I Remeber How Funny it was When I Discovered the Word "Dumbwaiter"

Dear Waiters,

I know I have never been one of you, and I'm supposed to not be able to say ANYTHING bad about you unless I've been one, but I've worked retail jobs and have a blog, so I'm going to say something anyway.
When you ask if I have any questions about the menu, and I say "Is this printed on plastic, or laminated?" It's ok to laugh, I promise!
I know that you get more money the more money I spend, however, I am allowed to just order water to drink or split a meal.  Maybe I'm watching my wallet, maybe my waist, maybe I just want some thirst quenching water!  Save the disappointed look of scorn.  I will keep in mind that you're getting less than if I ordered a drink that costs 5 times what it would if I got it at the grocery store when I'm leaving a tip.
When I'M being obnoxious and forgetting to look at the menu because I'm having an engrossing conversation, go ahead and call me out on it, I know you want to move on, and I'm sitting there to order food.
If you're not in the mood for small talk, don't fake it.  I can sense you forcing it and it makes things awkward for us both.  I know people have bad days at work, just grab the food and go.  It's cool, really.  You're there to carry food from one place to another, not to be my friend.
Thank you for knowing that when you come by and ask how my food is, me nodding my head means "the food is good" and not "yes".
Save the "OH, YOU HATED THAT, DIDNT YOU???" joke when I've cleaned my plate.  We've heard it before.
Again, don't act like I told you your goatee is stupid when I say I'm not interested in any dessert. 
I like smiley faces and hearts to dot the letter I on my receipt. 

Thanks, I enjoy you almost all of the time, I hope that I tip fairly and that you enjoy working with me as a customer.

Sincerely,

The grown man who asks for crayons and a children's menu