Quartz

Quartz is the second most abundant mineral in the Earth's continental crust, after feldspar. It is made up of a continuous framework of SiO₄ silicon–oxygen tetrahedra, with each oxygen being shared between two tetrahedra, giving an overall formula SiO₂.
There are many different varieties of quartz, several of which are semi-precious gemstones. Especially in Europe and the Middle East, varieties of quartz have been since antiquity the most commonly used minerals in the making of jewelry and hardstone carvings.
The word "quartz" is derived from the German word "quarz" and its Middle High German ancestor "twarc", which probably originated in Slavic (cf. Czech tvrdy ("hard"), Polish twardy ("hard")).

april fools!

Sharks = Nerds?

 

 

I think that's evidence enough.

Lauren Makes a Phone Call

LAUREN: Hi hun.  How's your day doing?
LAUREN: Good!  I saw the Lakers made a big trade, you must be happy.
LAUREN: Oh the TV was on ESPN still when I turned it on.
LAUREN: So listen, we have to go to my parents' this weekend.
LAUREN: I know it's not your favorite place but they just redid the kitchen and they want everyone to come over and see it.
LAUREN: Well, yes they know about the attack.
LAUREN: No, I don't think there's a large chinchilla population in Glendora.
LAUREN: YES STEVEN I know a bite from a full grown chinchilla is enough to take off a man's fing-
LAUREN: No, I did not know it was strong enough to bite that off as well.  Though honestly, Steven I can't imagine a situation where a horde of chinchillas would be able to overpower you enough to where that could be even a remotely plausible scenario.
LAUREN: No.
LAUREN: No.
LAUREN: Wow they really did that?
LAUREN: Down in Columbia last night?
LAUREN: And it says here in the news the brood was spotted traversing up the Baja coast this afternoon...That is kind of scary.
LAUREN: OK, well maybe I'll call up Mom and explain the situation to her.  I know Mark will never listen to reason.  I wish she would have never married him.  Him and his stupid NASCAR.
LAUREN: No, you're right it's not his fault.  He's from Indiana.  Although I don't know why you stick up for him.
LAUREN: Alright, let me hang up the phone now.
LAUREN: Yes.
LAUREN: I love you too.


Lauren never made that call to her parents, as shortly after she hung up the phone she was attacked and killed by a mob of chinchillas.  We never found out what made them attack that day, and I don't think we ever will.

Do They Call Their Children Adults?

"Can you hand me my calculator?"
"Sure thing baby."

You might think that this dialogue was between a regular person and an ultra-smart infant, one plotting to take over the world, or possibly do its taxes from the business it started; "Baby Buggy Bumpers" a rubber padding you can easily line your stairs with- but no, if you thought that you would be wrong.  Dead wrong.  Ok, you'd probably be alive, but you'd still be wrong.
This conversation is between two adult humans!  Ones that are either dating or married!  To each other!  I know, it was hard for me to believe at first, I thought the genius baby scenario was much more plausible.  Apparently though, calling your significant other "Baby" is a term of affection or endearment.  Why you would compare the person you are attracted to to a baby is beyond me.  It's sick, actually.  Who wants to make out with a baby?
"Hey babe."
Is that an implication of a toothless, fat faced incontinent?  I'm surprised there are so many successful relationships with that kind of name calling  going on.

Where's the Box for "Everything but your commercials. And chicken."?

Over the weekend during a basketball game I was watching I saw a Domino's pizza commercial where they were advertising about their special new chicken recipe.  It makes sense.  You're already selling a product that has nothing to do with chickens, why not throw them in there too?  I know I can't have a good pepperoni pie without thinking about chicken.
On this commercial they advertise that they want to "get it right", so much so that they send the chicken in a box with three boxes on it to check off.

The commercial ends with the pizza man (chicken man?) acting all worried about these new boxes. 

....what?

I'm really confused as to what is expected of us.  Are we supposed to return our used boxes to our local Domino's with a box checked off?  Or is it implied that Domino's is going to dig through trash at the garbage dump looking for which box was checked on their chicken boxes?  Maybe the CEO is a little confused and thinks the boxes are somehow connected to the internet?  Either way, their stunt was dumb enough to get me talking about it, so enjoy your free publicity; if my reader orders some Domino's chicken tonight, mission accomplished.  However, they probably will do so without any respect for your marketing, and what, Domino's, is more priceless?  The $5.55 that your chicken costs with a 2 topping Medium pizza also at the low price of $5.55, or having people not have the impression that we, the customer are idiots?  Wait, don't answer that.

I'm also a little confused about the options on the box.  I know if I cooked dinner with someone and invited some guests over, fed them the dinner and then asked "Did we get it right?" if they replied with "Oh yes we did."  I'd be very perplexed as to their use of the word "we", since they had nothing to do with the cooking of the dinner.  I guess Domino's is trying to be hip?  Word.

Inside the Minds of Creative Giants

INSIDE THE MARKETING DEPARTMENT FOR A CAR COMPANY


HEAD OF MARKETING: How should we market our new luxury sedan?
ASSOCIATE 1: Let's do a commercial!
HEAD OF MARKETING: Great idea.  What should we put in the commercial?
ASSOCIATE 2: How about the car!
HEAD OF MARKETING: Brilliant.  What else?
ASSOCIATE 3: We could have the car driving around?
HEAD OF MARKETING: How do we come up with this stuff?  Ok- that's perfect, but we need to do better than perfection.  What else could we possible do with this idea?
ASSOCIATE 1: .....
ASSOCIATE 2: .....
ASSOCIATE 3: .....
ASSOCIATE 4: .....
ASSOCIATE 1: We could have the car driving around an empty city!
ASSOCIATE 2: Or an empty winding road!
ASSOCIATE 3: Dangerously!
ASSOCIATE 4: Or a barren desert!
HEAD OF MARKETING: Of COURSE!   All the perfect places our target audience wants to and could possibly drive our car!  Gentlemen, we all earned our six figure salaries today, let's go get drunk!  Who cares if it's 2pm?



INSIDE THE LOONEY TUNES WRITERS ROOM


WRITER: We need to come up with a new character.
OTHER WRITER: How about an animal with a speech impediment?
ALL WRITERS: Let's do it!



INSIDE THE COORS/BUD/MILLER LITE MARKETING DEPARTMENT


MARKETING MANAGER: How can we distract the public from our terrible tasting product?
ASSOCIATE 1: Boobs!
ASSOCIATE 2: And something wacky happens!
ASSOCIATE 3: A guy's pants light on fire!
 (someone in the office's PANTS actually light on FIRE)
ALL: PARTYYYY TIMMEEE

Animal Sayings

Some animal sayings work, like "busy little beaver" - beavers generally seem like they would be busy animals, what with their dam building and all.  But most of them....they're pretty ridiculous.


Sick as a dog What?  Are dogs generally sick animals?  I've seen a lot of old dogs, and even some sick dogs, but I don't understand this expression.

The cat's meow/ The cat's pajamas/ The cat's whiskers  What about all these things are so great? Also cats do not wear pajamas.

The bee's knees Bees do not have knees- so apparently if you told someone you think they're the bee's knees, that means you think they're non-existent?

Raining cats and dogs If I'm trying in earnest to think of how this saying is supposed to correlate with "It's raining a lot", the best I can do is....it's raining so much the water coming down looks like the shape of a cat or dog?  And that's terrible.  This might be the worst of them all.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth As mentioned yesterday, I do not know what a "gift horse" is...a horse that brings you a gift?  And I have no clue why looking it in the mouth would be a bad thing.

Busy bee/Birds and the bees Bees can be busy making honey, I get that, (even though most of the time they're just flying around landing on stuff, doesn't seem that busy to me) my problem is the laziness.  Clearly out of all the animals in the animal kingdom, we could have done better than the bee for our busiest, we just wanted to get cute with the alliteration and not think about it anymore.  And I also get the pollination angle for the birds and the bees thing- though I don't get what birds have to do with it- but again, having two things that start with the same letter does not equal a good expression.  My alternatives?  "Busy as a being" (as in "human", since that what they actually are) and "sex".

Birds of a feather flock together Are you trying to say "Birds that have the same kinds of feathers flock together"?  Because you're not.

Kill two birds with one stone I get this one too, but jeez.  They're just birds, lay off.

Chicken I don't really think of chickens as being the most cowardly of all animals.  And isn't it enough that we devour them more than any other animal, we have to humiliate them while we're at it?  We already have "Scaredy cat" and cats are pretty jumpy, I'm ok with that one.

The king of the jungle Lions don't live in the jungle.  Good one.

Don't have a cow What kind of sick freak thought of this saying?

To rat someone out Ah yes, the rat- commonly known for exposing its friends or brethren for personal gain.

Eat crow How far back do these sayings go?  Did people actually eat crows to admit they were wrong?

Pigeon hole Yes....you'd hate to be stuck in those holes that pigeons are always hiding out in.   Either that or....I don't even want to know what else a pigeon hole could be.

There's more than one way to skin a cat Again, who is the sick freak who came up with this?  Why was anyone skinning cats? And what other way could there possibly be aside from using a sharp object?  Disgusting.

Piggyback What does this have to do with pigs?

My Horse is Amazing

Let's hear it for the unsung heroes of a generation.  The men and women who have lifted us up upon their backs and shoulders, the gravity that's kept us grounded, and shielded us from the horrors, terrors, and nightmares that we'd constantly be facing without their courage and honor.
Who else could I possibly be talking about but the 2nd person in a 2 person horse costume.  Not only does fronty get all the credit when the horse is unmasked, but you're in the back, bent over all night, literally being the butt of all the jokes made about you, in a hot smelly horse half.  People who we generally detest are often referred to as "a horse's ass", and yet here you are.  They tell us not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I say let's not look at a horse back half at all.  Also, I have no idea what a gift horse is, and why we can't look it in the mouth.

Scooby-Doo MYSTERIES

-Could they converse with Scooby-Doo?  If so, why go around solving mysteries when you have a talking dog?

-Why did they name their car "The Mystery Machine" when they could have named it "Mysterymobile"?

-Where did these people meet?  And how did they all become friends?  The preppy, the fashionable pretty one, the bookworm, the hippie, and a talking dog?

-Did they charge for their mystery solving?  If not, where did they get cash?

-The bad guys always referred to them as "kids", but how old were they?

-Was death possible in the Scooby-Doo universe?  If not, what were Shaggy and Scooby so afraid of?

-Did they name the dog after the brand of dog snacks "Scooby-snacks"?  If not, how was there a brand of dog treats named "Scooby Snacks"?

Even inserting Scooby-Doo into episode I would have been better than Jar-Jar

I Went to the Barber This Weekend

People have said to me "Oh, you got your haircut!"
I reply, "Which one?"

TOP O THE MORNIN TO YEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEE EE E.

What's up guys, it's me.  St. Patrick.  So- as I see a lot of you already knew, today was St. Patrick's day.  That's me!  I'm up here in heaven, watching over everybody on my day- and it's great you're all having a good time.  Really warms my heart- and honestly who else can say they have a day named after them that people actually get excited for?  I can think of like three people.  But- you guys.... come on.  I'm all for having a good time, but can we just incorporate a little bit of me into my day?  I don't even really like green.  It's ok, but I really like aqua.  Even a nice powder blue would be cool.  How about you honor me by saying a nice prayer?  And speaking of which, you know what I'm famous for right?  No, not the snakes- what the actual person St. Patrick was famous for- a prayer denouncing paganism!  And while I appreciate the irony- it sucks when you ask someone who they think of when they think of St. Patrick's day, they don't say "St. Patrick", they say "a leprechaun".  Man, I hate that guy!
Plus, you guys know I'm the patron saint of engineers, right?  Not a group exactly known for their partying.  Give old St. Regina the day of partying- she could use the cheering up.  She's the patron saint of Shepherdesses, and there's not a lot of those around anymore, she's pretty bored.  Oh, and the pinching!  Seriously guys, wtf.

Bug Guilt

Lord Fruqwan, King of the giant spiders speaks:

Quiet, QUIET!

Let the next meeting of the Society of the Order of the Circle of Monstrously Giant Crawling Bugs come to order.  My friends; it is time.  For too long, the humans have smushed our tiny brethren with tissues and old Anthropologie catalogs.  Well now I, say it is time for us to bring their worst fears to life.  The next time one of my spider brothers are smushed, that human better make sure they do not close their eyes.  For if they kill one of them shortly before taking a shower, or going to bed, or ANY other activity in which one closes their eyes, you can be certain I will slowly be crawling up behind them- for revenge!  If they thought the version of me that was 1/20 my size was scary, wait until they see me!  Questions?  Excellent.  Then let us finally have our revenge!






-This is what I picture happening to me whenever I kill a bug (particularly spider) right before getting in or while I'm in the shower or before going to bed.  The second I close my eyes, a giant whatever it was is coming to get me.

Bat-Tholomew at the Metropolitan Museum of Art

Ay, it's me again- Bat-tholomew, the famous New York bat.  Well, besides the bats of all the Yankees, right?  GO YANKS.  But ay, lookit!  We ain't a bunchas dummies over here- look how cultured I am, spending time at the MET.  That's how us New Yorkers run.  Now you may notice I have a hot dog in my hand instead of some of our famous New York pizza- the best pizza in ALL of da country.  Hey, sometimes even us New Yorkers is running late and don't have time for no pizza- that's why we have our famous street dogs.  Because come on- what else you want me to do- wait in line at one a them fancy shmancy places where a soup costs 15 dollars?  What am I an animal?  Ha ha.  So I'm in the galleries lookin around at all the arts and fancy chiseled rocks they have here, when I'm thinkin'- "AY!"  Where da famous arts of all the bats?  Buncha wise-asses just painting people and chilseling statues of people with no arms and such.  Maybe I should take up some chiselin.  Ay!  Until next time, ....Start Spreadin' tha News.......

OBVIOUS HEADLINE OR TERRIBLE PUN

-I've always thought it amazing that it's someone's job to write gift cards, and to write headlines for newspapers/online articles.
"Hmm...blah blah blah, you're special, blah blah blah, happy anniversary, blah blah blah you're HOW old?!?!? blah blah blah happy birthday (put a picture of an old lady or man on it har har), blah blah blah, you're a great MISCELLANEOUS RELATIVE" I also like that there are cards that have an extra slot to "hold" the money you put inside of it.  The card within an envelope isn't good enough?  How thoughtful.  A $20 pocket that cuts down on the space to write something.

-Do you think people who say "Enjoy your dinner." or "Enjoy your movie." are commanding you to do so in hopes that you won't complain to them?  Ordering someone around is much different than well wishes.  "I hope you enjoy your dinner".

-I heard someone refer to their date the other night as "my pet".  Creepy on so many levels.

-Just because there's a little bit of cereal and a little bit of milk left- less than I would want for a full portion later when I'm actually hungry, doesn't mean I should finish them off.  Next time, I'll remember.   Or look in the box, shrug my shoulders, and continue to pour out the coccoa pebbles.

A Band Name for Every Day of the Week

The other day I was thinking about how seemingly random band names are.  Maybe they don't have meaning, but the sound cool- like if you were to say "WE ARE ____!"* it would sound good coming out of a sound system.
Or some hipster beard kid would enjoy saying "Yeah, I listen to ____, haven't you heard of them?"
OR- it would be fun to have ____ playing in your backyard for a wedding, party, or bat mitzvah.  Anyway, I spent a week thinking up of a new band name each day: enjoy! 


Monday: The Frozen Boomerangs
Tuesday: Toasted Chest Nuts
Wednesday: Reginald
Thursday: The Super Bulls
Friday: The Bungee Network
Saturday: The Nouns
Sunday: Far Jangtrakool and the Spaceship Shooters



Bonus Band Name: Flibberty Gibbet There's a Walrus in my Attic


*hmm..."we are ____!" might be a good band name too....so ironic

What do You Get When You Cross an Elephant and a Rhino?

Scientists have long sought the answer to this question, but they shall search no more!

Earlier this week, a new fantastical beast was discovered: I give you: the Rhinophant.

Photographed somewhere near the Serengeti, the Rhinophant is pretty much an elephant, but with a rhino horn on the end of its trunk.  Often, people had asked the question "What DO you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?"  At very odd times, like when asked "Do you know what time it is?"  or "Do you know any jokes?".

The discovery was made by a young girl named Tiffany Goodridge who was on safari with her family.  Incredibly excited by the discovery of a new species, Tiffany beamed when asked if she thought about naming the Rhinopant after herself.  "No", she said "I think Rhinophant is better because it looks like a rhino and an elephant."
Shortly after the discovery her parents were brutally gored by the previously thought to be mostly docile Rhinophant.  The service for the Goodridges will be this Sunday at St. Andrew's Church at 9am.  Tiffany will now be raised by her Aunt and older sister, Julianne who live in a suburb of Kettering.

You Don't Have a Leg to Stand On

Whoever started this expression was a real jerk.

LAVARSE LAS MANOS

Guys,

Wash your hands.  It's not that hard.  And don't think I'm not on to you- turning on the faucet and pretending to run your hands under it for 2 seconds then grabbing a towel and quickly walking out doesn't count as washing your hands.  I know you wouldn't be washing anything if you were by yourself.  And frankly, the whole production is kind of insulting.  I'm aware of the fact that in order to properly wash your hands you need soap, and I'm aware of the fact that you're aware.

Ladies,

I can't be sure what's going on in there, but equal opportunity- I'm holding you to the same standard.  No faking.

Dogs,

You're off the hook.  Far as I know, dog paw soap isn't commonplace in parks or on lawns.  Congrats on learning how to read and navigating the internet though.

Robots,

Your humanoid-like digits or claws need sanitizing.  I don't know what you're doing in one of our bathrooms, but soap up!  I don't care if the water's going to short circuit something.


Thank you.

Half-global Colding

It's been kind of cold lately.  Global warming, you have disappointed me for the last time.  I don't think the entire globe is warm, or my big gray sweatshirt would still be shoved unfolded into a drawer.  So let's get real here, and talk about a real problem: Space Monkeys.  Sure, maybe they're not "real"- ok, they're not actually real, but somewhere out there, there's some real moon monkeys, and they're probably making sure you're not thinking about them as we speak- in fact,

Baby Don't Hurt Me, Don't Hurt Me. No More.

Over the weekend I was thinking about love.  I know, how romantic of me.  It's why you, loyal reader, come here, and we both know it.  For advice on the big L.  Well here it is:  It's just like a little l only you make the bottom a little longer.  To the right.  No, but seriously folk:  how can I dole out some love advice when I don't even know what that is?  Furthermore, you don't know what it is either.  There are too many things to "love" in this world.  And we only have this one stupid word and varying degrees of "like" which is even worse to describe the way we feel about awesome things.  I love cookies, football, my Mom, my future wife and children, and saying one-liners to bugs before I ace them.  The problem is, I do not love all of these things equally or in the same way- and imagine the complications that could possibly arise if you misinterpret this or even worse, take any of them out of context.
Future wife- if you're reading this, I do not love you the same way I love cookies.  Although it's close, one of you has the edge.
You know, the Ancient Greeks were very forward thinking.*    As you may already know, they were smart enough to come up with different words for love: Agape, Eros, Storge, and a couple other ones that sound like types of wine.  Pretty smart I'd say. 
But they also drank a lot of lead, didn't have bubble gum, and thought the sun was brought into the sky every day by a guy flying around in a chariot pulled by fire horses.  So I thought I'd do everyone a favor and bring some specificity to loving things by coming up with some new words we can use when we love stuff.
Here's a starting point:


Ruv  - A word to use when you love your pet.  I figure we might as well use the commonly accepted "cartoon dog" way of speaking here.  As in: "I ruv you Poocher McBarksy"

P'ove - When food is really good, and you love it.  Everyone loves pizza, and I always appreciated Pizza Hut's name for the failed lunch treat the "P'zzone".  Might as well combine "pizza" and "love" to form a word that means a love of food.  As in: "I p'ove this toast!"

Not enough of us p'oved the P'zone.

Dee-Eh -  The way a parent loves their child.  Mostly because we're genetically inclined and narcissistic enough to unconditionally love something that possesses half of our DNA.  Hence half of "DNA".  As in:  "Judy, I'm only overlooking the fact that you failed all of your classes, lit the car on fire, called Grandma "a baboon" and still refuse to get your mother a birthday card because I dee-eh you."

Entertain-O -  Conversely, as the provider of television and video games/internet, children love their parents.  As in: "Gimmie Sponge-Bob and in exchange you will have my entertain-O"

Boobz - For all the bros out there, so they can express just how hot they think their babes are without classing it up with a word like "love".  Figured we may as well just keep it pronounced the same way as boobs but just spell it with a "z".  Don't want to make it any harder than it is for them.  As in:  "Whoa, I totally boobz you".

DeGenerous - For girls to express their platonic love.  I know we already have the word platonic, but let's face it- that word sucks.  It sounds like a combination of "Pluto and tonic", or "Plate Tectonics".  I have found that all women, young and old, large and small love Ellen.  Us guys already have "bro" and "homey" and "dawg" and "comrade" etc. so I figure coming up with another one would be redundant.   As in:  "I DeGenerous to go shopping with you, you're my DeGenerous!"

Ka-Pow - I would ka-pow to be Batman.  As in: "I would ka-pow to be Batman"

Ultra-Fire-Meteo - the ultimate level of Love.  Like soul-mate love.  So when you Ultra-Fire-Meteo someone, that's like An Ultra-Firework Meteor of Love.  As in: "I know the ladies will want hear how much they are Ultra-Fire-Meteoed."



*It must suck to be a present Greek and have that shadow cast over you.  They have a ton of philosophizing and society creating to do to catch up.  It must create quite a complex.

This was Easier Than Ordering Dinner Tonight

If I were manufacturing a teen pop sensation, I'd name her Zazzle.  She'd sing a song about school boys, and there'd be some vague, but catchy chorus....probably in some sort of non-ethnic slang that nobody uses.  Something like "Poppin' up my dates".  She'd need some sort of gimmick that we consider kind of unattractive, like wearing suspenders, or- a bowler hat.
Zazzle would be a great kid.  That's how she would rebel.  Rebelling against rebellion.
The rest of it would follow very easily- TV shows, concerts, movies, dolls...Zazzle would make me millions.
Oh, and her first album would be called "Zazzlesize" and there'd be a picture of her in 80s workout clothes with a bowler hat.

Send Out the Clowns

Does anyone actually like Clowns?
Let's run through the "comedy checklist"

White Greasepaint: Not funny
Giant neon colored hair: Not funny
Polka dot/striped jackets, ties, and pants: Combined: Not funny
Giant red nose: Funny (albeit briefly)
Giant shoes: Funny (albeit briefly)
Hula hoop pants: Not funny
"Extra mouth" makeup: Not funny
Triangles/Diamonds around eyes: Not funny

...hilarious right?  And this was one of the only semi-nice pictures of a clown I could find.  What's the difference between a happy clown and an evil one?

Apparently nothing.  Maybe sharper teeth.


So were clowns ever funny?  They must have been, there's a ton of them still to this day- or is someone pulling the greatest practical joke in the book by somehow getting us all to accept clowns as part of our society?  Now that would be funny.  I know our humor has evolved greatly over time, what with today's boner jokes and grown men drinking too much dominating the comedy scene, but was there a time when nobody could use words to be funny?  At least if you're going to be funny without talking, do some stuff like have a fat guy break a chair....looking at many different colors and having two gigantic body parts (nose/feet) had to have gotten old even back when they didn't have the internet to entertain us!  And there's a college for this?  What is there to learn?  Instead of Clown College let's just put out a Clown pamphlet. 
Now, I don't have anything against the people who dress up as clowns to entertain, their hearts have to be in the right place, I just think it's time we realize that we all think they're more scary than funny, and that sort of defeats the purpose.  So can we all finally agree to cut the charade and do better things with our time like training bears how to ride tricycles?  They can wear the big nose and giant shoes.

Is the Term "Flower Power" Supposed to be Ironic, or Do People Just Use it Because it Rhymes?

TWO FLOWERS, DEMETRI AND ARTEMIS ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION NEXT TO EACH OTHER IN A PATCH OF DIRT NEAR A SIDEWALK


ARTEMIS: Hey Demetri.
DEMETRI: Yeah Artemis?
ARTEMIS: Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the park?
DEMETRI: No.
ARTEMIS: One was assaulted.
DEMETRI: ...ohhh, like it was "a salted".  That's pretty good, heh heh.
ARTEMIS: ....what do you mean?  "pretty good" how?
DEMETRI: It's a pretty funny joke is all.
ARTEMIS: Joke?  The peanut was mugged, Demetri.  Brutally beaten and robbed.  He lost 150 dollars, needed 16 stitches, and suffered a collapsed lung.
DEMETRI: Oh.   (long pause)  Right.  (Long pause)  Because I thought....I thought it was just a joke.  The way you worded it....
ARTEMIS: Yeah, I could see how you'd think that.  No joke though.
DEMETRI: ....and the fact that there were peanuts who could walk, I thought it was just a bit of fantasy.
ARTEMIS: We're two talking flowers.
DEMETRI: Yeah, but we can't walk though.  I didn't even imagine if they were capable of walking that they'd have lungs.  I guess that makes sense though.  So where did they take him?  Is there a peanut-specific hospital?  Or did he just go to a human one?
ARTEMIS: No, he went to Bellevue. 
DEMETRI: Yeah.  (thinks for a second)  That's really ironic.  Artemis, why didn't I get to pick my name?
ARTEMIS: That's just how it is.  And don't think I didn't get the irony in you using the word "pick".
DEMETRI: I'm not really sure what you're talking about- but of all the things we don't have control over in this world; what we look like, where we live, what job we get, who our family is-
ARTEMIS: You do get to choose those things.  Or at least parts of all of them.
DEMETRI: Maybe you're right, but I'd like to have my own name- or at least have one that fits who I am.  My parents just thought a few random sounds strung together sounded good, so that's what I have to respond to the rest of my life?  I think when we become adults we should be named based on who we are.
ARTEMIS: When do you become an adult?
DEMETRI: When you're not a kid anymore.
ARTEMIS: Well then a lot of people would be named "Video Gamer" and "Defeated by the Real World, so Back to School we go!"
DEMETRI: Hey, law school was a viable option for me, I wanted to make a difference.

SUDDENLY, A SIX YEAR OLD WALKS UP WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS AND SETS DEMETRI ON FIRE


ARTEMIS: (genuinely sad)  I'm sorry that happened to you Dem- .....Ash Face.