janitors
-eastern European misunderstandings due to a language barrier
-pencil toppers with the wiggly arms
-people tripping
-people tripping on banana peels
-people tripping on banana peels and having a bucket fall on their head
-abe lincoln
-muppets in small doses
-the word "hooligan"
-the human existence
-hula hoops
-fashion trends
-watching one of your friends try to get gum off of their shoe
-South Dakota
-Neptune
-hairstyles
-local commercials

How Could He Be So Mellow If He Was Yelling "Oh" All the Time?

  The idea of yelling in an argument is funny to me.  Not to say that I never do it, or I do it in order to BE funny, but the fact that it happens amuses me.  Now I know nobody rationally says to themselves, "I'm going to yell in order to prove my point!" as if the volume in which they're saying something will make the other person understand them better- but it's something we all do, like when you're speaking to someone in a different language, the tendency is to speak louder, but if it's in a different language, it's in a different language. 
So instead of yelling during arguments, I say the next time we get frustrated we just say something friendly to the other person like "Ay, wanna go play some Super Mario Kart?"  or "You know, I bet you make a great pie."  This way we can save our yelling voices for important things like when you're in a room with a good echo, or when some duck is trying to take a bath in the pool you want to swim in.  GET OUTTA THERE, DUCK!!!
And anyway, if you're really mad at someone and don't WANT to talk about something nice like Mario Kart or pie, whispering will probably make them even angrier anyway, because nobody likes a whisperer.

School Report to Help Children: Oct. 20

I enjoyed helping the kidfolk out with my spider report, and school must be in full-swing now, so I thought I'd do some more public service and write up another one.  Kids: make sure you're the only one in your class turning this blog entry in, otherwise your teacher's gonna get wise!


The Lion, or Leo Panthera is known as the king of the jungle.  Yeah right!  There is only one true king of the jungle, and that's T-Rex.  Does a lion have the word "king" in its name?  No.  Does it have the word "tyrant" in its name?  Negative.  The T-Rex has both of those: in your face lion!  So what if the T-Rex is dead, it only is because it wants to be.  Also, know what another word for "king" is?  Regis.  And Regis Philbin is great.
This report isn't about bagging on lions though, it's about the Tyrannosaurus.  He's everyone's favorite dinosaur, unless you're some kind of wimp and like a boring leaf eating one.  Everyone looked up to Tyrannosaurus.  Not because he was tall, but because he got things done. 
Let me paint a real-world scenario for you:
You're walking along the street, you're hungry, sad, and it's a foggy, gloomy day.  All of the sudden, some jerk bully ambushes you.  Starts pushing you around.  This is a tough scenario for all of us to deal with.  Do you fight back?  Run?  Try to talk things out?   Let me give you another real-world scenario:
Tyrannosaurus Rex is walking along the street, hungry, sad, and it's a foggy gloomy day.  All of the sudden, some jerk bully ambushes him.  Starts trying to take his lunch money.  T-Rex opens his mouth and eats him.  Problems solved.  Not hungry anymore, because he ate the bully, and the bully isn't going to be bullying him anymore, because he's dead.  The fog is gone too because the mighty roar of the T-Rex blew it over to where those nerdy Brontosaurs hang out.
And that right there is why the T-Rex is everyone's favorite dinosaur.  Why he has the ability to play the bad guy AND the hero in any talking dinosaur fiction.  I don't see any Russians doing that.  People like to think things should be so easy that if something's going wrong, they're bigger than everyone, so they can just eat it.  Or at the very least step on it.  That's why I'm proposing Tyrannosaurus Rex cloning, just like that movie, Home Alone.  Not because I want to visit a theme park where Newman shuts the electricity off and Sam Neil reluctantly wisecracks his way into saving some sort of annoying sort of cute kids, but because this country needs some new leadership and Tyrannosaurus Rex would make a great president.  What are the biggest problems facing this country right now?  The economy?  A T-Rex can fix that- get a job or he'll eat you.  Terrorists?  Ask the terror-dactyls how that worked out for them. (hint: they're extinct)  And look, it's time we finally got tough with Canada.  Who better to do it than the tyrant lizard king?  Or Tyrant Lizard President, as the case may be.  T-Rex would be like Washington, Lincoln, and Roosevelt all rolled into one.  And a kimono dragon.

Some people might look at the Tyrannosaurus and wonder why this mighty beast had tiny arms, but the T-Rex had nothing to prove- why should he spend hours at the gym pumping iron when he could be out eating and smushing things?  And roaring.

Another thing that grown-ups waste time wondering about is what color the T-Rex could have possibly been.  He was probably some sort of tree color, but again, it probably didn't matter.  Though some educational programs would have us believe its skin was purple with a green underbelly.

In summation, the only thing better than a Tyrannosaurus is a space Tyrannosaurus, and for all we know, there's one out there- shot off in a Superman-like space pod by his scientist dinosaur parents, although, those parents were probably cool enough to send out a few other T-Rexes so the first one didn't get so lonely, because sending out only one member of a dying race seems kind of cruel- that would be a pretty lonely existence, wouldn't it? Yeah, I bet there's a ton of Tyrannosaurs floating around out there in space, watching over us right now.

TOP TEN REJECTED WOMEN'S HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

10. Sexy Garbage Collector
9. Sexy Oprah
8. Sexy Chewbacca
7. Sexy Alex Trebek
6. Sexy Bratwurst
5. The Hulk
4. Sexy Nurse    .....to the elderly
3. Sexy Manatee
2. Sexy Abe Lincoln
1. Self-Respect!

Haikus From My Heart

 My back, it will itch
 In a place I cannot scratch
 Oh my the horror

Beans are not magic
They aren't even musical
Beans are not fruit

Tap water is gross
Should be metal rust water
Tastes like a penny

Super Mario
Fly with your hat, leaf, cape, fly
Mushroom Kingdom below

The visor is broke
In my Hyundai Sonata
Duct tape is happy

Internet: home of
Darkness, knowledge, money, fame
Also, free Dilbert

A Horror-ible Idea

Horror movies AKA "Scary movies" make up a large percentage of the movie industry these days.  This is because for some reason, human beings enjoy the sensation of fear. Which I don't quite think is its intended biological purpose.  Going to bed and having the thought of a knife wielding killer lurking right outside waiting until you let your guard down or a demon out to possess and destroy you and everything you love is terrifying, and therefore fun for millions of people.  I guess not being able to sleep or being ready for ghost murderer to attack you around every corner at night is fun?  Either that or it's fun at the time and then we spend all night trying to think about something else, and NOT imagine what's hiding in the shadows.  Watching a scary movie is one of the only things we do purposely and then try not to think about later on.  What is this doing to us a species?  Are we going to start bathing ourselves in honey and/or plankton and venture out in the woods and/or sea, for hopes of running into a large, hungry bear and/or whale?  An angry one at that*?  (goes without saying for the whale)  Forget hugs, smiles, chocolate, and exercise- fear is the new happy.
Since fear is something we are supposed to feel to help our bodies avoid being in a dangerous situation, I think it makes sense to capitalize on another feeling people have to keep themselves safe: the feeling of smell.  That's why I'm thinking of launching a new line of garbage can that comes pre-stinked.  They're going to make people jump as high as someone with a creepy mask on lurking behind your shower curtain. They're going to be just as morbidly fascinating as someone sawing off their own leg to escape some sort of clown puppet with a swirly gig on his face.  And at the low rate of $49.99, they're going to be cheaper than going to the movies. 









*Sea Bears and Land Whales love honey and plankton.

Sun ≠ Balloon

I thought it might be fun for me to be interviewed again for the blog, so here's another round of Questions annnnnnd Answers!


Q: Well, here we are again, how have you been lately?
A: Well, I've been doing great!  Having a good time writing in the blog every night.


Q: You mean every night except Fridays and Saturdays?
A: OK, sure.  That's what I meant.  How have you been?

Q: I've been great.  At least I know what the word "every" means.
A: Hey now.  Uncalled for.

Q: No, you're right.  I apologize.
A: Thank you because I think-


Q: Do you ever look out into space and think about how small we all are?
A: Actually, yes, sometimes.

Q: Because you probably shouldn't.  You're kind of short, so it would make sense for you, but- most of us- you know....we're a lot bigger than molecules.
A: Yes, I did know that, and I don't think I'm that short- maybe about average height, besides what does-

Q: What about the sun?  Do you ever look into the sun and think about how small you are?
A: No, of course not.

Q: You think maybe that might be a good idea?
A: No.  I do not.  I thought we were going to talk about the blog.

Q: There's blogs in the sun.  Didn't you know that?
A: There are no blogs in the sun.  Are you talking about blots?


Q: No, blogs.  Like the one you write for.  Every night.  Except Fridays and Saturdays?
A: Yes.  And no, I'm pretty sure there are no blogs in the sun.  That doesn't make any sense.

Q: There's helium in the sun, right?
A: I believe so.

Q: But the sun doesn't just float away, does it?
A: No, but that's because it has an incredible mass, it's not just made up of helium, and besides, an object full of helium would behave differently in space than it would here on Earth.

Q: Oh, so you think you're better than me now?
A: No!  I mean....I don't even really know-


Q: Well you are, ok?  I just littered outside.  Just now.  I was eating a Western Bacon Cheeseburger, finished, and threw the wrapper at a trash can, basketball style- but I missed.  And then I didn't want to go over and pick it up off the ground and put it in the trash can because it was kinda far and there were a few people around, it would have been kind of embarrassing.  I mean...who does that sort of thing?
A: Oh, well don't feel too bad about-

Q: Thanks for your time!  Make sure and read Wonderblog!  The Highly Rated Blog of Choice
Updated Sundays - Thurs. nights.

Cereal? Killer.

Cereal:  The breakfast treat that seemed like a normal way to start your day when you were a kid and didn't know any better, now it seems like a normal way to start your heart palpitations by 9am and diabetes by 11.
But how could we not love them?  Unbeknownst to our stupid and/or lazy parents, cereal was like eating candy!!  Some of them were even filled WITH candy!  We were brainwashed to love them on the cartoons we watched, the boxes were all at eye level at the supermarket, and they all had delightful, lovable cartoons pushing them on us.  It was all irresistible.  Or was it?  Looking back, I'm thinking it's possible we just liked the cereal because it was eating candy for breakfast.

In the name of science, I have decided to grade each cereal mascot/spokesman.

Sonny from Cocoa Puffs

So for a bowl of chocolate puffs, why not a cuckoo*?  OK, I get it, he's cuckoo for cocoa puffs, alliteration, it sounds good, it's fun to say.  But I'm not sure this character that looks like its had a bowl of its own product and a danish (part of this balanced breakfast) is the best choice for the front of the box.  He's not very appetizing.  Ugly color, annoying voice, but the catch phrase is pretty good.

B-





The Honey Nut Cherrios Bee



Apparently the bee's name is "Buzz" as was decided by some 4th grader in a contest a couple years ago.  Three people entered the contest.  The Cherrios bee is a pretty good mascot- he's sort of weird looking, with the two giant teeth, shirt and shoes but no pants, and human like eyes but I guess they couldn't really make it look like a real bee.  A very logical choice for a cereal based on its honey taste, he's not very annoying, but also sort of forgettable.
B
(and no I didn't give it that just because it is one.  though I would have if it didn't deserve one)



Lucky the Leprechaun

Leprechauns are lucky, the cereal does seem a little magical, he's got a great catchphrase, "You'll never get a hold o' me Lucky Charms".  This makes sense.  I think we have a homerun here.
A





Cap'n Crunch

Questions abound.
-Is his name supposed to be "Cap and Crunch"?  I don't think it is.  But that's how it's spelled.
-His uniform looks more like an admiral's to me, and though I'm not nautical expert, this seems suspicious.
-What exactly is he the captain of?  Crunch?  Or is that his last name?
-His eyebrows are either busting through his hat, or floating in midair, and his mustache is growing OUT of the side of his nose.  What's going on here?

It's a great name, and the cereal seems to be named after the character, which is unique.  I have a soft spot for Cap'n Crunch, but there's just too many questions.

C



Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bakers

 

 This happened in my lifetime.  As a child, there were 3 bakers.  I don't know what they did, maybe one of them made the toast, one of them put on the cinnamon, and the other supplied the crunch somehow.  It didn't matter, that's just the way it was.  And we were fine with that.  But then, without warning, BAM.  Two of them were gone.  It was like my father had gone and left our family.  ...ok it wasn't anywhere near as bad, but it was very unsettling to little me.  What happened to the other 2 bakers?  The fat one was the only one who survived.  I've always felt that he ate them.  A baker sort of makes sense for this cereal, but for nearly sending me into therapy:

F

Tony the Tiger




 Look at him!  He knows Frosted Flakes are Grrrrreat (even though I'm not sure tigers make the sound "grrrr") and he's not afraid to let us know it!  Whoever drew that cartoon did a great job- I would totally hang out with Tony the Tiger.  He's fun, good at sports, and clearly has a good sense of fashion- look at his dapper "tony" bandanna!  Frosted Flakes have nothing to do with Tigers, but what else are they going to do?  Animate a flake?  Gross.  Just for the catchphrase alone:

 A

Sugar Bear

Hey, I like bears as much as the next guy- but nobody wants a sexy voiced cereal mascot.  Points because a bear would know about honey.

D



The Trix Rabbit

 This poor guy can't catch a break.  So what if he eats some trix?  Just give it to him, ya greedy little buggers!  I have no idea what "trix" are supposed to be, so I guess a rabbit makes sense...everybody knows "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!"- which is good for them, but bad for the rest of us, since everyone thinks they're funny when saying it but they never are.  He gets a sympathy grade from me.

A

Dig 'em The Honey Smacks Frog


 Creepy.  Ugly.  Annoying.  Doesn't help get my mind off the fact that Honey Smacks look kind of like a bottom.

F


Snap Crackle Pop


I think we can all agree Rice Krispies kind of suck.  They need to be glued together into squares with marshmallows for us to enjoy them, the only thing they really have going for them is the fun noise they make when you pour milk on them.  Points for making that the focus of your cereal with these characters.  However, I'm confused.  What are these things? Are they people?  Elves?  Is the one on the right in the circus?  The one on the left the only chef?  Did the middle one just get out of bed?  Plus, give them personalities- I know nothing about these guys.  Did one of them recently end his marriage?  Has one been struggling with his faith for many years?  These are things I want to know before purchasing my cereal.

C



Toucan Sam

 Nice enough.  Colorful.  Pretty benign cereal mascot.  But upon closer inspection, things aren't as rosy as they would seem.  What are toucans supposed to know about fruit?  Nothing, I say, Fruit Loops taste nothing like fruit!  Liar!  And according to a cursory "toucan sense of smell" search on google, toucans do NOT have a very good sense of smell at ALL!  So no, Toucan Sam- while you seem like a perfectly nice fellow, I will NOT be following your nose.  And you don't even have a nose!  You have a beak!

C


Nothing

 INCOMPLETE





 Cookie Crisp Cop/Robber/Dog and Wolf






 Cookie Crisp, one of the worst cereals in town, had a fine mascot.  They were even smart enough to play on the "trying to steal the cereal it's so good" shtick that Trix had the market cornered on.  The dog howled "CoooOOOOkie Crisp" and that was catchy enough.  Things were going swimmingly.  Then some hotshot marketing shmo over at Nestle thought it would be great to pull the rug out from under all of us.  AS IF WE WOULDN'T NOTICE.  With no warning, some stupid WOLF is here eating Cookie Crisp with two spoons??  Give me a break.  I'm not even going to dignify him by pointing out how ridiculous his purple nose looks.  Major points lost for indecision, and an overall worse move.

F-



Fred and Barney

Interesting.  Taking established characters to promote your cereal.  Lovable, funny, well-known, pebbles were big in the stone age, it makes sense.  Terribly unoriginal.

C+






Frankenberry, Count Chocula, and Boo Berry

 .......Sigh.
I just don't know what to make of these guys.  The concept is entirely amusing.  I loved getting these as a kid, and I know my cousins did too.  Chocula sounds like Dracula and incorporates chocolate, Boo-berry sounds like blueberry and boo is something a ghost would say- those are great....but....Frankenberry?  "Stein" and "Berry"?  Not really seeing it.  Same with "Franken" and "Straw".  I think you forced it General Mills.
How could I know nothing about these characters?  Do they WANT us to eat their cereal?  Are they really scary?  What do they even sound like?  This is a problem.  As is the fact they're sold year-round.  We don't buy candy canes in June for a reason.   


B-/C+






*This has to be one of the weirdest spelled words around.  Koo-koo is spelled "cuck-oo"?

Asparagusers Syndrome

I've just about had it with asparagus.  It was behind the 8-ball to being with, being a vegetable and all, but then this whole smell thing had to come into play.  It seems that 50% of the population doesn't have the smell issue, so if you're one of the 50%, consider yourself lucky.  But asparagus doesn't taste particularly good, it's not very pretty like a nice radish or some leafy celery, and even the word asparagus isn't very attractive.
The smelling isn't a surprise though, as according to some research my crack team has done*, asparagus is a cousin of onions and garlic.  The next time I stink, I think I will blame my cousins too.  Smart move, asparagus.




*I am the only member of my team, I just wanted to mention that I had a "crack team" of something for once.

Smart Talk with Art Krenshaw: Oct. 11th

Good news everyone!  Though he's having an incredibly busy semester, I've been able to track down Art Krenshaw for another reader question.  This installment, Art answers some questions about working in an office.

Art Krenshaw is an expert in human behavior.  He's studied sociology and anthropology at Northern Kansas University and currently teaches on the side.

 SMART TALK

with

ART KRENSHAW

Mr. Krenshaw, 
I know this is a small problem, and I don't want to seem petty, but I don't feel like I can ask my husband, my friends or the rest of my family for fear they would chide me for getting disturbed by something so insignificant.  
My situation goes as follows:  in my office, there are 9 people occupying a few rooms controlled by one thermostat.  I frequently am freezing, enough so that it's hard for me to concentrate on my work!  The problem gets even worse when I try to adjust the temperature, there are a few of my co-workers who jump all over me for changing it!  What sort of solution do you recommend for this problem?
Sincerely,
Chilled Out

Chilled Out,

Believe it or not, I get multiple questions of this type in my inbox everytime I do an installment of Smart Talk with Art Krenshaw.  Don't feel bad about having a different body type than some of your office mates, the important thing here is to speak up for yourself in a civilized manner.  I have two suggestions for you.  One is to take a trip to the store, a thrift store will do, and buy a handful of large coats or sweaters.  Make sure they are big enough for all of your different coworkers.  I would then purchase a large fan, a large retail or bulk warehouse are great places to find deals for a fan big enough to use in an office.  After you've done that, study up on your electrical circuits.  Nothing too crazy, and I'm not going to suggest you do anything illegal with those wires, just enough to be able to control some of your office wiring.  Once you get to work, get out your fan and plug it in.  Arrange the coats and sweaters in a nice big pile in the middle of the floor.  Then set fire to the coats.  Use your fan to make sure the flames get nice and large.  When your coworkers try to complain, hold up the cords you've cut from all of your office phones and internet, effectively disabling any communication with the outside world.  Once they head for the exits, they'll find you've locked all the doors, and that's when you use the fire extinguisher you've hidden beneath your desk to extinguish the flames.  Your coworkers will then view you as a loose cannon, and probably not challenge you over something as trivial as office temperature. 

Or just quit your job.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wonderful Art!  Your advice is well-said and well taken.  Until next time, this has been another edition of Smart Talk- With Art Krenshaw!

Toothpaste is Not Paste Made From Teeth

What a night!  Wow, I just cut my way through a jungle of server 503 errors trying to reach this page- I'm relieved I finally made it to the "post" section, and I could bring this delight that I have planned to you guys.
I wonder if all five-hundred and two servers are making fun of 503 right now.  Although 504 seems to be acting up quite a bit too.  They just don't make 'em like they used to....eh, server 429?


While I was driving my classic '06 Hyunda Sonata today, I looked down at the speed-o-meter (this is how I've decided things that end in "ometer" should now be spelled and pronounced) and saw something:

 

I was driving with my doors open!!  At 0 miles an hour!!!  Thankfully my H and C meter was nearly at "tattered flag" which is exactly where you want it to be.  That and my

AIR

BAG

Light was on.  Apparently the people who designed this car thought that story needed 2 paragraphs.   That wasn't the thing I noticed though- I found the speed-o-meter to be amusing.  Why does this go up to 150 mph?  When and where would I be in a situation that would call for a 150 mile per hour getaway?  In a Hyundai Sonata?  The only thing I could think of is if I was trying to catch the roadrunner, found out he was going approximately 148 miles per hour, purchased a few ACME rockets, strapped them to the roof of my car and hung out the window with a knife and fork.*  I also don't think that I would be bothering to look down at my speed-o-meter should I be traveling at a speed twice that of what a normal person drives on the freeway.  And come on, Hyundai.  You've already got it at 150, why not keep the trend of using 20mph increments and put it up to 160.  Who's going to call you on that?

There's something else I'd like to point out:

 

Well, two things I'd like to point out I guess.

There's directions on toothpaste.  That, and the surface of a tube of toothpaste does not react well to the flash on my camera.
Since I wasn't able to get the entire directions, and I wasn't about to spend more than 30 seconds photographing a tube of toothpaste, here's what it says:

Directions -adults and children 12yrs. & older: apply at least a 1-inch strip of the product onto a soft bristled toothbrush.  Brush teeth thoroughly for at least 1 minute twice a day (morning and evening) or as recommended by a dentist.  Make sure to brush all sensitive areas of the teeth.

Ohhhhhhh.  So that's how you work a toothpaste!  I was wondering about that.  And here I had my toothbrush un-bristled all this time! 

Unfortunately though, I am not quite sure where the "sensitive area of the teeth" is.  Maybe the ....tooth...part???

Maybe for another post I'll call the number on the back of the toothpaste that says "Questions?" and ask them.






*Another Looney Tunes joke too soon?  Or was that a good job of tying this post back to another one?

I'm Cramping More Than Your Style

So I'm asleep, peacefully dreaming of a guy who invented a metal brain plate to keep himself alive in a post-apocalyptic zombie infested world when .....FIRE!.....IN MY LEG.  I was transported to the world of cramp calf.  Except it wasn't instant.  One moment I was in zombie world, then I wake up from a deep sleep, not aware enough to be able to tell which way I'm facing in the room, but still I have enough time to think " (hmm my leg feels kind of tight....!  ohcrapohcrapohcrap...maybe if I can just stretch it out or massage it a li-AGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" and then there I am writhing on the mattress like an animal in a bear trap.  And it hurts.  I can't help but think though, that this is some sort of practical joke being played on me.  Because the fact that I wake up with juuuust enough time to fool myself into thinking maybe I can prevent it this time is cruel.  And honestly, what biological function could this serve?  Thinning out the herd?  Did all my ancestors with muscular calves get eaten by sabre-tooth tigers? (sabre-toothed?)
For those of you this has never happened to, I implore you, take care of your embarrassingly skinny calf muscles.  So what if you can't kick a ball very far or you don't look quite as good in heels, at least there's no chance of you limping off to find a banana first thing in the morning.
Since I don't really have any note to end this on, here's a picture of a Lightsaber-toothed tiger...who also has green eyes.....and one of them is cross-eyed, that I think must not go unnoticed.  Thank you, google images.

Perfect for killing Wookiee Mammoths

Nobody Even Called it "Facepage" or "Bookspace" Like my Mom Does. That Movie was Fake.

Over the weekend I was fortunate enough to see the new Columbia pictures movie "The Social Network" aka "The Facebook Movie", which is what everyone is really calling it.  I know not everyone has the time or money to go to the movies, and there's a lot of duds out there who think any event outside of their living rooms is "too much of a haaaasle" so I thought it might help everyone out if I did a summary.

Back in 2003, the sun never came out at Harvard.  With the world covered in darkness by David Fincher, the United States was a world nobody wanted to live in, especially because all of the music sounded like it was processed through a robot, even classical masterpieces like "In the Hall of the Mountian King".  So everyone turned to the guy who was the biggest nerd they could find to fix things.  Since nobody was sure where to find this person, we looked at Harvard, where everyone is better than anyone.  Still, there are a lot of people at Harvard, so to find the right person they just waited until they found someone who was so smart they answered a teacher's snarky question as they were leaving the middle of his class!  Clearly, a genius at work. This person's name was Mark Zuckerberg, although Mark Zuckerman sounds a lot better to me.  After they found the right guy, they realized they needed formulas and equations to fix things, but there was a problem.  NOBODY HAD ANY PAPER!!  Zuckerburgerman had been typing on a laptop all along and I'm sure there was paper around, but nobody who's a genius in college writes like us humans, so him and his sidekick had to write on the windows.  Then they made facebook and the guy was a huge jerk to everyone, but people liked facebook anyway because myspace had a bunch of glitter and creepy people on it.  Then Justin Timberlake came along and also acted like a jerk, which made everyone like facebook even more because it was double jerk.  Oh and everyone drank a bunch of martinis but nobody was drunk somehow.  Probably because of the internet.
Then everyone ended up suing Zuckerstein because that's a rich person's way of beating someone up, and because the movie needed more ways to show his irreverence.  A bunch of people looked out the window and were forlorn and we all realized the way we're living our lives has changed dramatically and the Oscars immediately regretted the fact that they have to pick 10 movies to nominate for best picture because afterward we all realized movies have been pretty crappy this year.

I'd Pay to See the Rubber Band in Concert

What happened to cartoons these days?  Back when I was little, it was great- we got to see animals partially clothed running around getting shot or getting anvils dropped on their heads.  If it wasn't for looney tunes, I wouldn't even know what an anvil was.  So what half the characters had speech impediments, the main human used words like "varmints" and Speedy Gonzales was offensive, (...or was he?  he was very fast and always outsmarted the stupid/partially crafty American cat....I haven't seen one in probably 15 years because they've been banned or frowned upon or something so I can't really say), I also learned a lot from Looney Tunes.

-If I ever need something delivered quickly, I will order it from ACME
-If I ever want something to work, I will NOT order it from ACME
-Road Runners are purple, about 4 feet tall, say "beep beep" and can run faster than cars and rockets.
-Rockets are only bright red, work the same way as dynamite, and you can ride on them.
-Umbrellas don't prevent boulders from crushing you, but probably at least soften the blow.
-Southern Roosters are jerks.
-Canaries are annoying.
-Humans are roughly the same size as a cat, rabbit, rooster, duck, coyote, and pig.
-Classical music is the most violent of all music.

Just to name a few.  Nowadays, what are kids learning?  Nothing!  Cartoons are just commercials.  And I know Dora the explorer gets picked on a lot...but she deserves it!  I knew how to find things that were sitting right in front of me, and I think it's better to go through life thinking if someone gets smashed behind a door, the worst thing that can happen to them is they turn into an accordion for roughly 2 seconds.

Everything was better about cartoons for us.  Look, as awful as "Speedy Gonzales: Los Gatos Banditos" was, I'm sure it was infinitely better than "Dora Super Spies"....well, no, actually, the Speedy Gonzales game is probably even worse than it looks, and I gotta admit that car Dora is building looks pretty cool, and that mole guy looks pretty funny.  Except I'm not sure why he has rooster hair.  Video game failures aside, I think that was part of the charm of the Looney Tunes gang- we didn't need the cartoons to be politically correct, or educational, or non-violent, or "hip" by being on a video game.  They were outrageous characters in outrageous situations, they were there to make us laugh and only to make us laugh, and that's what made them so great. 

Although I will admit, I never really did like Bugs Bunny.  He was kind of a jerk.

Inspired by me Remarking to the Entire Office Today How I Couldn't Believe it Was Already October

I have relatives, an office job, and a social life.  This means I encounter a lot of small talk.  Which is fine, most of the time I enjoy talking to people.  But some days you just don't feel like speaking to anyone.  Like days when it's cloudy.  So I thought it would be useful to come up with responses to some standard prompts for small talk.  If you've ever had enough, go ahead and feel free to use one, guaranteed to make sure the person initiating the small talk never makes the mistake of trying to be mildly friendly to you again!

Comment: It is freezing outside!
Response: Yes, but it's burning up INside...(as you slowly point to your heart)

C: Did you see (NAME OF REALITY SHOW) last night?
R: I did.  But define reality.  Is this real?

C: How was your Christmas?
R: Sweaty.

C: Can you believe how HOT it is today?
R: No, and neither can Horace!

C: Have I shown you this picture yet?
R: No, have I shown you my Dorito collection yet?

C: Hi!  How is your mother?
R: Wonderful.  She's probably at home right now, watching her stories.  ...I'm sorry, I meant to say she's probably in her grave right now, watching the roof of her coffin.  ...No, I misspoke, how terrible of me to say!  She's not watching anything, she's dead.

C: I just put some coffee on the pot if you'd like some.
R: A quark is an elementary particle and a fundamental constituent of matter.  Quarks combine to form composite particles called hadrons, the most stable of which are protons and neutrons, the components of atomic nuclei.  Due to a phenomenon known as color confinement, quarks are never found in isolation; they can only be found within hadrons.  For this reason, much of what is known about quarks has been drawn from observations of the hadrons themselves.

C: How about that game?
R: The only game I play is Balderdash.  It's hilarious.  It's outrageous.  It's pure Balderdash!

C: Can you believe how fast today has gone?
R: (stunned) ....I'LL GET IT BACK!!  (and then bolt for the door)

C: How are you today?
R:

   

Guide to Interacting with NFL Fans at a Game

It's Sunday, so why not another football blog!


A) The Typical Fan
This person is at the game because they want to see their team live, and want to cheer them on- make some crowd noise and disrupt the other team, see all the things the cameras don't pick up.  They can usually be seen wearing a replica jersey of their favorite player, and headgear with the teams logo on it.  They are interested in a good game, booing and cheering appropriately, and are typically friendly.  Feel free to engage this person in conversation, they may even politely teach you a thing or two about the game should you require some future schooling as to the players or rules of the game.

B) The Casual Fan
This person enjoys going to a game, but normally wouldn't make a point of it.  They like the team when they win, know a couple players, check the scores the next day, and know enough to talk shop when necessary in business or social situations.  This person is what a lot of the other fans refer to as "dead weight"- in crucial moments of the game, they can often be seen, but not heard, partially nullifying the point of going to the game.  Team gear is borrowed or still has a price tag on it 85% of the time.  This person is wonderful to have around during blowouts, but can be easily distracted, which angers our next game attendant:

C) The Die-Hard
Much like Bruce Willis, this fan can often be heard yelling some variation of Mother + the F word.  They become visibly angry when things don't go right on the field- at everyone.  The players, the coaches, the opposing teams' players and coaches, and ESPECIALLY other fans.  It's always someone else's fault- for not cheering enough, for wearing the other teams' jersey, or for jinxing the team by wearing the away jersey to a home game.  They are constantly trying to lead cheers and always will be the last person awkwardly participating in chants, well after the rest of the crowd has stopped.  This person should be avoided unless the game is going wonderfully for their team, and even then, proceed with caution, because any incorrect information about the team is taken personally as you are not worthy of calling yourself a fan of team X should you not be able to name their right guard and 3rd-down back.  After a tough loss, run the other way.  Projectiles are commonly seen from the Die-Hard's area of occupancy.

D) The Drunk
Easily confused with the Die-Hard at first, due to their apparent passion for the team, it takes only about a quarter of play before it's obvious the only game this person is interested in watching is the "See how much time you can spend away from your seat in the bathroom or beer line" award.  They also contain some know-it-all qualities of the die-hard, just without the correctness.  Avoid at all costs- this person has no knowledge of social cues to end an interaction and will keep talking about a player the team hasn't had for years as if they just scored minutes ago.  They also have no knowledge of physical space or the volume of their voice, so keep your distance if possible.

E) The Idiot
The Idiot is at the game to get into a fight, because clearly anyone who doesn't root for the same local team as you must be a member of the Al-Quida-Communists.  Either that, or they realize their manhood (as they are typically male) isn't fully realized unless they are throwing blows over a remark about the lack of success their team had or is having.  They can be seen blocking the game from view from other fans, slinging vulgar and incorrect sports related insults, and acting much the way they think a WWE bad guy should act.  When in fact they're not getting paid, and are probably only acting like they want to fight over a game because they know nothing about what's going on and would be incredibly bored if they were paying attention to it.  Avoid eye contact with this person, much as you would a rabid hippopotamus.

F) The Babe
Some women like to show-off.  What better place than a football game?  Their knowledge of the game usually ends at the fact that there is a game.  Gentlemen who may be interested in this sort of thing, don't even bother, they tend to run in packs (much like the Banshee) or with overprotective Idiots.

G)The Drunk Idiot Pseudo-Babe
Any football fans' worst nightmare.  They feel the need to cheer the loudest, sing songs that aren't being played the loudest, and ask the absolute worst questions at the worst possible time.  So unless you're interested in letting them know where the nearest yogurt shop is during 4th and goal with 15 seconds left, absolutely avoid them like the plague.

and finally,

H) The Baby Fan
Easily the best way to get on the jumbotron.  Find a baby wearing the home team's logo, then enjoy your 1.9 seconds of fame.