Let's Stop Calling it a "Rest"room. Unless we Start Building Cots in There.

I recently attended a hockey game in Anaheim, where I had the good fortune of having to go to the bathroom.  In an arena, you're always fearing the worst in a men's room, and ladies, let me tell you, I'm talking worst.  Fellas, you know where I'm going with this, and since there are grandmothers, little children, and princesses that read this blog, I'm going to spare the details of the horrors that lurk beyond those doorless concrete entrences with the little neckless handless feetless faceless hairless white jumpsuit wearing  floating head men on them

yes, that's the one.  Poor guy.  If that guy doesn't say "manly" to you, I don't know what does.  Personally, I would have put a picture of a bearded man eating a steak in one hand and swinging a giant axe at a group of criminals in the other, all while reading the dictionary; that's right: learning is manly.  But I guess he'll have to do. 

I've always wondered though, and I've yet to ask any women I know how they feel about the women's room sign.  Are they offended by the dress?  I know a lot of girls who prefer jeans over every other method of lower half coverings.

I've also always wondered if kilt wearing Scots are constantly confused about which bathroom to use.  Definitely a recipe for disaster.

But anyway, back to the men's room at the hockey game.  Not as bad as you would think.  Rather than explaining why, let me show you one of the greatest fears any man has when entering a bathroom.  No, it's not the filth, that is to be expected, no, not the smell, again a given in public restrooms, it's this:

LOW EXTREMELY CLOSE URINALS WITH NO DIVIDERS IN A WELL LIT AREA!  Luckily, that is not what I got at the game, the bathroom was very nice there.

Ladies, should you ever encounter a black or any other color related magical "Freaky-Friday"-esque situation where you find yourself in the body of a man and need to use a public bathroom, I hope you will have imparted to you the knowledge that all men instinctually have, but if you do not get that knowledge, allow me to illuminate the etiquette required:

RULES WHEN USING A URINAL IN A MEN'S ROOM

RULE #1:  IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, TAKE A URINAL WITH NOBODY ON EITHER SIDE

This is the most important rule.  It doesn't matter if there's an open one right next to the door, if there's a guy using the one next to it, you walk as far as you have to to find a double empty.  The level of filth on the open urinal also is irrelevant when taking this rule into consideration, it doesn't matter how disgusting it is, you take the one with nobody next to it.  Just hold your breath and don't look down.  Which leads to rule #2:

RULE #2: YOU MAY ONLY LOOK STRAIGHT DOWN OR STRAIGHT UP

There's no middle ground here.  You need to be testing the flexibility of your neck.  If you're not looking at the ceiling or your neck is not physically touching your chest, something is wrong.  The only possible exception is having a television or newspaper directly at eye level, and even then, you better make sure nothing shakes your concentration.  A mild explosion should not change the amount of focus given to the direction of your line of sight.  What are the reasons for these rules?  It's not anything homophobic, it's mostly about privacy, ...and it's the same reason we don't have a garbage channel on tv, or we ask other people not to chew with their mouths open.

RULE #3 IF WAITING IN LINE, GIVE THE PERSON AS MUCH SPACE AS POSSIBLE

Pretend they're using an ATM.  Only multiply that by 10.  Wait outside if possible.  In your car.

RULE #4 NO CHIT-CHAT
Look, there's a lot of time in the day.  You do not need to continue the conversation, and you certainly, absolutely, under no circumstances do NOT* start a conversation.  If you are that desperate for talk about how the Chargers looked in the first half, I'm sorry, truly, I am.  But you don't walk up to another guy mid use and do anything that requires thought.  You may think we just stand there, but it's harder than it looks.

RULE #6 DON'T USE THE CHILD SIZE ONE
The splashback potential is exponentially greater.  Not a pretty sight for anyone involved.

RULE #7 FINISH YOUR ZIPPING AND ANY OTHER ADJUSTING BEFORE YOU TURN AROUND
It doesn't matter how big of a hurry you're in.  Get it under control buddy.

RULE #8 AIM FOR GUM, THE PICTURE OF A FLY, THE CAKE, OR ANY OTHER OBJECT
It's just what you do. Again though, beware of splashback potential.


So there you have it.  8 rules that I believe are fairly simple to follow.  There are probably a few others I'm leaving out, but again, I remind you, there's a princess of some distant country reading this blog.

As far as the bathroom makers themselves, we're not asking much, but here are some things I think should be essential:

-Dividers in-between the urinals.  Come on.  Not too much to ask, and easily the best way to avoid any more unpleasantness in an already terrifying world.  And if you're not going to put them up, at least give us a couple feet of space in-between.  Or a trough.  I've always liked the trough.

-No more manual flushing.  Please, don't make us touch anything.  Do you know where that stuff has been??

-If you're going to do the timed sinks, make them so they last for more than one second.  I'm not the Flash.

-If you're going to have automatic hand-dryers they better be strong enough so I can see my skin move.  The greater the force of air being blown, the better.

-What's with the super tall, no depth urinals?  Please don't.





*That's right, I used the bold-underline-italicize-all caps.  I went there.