BONK!

The length of our storytelling/entertainment has shrunk drastically over the past couple decades.
We started off with the Bible, then went to Shakespeare, then War and Peace, then Gone With the Wind, to Seinfeld, to the Internet and its 3 minutes or less videos/posts.  I'm going to enjoy the future when our entertainment has devolved into making funny noises.

Happiest of Memorial Days to You All

What sort of a vacation is one without family?  I bet even the earliest of life forms took family with them or went to visit family on their vacations.  From whatever single celled organisms need to get away from. 

You Have Some 'Splain'in to do!

HEYOOO!!!

Let me tell you about Gandolin.  His hair flowed like a waterfall over a sharp cliff.  As sharp as a dentists scrapey thing that he uses to "clean your plaque" when really you know he's just stabbing you in the gums as he thinks "Ha!  Shows you.  I'm a DOCTOR!"
Gandolin worked at Del Taco.  Which loosely translates to "Of the taco."  And tightly translates to "Taco Taco."  So his hair flowed.  All the way down to some other verbose description.

Then, everyone exploded.  Off of the roof.  In the street.  On a tree.  With their head off.

ELLEN DEGENERES!!!!!


...which loosely translates to "The Len Of Generations".

It's Also not Even "One Corn" like You'd Think

I have to say, I'm very disappointed.  Much like the creativity I wrote about earlier when naming masterpieces, I can't believe that after all the years us humans have been around we haven't done any better in the mythical creatures department.
They're really unoriginal.  A unicorn is just a horse with a horn on it.  And that's our best one!  The unicorn is the go to mythical creature.  But they're all just other animals combined.  Dragon?  Lizard + bat.  Griffin?  Lion + eagle.  These people had no TV, no internet, no radio, tons less literature around, and that's the best they could do?
And it gets even lazier!  "Uh....let's just make a person and something else..."  Medusa.  Snake Man.  Minotaur.  Bull Man.  Werewolf?  Wolf Man.  Spider-Man?  Jeez we're still doing it. 
If I was doing a unicorn it would have way more than one horn, probably some wheels, a microwave, some sort of vacuum attachment, some dust from the Rings of Saturn, Tungsten, and fire.  Or maybe even a few things that don't even exist yet.  Anyone can just think of random objects and put them on a horse.  If we have a goal for these next 2,000 years or so, it should be outdoing our forefathers in the mythical creature department.  Who's with me?

TOP TEN STAR WARS SEQUEL TITLES GEORGE LUCAS IS CONSIDERING

10.  Episode X: Assault of The Spooky Looming Dark Specters
9. Episode XVI: How do you Say "Hello" in Jedi?  "Yo!"duh.
8. Episode XXIV: Han Solo Flies the Coop
7. Episode XXVII: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull..yeah!  It'll work way better in these movies.
6. Episode XXXI: Someone Finally Fixes C-3PO so he Stops Being Such a Ninny
5. Episode XXXVIII: There's Something That's Supposed to be Cute but is Annoying in This one too!
4. Episode XLI: The Salacious Crumb Story You've all been Waiting for!
3. Episode LV: An R2-D2 Translator is Made: Turns Out he Swears a Lot.
2. Episode LX: Chewbacca Falls in the Shower and Breaks His Hip
1. Episode MXVI: A Newer Hope!

Chillin' out Max and Relaxin' all Cool

So that cab with a license place that said Fresh and had dice in the mirror drove all the way across the U.S.?  How much was the fare?  They must have stopped for the night at a motel, did they get separate rooms?  I wonder if he sat in the back the whole way.  That must have gotten awkward if he did.  Why would the cabbie agree to that?  He wouldn't get money for the way back, and it's not like he knew him, he just stopped because he whistled.

Rapture + Doomsday = DoomRapture?

So this past Saturday was supposed to be the Rapture, according to a large group of people.  While I didn't make it to the bank in time to get a roll of quarters on Saturday, it actually was not the end of the world, as I had feared.  We made it out alive, yay!  There were a good number of signs and flyers around town for the past couple weeks.

The past couple weeks.


I don't know about you guys, but while I appreciate the warning that life on Earth as we know it is coming to an end, I'd prefer to know about it a little more than a couple of weeks in advance.  These people must have been serious enough about it to pay for a billboard, so why couldn't they go bigger than this?  Make a good "end of the world" movie for once, maybe even a decent mini-series on the Sci-Fi channel.  Or at least have the billboard up a few months beforehand.  It's not like they needed to save their money for anything.  Again, I want to be clear, I appreciate the thought, but I have to say- the warning really was half-assed.  The next time you know that doomsday is upon us, let's bring our A game!  Also, for those of you that know me in real life, if it ever does happen, as the world is ending, please remind me to say "Come on guys, it's not that bad, it's not like it's the end of the world or anything!".  The more fire that's raining down upon us the funnier it'll get, trust me.

Deep Dish

Two slices of PIZZA lie on a giant metal plate, awaiting to be shoveled up with the pie cutter.....which has been dipped in MAGIC TOMATO SAUCE.

ARCHIBALD:Remember when we were kids?  The best incentive our teachers could give us was the promise of a pizza party.
BIXLEY:What's so great about a pizza party?
ARCHIBALD:Right.  But we all bought into it.  If we read enough books or sold enough wrapping paper or whatever else we were scammed into, and we got that pizza party, we'd all go nuts!
BIXLEY:Yeah.  Simpler times.  Hey Archie-
ARCHIBALD: I asked you to call me Archibald.  That's my name, it's what I prefer.
BIXLEY: Jeez, you don't have to be so curt.
ARCHIBALD: Did that come across as curt?  I'm sorry, it's just there's no nice way of saying that.  But what am I supposed to do?  Be called by a name I don't like for the rest of the time we know each other?
BIXLEY:Arch is way easier to say.
ARCHIBALD:I know, it's two whole syllables less.  You have to make your mouth work to get it out.
BIXLEY:Hey Archibald, do you think we'll enjoy being eaten?
ARCHIBALD:That's a great question.  I mean, you'd think that was our entire purpose in life, but yet, the whole "being devoured" thing is a pretty gruesome prospect.
BIXLEY: Right.  That's why I asked.
ARCHIBALD:I'm bored.  This is what purgatory must be like.  Just sitting here all day long, having no purpose, no direction, not knowing what your life is for.
BIXLEY: Then what do you think hell is like?
ARCHIBALD: The same, just with more fire.
Suddenly, a HAND reaches in and grabs ARCHIBALD, then shoves him into a mouth, where ARCHIBALD is devoured.
BIXLEY: Off to the big pizza party in the sky.

And Apparently They're Doing it to get "The Worm", Whatever That is.

In this world, there are "morning people" and there are "night owls".  I am the latter.  I don't even get to be a person.  I'm an owl.*  This would be bad enough, but to top it off, the world is not made for people who stay up late, and don't enjoy the morning.  Things open at 8, and close well before I go to bed.  Upon making this realization, I think I finally understood what it was like to be left handed.
Nobody ever goes to bed too early to eat dinner, and even then, dinner is a meal you can easily have for lunch.  I miss breakfast all the time, my bacon quota is dangerously low for the quarter.



*And aren't all owls "night owls"?  Shouldn't it just be "owl"?

Lone Wolf

"I'm a lone wolf.  I traverse the wilderness alone, coloring both inside AND outside the lines, sometimes I sharpen my crayon with the sharpener that's on the back of the box that doesn't work very well, sometimes I just throw the crayon away and use a whole different color.
People see me and they think "stay away".  They know I'm a lobo who is a honcho that likes burritos.  And when I order my burritos, I order them full of life.  Because don't get me wrong, there's a dark side, but inside that dark side is a heart filled with charity.  And that's an extra heart that's on the dark side.  There's still one on the regular side.  That one's just a regular heart though, just pumps blood and stuff.  It's a good heart though.  Ran a bunch of marathons with it.  Solo marathons.  No relays.  Lone wolf, remember?  I'm like a soaring eagle....no wait, that's too much.  Still a wolf.  But imagine a wolf that howls AND makes that eagle noise. 
I'm also the big cheese.  But again, still a wolf, just using the expression that means large and in charge.  Regular size wolf though."
-And that's what I told the lady who asked me why I was waiting in line in the supermarket in a checkout lane with no cashier at the register all by myself for ten minutes.

The Great Con

I often wonder if at the highest floor of every giant building that is the headquarters of a major corporation there's not some greedy 60 year old man smoking a cigar, laughing at the fact that every 4 years our computers, cell phones, cars, alarm clocks, toasters, etc. break.  He's got a blue pinstriped suit on, and he thinks it's sooo hilarious that he's pulling a fast one on us.  Well I'm on to you, mister.  Please know, if something unexpected should ever happen to me, "they" got me.  But then when your vacuum works for 6 years, you'll also know who to thank.  It's funny that vacuum has two "U"s in it.

Blogger Down!

I had a great post idea ready to go last night, I was going to talk about stickers and how great they are, how much we all liked them when we were kids, their appeal, which I maybe would have turned into some pun about "a peel", then I might have mentioned bright colors and how I still secretly like stickers, and possibly even thrown in a mild swear word like "hell" or "damn".
It would have been pretty decent, and I apologize to you, my readers.
The both you.

Combine the Words "Die" and "Eat"

Diet.

I'll leave you to think about what they're trying to tell us.

Apologies to the Other Neons

I feel truly sorry for Neon Green.

Toast of the town in the 80s, on backpacks and shoelaces everywhere, now look at it.
People look at it and wince.  It's the only color known to physically damage retinas. 

I really hope it didn't let success go to its head, because I bet even if NG didn't, the other colors are talking behind its back.  If Neon Green WAS a jerk- man.  You know how catty colors can be.  I'm not envious one tiny bit.  Hopefully Neon Green is licking its wounds (figuratively) and awaiting a comeback.  I'm sure it'll be back.  How many colors are named after a gas on the periodic table?

TOP TEN WORST MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS FROM 2011

10. Mickey D's gift cards
9. A mechanical bull
8. Tickets to see the unmade "Hulk 3", released sometime yet to be determined.
7. "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" Deluxe Anniversary Edition
6. A half eaten Pop Tart
5. Front row seats to Monday's monster truck rally
4. Nose bleed seats to Monday's monster truck rally
3. A gift basket ...of DOOM!
2. A litter of wolverines
1. "#1 Dad" T-shirt/mug combo!

Thoughts of Regular Depth

Some personal notes from my life:

I had a waiter who decided it would be a good idea to correct me on my fitness knowledge.  When I remarked that being very fit could be a bummer because you would be less likely to enjoy fatty and delicious foods like donuts, he let me know that it's fine, as long as you have muscles.  Ah.  Thanks fitness expert (not fit).  He also interrupted a conversation about black representing bad in movies and white representing good to tell us that the Star Wars movies were written years before they were made and proceeded to argue about which were written first.  Not a fine example for his kind.

I had a dream that I was really great at basketball which somehow carried over to me shooting around- when I tried the moves my brain must have thought I was still capable of- well, let's just say it wasn't pretty.

I still am bothered by the term "e-mail", because it's really more of an "e-note", and text messages...well, all written messages are text aren't they?  We're not confusing them with smoke signals.

Apparently up in the bay area you are required to have a photo of you hiking, rock climbing, and snowboarding in any sort of online photo profile you have.  I will soon be asked to leave the area by the proper authorities.

Maybe I Should Stop Lighting that Log in the Fireplace

But it changes colors!!!

It's hot.
It's probably 80 degrees out and it's hot.


Sometimes living on my own is a bad thing.  It took me sitting here sweating in my underpants trying to write something before I figured out I should open the door to my room and open some windows in my place.  My room was probably 90 and all stagnant air.

A roommate may eat your peanut butter and play stupid rap songs right next to your wall, but at least they save you from being an idiot sometimes.

Fruit of the Loon

New Study: Multitasking Kills Brain Cells

I've read this recently.  Or at least I think I did.  I was listening to some music at the same time and then the phone rang.  Either way, there's no more stuff that things and me do good.

Mr. Peanut: Debonair Snack, or Evil Peanut Genius?

He doesn't look that nice.

And where did all these peanut allergies come from?

That cane makes me think he's up to no good, he looks pretty young and his legs seem to be in good condition.  I'm also suspicious of the monocle.  What's the function of a monocle anyway?  Is it just to officially make you the Count of something?  They doesn't seem like they make a lot of sense.

Anyway, next time I see Mr. Peanut, he better be careful.