Snailed it!

  Two snails sit in a garden outside a small apartment complex in Valley Village, CA.  They have suddenly been blessed with the ability to speak thanks to the power of love.  The snails do not love each other.  A collective, Universal love has blessed them with talking and thinking ability.  It has reached a level that puts human anatomy into asexual slug mollusks.  The level of love is most likely due to overpopulation.

MARTIN: Well, I do believe we have gained the ability to speak.
SNAILFORD: English, I believe.
MARTIN: I'm speaking with some sort of a pseudo-British accent.
SNAILFORD: Yes, that's because fashion wise you're the more sophisticated of the two of us.
MARTIN: Correct, I have an excellent scarf collection.   .....Snailford, why are we here?
SNAILFORD: Well, I don't think it really matters.  We're snails.
MARTIN:  Yeah, but- there has to be some reason we're here.
SNAILFORD: There's a sale at Target.
MARTIN: We don't have any money.
SNAILFORD: Maybe the sale is 100% off.
MARTIN: Maybe.
SNAILFORD: Probably not though.
MARTIN:  Maybe we exist in order to move the things around us.
SNAILFORD: Whatever do you mean dear boy?
MARTIN: I'm not a boy.  And I mean .... the dirt, the plants, these things wouldn't move if we weren't here right now.
SNAILFORD: But they'd probably move in some other way, an ant, a gust of wind, a shark.
MARTIN: Sharks don't move dirt or plants.  At least not yet.
SNAILFORD: Oh that's right.  Well, I think your theory has some validity.  And who knows what these plants and dirt have to do with the big picture?  Most likely nothing, but they could be important.
MARTIN:  They could.  Einstein developed the theory of relativity from looking at his ferns.
SNAILFORD:  No he didn't.
MARTIN:  No, but Snail Einstein might one day.
SNAILFORD: But he won't.
MARTIN: Snailford, I've developed a taste for salt.
SNAILFORD: You have?  In this, our few brief moments of a higher consciousness?
MARTIN: Yes, but it's not a big deal.  Our consciousnesses aren't THAT high.  Remember, we were just talking about a sale at Target.
SNAILFORD: Hmm.  So now what?
MARTIN: I'm probably going to get eaten by a bird.

He does.  A crow swoops in, devours Martin, and flies off.

SNAILFORD:  Well.  This sucks.