But how could we not love them? Unbeknownst to our stupid and/or lazy parents, cereal was like eating candy!! Some of them were even filled WITH candy! We were brainwashed to love them on the cartoons we watched, the boxes were all at eye level at the supermarket, and they all had delightful, lovable cartoons pushing them on us. It was all irresistible. Or was it? Looking back, I'm thinking it's possible we just liked the cereal because it was eating candy for breakfast.
In the name of science, I have decided to grade each cereal mascot/spokesman.
Sonny from Cocoa Puffs
So for a bowl of chocolate puffs, why not a cuckoo*? OK, I get it, he's cuckoo for cocoa puffs, alliteration, it sounds good, it's fun to say. But I'm not sure this character that looks like its had a bowl of its own product and a danish (part of this balanced breakfast) is the best choice for the front of the box. He's not very appetizing. Ugly color, annoying voice, but the catch phrase is pretty good.
B-
The Honey Nut Cherrios Bee
Apparently the bee's name is "Buzz" as was decided by some 4th grader in a contest a couple years ago. Three people entered the contest. The Cherrios bee is a pretty good mascot- he's sort of weird looking, with the two giant teeth, shirt and shoes but no pants, and human like eyes but I guess they couldn't really make it look like a real bee. A very logical choice for a cereal based on its honey taste, he's not very annoying, but also sort of forgettable.
B
(and no I didn't give it that just because it is one. though I would have if it didn't deserve one)
Lucky the Leprechaun
Leprechauns are lucky, the cereal does seem a little magical, he's got a great catchphrase, "You'll never get a hold o' me Lucky Charms". This makes sense. I think we have a homerun here.
A
Cap'n Crunch
Questions abound.
-Is his name supposed to be "Cap and Crunch"? I don't think it is. But that's how it's spelled.
-His uniform looks more like an admiral's to me, and though I'm not nautical expert, this seems suspicious.
-What exactly is he the captain of? Crunch? Or is that his last name?
-His eyebrows are either busting through his hat, or floating in midair, and his mustache is growing OUT of the side of his nose. What's going on here?
It's a great name, and the cereal seems to be named after the character, which is unique. I have a soft spot for Cap'n Crunch, but there's just too many questions.
C
Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bakers
This happened in my lifetime. As a child, there were 3 bakers. I don't know what they did, maybe one of them made the toast, one of them put on the cinnamon, and the other supplied the crunch somehow. It didn't matter, that's just the way it was. And we were fine with that. But then, without warning, BAM. Two of them were gone. It was like my father had gone and left our family. ...ok it wasn't anywhere near as bad, but it was very unsettling to little me. What happened to the other 2 bakers? The fat one was the only one who survived. I've always felt that he ate them. A baker sort of makes sense for this cereal, but for nearly sending me into therapy:
F
Tony the Tiger
Look at him! He knows Frosted Flakes are Grrrrreat (even though I'm not sure tigers make the sound "grrrr") and he's not afraid to let us know it! Whoever drew that cartoon did a great job- I would totally hang out with Tony the Tiger. He's fun, good at sports, and clearly has a good sense of fashion- look at his dapper "tony" bandanna! Frosted Flakes have nothing to do with Tigers, but what else are they going to do? Animate a flake? Gross. Just for the catchphrase alone:
A
Sugar Bear
Hey, I like bears as much as the next guy- but nobody wants a sexy voiced cereal mascot. Points because a bear would know about honey.
D
The Trix Rabbit
This poor guy can't catch a break. So what if he eats some trix? Just give it to him, ya greedy little buggers! I have no idea what "trix" are supposed to be, so I guess a rabbit makes sense...everybody knows "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!"- which is good for them, but bad for the rest of us, since everyone thinks they're funny when saying it but they never are. He gets a sympathy grade from me.
A
Dig 'em The Honey Smacks Frog
Creepy. Ugly. Annoying. Doesn't help get my mind off the fact that Honey Smacks look kind of like a bottom.
F
Snap Crackle Pop
I think we can all agree Rice Krispies kind of suck. They need to be glued together into squares with marshmallows for us to enjoy them, the only thing they really have going for them is the fun noise they make when you pour milk on them. Points for making that the focus of your cereal with these characters. However, I'm confused. What are these things? Are they people? Elves? Is the one on the right in the circus? The one on the left the only chef? Did the middle one just get out of bed? Plus, give them personalities- I know nothing about these guys. Did one of them recently end his marriage? Has one been struggling with his faith for many years? These are things I want to know before purchasing my cereal.
C
Toucan Sam
Nice enough. Colorful. Pretty benign cereal mascot. But upon closer inspection, things aren't as rosy as they would seem. What are toucans supposed to know about fruit? Nothing, I say, Fruit Loops taste nothing like fruit! Liar! And according to a cursory "toucan sense of smell" search on google, toucans do NOT have a very good sense of smell at ALL! So no, Toucan Sam- while you seem like a perfectly nice fellow, I will NOT be following your nose. And you don't even have a nose! You have a beak!
C
Nothing
INCOMPLETE
Cookie Crisp Cop/Robber/Dog and Wolf
Cookie Crisp, one of the worst cereals in town, had a fine mascot. They were even smart enough to play on the "trying to steal the cereal it's so good" shtick that Trix had the market cornered on. The dog howled "CoooOOOOkie Crisp" and that was catchy enough. Things were going swimmingly. Then some hotshot marketing shmo over at Nestle thought it would be great to pull the rug out from under all of us. AS IF WE WOULDN'T NOTICE. With no warning, some stupid WOLF is here eating Cookie Crisp with two spoons?? Give me a break. I'm not even going to dignify him by pointing out how ridiculous his purple nose looks. Major points lost for indecision, and an overall worse move.
F-
Fred and Barney
Interesting. Taking established characters to promote your cereal. Lovable, funny, well-known, pebbles were big in the stone age, it makes sense. Terribly unoriginal.
C+
Frankenberry, Count Chocula, and Boo Berry
.......Sigh.
I just don't know what to make of these guys. The concept is entirely amusing. I loved getting these as a kid, and I know my cousins did too. Chocula sounds like Dracula and incorporates chocolate, Boo-berry sounds like blueberry and boo is something a ghost would say- those are great....but....Frankenberry? "Stein" and "Berry"? Not really seeing it. Same with "Franken" and "Straw". I think you forced it General Mills.
How could I know nothing about these characters? Do they WANT us to eat their cereal? Are they really scary? What do they even sound like? This is a problem. As is the fact they're sold year-round. We don't buy candy canes in June for a reason.
B-/C+
*This has to be one of the weirdest spelled words around. Koo-koo is spelled "cuck-oo"?
No comments:
Post a Comment