Maybe we should rename the days of the week. They don't really make any sense as it is. With "day" at the end of them, they should be days of something. Like Labor Day or New Year's Day. But there's no such thing as a Wednes or a Tues, and I've certainly never figured out why it's a day of Mon.
So I propose the following changes, although I am highly receptive to input, this can be a collaborative effort.
Monday will now be Suckday. For obvious reasons.
Tuesday will now be known as Worstday, because while Wednesday typically gets a bad rap, I find Tuesday as the hardest day to get through, it's the furthest from the weekend without being a Monday, and nothing ever happens on Tuesdays. Except Tacos. So Tacoday could also be a possibility here.
Wednesday will now be known as Middleday. I refuse to call anything "Hump" except those good for nothing whales.
Thursday will now be known as Comedyday. When I was growing up the Simpsons were on Thursdays, so was Seinfeld, and more recently the Office and 30 Rock. What? YOU watched too much TV!
Friday will now be known as Outday. It's the best day to go out. Also I guess if you wanted to admit you were gay this would be the new day to do it.
Saturday will now be known as Yourday, although Myday is also a possibility here. That's the day you do your own stuff.
Sunday will now be known as Dreadday, since it's common to live the day with a feeling of dread from the impending work week ahead or Choreday or Footballday, I can't quite decide. Maybe we can call it Dreadoreballday. Because that makes more sense than Sunday.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The Dead Zone
Nothing is ever going on around this time of year. December 28th-30th are the ashen land on the otherwise fruitful soil that is our year. Nobody can decide whether or not they're working until the last minute when they decide they're not- or they come in and give a half-hearted "well....I'm here...." effort at work and then end up leaving a couple hours after lunch, the streets are practically abandoned, there's no holidays to celebrate, all the relatives have left, TV and radio are all in reruns, the new holiday movies have already come out, the sales were the days immediately after Christmas.....ladies and gentlemen and genetically altered intelligent dogs, I give you.....The Dead Zone.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Valley Village Represent
I would like to propose a rule change. People who say they are from "L.A." can only say that if they actually live in the city of Los Angeles. Let's just cut out a step so I'm not asking, "Oh, which part?" Instead you would say "Where are you from?" "Santa Monica". Same goes for you, people in Escondido that say they're from San Diego or people from Palo Alto who say they're from "The Bay Area". I know, you're assuming people don't know exactly where that is, so you'd rather give a broad answer, but how do you think they're going to know where you live if you keep substituting your fine city for a larger area?
I like Cool Ranch Doritos. I don't know what they're doing to make that ranch so darn cool, but I would like to visit there and eat the Doritos right out of the ground.
I like Cool Ranch Doritos. I don't know what they're doing to make that ranch so darn cool, but I would like to visit there and eat the Doritos right out of the ground.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
We Can Make the Song Way Catchier Too
"Happy birthday!"
A nice thing to wish someone. It makes sense to wish a person a happy birthday. However, I do sort of think we're going about this the wrong way. At least for myself. As far as I can tell, the best reason for wishing someone a happy birthday is, as the old Jerry Seinfeld bit goes "they've made another trip around the Sun, all you did was not die for twelve months!" I agree. So I would like to have anyone who should encounter me on my birthday say "Way to not die." While largely out of our control, I think that's quite an accomplishment. Rather than just wishing happiness upon me for one day, which really seems quite arbitrary, I'd rather be congratulated on all my hard work. I looked both ways when I crossed the street, did NOT go hunting with my festive Christmas Rudolph antlers on, and refrained from drinking a bleach and comet cocktail. I've also managed to enjoy many scenic views without a single slip, stumble, or plummet. Not bad if you ask me. Should you also prefer a "Way to not die!" over a "Happy birthday!", please let me know and I shall gladly accommodate you. On a related note, I am not sure if feeding one a buttery, sugar filled cake is a good way to send them on another year's journey away from death.
A nice thing to wish someone. It makes sense to wish a person a happy birthday. However, I do sort of think we're going about this the wrong way. At least for myself. As far as I can tell, the best reason for wishing someone a happy birthday is, as the old Jerry Seinfeld bit goes "they've made another trip around the Sun, all you did was not die for twelve months!" I agree. So I would like to have anyone who should encounter me on my birthday say "Way to not die." While largely out of our control, I think that's quite an accomplishment. Rather than just wishing happiness upon me for one day, which really seems quite arbitrary, I'd rather be congratulated on all my hard work. I looked both ways when I crossed the street, did NOT go hunting with my festive Christmas Rudolph antlers on, and refrained from drinking a bleach and comet cocktail. I've also managed to enjoy many scenic views without a single slip, stumble, or plummet. Not bad if you ask me. Should you also prefer a "Way to not die!" over a "Happy birthday!", please let me know and I shall gladly accommodate you. On a related note, I am not sure if feeding one a buttery, sugar filled cake is a good way to send them on another year's journey away from death.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
It Was the Night Before Christmas (look how modern it is now)
Twas' the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, except for my Dad, and my brother, and I was of course, I'm writing this- I bet there were some bugs moving around, and for sure there were some microscopic mites, I don't know if you'd count single-cell organisms, amoebas and what not, but those were stirring too.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
and by "hung by the chimney" I mean "still in a box in the attic", and by "with care" I mean "they were thrown in"
The children my mom were was nestled all snug in their her beds
While visions of sugar-plums danced intheir her heads. ...Yeah, that actually sounds about right.
And ma in her kerchief and I in my cap
had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Is this guy calling his wife "ma"? And "going to sleep" a "nap"? How old is this thing? I'm definitely never calling my wife "mother", creepy! She will probably wear a kerchief to bed though.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Because Santa was landing on the lawn and not the roof for some reason.
Now what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a normal sized sleigh and eight normal sized reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it wasn't Santa, because Santa is big and fat.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
And I have no idea what a courser is.
"Now DASHER! Now DANCER! Now PRANCER and VIXEN! On COMET on CUPID! On DONNER and BLITZEN!"
They all must get really tired of hearing that. It's like "we get it Santa, OK? Look, we're flying already. You don't need to shout our names at every house we land at."
"To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
...just go to the roof like we should have in the first place, thanks guys."
And then in a twinkling (which is a measurement of time apparently) I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each normal sized hoof.
As I drew in my head and was turning around
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
I wonder if the other Saints get pissed that some of them did stuff like die in burning flames or feed the hungry and poor while other ones just played the flute and had snakes follow him or gave out toys and they're even more famous.
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot...but not all in fur, just around his sleeves and on his hat. And I'm not even really sure that's fur...polar bear fur?
And his clothes were all covered with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had hung on his back,
And he looked just like a peddler, opening his sack.
OK, don't know why we needed to know that last detail, but moving on....
His eyes how they twinkled (again with the twinkling?) his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses...well, like the color of roses, that would be weird
His nose, like a cherry! See above.
His droll normal sized mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.
The beard on his elbow was sort of a powder blue though, which really creeped me out.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath
"Santa" I said. "That stuff will kill you man." He just shrugged and kept going.
He had a broad face and a round little belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
So it wasn't really that little. And what the heck is he laughing at? How filthy he is and the disgusting pipe-smoke smell he's leaving in my parents' living room?
He was cubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself! Because I was really confused that he was an elf. I always thought he was a human, so it was one of those things where you're so stunned you can't help but laugh- it wasn't funny or anything, but that was just the reaction I had. I knew he probably got that a lot though, so I tried to bite my lip. No dice though.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon let me know there was nothing to dread.
Also, he's Santa.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Which made it a little awkward. So I was like "Hey Santa, what'd you bring me?" and he held out a wooden train. So I said "Umm...you know I'm in my late 20s, right? How about that PS3 I asked for?" And Santa said "Dude, you're kind of a jerk."
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
And laying my finger inside of my nose, I went upstairs.
He sprang to his sleigh, gave his team a whistle,
And away they all flew like an outdated reference that rhymes with whistle.
And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
...which I heard him do 10 more times as he finished the rest of the street...except for the Jewish kids.
Merry Christmas everybody!!!
not a creature was stirring, except for my Dad, and my brother, and I was of course, I'm writing this- I bet there were some bugs moving around, and for sure there were some microscopic mites, I don't know if you'd count single-cell organisms, amoebas and what not, but those were stirring too.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
and by "hung by the chimney" I mean "still in a box in the attic", and by "with care" I mean "they were thrown in"
While visions of sugar-plums danced in
And ma in her kerchief and I in my cap
had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Is this guy calling his wife "ma"? And "going to sleep" a "nap"? How old is this thing? I'm definitely never calling my wife "mother", creepy! She will probably wear a kerchief to bed though.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Because Santa was landing on the lawn and not the roof for some reason.
Now what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a normal sized sleigh and eight normal sized reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it wasn't Santa, because Santa is big and fat.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
And I have no idea what a courser is.
"Now DASHER! Now DANCER! Now PRANCER and VIXEN! On COMET on CUPID! On DONNER and BLITZEN!"
They all must get really tired of hearing that. It's like "we get it Santa, OK? Look, we're flying already. You don't need to shout our names at every house we land at."
"To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
...just go to the roof like we should have in the first place, thanks guys."
And then in a twinkling (which is a measurement of time apparently) I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each normal sized hoof.
As I drew in my head and was turning around
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
I wonder if the other Saints get pissed that some of them did stuff like die in burning flames or feed the hungry and poor while other ones just played the flute and had snakes follow him or gave out toys and they're even more famous.
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot...but not all in fur, just around his sleeves and on his hat. And I'm not even really sure that's fur...polar bear fur?
And his clothes were all covered with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had hung on his back,
And he looked just like a peddler, opening his sack.
OK, don't know why we needed to know that last detail, but moving on....
His eyes how they twinkled (again with the twinkling?) his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses...well, like the color of roses, that would be weird
His nose, like a cherry! See above.
His droll normal sized mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.
The beard on his elbow was sort of a powder blue though, which really creeped me out.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath
"Santa" I said. "That stuff will kill you man." He just shrugged and kept going.
He had a broad face and a round little belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
So it wasn't really that little. And what the heck is he laughing at? How filthy he is and the disgusting pipe-smoke smell he's leaving in my parents' living room?
He was cubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself! Because I was really confused that he was an elf. I always thought he was a human, so it was one of those things where you're so stunned you can't help but laugh- it wasn't funny or anything, but that was just the reaction I had. I knew he probably got that a lot though, so I tried to bite my lip. No dice though.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon let me know there was nothing to dread.
Also, he's Santa.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Which made it a little awkward. So I was like "Hey Santa, what'd you bring me?" and he held out a wooden train. So I said "Umm...you know I'm in my late 20s, right? How about that PS3 I asked for?" And Santa said "Dude, you're kind of a jerk."
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
And laying my finger inside of my nose, I went upstairs.
He sprang to his sleigh, gave his team a whistle,
And away they all flew like an outdated reference that rhymes with whistle.
And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
...which I heard him do 10 more times as he finished the rest of the street...except for the Jewish kids.
Merry Christmas everybody!!!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
TOP TEN POSSIBLE NEW NAMES FOR CHRISTMAS
10. Ham Day
9. Insincere Thank-You-oween
8. Awkward Small Talk with Old Relatives Day
7. Santaland
6. Christmas Eve II: The Revenge
5. MasChrist (spanish speaking countries only)
4. Christmas....brought to you by Bud Light! The sure sign of a good time!
3. Rickey Henderson's Birthday!
2. Suck on a Candy Cane Until it Gets Really Sharp and Then Accidentally Stab Yourself in the Tongue Day
1. Flag Day!
9. Insincere Thank-You-oween
8. Awkward Small Talk with Old Relatives Day
7. Santaland
6. Christmas Eve II: The Revenge
5. MasChrist (spanish speaking countries only)
4. Christmas....brought to you by Bud Light! The sure sign of a good time!
3. Rickey Henderson's Birthday!
2. Suck on a Candy Cane Until it Gets Really Sharp and Then Accidentally Stab Yourself in the Tongue Day
1. Flag Day!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Rain Dear
Children!!
I know most of you aren't in school right now, what with Christmas break and all, but I wanted to give you an early Christmas present- a report you can give your teacher the day you go back! I'm sure it will be great for extra credit.
I've written an entire report on all the names of Santa's reindeer!
Just hit "print" on the top of this page, and you'll be guaranteed an A for the rest of your life.
The following is all fact:
SANTA'S REINDEER: A Biopic.
Dasher
Santa's first reindeer. He's the leader of the group, and also the fastest of all reindeer. Hence the name "Dasher". Dasher is stoic and is usually the last of the group to get a joke.
Dancer
Dancer came out of his momma doing disco moves, Santa couldn't help but laugh at the little guy, and although he fought his parents his entire life, he currently is one of Santa's flying reindeer, although he still dances on the side at the community theatre.
Prancer
Prancer is kind of like a worse version of Dancer.
Vixen
The only female of Santa's group, she's very feminine, but also can hang with the boys. A four-time "Miss North Pole" runner up, Vixen has taken the breath away from animals world wide with her smoking hot looks, but she's also very well-read, and is currently reading David Sedaris' newest.
Comet
A challenger for the title of "fastest reindeer", Comet can blister the night sky on his own, but his form needs some work. He has all the talent in the world, but his skills are still very raw. Comet's favorite food is spaghetti.
Cupid
It's a little known fact that for three weeks in-between January and February in 1936, Santa was going to have to take over Valentine's day for medical reasons. Everything turned out ok in the end, but Cupid was named because that year is when Santa adopted him! Cupid plays a mean trombone.
Donner
Donner is always mad because his name is the stupidest. Nobody really likes him, not even me.
Blitzen
Blitzen is the big football fan of the group, he never misses a game. He's had season tickets to the Atlanta Falcons for 27 years, and his dream is to see them play a playoff game at Lambeau field in the snow.
Rudolph is made up, but we all like his claymation show.
I know most of you aren't in school right now, what with Christmas break and all, but I wanted to give you an early Christmas present- a report you can give your teacher the day you go back! I'm sure it will be great for extra credit.
I've written an entire report on all the names of Santa's reindeer!
Just hit "print" on the top of this page, and you'll be guaranteed an A for the rest of your life.
The following is all fact:
SANTA'S REINDEER: A Biopic.
Dasher
Santa's first reindeer. He's the leader of the group, and also the fastest of all reindeer. Hence the name "Dasher". Dasher is stoic and is usually the last of the group to get a joke.
Dancer
Dancer came out of his momma doing disco moves, Santa couldn't help but laugh at the little guy, and although he fought his parents his entire life, he currently is one of Santa's flying reindeer, although he still dances on the side at the community theatre.
Prancer
Prancer is kind of like a worse version of Dancer.
Vixen
The only female of Santa's group, she's very feminine, but also can hang with the boys. A four-time "Miss North Pole" runner up, Vixen has taken the breath away from animals world wide with her smoking hot looks, but she's also very well-read, and is currently reading David Sedaris' newest.
Comet
A challenger for the title of "fastest reindeer", Comet can blister the night sky on his own, but his form needs some work. He has all the talent in the world, but his skills are still very raw. Comet's favorite food is spaghetti.
Cupid
It's a little known fact that for three weeks in-between January and February in 1936, Santa was going to have to take over Valentine's day for medical reasons. Everything turned out ok in the end, but Cupid was named because that year is when Santa adopted him! Cupid plays a mean trombone.
Donner
Donner is always mad because his name is the stupidest. Nobody really likes him, not even me.
Blitzen
Blitzen is the big football fan of the group, he never misses a game. He's had season tickets to the Atlanta Falcons for 27 years, and his dream is to see them play a playoff game at Lambeau field in the snow.
Rudolph is made up, but we all like his claymation show.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Thrice Upon O'Clock
Once upon a time ......
.......what? Once upon a time? What does that even mean? One time? Just say that, what is this "upon" how can you even be "upon a time"? I also am not a fan of the phrase "o'clock" "Seven of clock?"
I was going to write a fake fairy tale, but Bullwinkle already did that way better than I ever could, and then I got stuck on the phrase "Once upon a time", I'm also really thirsty. Let's hear it for refreshing water, and for Subway sandwiches, eat fresh!
.......what? Once upon a time? What does that even mean? One time? Just say that, what is this "upon" how can you even be "upon a time"? I also am not a fan of the phrase "o'clock" "Seven of clock?"
I was going to write a fake fairy tale, but Bullwinkle already did that way better than I ever could, and then I got stuck on the phrase "Once upon a time", I'm also really thirsty. Let's hear it for refreshing water, and for Subway sandwiches, eat fresh!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
You're Next Superman..."Fortress of Solitude"? Not Anymore!
Batman has really nice teeth. You wouldn't think so, with the fighting and all, but he does. So does the Joker. They sure fight a lot. I'm surprised both of them aren't missing teeth. Maybe they had implants put in. If they did, that wouldn't be a very interesting episode, movie, or comic. Which is why I think they should do a radio broadcast. They can also talk about what kind of food they eat, and where they get their clothes made. I also would like to have the fact that no satellites have discovered where Batman flies his plane, boat, and car out of explained. They probably attract a lot of attention. A quick Google maps search of "batcave" proved to give no results, but it did direct me to a Toys backwards R Us in Joplin Missouri.
Also, apparently after further review, there IS a batcave. It's in Henderson, North Carolina.
Of course! Right next to the Old Cider Mill and Applesolutely gift shop! Gotham. Psssh. Nice try Wayne, you sly dog. Riddler, you can thank me later.
Seriously though, "Applesolutely"? Is that supposed to be like absolutely? Not close enough.
Also, apparently after further review, there IS a batcave. It's in Henderson, North Carolina.
Of course! Right next to the Old Cider Mill and Applesolutely gift shop! Gotham. Psssh. Nice try Wayne, you sly dog. Riddler, you can thank me later.
Seriously though, "Applesolutely"? Is that supposed to be like absolutely? Not close enough.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Late Tonight with Wonderblog! The Highly Rated Blog of Choice
Hi there, hello! How's everybody doing tonight?
Let's see what's going on in the news:
TSA has decided to pat down customers and violate them!
It is perverted.
Former President George W. Bush is in the news!
He is considered to be stupid.
Former President Bill Clinton did something!
He is unfaithful to his wife.
Something happened with marijuana!
And it made everyone lazy and/or hungry.
_____ form the reality TV show ____ did _____!
They are pathetic, untalented, and we are better than them.
Those republicans are at it again!
They can be very closed minded.
Those democrats are at it again!
They did not get something mundane done that an every day person could.
Those liberals are at it again!
Example of taking something to an extreme.
A fast food company came out with a new product!
Fatty foods make people fat and cause heart attacks.
Larry King!
Is old.
Oprah!
Is powerful.
Local losing sports team made news!
They lose all the time, here is an extreme scenario.
We've got a great show tonight, Dave Coulier is here, with musical guest, Squirrel Nut Zippers!
Stick around, we'll be right back.
Let's see what's going on in the news:
TSA has decided to pat down customers and violate them!
It is perverted.
Former President George W. Bush is in the news!
He is considered to be stupid.
Former President Bill Clinton did something!
He is unfaithful to his wife.
Something happened with marijuana!
And it made everyone lazy and/or hungry.
_____ form the reality TV show ____ did _____!
They are pathetic, untalented, and we are better than them.
Those republicans are at it again!
They can be very closed minded.
Those democrats are at it again!
They did not get something mundane done that an every day person could.
Those liberals are at it again!
Example of taking something to an extreme.
A fast food company came out with a new product!
Fatty foods make people fat and cause heart attacks.
Larry King!
Is old.
Oprah!
Is powerful.
Local losing sports team made news!
They lose all the time, here is an extreme scenario.
We've got a great show tonight, Dave Coulier is here, with musical guest, Squirrel Nut Zippers!
Stick around, we'll be right back.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Q
Hey! Q! I gotta beef.
Demanding the presence of a "U", how self-important is that? Let U be its own letter! Ya big fatty.
And look, the other letters that get their own words, they're nice and simple. "a" (A) or "oh" (O) or even "see". (C) But you. You and your "Queue". What is that? It'd probably be just fine as "Que" (not to be confused with spanish) but you have to double your pleasure, don't you? AND have another word that's you, "cue". That also means two things! Greedy gus. All you are is an O and a G's misfigured child. Try getting your own identity, backwards lower case P jerk.
You know what I have to say to that? Your words you get when we're teaching kids the alphabet suck. Quilt? Queen? Quiet? BO-RING! I bet you wish you had Alligator or Xylophone or Mechagodzilla. But you don't. Quiz. I'm glad you're associated with mostly crappy things. Serves you right, ya dope.
I think it's all born out of insecurity. I know you'd never admit it, but I can tell you realize what's up. We could easily replace you with K's and W's together or even the occasional C or K on their own. So you just have to make yourself feel important. I for one am not buying it.
Demanding the presence of a "U", how self-important is that? Let U be its own letter! Ya big fatty.
And look, the other letters that get their own words, they're nice and simple. "a" (A) or "oh" (O) or even "see". (C) But you. You and your "Queue". What is that? It'd probably be just fine as "Que" (not to be confused with spanish) but you have to double your pleasure, don't you? AND have another word that's you, "cue". That also means two things! Greedy gus. All you are is an O and a G's misfigured child. Try getting your own identity, backwards lower case P jerk.
You know what I have to say to that? Your words you get when we're teaching kids the alphabet suck. Quilt? Queen? Quiet? BO-RING! I bet you wish you had Alligator or Xylophone or Mechagodzilla. But you don't. Quiz. I'm glad you're associated with mostly crappy things. Serves you right, ya dope.
I think it's all born out of insecurity. I know you'd never admit it, but I can tell you realize what's up. We could easily replace you with K's and W's together or even the occasional C or K on their own. So you just have to make yourself feel important. I for one am not buying it.
 |
| Photographic evidence that only jerks like the letter Q. |
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Showered With Confusion
Normally, I use this blog as a means to attempt amusing my multiple fans out there*, but tonight, I have a serious matter to attend to. Again, let me clarify. Serious. That's right, underline serious.
I was making my skin and hair smell nice today in a nice leisurely shower, one you take after a long day and a Subway sandwich. The kind where you ponder life's twists and turns as the warmth of the cleanliness cocoon relaxes every muscle in your body, where you think about what more you can do right and where along the way you went wrong as each stream from the showerhead gently massages your body and soul. I realized after a good five to ten minutes of ruminating on life and the human existence that it was probably time to get this show on the road, lest my skin become dried out and uncomfortable to live in. So on to the first step of cleaning- the shampoo. But wait! Had I already used the shampoo? My hair sort of feels clean...it smells kinda soapy, but that could just be from the soap that resides in the shower.
Usually, I leave nothing to chance and just wash my hair again anyway, this is a 50/50 shot of choosing.........wisely.** When you're wrong and you've already washed your hair but somehow forgotten, it's terrible. It's like rubbing butter on a bowl of spaghetti with your hands. (ladies...I did not just compare my hair to spaghetti) What I really want to know is, does this happen to anyone else out there? Am I completely alone in this and have a minor mental deficiency? Please, let me know. Seriously, I'm curious. Or showing signs of dementia.
I was making my skin and hair smell nice today in a nice leisurely shower, one you take after a long day and a Subway sandwich. The kind where you ponder life's twists and turns as the warmth of the cleanliness cocoon relaxes every muscle in your body, where you think about what more you can do right and where along the way you went wrong as each stream from the showerhead gently massages your body and soul. I realized after a good five to ten minutes of ruminating on life and the human existence that it was probably time to get this show on the road, lest my skin become dried out and uncomfortable to live in. So on to the first step of cleaning- the shampoo. But wait! Had I already used the shampoo? My hair sort of feels clean...it smells kinda soapy, but that could just be from the soap that resides in the shower.
Usually, I leave nothing to chance and just wash my hair again anyway, this is a 50/50 shot of choosing.........wisely.** When you're wrong and you've already washed your hair but somehow forgotten, it's terrible. It's like rubbing butter on a bowl of spaghetti with your hands. (ladies...I did not just compare my hair to spaghetti) What I really want to know is, does this happen to anyone else out there? Am I completely alone in this and have a minor mental deficiency? Please, let me know. Seriously, I'm curious. Or showing signs of dementia.
*The numbers being multiplied are 1, and 2
**
Monday, December 13, 2010
Pyotr = Peter?
Last night I saw the movie "Black Swan", a movie that probably had Tchaikovsky spinning in his grave....because he was doing fist pumps so hard he liked it so much. I told my Mom I liked it a lot, and she said she'd rather watch a movie about the ballet that was nice, that didn't have eating disorders and drugs and pain, she'd rather just watch the nice dancing. I told her that's what the actual ballet is for.
Speaking of Tchaikovsky, I really do wonder how greats like him would feel about how their work is being used in the 21st century. Would he enjoy it? Would he just shake his head? How would Leonard Da Vinci feel about the Dan Brown novels? Well, instead of just taking up this space with conjecture, I thought we'd ask old Tchaikovsky himself! Straight from the horse's (humans) mouth.
The following is a transcript.
ME: Mr. Tchaikovsky, thank you so much for being here to answer my questions.
TCHAIKOVSKY: Oh, please, call me Peter.
ME: No problem Peter. Wow, your English is amazing.
TCHAIKOVSKY: Yes, well, it's all thanks to the power of a fake blog post.
ME: Indeed. So- have you gotten a chance to see Black Swan yet?
TCHAIKOVSKY: No, not yet.
ME: Oh. Well, that sort of defeats the purpose of you coming here, don't you think?
TCHAIKOVSKY: I guess so, but you could just write this again at a later date when I have seen it, or we could lie and say that I've see it. I mean, you've seen the movie, right?
ME: Yeah...but,
TCHAIKOVSKY: So just make up some stuff for me to say.
ME: Eh, that's kind of dishonest, I don't really like my blog to be known for mislead-
TCHAIKOVSKY: ok ok, it was just an idea.
ME: .....So.....what should we talk about then?
TCHAIKOVSKY: I dunno.
ME: Right. Well, have-
TCHAIKOVSKY: Oh, I saw that Toy Story movie!
ME: Well, I don't know if that's really relevant, you're a classical-
TCHAIKOVSKY: Those toys! Ha! And that one, that "Buzz Lightman" or whatever his name was, what a cutup.
ME: Yeah, they were pretty decent, what did you think of the animation?
TCHAIKOVSKY: Or we could talk about that In N Out burger, no wonder you Americans are all so fat!
ME: Yes. So the 1812 overture, what inspired you to write such a powerful piece of music?
TCHAIKOVSKY: Eh. Nothing really, I just had to make some money, so I threw that together. Thought some cannons would be cool.
ME: That's it?
TCHAIKOVSKY: That's it.
ME: That's kind of disappointing.
TCHAIKOVSKY: Yeah. It was your idea to bring me here.
ME: Well, what about the Nutcracker?
TCHAIKOVSKY: So wait- are they making any more of those Toy Story movies? I only saw the one, but it was part 2. That means there was a first one.
ME: Right. There was one before that, and they just came out with a 3rd.
TCHAIKOVSKY: How were those ones?
ME: Pretty good. I mean, once you've seen one, you've sort of seen them all. But really, I'm surprised you liked it so much, I'm sure you didn't understand most of the toy references, and that's half the fun of the movies.
TCHAIKOVSKY: It's a children's movie. Half the jokes are about someone getting hit on the head.
ME: So let's talk about some modern music. What do you think of Lady Gaga?
TCHAIKOVSKY: Eh. Some of the songs were pretty catchy. That poker face one. She seems pretty weird though.
ME: Yeah.
TCHAIKOVSKY: This interview kind of sucks, huh?
ME: A little bit.
TCHAIKOVSKY: Sorry about that.
ME: It happens.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
TOP TEN DISCOVERIES MADE BY THE NEWLY SINGLE MAN
10. Belts are for the birds!*
9. "Cooking" involves pulling the lid off of a can of tuna to dip crackers.
8. Dinner consists of exactly the same thing and half a glass of orange juice.
7. Cleaning is forbidden.
6. Around the house, pants optional.
5. Everyone in the room likes whistling if you're the only one in the room.
4. Movies are much cheaper when you're only buying one ticket! ...unless they're in worthless "3D" that adds nothing to the movie.
3. More oxygen and less carbon dioxide around equates to a much more pleasurable breathing experience.
2. Now no one will know that you love watching the Westminster Dog Show.
1. The crippling loneliness!
*Figuratively.....but can you IMAGINE?? My heavens.
9. "Cooking" involves pulling the lid off of a can of tuna to dip crackers.
8. Dinner consists of exactly the same thing and half a glass of orange juice.
7. Cleaning is forbidden.
6. Around the house, pants optional.
5. Everyone in the room likes whistling if you're the only one in the room.
4. Movies are much cheaper when you're only buying one ticket! ...unless they're in worthless "3D" that adds nothing to the movie.
3. More oxygen and less carbon dioxide around equates to a much more pleasurable breathing experience.
2. Now no one will know that you love watching the Westminster Dog Show.
1. The crippling loneliness!
*Figuratively.....but can you IMAGINE?? My heavens.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Christmas Wishes
I'm so excited for this Christmas season. I've been a very good little boy this year, I haven't misbehaved once in Mrs. Hammershots class. Adam threw his Chips Ahoy cookies at me, but I didn't do one thing back. I didn't even tell Mrs. Hammershot. I just went back to adding my maths together.
And when I'm at home, I always help my sister, and my Mom, and my Dad who I all love very much. I helped my Mom with the Gingerbread men, and Dad hanging the lights on the tree, and I even helped my big sister shop for a present for her friend Anne.
I imagine tip-toing down the stairs on Christmas morning, the living room still fresh with the smell of the last bit of fire we had in the fireplace last night. I'll run to my stocking once I get down to the carpet, because it doesn't make as much noise as our wooden stairs do, and I'll pull out a new Videogame, the one with Super Mario and Donkey Kong in it, and I'll look over at the tree and be so happy. Because I'll know that my family all got the presents they wanted so very much to. I'll dive into the area with my big present, because I'll know what's there. A brand new bicycle and a new electronic keyboard. I'll hold them as closely to me as I can until my parents get downstairs, and then I'll give them the biggest hugs that anyone could ever give anyone else.
At least that's what I imagine I would do if I lived in a country that celebrated Christmas and didn't have to spend the day making cheap imitation women's wallets.
And when I'm at home, I always help my sister, and my Mom, and my Dad who I all love very much. I helped my Mom with the Gingerbread men, and Dad hanging the lights on the tree, and I even helped my big sister shop for a present for her friend Anne.
I imagine tip-toing down the stairs on Christmas morning, the living room still fresh with the smell of the last bit of fire we had in the fireplace last night. I'll run to my stocking once I get down to the carpet, because it doesn't make as much noise as our wooden stairs do, and I'll pull out a new Videogame, the one with Super Mario and Donkey Kong in it, and I'll look over at the tree and be so happy. Because I'll know that my family all got the presents they wanted so very much to. I'll dive into the area with my big present, because I'll know what's there. A brand new bicycle and a new electronic keyboard. I'll hold them as closely to me as I can until my parents get downstairs, and then I'll give them the biggest hugs that anyone could ever give anyone else.
At least that's what I imagine I would do if I lived in a country that celebrated Christmas and didn't have to spend the day making cheap imitation women's wallets.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
DUMB GUY interviews HEWLETT PACKARD CEO MARK HURD
this is a transcript
DUMB GUY: Welcome, Mark Hurd!
MARK HURD: Thanks, I'm happy to give you a few minutes.
DUMB GUY: Right, because you know my cousin Merlin, right?
MARK HURD: No, I know your sister. Rachel.
DUMB GUY: Right. So! Let's talk about your new comptrollers.
MARK HURD: ....Well, HP has an exciting new product line coming out next quar-
DUMB GUY: What does HP stand for?
MARK HURD: Hewlett Packard.
DUMB GUY: I bet it stands for "Hot Mustard".
MARK HURD: .....It doesn't.
DUMB GUY: But it could.
MARK HURD: No, because Mustard starts with an M.
DUMB GUY: What is a "Hewlett"?
MARK HURD: Hewlett was the name of one of the.....excuse me what are you doing?
DUMB GUY: Oh, me? I'm just eating some Skittles. Would you like one?
MARK HURD: That doesn't look like Skittles.
DUMB GUY: Yup. Skittles all right. See?
MARK HURD: I see that's a Skittles wrapper, but it looks like you're eating toothpaste.
DUMB GUY: What if we changed Mustard so it started with a T?
MARK HURD: You still couldn't make the P in HP stand for Mustard...or ...Tustard. Sir, I'm worried that eating toothpaste at that rate could be harmful to your health, that's your 4th pack!
DUMB GUY: It's Skittles.
MARK HURD: I can clearly see it's a gel form, and it smells minty. That sir is toothpaste.
DUMB GUY: Right.
MARK HURD: Right....it's toothpaste?
DUMB GUY: No, right it's Skittles.
MARK HURD: I'm leaving.
DUMB GUY: Taste the rainbow!
DUMB GUY: Welcome, Mark Hurd!
MARK HURD: Thanks, I'm happy to give you a few minutes.
DUMB GUY: Right, because you know my cousin Merlin, right?
MARK HURD: No, I know your sister. Rachel.
DUMB GUY: Right. So! Let's talk about your new comptrollers.
MARK HURD: ....Well, HP has an exciting new product line coming out next quar-
DUMB GUY: What does HP stand for?
MARK HURD: Hewlett Packard.
DUMB GUY: I bet it stands for "Hot Mustard".
MARK HURD: .....It doesn't.
DUMB GUY: But it could.
MARK HURD: No, because Mustard starts with an M.
DUMB GUY: What is a "Hewlett"?
MARK HURD: Hewlett was the name of one of the.....excuse me what are you doing?
DUMB GUY: Oh, me? I'm just eating some Skittles. Would you like one?
MARK HURD: That doesn't look like Skittles.
DUMB GUY: Yup. Skittles all right. See?
MARK HURD: I see that's a Skittles wrapper, but it looks like you're eating toothpaste.
DUMB GUY: What if we changed Mustard so it started with a T?
MARK HURD: You still couldn't make the P in HP stand for Mustard...or ...Tustard. Sir, I'm worried that eating toothpaste at that rate could be harmful to your health, that's your 4th pack!
DUMB GUY: It's Skittles.
MARK HURD: I can clearly see it's a gel form, and it smells minty. That sir is toothpaste.
DUMB GUY: Right.
MARK HURD: Right....it's toothpaste?
DUMB GUY: No, right it's Skittles.
MARK HURD: I'm leaving.
DUMB GUY: Taste the rainbow!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
It's Time to Take Out the Trash
I think I want to start inserting movie character dialogue into my daily life. But instead of using puns, I want to use words in their literal sense, only say them like I'm trying to bust out a cool one-liner. As an example, I would say "This oughta heat things up." when everyone is cold and I'm turning up the heater. Or if I'm having a taxi take me home, when we get to my house yell "Yeah! This is MY house!" and then pound my chest. It's all about the delivery.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Cactus
I am a cactus. I don't need much water, and I have needles. All over the place. That's what I'm known for. Think about that.
It wouldn't be very fun, would it? Maybe I should say to myself "Hey, look Cactus, that person that just drove by? They're not known for anything. Nobody in Delaware knows who they are, but they sure do know who I am. A Cactus." But that's not me. That's not who I am. I didn't study my rear endquarters off at Johns Hopkins and spend years touring with the Dayton Philharmonic Orchestra, ultimately unseating that snotty Bonnie Sherman to win the spot as lead Contrabassoonist just to be known as "that guy who can live where oaks can't." Forget it! Did you know I've memorized all 154 of Shakespeare's sonnets? Take heed, dear heart, of this large privilege; The hardest knife ill-used doth lose his edge. Yeah. Still- when you think of me, is that going to come to mind? Probably not. Your thought is probably how you want to avoid sitting on me. You know what? I'm not even going to bother anymore. I'm just going to sit here and watch some more reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. Which is actually a really good show- I'm not just watching it to prove a point about how pathetic my life has become. I mean the TV watching has something to do with that, but if I'm going to watch something, it might as well be entertaining. And the way those characters stay true to form....fabulous. Especially that Frank. R.I.P. Peter Boyle. You will be missed.
It wouldn't be very fun, would it? Maybe I should say to myself "Hey, look Cactus, that person that just drove by? They're not known for anything. Nobody in Delaware knows who they are, but they sure do know who I am. A Cactus." But that's not me. That's not who I am. I didn't study my rear endquarters off at Johns Hopkins and spend years touring with the Dayton Philharmonic Orchestra, ultimately unseating that snotty Bonnie Sherman to win the spot as lead Contrabassoonist just to be known as "that guy who can live where oaks can't." Forget it! Did you know I've memorized all 154 of Shakespeare's sonnets? Take heed, dear heart, of this large privilege; The hardest knife ill-used doth lose his edge. Yeah. Still- when you think of me, is that going to come to mind? Probably not. Your thought is probably how you want to avoid sitting on me. You know what? I'm not even going to bother anymore. I'm just going to sit here and watch some more reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. Which is actually a really good show- I'm not just watching it to prove a point about how pathetic my life has become. I mean the TV watching has something to do with that, but if I'm going to watch something, it might as well be entertaining. And the way those characters stay true to form....fabulous. Especially that Frank. R.I.P. Peter Boyle. You will be missed.
 |
| Artist's rendition. CACTUS NOT DRAWN TO SCALE |
Awake-Man! Late-Night Guy! The Midnight Avenger!
It has recently come to my attention that I have a superpower. I've had it for a long time, and it's not a very good one. I have the ability to stay up very late without falling asleep. This came in handy when I needed to write papers for school, and still does when I want to drive somewhere very late and avoid traffic. It also helps for putting together a good fantasy football team, AND I have managed to waste my life on the internet in ways no mortal could ever dream.
Alas, the downsides are twofold*, as with great power comes great responsibility, although I'm not quite sure what being able to stay up late makes me responsible for- and I definitely have a weakness. Aluminum. Two weaknesses. Besides aluminum, I am unable to wake up at a decent hour in the morning. This isn't because I'm lazy, it's just that anything before 9:30am becomes a struggle, it doesn't matter how early I go to bed. Weird, huh?
* I don't understand where folding comes into play.
Alas, the downsides are twofold*, as with great power comes great responsibility, although I'm not quite sure what being able to stay up late makes me responsible for- and I definitely have a weakness. Aluminum. Two weaknesses. Besides aluminum, I am unable to wake up at a decent hour in the morning. This isn't because I'm lazy, it's just that anything before 9:30am becomes a struggle, it doesn't matter how early I go to bed. Weird, huh?
* I don't understand where folding comes into play.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Let's Stop Calling it a "Rest"room. Unless we Start Building Cots in There.
I recently attended a hockey game in Anaheim, where I had the good fortune of having to go to the bathroom. In an arena, you're always fearing the worst in a men's room, and ladies, let me tell you, I'm talking worst. Fellas, you know where I'm going with this, and since there are grandmothers, little children, and princesses that read this blog, I'm going to spare the details of the horrors that lurk beyond those doorless concrete entrences with the little neckless handless feetless faceless hairless white jumpsuit wearing floating head men on them
yes, that's the one. Poor guy. If that guy doesn't say "manly" to you, I don't know what does. Personally, I would have put a picture of a bearded man eating a steak in one hand and swinging a giant axe at a group of criminals in the other, all while reading the dictionary; that's right: learning is manly. But I guess he'll have to do.
I've always wondered though, and I've yet to ask any women I know how they feel about the women's room sign. Are they offended by the dress? I know a lot of girls who prefer jeans over every other method of lower half coverings.
I've also always wondered if kilt wearing Scots are constantly confused about which bathroom to use. Definitely a recipe for disaster.
But anyway, back to the men's room at the hockey game. Not as bad as you would think. Rather than explaining why, let me show you one of the greatest fears any man has when entering a bathroom. No, it's not the filth, that is to be expected, no, not the smell, again a given in public restrooms, it's this:
LOW EXTREMELY CLOSE URINALS WITH NO DIVIDERS IN A WELL LIT AREA! Luckily, that is not what I got at the game, the bathroom was very nice there.
Ladies, should you ever encounter a black or any other color related magical "Freaky-Friday"-esque situation where you find yourself in the body of a man and need to use a public bathroom, I hope you will have imparted to you the knowledge that all men instinctually have, but if you do not get that knowledge, allow me to illuminate the etiquette required:
RULE #4 NO CHIT-CHAT
Look, there's a lot of time in the day. You do not need to continue the conversation, and you certainly, absolutely, under no circumstances do NOT* start a conversation. If you are that desperate for talk about how the Chargers looked in the first half, I'm sorry, truly, I am. But you don't walk up to another guy mid use and do anything that requires thought. You may think we just stand there, but it's harder than it looks.
RULE #6 DON'T USE THE CHILD SIZE ONE
The splashback potential is exponentially greater. Not a pretty sight for anyone involved.
RULE #7 FINISH YOUR ZIPPING AND ANY OTHER ADJUSTING BEFORE YOU TURN AROUND
It doesn't matter how big of a hurry you're in. Get it under control buddy.
RULE #8 AIM FOR GUM, THE PICTURE OF A FLY, THE CAKE, OR ANY OTHER OBJECT
It's just what you do. Again though, beware of splashback potential.
So there you have it. 8 rules that I believe are fairly simple to follow. There are probably a few others I'm leaving out, but again, I remind you, there's a princess of some distant country reading this blog.
As far as the bathroom makers themselves, we're not asking much, but here are some things I think should be essential:
-Dividers in-between the urinals. Come on. Not too much to ask, and easily the best way to avoid any more unpleasantness in an already terrifying world. And if you're not going to put them up, at least give us a couple feet of space in-between. Or a trough. I've always liked the trough.
-No more manual flushing. Please, don't make us touch anything. Do you know where that stuff has been??
-If you're going to do the timed sinks, make them so they last for more than one second. I'm not the Flash.
-If you're going to have automatic hand-dryers they better be strong enough so I can see my skin move. The greater the force of air being blown, the better.
-What's with the super tall, no depth urinals? Please don't.
*That's right, I used the bold-underline-italicize-all caps. I went there.
I've always wondered though, and I've yet to ask any women I know how they feel about the women's room sign. Are they offended by the dress? I know a lot of girls who prefer jeans over every other method of lower half coverings.
But anyway, back to the men's room at the hockey game. Not as bad as you would think. Rather than explaining why, let me show you one of the greatest fears any man has when entering a bathroom. No, it's not the filth, that is to be expected, no, not the smell, again a given in public restrooms, it's this:
LOW EXTREMELY CLOSE URINALS WITH NO DIVIDERS IN A WELL LIT AREA! Luckily, that is not what I got at the game, the bathroom was very nice there.
Ladies, should you ever encounter a black or any other color related magical "Freaky-Friday"-esque situation where you find yourself in the body of a man and need to use a public bathroom, I hope you will have imparted to you the knowledge that all men instinctually have, but if you do not get that knowledge, allow me to illuminate the etiquette required:
RULES WHEN USING A URINAL IN A MEN'S ROOM
RULE #1: IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, TAKE A URINAL WITH NOBODY ON EITHER SIDE
This is the most important rule. It doesn't matter if there's an open one right next to the door, if there's a guy using the one next to it, you walk as far as you have to to find a double empty. The level of filth on the open urinal also is irrelevant when taking this rule into consideration, it doesn't matter how disgusting it is, you take the one with nobody next to it. Just hold your breath and don't look down. Which leads to rule #2:
RULE #2: YOU MAY ONLY LOOK STRAIGHT DOWN OR STRAIGHT UP
There's no middle ground here. You need to be testing the flexibility of your neck. If you're not looking at the ceiling or your neck is not physically touching your chest, something is wrong. The only possible exception is having a television or newspaper directly at eye level, and even then, you better make sure nothing shakes your concentration. A mild explosion should not change the amount of focus given to the direction of your line of sight. What are the reasons for these rules? It's not anything homophobic, it's mostly about privacy, ...and it's the same reason we don't have a garbage channel on tv, or we ask other people not to chew with their mouths open.
RULE #3 IF WAITING IN LINE, GIVE THE PERSON AS MUCH SPACE AS POSSIBLE
Pretend they're using an ATM. Only multiply that by 10. Wait outside if possible. In your car.RULE #4 NO CHIT-CHAT
Look, there's a lot of time in the day. You do not need to continue the conversation, and you certainly, absolutely, under no circumstances do NOT* start a conversation. If you are that desperate for talk about how the Chargers looked in the first half, I'm sorry, truly, I am. But you don't walk up to another guy mid use and do anything that requires thought. You may think we just stand there, but it's harder than it looks.
RULE #6 DON'T USE THE CHILD SIZE ONE
The splashback potential is exponentially greater. Not a pretty sight for anyone involved.
RULE #7 FINISH YOUR ZIPPING AND ANY OTHER ADJUSTING BEFORE YOU TURN AROUND
It doesn't matter how big of a hurry you're in. Get it under control buddy.
RULE #8 AIM FOR GUM, THE PICTURE OF A FLY, THE CAKE, OR ANY OTHER OBJECT
It's just what you do. Again though, beware of splashback potential.
So there you have it. 8 rules that I believe are fairly simple to follow. There are probably a few others I'm leaving out, but again, I remind you, there's a princess of some distant country reading this blog.
As far as the bathroom makers themselves, we're not asking much, but here are some things I think should be essential:
-Dividers in-between the urinals. Come on. Not too much to ask, and easily the best way to avoid any more unpleasantness in an already terrifying world. And if you're not going to put them up, at least give us a couple feet of space in-between. Or a trough. I've always liked the trough.
-No more manual flushing. Please, don't make us touch anything. Do you know where that stuff has been??
-If you're going to do the timed sinks, make them so they last for more than one second. I'm not the Flash.
-If you're going to have automatic hand-dryers they better be strong enough so I can see my skin move. The greater the force of air being blown, the better.
-What's with the super tall, no depth urinals? Please don't.
*That's right, I used the bold-underline-italicize-all caps. I went there.
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