Snood for President

I sure miss Snood.  It's on my computer, which I don't have because I'm a jerk and tried to watch (maybe) an unnamed TV show which someone I guess put viruses into to teach people like me who don't want to have their lives revolve around sitting in front of a movingpictures box a lesson.  Lesson learned: computer nerds are butt heads.  (just kidding computer nerd who's reading this and contemplating giving my blog a virus- like e-strep or the iflu(pronounced like ipod).
What makes someone want to give another person's computer a virus?  Is it the 21st century equivalent of putting a flaming bag of dog poo on someone's porch?  A "hilarious" prank?  It must be.  Only you don't know the person you're pulling the prank on, and you don't get to see their reaction when it happens to them.  Oh the comedy!
Anyway, Snood is a game where you shoot different colored circles at other circles (or sometimes triangles) of the same color.  Why would you miss this, you may ask?  ...Look, it's just fun ok.  Be happy I'm not out messing with everyone's donkeys.

5% of People at Baseball Games Call "Umps" "Refs". I Call Them: Friends.

Job postings are the new prank phone calls.
I think companies post them to see how many suckers they'll get to apply.
....Come to think of it, maybe I shouldn't have applied for "Executive Refrigerator Runner"....

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I was at a baseball game tonight, and must have made a lot of people happy.  At least 3 grown men looked at me and yelled "AYYY!!  A DODGERS FAN!!!"  I'm not quite sure how they cracked this code and discovered my true fan identity, but they were proud enough that they did so to let everyone in the surrounding 20 feet know.  Maybe the Dodger hat and t shirt I was wearing tipped them off.  It must have been notable to them because the Dodgers were playing that day, but not at their home stadium.  Given that I was one of at least 10,000 other Dodger fans to make this trip, my being there was special, to both Dodger and Padres fans alike.  Hopefully these people attack the rest of their lives with such gusto.  "AYYY....TWO PAIRS OF SOCKS!!!"  "LOOKIT THAT!!  A THIRD BUTTON!! (after buttoning the first 2 buttons on their shirt).

The fan next to me tonight was furious that the catcher was putting his foot outside of the box that was drawn in around home plate.  He was standing up screaming at the umpire to right this wrong.  Turned out the team he was cheering for had a catcher who was doing the same thing, only moreso, and I'm 99% sure this isn't a rule.  So I had a good time making up rules I was outraged weren't being followed.  "THAT GUY PUT HIS HAT ON BEFORE HIS GLOVE TONIGHT, COME ON!!!"
"WHAT!?!  NONE OF THE PLAYERS ARE WEARING THE DESIGNATED HORSE MANE!!!  WHAT IS UP WITH THAT???"
"MY HOT DOG GOT COLD DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM!!  HOW IS THAT NOT WORTH TWO RUNS?!?!  SERIOUSLY!!!"

"Hi, You've Reached"...I'm Not Reaching for Anything, I'm Calling Someone!

There should be a time limit on outgoing voice mail messages on people's phones.  After 3 years of calling and hearing the same message when the people don't pick up, you start to resent the tone, the words, and the spirit of what they're saying.  I find myself occasionally mocking what they say, frequently rolling my eyes, and always doing the thing where you put your hand sideways, stick out your pointer finger, and move it in a circle that means "hurry up". 
Those "ringback" tones are even worse though- when you call someone and have to listen to music they picked instead of a dial tone.  How presumptuous is it to think that every person who calls you will have the same taste in music as you?  And it's not like they're picking Mozart, I always get someone wailing about something I can't even understand.  And as I finished that last sentence I turned into an 80 year old curmudgeon.

AND ANOTHER THING!

Let's all stop with the "leave a message" or "wait for the tone" thing- we get it.  And don't say you're sorry you missed my call!  You don't know that!  I'm certainly not sorry I miss half the calls I dump into my voicemail.  Er- I mean.....always...miss....  yeah, that's the ticket!

Meet my Friend: Stapler

Maybe it's because I can't stay grounded in reality, maybe it's a telling sign of how much I enjoy interacting with actual people, I think it's more a case of my mind existing in a cartoon world.
I very much enjoy picturing inanimate objects come to life.  Like this guy:

 "Heyyyy!!!"  He seems to be saying.  How could you not like a chair like him?

Someone once asked me if I were stuck on an island like Tom Hanks in "Castaway" if I would have an imaginary friend like Wilson the volleyball.  I told them I wouldn't.  I'd have about 100.  Probably a whole town of inanimate object friends......and enemies.  I would also probably die in a week if I were stuck on an island like Tom Hanks in Castaway, but that's a different story.



On a completely different note, I've been noticing lately how a lot of places here in Southern California have Spanish names.  La Jolla, La Mesa, La Playa, etc.  It got me to thinking, I would be very amused if there were places in South America, Spain, or Mexico named "Beach".  Or "Jewell".  "Hey everyone, let's go to "The Table", they have a great downtown area!"  Explorers, settlers, and the government officials who named places in our country weren't very creative.  "Ah, look at this beautiful place I've never been to before!  I shall call it "Mountain Land".  I can't decide if I applaud them for telling it like it is, or am disappointed they didn't name more places stuff like "Booty" or "Mike's a Jerk".  Then again, I guess that's what your video game characters are for.

I Bet I'd be Awesome at Postdicting

1) I predict that this blog will feature multiple DOUBLE predictions.
2) I predict that this joke format will be ripped off from Michael Ian Black's Twitter Page.

1) I predict that the elderly will get tired of living in a civilization that views them as outdated instead of revered and will rise up against us using doomsday machines.
2) I predict the uprising will be short lived as they won't be able to figure out the controls of the doomsday machines unless we show them.

1) I predict that somewhere around the world, a child will laugh about "Winnie the Pooh" having "poo" in his name.
2) I predict that when that same child is 40 years old, I will still think this is funny.

1) I predict that the next time I make spaghetti I'll put in too much pasta and not enough tomato sauce.
2) I predict that the time I make spaghetti after that I'll put in too much pasta and not enough tomato sauce.

1) I predict that within the next 10 years, we'll have 8G cell phones.
2) I predict that by then we still won't know what "G" stands for, and companies could have made up anything that sounds cool- "The Nokia LaserQ, now with R9-5!!"

1) I predict that somewhere around the world, someone is online discussing the ending of "Inception".
2) I predict that in response, someone is posting a link to an overly cynical critics review of "Inception.", thereby thinking that they are discussing it as well.

1) I predict that all readers will have enjoyed this somewhat different blog post and I will be very satisfied with it after posting.
2) I predict that the prediction before this one will be wrong.

Where Would Modern Business be Without the "Sarcastic Smiley"?

Here at work we have something called the "office communicator" which sounds very professional, (or like a super terminator-like robot that wears a tie and communicates with pristine efficiency) but the fact that I can use it to send a coworker an icon of a rainbow, slice of pizza, martini, or "dogface" (that's actually what the program calls it) makes it feel a little less business like.  That could be just me though.  It also tells me that while an instant messaging program may be important for serious "office communications", it's main purpose is for people who want to screw around while at work.  Which of course is something I never do.

Totally Rad Epic Bling Blog......NOT!!

Why can't I ever start sayings?

Even if they become ridiculous and outdated in a matter of months, I'd like to be the one who started something.  Someone somewhere is very pleased with themselves for getting people to say "da bomb" instead of "cool" and that person is pleased with themselves for getting people to say that instead of "great".  But who would say "great" these days?  Clearly only squares.  I mean....n00bs.  I mean....notgreats.  Maybe that's been my problem.  Maybe I should have been trying to start some negative words all along instead of euphemisms for "good".
The ones that really get me though are taking words that already exist and just throwing them to the forefront of popculture's vernacular. Like whoever started using "epic" and has gotten it to the point that the "wacky" DJs on the radio station who play hits 4 years too late thinks they're cool by using it.  "Now, that was an epic song from (....uh....whoever did that "Had a Bad Day" song.  -I've sat here trying to think of it for 2 minutes.   Time for google.  Ah, yes,) Daniel Powter!" 
I've wanted to start saying ghastly more- I think that could work.  "Man, that girl was ghastly." Or maybe we could even reverse bad it.  Like how we've made sick and bitching good things.  "Ghastly cake you've made Barbara."

Not a good idea?  Whatever.  Buncha notgreats.

Then Leo Would Turn Into the Hulk and Start Playing Laser Tag

I did not sleep very well last night, this was because there was a bird who decided to recite what in bird-speak was probably the entire Frank Sinatra discography. Although it did not sound like Frank Sinatra. It sounded like a car alarm. Upon further research, I discovered that the scientific name for this bird is the Car Alarmbird, a distant relative of the Bluebird. After the bird's show was over around 3am, I was able to get back to sleep, only to have a different bird wake me up around 5:30. This one sounded like it was aiming right for my ear, and was making the same sound a child would make when firing a pretend laser gun. Based on the color of the crest, and shape of the beak, I could tell the subgenus of this bird was the PEEEWWW.

Thankfully, I was able to get some sleep. Which meant I had some dreams. I’m telling you this because I saw the latest Christopher Nolan movie “Inception” over the weekend (a fine film) which was all about being inside another person’s dream. In the movie, the people’s dreams had some twisted staircases and moving landscapes, which are some things that you find in dreams, but if they really wanted to make it like people’s dreams, or my dreams at least- there would have been a lot more jetpacks, candy, and superheroes. That’s right- I consistently have the dreams of an 8 year old.
For example- if they wanted to make the movie anything like the dream I had last night- there would have been two dinosaurs chasing Leonardo DiCaprio, both a T-Rex. And somehow he would have gotten the skin of another T-Rex and built a robot Tyrannosaurus to distract the first two. In doing so, he would find that somehow the dream had gone to operating a robo-T-Rex draped in a real T-Rex’s skin to him having to defeat (what that means or how I don't know) another one of them, while the other one was about to eat his little brother(?) (I don't have a 10 year old brother) that was operating the foot of the dinosaur(?) (apparently this robot only had controls in the head and feet). That’s how dreams really work. At least mine anyway.

Dragon Breath

Dear Movies and TV Shows,  
It really bugs me when two people are asleep in bed together in the morning, wake up and immediately start talking within an inch of each other- or even worse, start making out!  If someone started talking to me after a long nights sleep that closely without brushing their teeth, I would probably never want to see this person again.  You stink, you carry that with you for the rest of the time we know each other.  “Stink Guy”  or “Stink Woman.”
And believe me, if you kissed ME in the morning after a long night’s sleep and before I brushed my teeth, I am VERY confident that would be the last time we ever kissed.
So I know it’s not very romantic or plot moving to show two lovers get up and brush their teeth for 60 seconds before a scene starts, but maybe you could have some mints by the bed at least?  This would be acceptable.

Sincerely,

Concerned

The Only Dunking I'm Going to be Doing is With a Basketball ........Shaped Cookie.

Remember when you were younger and your body converted sugar into easily used energy?

Yeah.  Me too.  That was great.

I've gotten to the point where the body stops converting sugar into energy and starts converting it into a bowl made of bricks with melted butter inside of it.

I love exercising.  Honestly, it's fun to run around and even more fun to play a sport.  The competition and the physiological reasons really do give me a natural high.  Or at least they did.  Today when I was playing basketball and tried to jump the highest I got was ...well I didn't get very high at all, in fact, I somehow managed to cause the pavement to sink.

I've become one of those guys you see huffing and puffing with ill fitting exercise clothing and a face the color of a tomato and you think "....eee.  Good for him though."

It's all right, all I have to do is exercise a little bit more, eat right, and with a little luck, I'll be able to gain back any weight I've lost and get myself out of whatever shape I'm in after a week of not exercising and looking at a donut the wrong way.

Every Auto Shop Should Have an Actual Greased Monkey

My car broke this weekend.  The water pump busted.  I noticed something was wrong when the engine became hotter than the sun and I started sweating after I turned my air conditioning on.
Fortunately, I was lucky enough to take my car to the mechanic, who charged me an exorbitant amount of money.  I do feel a little bit for mechanics though, because I think it's a safe bet most mechanics got into that business because they love working with cars and fixing things.  Not because they enjoy giving people bad news, having that same person mistrust their info, and then doing work for them.  No wonder it's so expensive.  If I was a mechanic I'd probably be so fed up with everyone being angry I'd fix EVERYTHING with duct tape.  (were there that many ducts broken they needed to invent a tape for them?)  Then again, if I was a mechanic, I'd have no idea what was wrong with most of the cars, so I would probably have no choice but to duct tape the whole car together and just hope it runs.  "Running" is also a funny thing to describe what the engine does.  "vrooming" would be better, I think.

Chicks Dig the Long Ball. If They Haven't Left the Room or Fallen Asleep First.

I'm lucky enough to be going to Major League Baseball's All-Star game tomorrow- well, Mostly-Star game.  Someone from the Pirates will be there.
Oh, baseball.  America's pastime.  Which it is called, of course, because it passes time.  A lot of it. 

I admire baseball players though, hitting a baseball is an incredibly rare skill to have.  Not because of the body control, perfect technique and hand-eye coordination, but because a rock-solid object is being hurled at their heads with lethal force.  Really, an attempt on this poor batter's life is being made.  And we find this sport boring.

I do wish though, that other sports had a "take me out to the ballgame" equivalent.


"For it's 1-2-3 tattoos you've got cred at the ollld ballll gaaaammmme"

I'd Like Someone to Bring Back Suspenders ....but it's not going to be me.

If George Washington were zapped from the past to the present, would he be happy he was on the one dollar bill, or offended that he wasn't on one of higher value?

If food were cognizant, would it be happy that it were being eaten and feel like it had fulfilled a life mission, like the toys in Toy Story when they're getting played with?  Or would it be terrified of being devoured?

Is there any other piece of clothing like the bow tie, that can be either a professional or extremely goofy look, but nowhere in between?

Are there any aliens out there making movies about terrible creatures that look like us and come to their planet to destroy them?   And if so, do we speak their language in the movie?

What was King Kong the king of?  Were there family power struggles to get his crown?  Was there a crown?  Is a king still a king without a crown?

Why were there so many guys on a firing squad?  Were they that bad of marksmen?  Or did they want the person to be "extra dead" when they shot them?

Cell Division

In today's modern world of advanced communication technology, we still have a problem with ...communication.  I was talking on my cell phone today while driving -hands free, of course.  Although it isn't really hands free because it took forever just to pull everything out, untangle the cord, plug it into the jack and put the piece in my ear.  That whole process is much safer than just talking on the phone regularly though, so I'm glad I could do my part to save lives.
Of course, the other person I was talking to was using a speaker phone, and thus our conversation went something like this:

THEM: Did you flmmph l_ _ d?
ME: What?
THEM: Did you flmmph l _ id?
ME: All I heard was "DID YOU SOMETHING SOMETHING....LID"?
THEM: NO!  DID.  YOU.  flmmph L_ID!!!
ME: Oh.   .....yes....

After that I went on to describe something of great importance only to wonder after telling such a long and harrowing tale why I was receiving no gasps or guffaws on the other side.  Annnnd of course the call had ended 3 minutes ago.  So after 3 tries and straight to voicemails, I finally get a call back:

THEM: What happened?
ME: I don't know.
THEM: It's not my phone.
ME: Ok.
THEM: I have full bars.
ME: Maybe it was my phone.
THEM: It wasn't mine.  Check how many bars you have.
ME: All of them.
THEM: Well it wasn't me, I get full reception here.

As if one of us chose to get poor reception, or the connectivity of one's phone is a measure of one's self worth.  I never get why people are so quick to place blame onto another when a cell call is dropped.  I think next time I'm going to start the re-call off with "Hey, sorry about that, my phone gets poor reception here, but I did just save a baby."

Fire works.

The firework is, of course 4th of July's "big deal".  Which is funny because they're Chinese.  But fireworks are pretty cool, unless of course you're burning your own hair off with them.  Which is why fireworks are illegal.  What better way to celebrate America than with dangerous, illegal explosives!

U-S-A! U-S-A!!

We Put the "Memory" in "Memor(y)ial Day!"

Happy Independence day weekend everybody!  To celebrate us not wanting to get taxed by England, we will shoot fireworks into the sky and eat hot dogs.  And 4th of July is a successful holiday, as far as remembering what the actual holiday is about. We do SOMETHING unique to that day.  I feel sorry for Memorial day and Labor day.  There are no trees, no hearts, no countdowns, no turkeys, no leprechauns, no presents, no cards, NOTHING.

It's Not Even a List

I've been watching "Mad Men" a lot lately.  It's a great show, and it's really fun to see how different things were in our own country only 50 years ago.  Nobody wears seatbelts, pregnant women drink and smoke, and a housewife was shown putting hot water into a little box in her freezer for some reason.  That one baffled me, but I guess it was something they used to do.

If they ever make a show in 2060 about what life was like half a century ago, I hope they include Craigslist.  I have full confidence the website won't be around 15 years from now, let alone 50.  And like I was with the freezer, people will see someone using it and think "...what was that?"

For those of you who don't know, or those of you that just saw the "Craigslist" episode and are confused like I am about the freezer, let me explain.  Craigslist is a sort of online classified section.  You can put up your things for sale, or buy someone else's.  People usually put a flashy headline like "Free dirt." or "BRAND NEW SET OF DIAPERS".  Inside, you can put a picture, where people will look at your item and see that it's either stained horrifically, or clearly stolen and you're trying to get rid of it for any sort of profit because the local pawn shop can only buy so many sets of dumbbells.  After you place your ad, you have the pleasure of seeing the wonderful responses you get from your fellow Americans interested in buying your fine product.  And by "buying your fine product", I mean "scamming you out of at least 500 dollars".  Rest assured, this scammer will have a fine story, such as him being the prince of an unknown African country who needs your help to rescue the princess from the evil King Koopa, or possibly a young girl has been kidnapped in an unnamed Asian country with Claire Danes and has no hope of escaping unless YOU can somehow wire her 800 dollars for a new passport, but anything would help.  Yes, these people are in dire straights, and yet somehow with the precious little time they had left they chose to log on to the internet, search for "Seattle Craigslist" on google, and find the first stranger selling a couch in great condition.  That would be the first person I would think to ask for help if I was in trouble in a foreign land.

Should you be lucky enough to get an actual American in your city interested in your goods, you must first deal with a series of unkept appointments and inane questions such as "My daughter wants this couch, will it fit in her room?"  or statements such as "I thought this desk was going to be more like a bookshelf.  I don't want it anymore."

Oh and there's also a section for creeps and perverts to unintentionally hit on each other.